Hey, brah! Here’s an experience many readers won’t empathize with, but plenty will envy.
In a Reddit thread titled The Straight Married Man Issue, a young man discusses his recent dalliances with a straight married guy.
Whoa. That’s so not frat.
“At the end of the day, I know it’s wrong,” he writes, “because I wouldn’t want my loved one or spouse cheating on me or keeping desires they need to act on from me.”
How about we take this to the next level?
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Related: Straight Dudes Sound Off On Letting Gay Men Explore Their Armpits
For whatever reason, this guy constantly winds up “in some sort of tango with a ‘straight’ married man.” He doesn’t explain his strategy. (Maybe lying through your teeth?) Here’s what he says:
I’m conflicted because these men, however they explain it to themselves, need/want this outlet but are so entwined in their other lives. Part of me thinks it’s exhilarating to know that people of all walks have gay desires and then part of me thinks they need to quit living a lie.
Related: Young Man “Feels Sick” After “Wasting” His Virginity On “Messy” Grindr Hookup
So far, responses are all over the map–from the simple (“Don’t be somebody’s side hoe, dammit!“) to the provocative and long-in-the-tooth:
I’ve hooked up with a number of married “straight” men, although mostly without my knowledge prior to meeting up. It usually comes out after the deed is done. Sometimes I ask why they do it, and it’s 99.9% of the time acting on impulses they would never have the opportunity to act on otherwise. A guy once told me that if he could re-do it all, he would be married to a guy and not a woman – but he’s got a family so he can’t/won’t change it which I get.
As a rule – I would never go out of my way to seek married guys, but I figured out the married ones are almost always out-of-towners looking for some D. If I end up hooking up with a married guy, it doesn’t go beyond the physical. I don’t want a relationship with them and I don’t want to start an affair.
I don’t really feel any guilt if I hook up with a married guy, especially if he mislead or omitted that info on the outset since he clearly has issues he needs to work out. I’m not there to be his therapist or whatever. I know it’s callous to just say “well it’s his issue to deal with” but it sort of is. And we always play safe so the risk of any potential STD transmission is substantially reduced. If we get it on, and no one’s the wiser and we both have a good time, it’s a win-win.
So, gay bros, what do you think? Is hooking up with a married straight guy too toxic to touch? Or an opportunity to be savored and exploited?
In the words of the original poster: “Stories? Thoughts? Feelings? Discuss.”
davegun2
I wish I hadn’t started up with this straight guy. I feel bad especially for his daughter. But I’m still doing it, and I don’t know how to quit him.
Billy Budd
During my promiscuous phase (early 00’s) I hooked up with many straight married men and some of them were fabulous in bed. Of course it was just sex and nothing else. But it was fun. I understand that another queertier, Bottom250, routinely hooks up with married guys. Bottom250, please tell us about your experiences.
JerseyMike
I have and will. I don’t want to deal with him outside of the bedroom. Leave the rest of your life outside of my door. I have no interest in your wife or kids. I treat them the way they treat me.. The side piece. The thing about married guys they want to control the situation; when they stop by, who you see and don’t see. I write the rules with married men.
onthemark
At least one of the “Redditors” puts “straight” in quotation marks.
Masc Pride
It should be too toxic to touch, but I’m sure most gay guys would still go for it, particularly if said married hetero is an attractive and hung total top. Funny thing is the gay guy usually ends up fooling himself into thinking it’s a relationship (see davegun2’s comment). Always get a good laugh out of the delusional queens that truly believe their married guy in shining armor is going to leave his socially acceptable wife and life for the homo jump off. If you know you’re sleeping with someone’s husband, you totally deserve whatever drama you get as a result. Anyone remember Betty Broderick? lol
badamsthies
There is no reason for me to police the marriages and/or sexual identities of others. The men that are married and “straight” entered into their contract with their partner, not me. They are responsible for upholding their rules and regulations within that contract, not me. In addition, if one of you thinks that you turned him gay and/or you were so tempting that you made him stray….whoa! You might want to go have your ego shrunk by your nearest Freudian psychoanalyst. That married straight guy will cheat with you, and with another, and with another. Point being, his marriage his not my responsibility.
Paco
As far as I know, I have only hooked up with a married, closeted bisexual/ gay man once. Sorry, but I am not going to participate in their self-delusion that they are straight while regularly having, enjoying, and almost preferring homosexual sex. If they are doing the deed with another man, they are attracted to it just like any other gay or bisexual man.
Anyway, we finish and while laying there, he pulls out his wallet (the ancient past before smartphones) and starts showing me pictures of his wife and kids. I was speechless and not quite sure what kind of reaction he was expecting other than disgust. He wanted to see me again, but I declined and told him I just wanted a one night stand. I wasn’t interested in enabling his cheating on his wife.
Godabed
Had sex with a married man, with two teen kids, his wife liked to watch and sometimes join in. Good times. But dude certainly wasn’t “straight” what’s the point trying to hold on to that label. You aren’t straight if you like having sex with dudes and repeatedly doing it over and over again with no monetary incentives. sorry that’s reality. But he’s at least he’s bisexual, if not a closeted gay man married to a woman. That happens more often than not but isn’t always the case.
Zekester
I hate to ruin all your fantasies, but if a man is voluntarily having sex with you, and you’re not paying him, he AIN’T straight.
JerseyMike
@Zekester: No the fantasy of him being str8 is his. Once you do anything $exual with me you are bisexual to me. He can say he is str8 all he wants. I will let him continue to live in his fantasy. Means nothing to me.
Sweetie Pie
Been there…done that…for about 3 years I was tapping a married Protestant minister in Boston, eager fluffer, avid bottom
misterhollywood
@Zekester:
I have to agree with this. Hooking up with a “straight guy” really is about a fantasy, not so much a reality. If they are willing participants, then by definition they are not 100% straight.
MacAdvisor
I think whether someone is straight or gay is irrelevant to answer the question, “do they want to have sex with me?” Yes, that the object of desire is gay likely improves the odds, but it isn’t by any means dispositive. There are, much to my annoyance, many gay men who are not interested in having sex with me. There are also, as much as it astounds me, straight men who will have sex with me.
Thus, I focus not on my partners inward sexuality, but on his outward interest in me. I hardly care if he is gay, but only wants to have sex with that guy over there.
DarkZephyr
I have had the “opportunity” SEVERAL times to hook up with men married to women (whether they really are “straight” or not is debatable) but I have never done it because I don’t hook up with married people, period, whether they are married to a man or a woman. And now that I have met the love of my life, its just me and him anyway as that is how we have personally chosen to live our lives.
rand503
Im really liking the bulge and hairy stomach in the photo.
Brian
If he were a single straight-identifying guy, I would hook up with him in a New York minute…provided he had the face of Adonis and the gluteals of Hercules.
If he were married to a woman, I’d tell him it was never meant to be .
heavylifter
I would if he was a Tom Hardy look alike! Just him and his buddy (me!) going on weekend hikes in the mountains…
Only straight men have true masculinity, unlike the gay crowd made up of various freak subcultures – Bears, Fems, Fatties etc.
mastik8
Well, there’s married and then there’s married. There’s a difference.
etseq
Yet another straight obsessed reddit post…I hate Queerty
Brian
@heavylifter: I agree with you. Straight-identifying men are so much more normal than gay-identifying men. Straight-identifying men don’t base their lives on a sex act, and have normal everyday interests that reflect a balanced life.
Gay-identifiers, on the other hand, base their lives on the gay word. Their lives reflect this very narrow base. They are the dullest people around when they are not in heat.
heavylifter
@mastik8:
“Well, there’s married and then there’s married. There’s a difference.”
True, that.
heavylifter
@Brian:
I’ve lost count how many times I’ve been questioned “are you really gay?” on the gay scene just because I can’t conform to their mannerisms.
grethomory
OMG! I just ran across this article. I don’t go out looking for married men in any kind of way, but last Sunday I met this guy, hung out and ended up fooling around with him. When it was over he said he had to tell me something…he said “I can’t see you when I want because I’m married.” I said ok, but done with him. In the long run, I just don’t think it’s worth it taking it farther down the line.
Brian
@heavylifter: You are so right. It’s as if the gay scene has evolved into this narrow, intolerant stereotype of open-mouthed, eyebrow-arching queens expressing shock and dismay at the fact that the world doesn’t conform to their pre-conceptions.
sanfranca1
“Hey, brah!” You’re kidding me, right? Sheesh
martinbakman
During my rambunctious years, hooking up with a man married to a woman was too much risky business for me. But I get it. A lot of you are big ol’ risk takers.
As far as how “straight” these guys were is open for debate.
besixdouze
The internalized homophobia is strong with @heavylifter and @Brian. Please, continue deluding yourselves into thinking that the only masculine men are repressed closet cases. You get that for most of these men, masculinity is performed, right? Like the rest of their lives? They’re so cowardly and immature that they tailor everything from their dress to their voice down to what they think will make them socially acceptable (just like you, clearly). News flash: gay men come in all varieties, as do straight men, and plenty of femme-hating men like yourselves are more femme than they’re aware. I don’t know how you expect equality when you’re promoting a very narrow idea of what it is to be a man just like the bigots who want to deny you your rights. You’re allowed to be attracted to dudes who are traditionally macho, but shaming and hating on others for not conforming to that expectation is assimilationist and juvenile. Take your self-loathing elsewhere. You’re setting us back.
mauikamaaina
No….for the same reason that I would not hook up with a gay married guy – his marriage vows. If he won’t respect them, I don’t respect him. A hook up with someone I don’t respect is not going to happen – not in this stage of my now stable and content life. AMEN!
heavylifter
“No….for the same reason that I would not hook up with a gay married guy – his marriage vows.”
Oh please, gay men cant spell the word monogamous! There are no monogamous gay marriages, most don’t even bother with that pretense and proudly call it an “open relationship” – open, as in their !#@# holes are open to any takers, lol.
DarkZephyr
Heavylifter and Brian are clearly the same person. And as far as I’m concerned, both of Brian’s personas are fired. Dismissed.
Brian
If these married men are straight-identifying, that’s their choice. Nobody has the right to impose a choice of identity on them. Nobody.
I get so annoyed with gay-identifying guys who go around telling everybody how pro-choice they are on the issue of abortion (no doubt to suck up to the feminists) but then deny the choice of identity to men who wish to identify as straight.
heavylifter
@besixdouze:
“The internalized homophobia is strong with @heavylifter and @Brian. Please, continue deluding yourselves into thinking that the only masculine men are repressed closet cases. You get that for most of these men, masculinity is performed, right? ”
What would you know about masculinity? You are not masculine, you have never had sex with a masculine man.
Pretending like Humpty Dumpty that you can “make any word mean what I want it to mean” is tragic.
“Gender performance” is a nonsense idea dreamed up by a dried up old mannish lesbian academic called Judith Butler back in the 80s and 90s.
Is anyone really surprised that a sexually frustrated mannish lesbian argues that anyone can be whatever gender they feel like “performing”?
Only individuals as unfamiliar with any kind of sexual experience with a man as a dried up old mannish lesbian like Judith Butler would fall for her fable.
Dave Downunder
OMG I can’t believe the drivel being posted in response to this article especially from those taking the opportunity to let everyone know they are to masculine to be seen as obviously gay. Yes boys it is possible to be gay and homophobic, here is your proof.
heavylifter
@Brian:
“If these married men are straight-identifying, that’s their choice. Nobody has the right to impose a choice of identity on them. Nobody.”
Your average queen doesnt know any better, they have been politically waterboarded for a generation now by “Identity Politics” brainwashing. Its all about labelling yourself and everyone else, playing “poor me, I’m sooo offended” victimhood games.
Anyone who does not play the game is used as a convenient scapegoat.
heavylifter
@Dave Downunder:
“OMG I can’t believe the drivel being posted in response to this article especially from those taking the opportunity to let everyone know they are to masculine to be seen as obviously gay. Yes boys it is possible to be gay and homophobic, here is your proof.”
The only thing proven here is that YOU are gay and a man hater.
Dave Downunder
@heavylifter: That statement makes absolutely no sense at all.
besixdouze
heavylifter: Hahaha, you don’t know anything about me. What I know is that your stench of self-loathing is filling up the room. Your attempts to shame people in here aren’t working because (a) your criticisms don’t even apply (b) the things you consider criticisms are only shameful in your eyes. Please have fun fucking closeted “straight” guys, whose only difference from gay guys is that they’re pretenders because they hate themselves, and also enjoy waiting for them to leave their girlfriends or wives for you when they won’t, because they look at you (and themselves) with as much contempt as you have for all the well-adjusted people in this comments section. Which Donald Trump rally did you stay from?
And whoever said Brian and heavylifter are the same person, you nailed it. It’s clear in the way they “talk” at each other.
besixdouze
@Brian: We deny men the “choice” to identify as straight? So by your logic, I can eat my weight in pork nachos and call myself kosher or screw ten dudes in a row and call myself a virgin. You say we’re the ones obsessed with labels, but you’re the ones who can’t get it up over a guy unless he falsely calls himself straight… because you hate yourselves.
Brian
@besixdouze: Are you certain you are not suffering the consequences of brainwashing brought about by the Left’s hijacking of the male homosexual desire movement?
Chris
As is the case when answering all of these hypothetical questions that this web site likes to pose: “It depends.”
bottom250
Sweethearts I have many times. I satisfy his cravings and then he goes back to his wife and kids to be the amazing husband and father he is because I have pleased him like his wife does not.
jayson1
I think the key word in this topic is married. Whether he’s a straight married man or a gay married man I Think it’s best to not get into relationships with married men period. I know they don’t tell you the first time but once you find out for all involved especially yourself just say no.
Marky
Men are men. Screwing married men is an asshole move regardless of how they identify. Screwing someone because they identify as this, that or the other thing is like screwing someone because they have a really nice watch. You’re just screwing someone because of how they’ve “branded” themselves.
Image before substance, right?
coloradocutie3
I can sort of relate to this story because I’ve been good friends with a cute military guy for about six years. He is 35 and married with five kids but I think he likes being around me because his wife isn’t really “into” him as much as when they were first married. He has a great body and we flirt a lot; when we get together for beers there are a lot of hugs and he lefts me kiss him on the cheek but not the lips. He is proud of his body and lets me feel his big chest and his iron stomach. When he’s had a lot of beers he lets me grab his nice butt or pat him on his strong thighs. I think if I played my cards right I could get him into bed and give him the best BJ of his life, but I worry about ruining our friendship. And I’d feel guilty about cheating with a married person. But a friend tells me (1) we’re not really friends in the usual sense, anyway, and (2) we’re already having an affair although there hasn’t been intercourse. I’d be interested to know what you guys think I should do. I want to be a good person but damn, this guy is so hot!
Scottsdale
I know it is pointless to be a keyboard warrior and arguee with people who hide on the internet, but some of the stuff written is senial.
I think the only thing you lift Heavylifter is you bullshit. I have been with my husband for 7 years, in my early 30’s and we have never had nor wanted an open relationship at any time. I have other gay friends who are the same.
You and Brian genetalize some much, what do you know about gay people? You know the “gay scene,” which I assume you mean bars and clubs. There is a lot more to gay culture than that. You idolize “straight masculinity” as the ideal. If you really studied the issue, most straight men could learn what it is to be a man from gay men who have had to aganoize, think about and unfold the intricacies of being a man, being true to themselves and being okay with any traits our society deems feminine.
Since you clearly have a problem with females, I can see how you would never want to be associated with that. Just be you stop being so focues with neing “masculine,” which continues to change for every generation.
GC1985
@heavylifter: Love your internalized homophobia. You are so pathetic you can’t even say you’re gay and you savagely attack others in our community because of your own shortcomings. You are one miserable pathetic man.
Oh and your bullshit reeks. You have been brainwashed by the Republican party because you ate utterly incapable of thinking independently. You are beyond help and you are one sick fool.
And Scottsdale is right. What the hell do you or Brian know about gay people? You obviously don’t know anything. Identity politics? Is that the only cheapshot you have? Considering who you support politically, I wouldn’t give your opinion any real weight. You are completely egotistical, hateful and repugnant. So no, we don’t need your bigoted @$$ on this website.
You are nothing more than morally reprehensible. I am ashamed that you even call yourself gay.
GC1985
Oh and feminine gay men are more brave and courageous than either of you cowards. You are the very definition of cowardice. I bet you wouldn’t say any of this nonsense to the faces of people who are actually out and making changes in society. You can sit behind your monitor and slam your keyboard all you want, heavybeercanlifter and Brian.
You two are complete and total cowards.
GC1985
@bottom250: Wow. You just love giving material to people like heavylifter. Why don’t you mess around with guys who are single? Seems to be a lesser chance of being caught and being in the middle of a sh*tstorm? But hey that’s just me.
GC1985
@Brian: what the fuck is the homosexual desire movement? Are you this screwed up in person? Can someone tell me what this movement is? The entire movement for recognition, equality and respect is left wing. Look at those who started this decades ago. They were often left wing and sometimes soci@list.
You just ride of the coattails like a typical coward.
bottom250
@GC1985: ohhhh honey I am not sure if I am brave and courageous just me being the biggest and best queen I can be.
GC1985
@bottom250: Well I personally don’t try to pursue heterosexual men as they aren’t interested in men. I also stay away from guys in any kind of relationship, because I don’t want to get in the middle of any mess and I don’t care for cheaters. I also don’t want to be getting a restraining order on some crazy spouse or partner. That is just me though.
One of my friends was a dating a guy who was in a relationship. My friend didn’t know about it. The boyfriend found out and my friend broke it off immediately. He had to then get a restraining order because the boyfriend of the guy was showing up at his work. Too much trouble I think.
Theonewhoismany
@GC1985: As I always respect what you have to say, there are a few things that I think need to be addressed here: the problem with brian / jasonsmeds pontificating, is that he throws in approximately 9% valid sociological and anthropological comments into his misogynistic ravings. It makes it hard to thoroughly trounce what he says without conceding a point here and there, even though the correct point he throws out is taken completely out of its academic context, and used to misrepresent real issues to further his hatred of women, and well apparently gay men in general.
Secondly, on the issue of identity politics, this is in no way a left wing issue, the idea of the individual, and group identity devoid of class position is a very much right wing idea. That has always been the winning strategy of the right, convince oppressed people to hate each other, and obfuscate class by demonstrating there are elites who we could include in our demographic, despite the fact they share nothing in common with us in terms of struggle. There is also very little honesty by those of us on the left about what an abysmal failure identity politics have been in terms of outcomes for marginalized people. Having Barack Obama as president has not improved the lot of African Americans, more than ever are victims of systemic racism and organized violence by establishment racism i.e. the police.
Also (not to GC1985) to the troglodyte who insulted Judith Butler, though I am not myself a sociologist, but someone working on their PhD in the physical sciences, her work, and others like Donna Harraway have contributed more to scholarship and critical scientific thought, than your minimal knowledge ever will. She is an inspiration to people everywhere, especially scientists to never leave the world un-interrogated. So if you want to criticize her, try addressing her theoretical arguments instead of attacks on her appearance, but that would take a level of critical thought, I would wager is beyond most.
GC1985
@Theonewhoismany: I think you are off by 9%. What he says is closer to 0% accurate. Sorry but I can’t agree with you on this one. the guy is clueless about actual issues.
GC1985
@Theonewhoismany: And your idea about politics is basic and ridiculous. Obama hasn’t been able to improve the lives of people, because of the failure of democrats to turn out in midterms. Obama isn’t a dictator and Congress is what pass laws or causes problems. You aren’t truly left wing either and I am sorry but you have no clue what you are talking about. Next time read my post more carefully and understand what I was saying. I said our movement is left wing in nature. Get a grip please.
GC1985
@Theonewhoismany: And stop acting as if you’re some kind of expert in politics. It’s clear you don’t know what’s going on in this country and your veiled attack on Obama is well noted. Keep your snake like ideas to yourself.
People need to be empowered, such as Latinos who are are having more prosperity and involvement in politics than ever before. Kinda blasts holes through your argument.
Blackceo
I’m sure that many of us have. In my slutacious days when I thought more with the wrong head, it was actually a turn on for me to be with a married guy. The secret hook ups and just overall sneaking around doing something I deep down knew I probably shouldn’t have been doing was hot. I would make excuses like “I wasn’t the one who took vows” and put off any guilty feelings on the married guy but I wouldn’t want someone to do that to me if I was married to them. So its not something I’m proud of but I still say I have no regrets about anything I’ve done in life. You can’t learn and grow if you haven’t done things to learn and grow from.
bottom250
@Blackceo: well said sweetheart
dean3000
I used to think straight men were they holy grail……when I hated myself! Give me 100% gay or bi every time.
missedgle
Omg! In my Joy Behar voice” so what who cares” most people are sexural fluid these days and days past,if a so call straight guy penis is aroused with another guy then is he straight???? Its just so deep to get into( no pun intended) seriously lol.It’s never been my desire to seek so called straight guys.
charleyp_1999
Yes I have. it was great sex. went on for about a year and half. we were co-workers and were able to have some fun while at work as well. just the touch of back to front by stopping suddenly and they run into you. or sneaking glances at each other in the bathroom and when no one was around going into the empty stalls.
slinky49
A hookup is a hookup. They are about sex and I enjoy sex. How a person labels himself or presents himself to the social world is irrelevant unless I have expectations about interacting with him beyond our sexual encounter[s]. Identifying as “straight”, being married to a woman, having a family, etc. while have same-sex encounters on the sly is only one of many ways people express their craziness. If I have unreasonable expectations of crazy people, that’s my problem to wrestle with and solve. All the rest of the crap is theirs and I’m good at letting them struggle with it. I have sometimes found crazy people very gratifying sexually. I don’t feel bad about it and don’t think other people should, either. Feeling bad about enjoying yourself may be one of the ways you need to express your craziness, though. Good luck with that.
jaack
@missedgle: A dick is a dick and if it is attached to a guy who identifies as straight he is just lying to himself and his spouse too. If we get off together then that’s fine with me. It is still a guy doing it with me. His spouse looses NOTHING except a little semen. Men go after other men because they aren’t getting what they want or need at home. Most women won’t give oral to climax or anal, yet they complain about their man not giving them what they want/desire. When a woman gives her man EVERYTHING he desires sexually she can give, then she will keep him in her bed.
Twitcher
Absolutely not, it wouldn’t be fair to myself or to his wife. It would be disrespecting both of us, and the man would be scum for merely suggesting such a scenario. I have too much respect for the institution and the promise made in marriage to do such a thing. That’s why I only believe in divorce if there is some sort of spousal abuse. If I were to marry a man, I would need to know that he has the deepest respect for marriage and that he intends to stay with me no matter how good or bad things get. I will only marry once on this Earth as I believe once that promise is made it cannot be undone, unless of course there is abuse as I stated above. So no marriage for me until I find that extra special guy who has traditional views regarding marriage, (not traditional in the sense of discrimination though, as I obviously believe in gay marriage as well a interracial marriage), but traditional in respecting marriage and believing it to be a lifetime pact not to be entered into lightly. I’ll probably be called out for being “old fashioned”, but whatever.
oldman57
yes and I have……………must admit it is fun…..and the fact that you know there is no future is where the most basic animal instinct comes in….to spread our seed…..morally not right but you know that goes both ways…so in the end if you’re worried about going to hell or karma……..don’t do it….stop…as for him…..that’s on him….worry about your own spirituality, beliefs…..but whatever you do “own up to it if you have too and move forward”….my way of thinking and not apologizing if someone is offended……….
OzJosh
This headline made me scream with laughter – mostly at how utterly naive it makes the Queerty folk look. Head over to Craigslist and you’ll find that there is a whole phalanx of gay guys who not only would “consider” sleeping with a married straight guy, they actually devote most of their lives to exclusively doing just that. In my observation it’s a thrill that becomes a fetish and often a psychosis. It starts with the thrill of the forbidden. Soon they can’t get enough. And before long no gay man will do. Clearly it’s an aspect of self-loathing, since sex with gay men becomes a turn-off, and sex with a supposedly “straight” and married (unavailable) man is the ultimate turn on. (How straight and how married some of these guys are is another story, but let’s save the discussion about self-delusion for another time.)
AnitaMann
Not in a million years. Too much drama.
bottom250
@slinky49: Sweetheart so well said.
Paul
It’s the ideal hook-up situation. Sex for fun with no emotional expectations.
rcktetr
No I haven’t. But at 26 only been dating guys a year. Have however sexted w a few. As I go farther into my romantic life w guys I have decided I am not going to do that anymore. If I have a friend or coworker who is married and we hit it off it may happen. I used to think it would be ok bc the marriage is a sham anyway if the husband like dudes. But now I feel for me it’s wrong. W no judgement. And it may happen I. The future. But I hope not