Happy Endings

• Watching those Snickers commercials? No. Masterfoods yanked ‘em, issuing the world’s most flippant, indifferent statement in history: “We know that humor is highly subjective and understand that some people may have found the ad offensive. Clearly that was not our intent. As with all of our Snickers advertising, our goal was to capture the attention of our core Snickers consumer.”

• Heading to rehab after admitting to fucking you former campaign manager’s wife? No, that’s pretty much San Francisco Mayor Gavin Newsom‘s territory. (What’s up with everyone going to rehab. Party poopers.)

• Going to Best Week Ever‘s “The First (and Possibly Last) Annual ZARFCON 2007″? Only if you join them in DC for All My Children actor Jeffrey Carlson‘s performance in Hamlet.

• Being named Human Rights Campaign‘s new chief diversity officer? Only if your name’s Cuc Vu. (And, yes, they work “the nation’s largest gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender civil rights organization” into the first sentence”.)

• Blaming your divorce from Nick Lachey on The Notebook? Yes. That is, if you’re name’s Jessica Simpson, who says, “I just figured out the statement.” Yeah, that’s how we read it, too.

• Barring The New York Times from your fashion show over a bad Cathy Horyn review? Only if you’re Carolina Herrera. Well, she sure showed that bitch Cathy, now didn’t she? Only if Horyn cares, which we doubt she does.

• Announcing your official presidential bid on February 13th? That’s what Mitt Romney‘s reportedly doing. Happy fucking Valentine’s.