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Hillary Clinton Discovers Key To Successful Bail-Out: Heartwarming Children’s Books

President-Elect Barack Obama was nice enough to make lovable pant-suit icon Hillary Clinton your next Secretary of State, but she’s still paying off the debt she incurred trying to kneecap him in the Democratic primary.

Clinton owes $7.5 million, mostly to Shrek-impersonator Mark Penn and while she’s tapped everyone from America Ferrara to Joe Biden to help her retire her debt, nothing is more filled with awesome than today’s news that supporters can help out by purchasing an illustrated storybook entitled Hillary Rodham Clinton: Dreams Taking Flight.

It’s yours now for $50, or $250 if you want it signed by the lady herself. I don’t need to tell you this is the best piece of political kitsch ever and that this should be under every gay’s Xmas tree this year.  You can get it here.

If you’ve ever wondered what an All-American Girl story would be like if it included hippies, interns and Congressional hearings, here’s your chance! It even has a fairy tale ending when, after being screwed over by her feckless and press-obsessed Prince Charming, the plucky ragamuffin is restored to her rightful throne by all the citizens who buy her t-shirts, stickers and yes, $250 vanity children’s books. And we all lived happily ever after.

By:           Japhy Grant
On:           Dec 5, 2008
Tagged:

  • 26 Comments
    • Andrew
      Andrew

      Nice post, but is this Wonkette all of a sudden? The whole “your new Secretary of State” and “happily ever after”, the end, sort of tone make it very similar. I have noticed the Wonkette tone creeping into lots of other blogs.

      Dec 5, 2008 at 2:56 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • jeremito
      jeremito

      “kneecapped”? Please. Can’t we put it to rest already. It’s over. Let’s move on.

      Dec 5, 2008 at 2:59 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Japhy Grant
      Japhy Grant

      @Andrew: Point taken. At least there’s been no mention of TRUCK NUTZ.

      Dec 5, 2008 at 3:01 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • CitizenGeek
      CitizenGeek

      Kind of unrelated: but how cool is it to have a bona fide gay icon in the cabinet?

      Dec 5, 2008 at 3:03 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Michael W.
      Michael W.

      It should do well amongst the gay community. Since John McCain was able to miraculously score 8% more of the gay vote than George W. Bush, it seems a lot of us were Hillary supporters who adhered to their promise of never voting for Barack Obama (even though Obama’s and Hillary’s platforms were more than 90% equal vs. McCain and Hillary who only have one thing in common).

      Dec 5, 2008 at 3:04 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • CitizenGeek
      CitizenGeek

      Yeah, that’s a good point Andrew. Wonkette is great, but let’s keep Queerty as unique as possible.

      Dec 5, 2008 at 3:08 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • An Other Greek
      An Other Greek

      @Michael W.:

      not too mention, a lot of gays are self-hating racists…

      but you already knew that!
      :)
      —————————————————-

      Dec 5, 2008 at 3:58 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Into the NIghtlife
      Into the NIghtlife

      Hey Jaffy…

      She ran a campaign and when you run a campaign you fight against your opponent – that’s what they all do. It is not tea time but she certainly didn’t “knee-cap” the golden child. And his campaign went after her with full-on ferocity (and Geraldine Ferraro fo rthat matter).

      Quit acting like Obama was such a victim when he was the overwhelming media darling OF ALL THE CANDIDATES from the very beginning. Nobody took more punches or “knee caps” than the women in this campaign.

      Quit crying and get over it.

      Dec 5, 2008 at 4:09 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • benwa
      benwa

      I’ll buy one and since I got her auto graph at the debate I went to , I’ll just forge it and give it to my mother for X-mas. She’ll never know…

      Dec 5, 2008 at 4:16 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • An Other Greek
      An Other Greek

      @Into the NIghtlife:

      I disagree.

      Obama being a “media-darling” is a myth that has been disproved again,
      and again,
      and again.

      Actually, it is a wonder and a testament to hope that he (we) got through it all… Amazing.

      Also, I don’t know why you would bring up Geraldine Ferraro. She did a better job of destroying her legacy than Colin Powel did his! I mean, wow, the lady made an absolute ass out of herself!

      Lastly, your post sounds a lot more whiny than Jaffy’s.

      just saying…

      —————————————————

      Dec 5, 2008 at 4:18 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Into the NIghtlife
      Into the NIghtlife

      @An Other Greek: If you don’t think being deemed a “rock star” by the media while the most horseshit gaping mouth photos of Clinton were repeatedly pasted on the covers of papers over and over (not to mention her cleavage, shrill voice, tears, pantsuits, aging face, etc. etc.) is not evidence of media unbalance, you are living in another universe.

      In terms of Ferraro – to say she intended to be malicious is disgusting. She was merely calling a spade a spade. Obama got more attention than Dodd, Biden, Richardson, all of them put together (except Clinton). That is a fact.

      You know – his campaign brought up race repeatedly. But no one else was allowed to, otherwise they were “racist.”

      Look I voted for Oabam and am fine with that. But to make potshots at Clinton after the fact when she was so gracious in defeat is cheap and stupid. If he doesn’t have a problem with her anymore – why should Jaffy and you?

      Dec 5, 2008 at 4:39 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Into the NIghtlife
      Into the NIghtlife

      @An Other Greek: Just saying…

      Dec 5, 2008 at 4:39 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Michael W.
      Michael W.

      Ferraro was calling a spade a spade? Lol. She said the only reason Barack Obama had gotten as far as he did was because he’s half black. 20 years earlier, she said the only reason Jesse Jackson is running for office was because he’s black.

      I guess every African-American politician who gets somewhere in life can have their accomplishments written off by the color of their skin according to Gerry Ferraro, even though it creates an obstacle for every door opened. It’s just “calling a spade a spade” as you put it.

      Dec 5, 2008 at 5:14 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • An Other Greek
      An Other Greek

      @Into the NIghtlife:

      Uhm, where to begin.

      First, my problems with Hillary, my senator, are long, complex, and I believe justified. Let’s not get into it, but let me say that I am “over it”, she lost. (that doesn’t mean I will revise history for her benefit, or yours).

      Second, concerning her bad photos: Funny you should mention that because what I was wondering was how she got away with so FEW of them actually being published. Hillary IS an old woman, with saggy skin, nothing wrong with that. But her press was sooo favorable that it was SELDOM that a candid image made it through, showing her true look… And I only mention this to show you how biase you -may- be and how personal -your- lens is… You saw her coverage as bad, while I was astounded at how cosmetic and made-up it was… Interesting, no?

      Third, you may want to watch your language if you want to be perceived as fair. “Spade a spade…” is so charged that to use it is either so insensitive that all arguments are deflated or outright racist and provocative. Neither options help your goal.

      Lastly, and speaking of language, you use the word “disgusting” (a word beloved by conservatives and homophobes in debate) to describe the act of questioning Ferraro’s motives. No, my friend, you are wrong. What was disgusting was Ferraro’s racism, something beyond debate. Ferraro has paraded her ignorance and insensitivity, and while doing that, destroyed her historicity. That’s pathetic. Her racism? Disgusting.

      —————————————————–

      Dec 5, 2008 at 6:01 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • peet
      peet

      It really disappoints me when I see otherwise intelligent men gushing over Sister Frigidaire (look that up – it’s a riot) just because she’s seen as a ‘strong woman.’ She’s not strong; she’s self-serving, and would rather stay with a philandering asshole to keep her money and power than to have the self-respect to walk out. But who cares about her personal life, right? It’s the POLITICS, durgh. Though one might argue that someone who sacrifices their very dignity at the alter of greed and ambition might not be the ideal public representative, I’ll let it slide anyway. We want concrete things. Well, what about Whitewater? And Castle Grande? Those were just the two biggies. Do your research like you normally would; her (dubious) ownership of a vagina does not entitle her to carte blanche.

      Dec 5, 2008 at 6:45 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Truth
      Truth

      @An Other Greek: So now you delegate what expressions people can or can not use? And stand on a perch of authority pointing and choosing who and who is not racist like some self-appointed judge? Wow! You are just bursting with racial intimidation, aren’t you?

      You are so self-rightous and sanctimonious and on your perch of racial justice, while calling people saggy and wrinkled…what a joke.

      Get over yourself.

      Dec 5, 2008 at 8:02 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • John in CA
      John in CA

      It isn’t March 2008 anymore. The election is over. This racially tinged nastiness is part of what’s wrong with American politics. Former political enemies become reluctant allies all the time in other countries. Look at all the Social Democratic / Conservative coalitions in Europe. And Barack and Hillary aren’t even really “enemies” in any sense of the word. Their public policy similarities are far more numerous than their personal differences.

      To the Obama haters: He’s going to be President of the United States whether you like it or not.

      To the Hillary haters: she’s going to be Secretary of State whether you like it or not.

      Carpe Diem… already!

      Dec 5, 2008 at 9:57 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • blake
      blake

      @Into the NIghtlife:

      She ran a racist campaign. Why should people forget that anymore so than when Republicans run homophobic campaigns? Based on your logic, gays should just forgive the cynical Republicans who push anti-gay referendums because “it’s just politics.”

      Barack Obama is a magnanimous man/politician. He’s forgiven Clinton and invited her to join his campaign. But that doesn’t mean that others are willing to forget the xenophobic comments or the orchestrated maneuvers of Geraldine Ferraro that led to hysteria, like the old woman that whined about “an unqualified black male” stealing the nomination.

      So, yeah, sometimes in campaigns there is a certain amount of B.S. that gets spread. That can be forgiven but other stuff crosses a line and can’t be forgotten.

      Be honest. If a straight candidate and her close allies had said things as homophobic as the racist things said by the Clinton campaign, might you have a different belief.

      Go to http://clintonattacksobama.pbwiki.com/Incident+Tracker and replace “black” with “gay.”

      Dec 6, 2008 at 9:16 am · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • rigso
      rigso

      @peet: Fail! whitewater? ok Ken Starr go back to the nineties, you wingnuts (let me guess, you’ll reply saying your not a wingnut, sure!) are losing again and again because NOONE cares about the shit you obsess with.

      Dec 6, 2008 at 12:26 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • rigso
      rigso

      @blake: the campaign brought out some of those sentiments yes, but they didnt come from Hillary and you cant expect her not to run a competitive campaign just because of Obama’s race and how sensitive a topic it is… please, Obama is great but he is not above others and if the race had been between her and John Edwards lets say she would have run just as hard, so stop being a little oversensitive PC kool-aid drinker.

      Dec 6, 2008 at 12:28 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Boby
      Boby

      I actually prefer buying the Obama mug or fleece. They make better stocking stuffers!

      Dec 6, 2008 at 12:29 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Mark in Indiana
      Mark in Indiana

      this editor’s posts are becoming either creepier or more obtuse.

      HRC can’t do anything right, is a racist, whatever–it isn’t selling here. Obama? now that’s a racist, but he’d rather let his minions perform the finger-pointing and smearing. He’s a world class asshole and she’s world class.

      Just my 2cents.

      Dec 6, 2008 at 9:54 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • peet
      peet

      @rigso: LOL. A wingnut? The fact that you think the best way to defend your position is to undermine my credibility speaks volumes about you, not me. You know nothing about me, and to defend myself here would be pointless. If you’re going to argue, then argue the facts, and don’t fling baseless accusations.

      It doesn’t matter how far back you go; the fact is, she has a track record of abusing power for personal gain. And who’s losing? SHE lost, and has to settle for SoS. I was just commenting on the undeserved support that she gets from the majority of the gay community.

      Dec 6, 2008 at 10:07 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Brian Miller
      Brian Miller

      @Michael W.:

      Ferraro was calling a spade a spade? Lol. She said the only reason Barack Obama had gotten as far as he did was because he’s half black

      I didn’t support either of the Demopublicans, nor the Republicrat nominee McCain, but I am getting tired of this bald-faced lie.

      Ms. Ferraro stated that John Edwards must be sad, for the first time in his life, to be a white wealthy man.

      Obama’s people, looking for cryptoracism in every utterance to a degree that made the Clinton crusade’s search for cryptosexism look like an amateur effort, transformed this innocuous comment into “evidence of racism” — shamelessly exploiting it.

      The real irony is that both Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton are homophobic bigots who are opposed to genuine marriage equality, but hey, I’m not allowed to say that either. After all, Ferraro could be tarred and feathered for a racist utterance she never made — but queer folk demanding equal treatment and rejecting Obama/Clinton/McCain homophobia should just get in the back of the bus.

      Dec 6, 2008 at 11:59 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Mister C
      Mister C

      Well Brian,

      Then fellow Philadelphian….whose on your side for genuine marriage equality?
      And you’re right Ferraro didn’t make a racist utterance.

      JUST AN IDIOTIC STUPID ASS STATEMENT!

      And she got lambasted and GOOD!

      Dec 7, 2008 at 1:55 am · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • seitan-on-a-stick
      seitan-on-a-stick

      There are some chemically imbalanced bloggers here clutching onto the past like a bouquet of thorny roses. Why rake the coals once again at the prompt of Queerty who get more advertising hits with divisive blogs? The main event is over and the Obama Vs McCain race, too. A lump of coal in the stockings of your cold, unforgiving hearts. Maybe, some of you could do a Poli-Sci class at the local Community College while you sling coffee at Starbucks instead of collecting welfare checks and blogging anger due to your uneventful lives.

      Dec 8, 2008 at 12:22 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·

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