Hollywood’s Gay Marriage Conspiracy Theory, Level II

In the wake of the Supreme Court’s historic rulings last week, we were able to blow the lid off Hollywood’s Gay Marriage Conspiracy (see part one here), wherein American writers, producers and television executives spent years manipulating audiences and public officials through mainstream entertainment in pursuit of their marriage equality agenda. And it worked!

And like Edward Snowden before us, we thought the most effective way to share this explosive information was in separate dumps, of documents that is. So herewith, more evidence, in the form of another list, detailing the depth and breadth of this ultimately successful confederacy of family values.

Bewitched, 1964

By employing a supernatural premise to introduce Paul Lynde’s Uncle Arthur (pictured), Bewitched producers smuggled in a gay along with the warlock. Lynde’s character made only ten appearances on long-running and beloved sitcom, but they were memorable for the fact that Samantha’s mother Endora’s brother was so clearly camp. To Endora: “When I think of you as a blood relative, I long for a transfusion.”

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Lost in Space, 1965

Dr. Zachary Smith started out as an enemy agent and secondary character in Irwin Allen’s production, but by Season 2 the flamboyant Jonathan Harris (pictured) was so popular he was rewriting his own dialogue and became the star of the show. And he had a Robot husband. “Oh, the pain!”

Are You Being Served?, 1972

If the NSA scandal wasn’t enough, more proof of Anglo-American collusion. This enormously popular Britcom arrived in America a few years after it’s UK premiere via PBS. Mrs. Slocombe’s pussy aside, what’s remarkable about this ensemble comedy set in a department store was the actor John Inman’s denial of his character’s ever-so-obvious homosexuality. Both he and creator David Croft maintained Mr. Humphries’ sexual orientation was never explicitly stated and that he was “just a mother’s boy.” Well, of course he was.

An American Family, 1973 

An American Family was a serialized documentary on PBS and the first “reality” show of its kind (HBO’s Cinema Verite was the award-winning “making of’ movie made in 2011). Prodigal son Lance Loud (pictured above, top right) figured prominently when he traveled to New York and hung out at the Chelsea Hotel with Warhol superstars and came out as gay. Super-cute guys in bell-bottoms and feathered hair everywhere started going gay.

Match Game, 1973

Daytime TV audiences were the target when Mark Goodson and Bill Todman bought Gene Rayburn a new stick mic for a redo of the 1960s game show. This time it was double penetration in the form of risqué material and bawdy celebrity panelists, including Charles Nelson Reilly (pictured), who with beard Brett Somers to his left were setting the stage for Will & Grace’s Jack and Karen with their naughty double entendre and tape-day drinking. Fill-in-the-blanks like “Every morning, John puts ______ on his cereal” became a cause for celebration.

Love, Sidney, 1981

Producers cleverly neutered the gay title character in this short-lived 80’s sitcom, based on a story written by Marilyn Cantor Baker, and adapted into a TV movie called Sidney Shorr: A Girl’s Best Friend. See, Sidney (Tony Randall, pictured)was gay in the short story, and even gay in the MOTW (kind of), but then not in the first season of the sitcom, and even less in the second, and then pow! they show a picture of his dead boyfriend on the mantle in the very last episode and you can figure it out for yourself.

Golden Girls, 1985

Susan Harris, creator of gay oasis in the primetime desert Soap a few years earlier, was at it again in 1985 with the help of four old ladies and their veranda. Old people are funny, what with their memory lapses and boring stories and slutty behavior. And while Golden Girls did a great job inculcating mainstream audiences with its left wing agenda, it was also an unlikely gay hit. Picture it: Saturday night, millions of homos on sofas watching a transvestite, a slut, an idiot and a Tourretes patient for 22 minutes while pre-drinking before the disco. Well, maybe not so unlikely.

Roseanne, 1988

Working class Roseanne introduced working class America to lots of gay stuff on her show, like getting girl-kissed by the always hot Mariel Hemingway in Season 6 in an episode called “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” (yeah, right around that time) and then having a genuine gay wedding with regular Martin Mull and groom Fred Willard! Cute couple.

In Living Color, 1990

“Men on Film” was the best part of this hit-or-miss Fox sketch show and a backdoor into African American hearts and minds. Blaine and Antoine (Damon Wayans and David Alan Grier) were spot-on but affectionate portraits of fey black men that allowed African Americans and gay men and African American gay men to all laugh together, kubaya, even at the Super Bowl! Some gay hardliners got their panties in a bunch because these two were reinforcing “negative” stereotypes, but who’s calling whom a stereotype, anyway, Mary? Jesus, get a haircut. Two snaps up! for these two brave performers!

Ellen, 1994

She was just a neurotic bookstore owner, with her friends Jeremy Piven and Joely Fisher, but the funniest part about comedian Ellen Degeneres and her show Ellen was we all knew she was gay (the comedian that is), so it was fairly ridiculous to see her stumbling through dates and talking about her attraction to men, because let’s face it, Degeneres is funny but she’s not an actress, like the way Meryl Streep or Bette Davis is an actress, so, you know. Anyway, the first three seasons of the show were like a waiting game and then she did it, after fooling us all this time! Oh, Ellen! She blurted it out on an airport PA, yep, she’s gay. And now Queen Latifah has a talk show, too, so that’s how that works.

Buffy the Vampire Slayer, 1997

I didn’t watch this show (sorry!) but vampires are super-gay and apparently so is Joss Whedon, so you get the picture. Oh, wait, Joss Whedon is not gay and has a wife. I love this conspiracy.

Oz, 1997

Here’s the thing. Prisons are for criminals, and criminals are bad people, and some of them are really bad, like murderers and white supremacists. So you do a TV show about these guys and there’s not going to be anything redeeming about them, right? And if these reprobates are corn-holing each other, well, just one more example of gay depravity. And that’s how you lure your premium cable network audience in, because it turns out some of these guys are hot (such as Christopher Meloni, pictured) and kind of likable and yeah, they’re corn-holing each other but, you know, what are you going to do, they’re in prison, right?

Six Feet Under, 2001

Four years later HBO was conspiring again with this ensemble drama set in a funeral home. Enter couple David and Keith (Michael C. Hall and Michael St. Patrick, pictured), whose relationship ebbed and flowed like anyone else’s might, with love, tenderness, violence, rage, forgiveness and love again.

True Blood, 2008

Sure, this show ran off the rails a while ago, but, hey, more vampires! And werewolves and shapeshifters and voodoo and a lot of sex, and homoeroticism and gay stuff mixed in like, you know, this crazy world has everything and do what feels good and if I’m going to stab you in the heart with a silver crucifix it’s because I don’t like you, not because you’re gay. Yay! Good job, now you can be cancelled.