Ah, December! The final month of the year can be daunting, with its short dark days, forced cheer, and strained family get togethers. How can a modern homosensual make the yule tide gay? Honey, forget the hideous Christmas sweaters, sugar crazed children and tacky inflatable lawn ornaments; here are some tips to serve up fruitcake realness this holiday season.
1. Drop some queer 3 Dollar Bills into the ‘red kettles’ of those annoying Salvation Army bell ringers. The SA has a nasty history of active discrimination against gays and lesbians; I like to personalize the 3 dollar bills by also scrawling onto them things like “Get over yourselves! Love always, The Sugarplum Fairy”.
2. Pig Out! You can finally eat everything you denied yourself all beach season. Layers mean camouflage, ya fat bitch, so pig out while you can. Side note: “bears” hibernate, but “Bears” don’t, so go on out there and get yourself a hairy, husky new friend for the winter! Just dab a little bacon grease behind your ears to attract them.
3. Tell St. Nick what you want for Christmas! Every gay holiday party has some hunky shirtless guy in a Santa hat as Kris Kringle. Hop right on up Santa’s meaty lap and tell him what’s on your list. “Hey Santa, wanna come down my chimney?” Perfect photo op for holiday cards.
4. Ribbons, ribbons, ribbons!
5. Purposely butcher Christmas songs in public. This works everywhere that one is subjected to the endless onslaught of treacly holiday fare, such as supermarkets and elevators. My personal favorites are “I Saw Daddy Kissing Santa Claus,” “Have a Holly Hunter Christmas” and “Boozie, The Red Nosed Drag Queen.”
6. Celebrate the winter solstice. Serve up Stevie Nicks realness and ring in the shortest day of the year pagan witch-style. On the 21st, grab a lacy shawl, a candle and some suede boots, and sing “Rhiannon” while dancing around a pine tree. Cocaine optional.
7. See Jackie Beat’s Christmas show! Lucky folks in LA, NYC, Portland and San Francisco get the chance to seethe acerbic Ms. Beat’s newest holiday show O Holy Hell! Do not miss this legendary drag queen/comedian (proudly featured in the 1998 Report on Anti-Catholicism by the Catholic League) as she tears the season a new asshole with venomous stage patter and hilarious holiday song parodies such as “Santa’s Baby,” “Dead Beat Dad is Coming to Town” and “Violent Night.”
8. Coquito! A delicious Puerto Rican eggnog (quite expertly made by my BFF Matinga’s mother, legendary Latin disco queen Carmin de Puerto Rico). I actually thought “Coquito” was a made up word until I researched it just now; all I know for sure is that at some point every December, I end up flat out on Carmin’s kitchen floor while inebriated cousins salsa dance near my face.
9. Take new holiday themes photos of yourself, for your online personals and hook up apps. Be festive and put the ‘ho’ in holiday! Use props like candy canes, jingle bell dog collars, and (non-Judy) garland. Under no circumstances should your photo shoot involve fake now in a can, or actual reindeer.
10. Shop locally. As a presumed homosexual, you are more intelligent than the average American and therefore have avoided Black Friday and all other enticements to shop at made-in-China big box stores. Rather than feed the corporate beast, give your queer dollars to local gay and gay friendly small businesses. I’m sure there is a young lesbian sketch artist doing pencil sketches of Xena right in your neighborhood. Support her!
11. Get into The Star Wars Holiday Special. This legendarily bad 1978 television fiasco only aired once, (but is easy to find on torrent sites) and has simply everything: Bea Arthur as the singing barkeep in the Star Wars cantina, Diahann Carroll doing a weird space slut disco dance, Harvey Korman in galactic drag as Chef Gormaanda, plus Harrison Ford looking uncomfortable but goddamn sexy. Uber-gay Bruce Vilanch was one of the special’s writers; it’s a hideous camp classic!
12. Be a winter wordsmith. Provocatively use seasonal words and phrases such as nutcracker, snowballs and stocking stuffer. Toss off festive bon mots like “Kiss my snow cone, you frosty bitch” “Hey dude, nice yule log!” and “Well excuse me, Miss Pfeffernüsse!”
Visit Mike Diamond’s Fan Page here.