When you realize everyone from high school got fat, married or both, you’ll be ready with your old friend, Palm Selleck. Thanksgiving is just oozing with sexual imagery, what with all that basting, stuffing and gorging (those skank Pilgrims!). Who can blame you for sneaking away to release some “holiday tension”?
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Thanksgiving is just a government-sanctioned excuse to put on ten pounds. It marks the beginning of the dreaded season of holiday bloat, which inevitably culminates with a walk of shame to the gym come January 2. Why not cut that resolution off at the pass in the shadiest and least healthy way possible? Your major organs may hate you, but your swimsuit will thank you come spring.