Each week, Queerty picks one blowhard, hypocrite, airhead, sanctimonious prick or other enemy of all that is queer to be the Douche of the Week. Have a nominee for DOTW? E-mail it to us at firstname.lastname@example.org.
This week’s douche is Bob Marshall. Who, you ask? He’s the author of an op-ed published in the Baltimore Sun on Monday. We contemplated calling out the Sun for even publishing it, but First Amendment rights and all. Instead we’ll just go right for the jugular and tell Mr. Bob Marshall what a straight-up vinegar-and-water douche he is.
In his piece, Marshall—a member of the Virginia House of Delegates and self-proclaimed “Catholic legislator”— takes issue with Maryland Governor Martin O’Malley, who wrote a letter to the Baltimore Archbishop Edwin O’Brien suggesting O’Brien not get involved in the state’s gay-marriage debate. (The missive was a response to a letter O’Brien had originally written O’Malley.) In his letter, O’Malley, a Catholic, basically tells O’Brien to keep his big sacrament-giving yap shut about civil marriages:
“I do not presume, nor would I ever presume as Governor, to question or infringe upon your freedom to define, to preach about and to administer the sacraments of the Roman Catholic Church. But on the public issue of granting equal civil marital rights to same-sex couples, you and I disagree… As Governor I am sworn to uphold the law without partiality or prejudice. I have concluded that discriminating against individuals based on their sexual orientation in the context of civil marital rights is unjust.”
Marshall doesn’t quote even one sentence of O’Mally’s letter, though he does cite the First and Fourteenth Amendment plenty. He’s apparently never heard of the term “separation of Church and State,” because he suggests “Governor O’Malley think twice before he checks his faith at the door of the governor’s mansion.” Good one, Marshall. Good one.
The latest DOTW continues to blab about how unnatural homosexuals are, writing:
Sexual orientation is not limited to same- or complementary-sex attractions but includes attractions to children, prostitutes, multiple wives (polygamy) dead persons (necrophilia), animals, inanimate objects, and others that could not be printed in the Baltimore Sun out of deference to readers.
Deference to readers? You just brought up screwing children, pets and corpses—what’s left?
Marshall blathers on about how Thomas Jefferson knew in 1776 that homosexuality was a felony and therefore blah blah blah. Nothing has changed since 1776, so Douchbag Marshall has a serious point there: We’re still at war with England, women are still the property of men, blacks are still enslaved… right? Oh, wait.
Oddly Marshall also cautions the Guv that England’s Henry VIII tried to change marriage and became the pope of his own church. You mean the Church of England, a 25 million-strong denomination with thriving parishes all over the world? He kind of lost us with that one.
Marshall’s opinion piece is a poorly parsed pack of lies with no place in the Baltimore Sun or any reputable new outlet and we’re calling him out.
All together now: “What a douche!”