How To Raise A Not Gay Boy

If there’s one thing you don’t want your little boy to be, it’s gay. Seriously – what a fucking nightmare that must be. You to worry about all their fag drama, butt sex, inevitable AIDS and eternal damnation. Pretty stressful stuff Luckily, Landover Baptist Church has some suggestions to help you curb your kid’s queerness.

For example, boys must never, ever, under any circumstances, sit on the toilet to pee. If your little billy needs to sit to use his little willy, you’re in for some trouble. Some other suggestions for boys: no hot dogs, corn on the cob or other phallic foods, no sandals, cartoons are a total necessity and colored crayons are a definite no-no:

This needs no explanation, as we here at Landover Baptist are all familiar with Mr. Crayola’s so-called “alternate lifestyle,” and his reason for putting “Pansy Pink” and “Engorged Penis Head Purple” into his boxes are quite obvious. A boy must also draw in straight lines. Some curves are fine, but if you suspect your child of “doodling,” and see that he is using more curves than straight lines, please call your Pastor immediately.

Yes, it may be hard to admit to your church leader that your child enjoys drawing circles, but it’s really for the best.

Sadly, there’s no advice for little girls. We suppose lesbians aren’t as worrisome as gay boys.

For those of you who love a good laugh, here’s the church’s introduction to their homo-curative:

A parent can never act too soon in taking precautionary measures to ensure that their child will never become intoxicated with mommy’s perfume and choose to devote his life to being a prancing homo. By being both proactive and willing to inflict welts for Jesus, you can beat Satan at his own sick game and prevent him from turning your impressionable child into an ugly, rotting twig in the family tree crying out for brutal pruning.

Fucking brilliant!

Also, they make finding Jesus worth your while:

Too bad we prefer Nintendo, huh?

(PS: In case you can’t tell, Landover Baptist Church’s a joke.)