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How To Tell If You’re A Fundamentalist Christian

biblethumper

A brutally accurate and succinct exercise in deduction, that we can’t claim credit for. From Evil Bible:

10 – You vigorously deny the existence of thousands of gods claimed by other religions, but feel outraged when someone denies the existence of yours.

9 – You feel insulted and “dehumanized” when scientists say that people evolved from other life forms, but you have no problem with the Biblical claim that we were created from dirt.

8 – You laugh at polytheists, but you have no problem believing in a Triune God.

7 – Your face turns purple when you hear of the “atrocities” attributed to Allah, but you don’t even flinch when hearing about how God/Jehovah slaughtered all the babies of Egypt in “Exodus” and ordered the elimination of entire ethnic groups in “Joshua” including women, children, and trees!

6 – You laugh at Hindu beliefs that deify humans, and Greek claims about gods sleeping with women, but you have no problem believing that the Holy Spirit impregnated Mary, who then gave birth to a man-god who got killed, came back to life and then ascended into the sky.

5 – You are willing to spend your life looking for little loopholes in the scientifically established age of Earth (few billion years), but you find nothing wrong with believing dates recorded by Bronze Age tribesmen sitting in their tents and guessing that Earth is a few generations old.

4 – You believe that the entire population of this planet with the exception of those who share your beliefs — though excluding those in all rival sects – will spend Eternity in an infinite Hell of Suffering. And yet consider your religion the most “tolerant” and “loving.”

3 – While modern science, history, geology, biology, and physics have failed to convince you otherwise, some idiot rolling around on the floor speaking in “tongues” may be all the evidence you need to “prove” Christianity.

2 – You define 0.01% as a “high success rate” when it comes to answered prayers. You consider that to be evidence that prayer works. And you think that the remaining 99.99% FAILURE was simply the will of God.

1 – You actually know a lot less than many atheists and agnostics do about the Bible, Christianity, and church history – but still call yourself a Christian.

By:           editor editor
On:           Apr 6, 2009
Tagged: ,
  • 45 Comments
    • rogue dandelion
      rogue dandelion

      this should be a bit more humorous and a bit less mean, at the end i felt like sheltering the baby seal of fundamentalist from your club.

      Apr 6, 2009 at 12:25 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • suzygoo
      suzygoo

      Mmmm-Seal Flipper Pie, very de-lish!

      Apr 6, 2009 at 12:31 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • ChicagoJimmy
      ChicagoJimmy

      Mean? I’ll remember that the next time some religious person asserts that I’m going to hell for naturally loving another man.

      Apr 6, 2009 at 12:57 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Dawster
      Dawster

      2 points for the use of the word “Jehovah”!! whoo hoo!

      (ex-JW here… LOL)

      Apr 6, 2009 at 1:11 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • vernonvanderbilt
      vernonvanderbilt

      Sometimes honesty can sound a little mean, can’t it?

      Apr 6, 2009 at 1:13 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Ashmael
      Ashmael

      I’m all with you in this:

      I add that
      “You call your god compassionate and loving, even when it commands to stone women, hang homosexuals. and commit suicide mass murder”

      Apr 6, 2009 at 1:30 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Ashmael
      Ashmael

      RYesmtose would be funamentalist moslem. Only, they are active NOW. The ol’book of Joshua in the bible is probably a legend.

      Apr 6, 2009 at 1:32 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Queerky
      Queerky

      They don’t bother me anymore. Let them flagellate and abnegate all of their lives. When they die they will see it was all for naught. Now that’s eternal damnation.

      Apr 6, 2009 at 1:34 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Stop! Or My Daddy Will Shoot!
      Stop! Or My Daddy Will Shoot!

      This has less to do with attacking Fundementalists and is really more of an ad-hominem douchebag rant against anyone who has religious beliefs at all. You can practically see the bile jumping off the screen. What a bunch of unimaginitive, self-satisfied hogwash.

      Apr 6, 2009 at 1:56 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • RichardR
      RichardR

      So funny, and right on.

      Lacks only something about the contrast between Christ’s position on riches and fundies’ acquisitive skill.

      Apr 6, 2009 at 2:05 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • burton21
      burton21

      Brilliant! Although there’s nothing about the ten commandments in the list… like “Honor thy father and mother… even though when they found out you were gay they kicked you out, cut you off, and told you never to come back again.”

      Apr 6, 2009 at 2:22 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • IDoWhatICan
      IDoWhatICan

      In a shallow attempt to lash out at the fundies, you haphazardly alienate all Christian groups, even those our community is allied with.

      Attacking fundamentalist on their religious beliefs is sinking to the same level of dehumanization that they use on the gay community. You’re just creating a caricature of their faith for a lacking feature article.

      Apr 6, 2009 at 2:46 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Timothy K
      Timothy K

      1 – You actually know a lot less than many atheists and agnostics do about the Bible, Christianity, and church history – but still call yourself a Christian.

      -This quote is actually the best example.

      Apr 6, 2009 at 2:49 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Chitown Kev
      Chitown Kev

      @IDoWhatICan:

      No, the headline specifically says “fundamentalist Christian” which would imply that there are Christians that are not fundamentalist.

      Apr 6, 2009 at 3:02 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Justin
      Justin

      They forgot “You have no problem discriminating against groups that don’t fit your standard, but if they dare to fight back, they’re hurting your freedom.”

      Apr 6, 2009 at 3:03 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Rich
      Rich

      Hooray for the end of the Christianist mob rule!

      Apr 6, 2009 at 3:36 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Jason in WV
      Jason in WV

      Apt. So very, very apt. Good work!

      Apr 6, 2009 at 4:02 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • audiored
      audiored

      @Stop! Or My Daddy Will Shoot!: haha. you’re funny… It is funny how upset the deluded get when their delusions are called into question.

      Apr 6, 2009 at 4:09 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Heather
      Heather

      I’d have to agree with the posters who have pointed out that this strays from the title’s claimed scope and seems more as a ridiculing of any Christians. Of which there are quite a number within the GLBTQQI community. What exactly was the point of this article? Venting? Preaching to the choir? Alienating all religious folk including those who are gay or are ok with gays?

      Maybe it’s over my head, but I’m not seeing the value in this post.

      Apr 6, 2009 at 4:18 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • petted
      petted

      @audiored: That’s rather unnecessary.

      Apr 6, 2009 at 4:19 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Jennifer
      Jennifer

      Well, Rogue Dandelion, considering all the death and mayhem these bastards and their evil words are responsible for, I think they could use a good club upside the head. Club on!

      Apr 6, 2009 at 4:24 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Stop! Or My Daddy Will Shoot!
      Stop! Or My Daddy Will Shoot!

      @audiored: That you seem to be more amused by my dissapproval of that half-assed satire than the half-assed satire itself, well now that’s funny. Glad yr so easily amused, mouth-breather.

      Apr 6, 2009 at 4:25 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • vernonvanderbilt
      vernonvanderbilt

      I think people are getting a little over-defensive here. After all, this list has said nothing that isn’t true about at least a few sects of christianity. If it offends you, maybe that’s because it hits closer to home than you’re comfortable with. Rather than futilely bitching about the post, debunk it. At least that would be productive.

      Unless you’re just looking to get your bitch on, in which case…bitch away.

      Apr 6, 2009 at 4:44 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Michael vdB
      Michael vdB

      Sure it was a little on the mean side, but it did make some good points.

      Apr 6, 2009 at 5:14 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Daniel
      Daniel

      I see its humor, but it still is offensive to me as a Follower of Christ.

      Apr 6, 2009 at 5:17 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Cr8nguy
      Cr8nguy

      what is GLBTQQI? sorry, i’m behind the times here, and i’m only 31. last i remember it was GLBTQ.

      also……this points to the fundamental hypocrisy and absurd arrogance of fundamentalist christianism. i know many people of whom this paints a very accurate picture.

      it is good to point out though that not all Christians are like this…..in fact, the majority aren’t. it’s just that the minority are far LOUDER than they are numerous.

      Apr 6, 2009 at 5:18 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • audiored
      audiored

      This whole thread is absolutely stunning.

      Really? People get this upset when it is pointed out that what Christians (and really all religious/’spiritual’ people) believe in is ridiculous and laughable.

      If everyone is declaring there is are invisible, magical unicorn following them around, it is hardly offensive to tell them they are deluded and/or tripping and should seek mental health services.

      Religious idiocy is not in some special category that makes it above discussion, ridicule or critique.

      There is no such thing and being mean-spirited. These institutions and ideologies have been what have kept humans down for millennia now.

      People insist on continuing to identify with these despicable and disgusting traditions and institutions. So they need to either accept the baggage that comes with that and stop being whiny bitches.

      You are the ones identifying with these oppressive and deluded ideologies. So suck it.

      Apr 6, 2009 at 5:48 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Jesus
      Jesus

      Clearly the writer of this trash is going straight to Hell.

      Apr 6, 2009 at 5:54 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Heather
      Heather

      Cr8nguy: It’s getting to be quite a mouthful, but as far as I know GLBTQQI stands for Gay Lesbian Bi Transgender Queer Questioning Intersexed. :)

      Apr 6, 2009 at 6:43 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • RainaWeather
      RainaWeather

      Well, all you incensed little crybabies, “The truth hurts”

      Apr 6, 2009 at 7:06 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Aaron J.
      Aaron J.

      There’s a difference between psychotic Jesus Freaks and Christians. You’re only offended if you’re the former. And anyway, no SANE Christian is guilty of anything on the list. They know the Earth is billions of years old. They don’t belittle other religions and they don’t reject all science. Only Jesus Freaks do that.

      Apr 6, 2009 at 7:38 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Cr8nguy
      Cr8nguy

      I agree with Aaron J. — completely.

      @Heather….thanks….that is a mouthful! Can’t we just find something easier?? maybe just the Q community….can “Queer” apply to pretty much everything?? :)

      Apr 6, 2009 at 7:47 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • KPC
      KPC

      Religion is dumb. God is fake. Think for yourself.

      Apr 6, 2009 at 7:57 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • ChristopherJ
      ChristopherJ

      hehe

      Apr 6, 2009 at 10:10 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • WetWaffleSlag
      WetWaffleSlag

      @KPC: Sounds like you’ll be dancing with the dark one. When you find Jesus (check behind the couch) you’ll understand that free will, like belief in evolution, are merely handbaskets traveling to the seventh circle of hell; at the speed of light.

      Apr 7, 2009 at 12:26 am · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • michael
      michael

      First of all, Jesus was a Jew, he was not a Christian. Christianity is basically the largest personality cult the world has ever known. But Madonna is not dead yet! Jesus himself said in the bible “do not worship me but worship the one who sent me”, yet people still worship him. If she was real then he was just a dude who loved people others refused to, so we gays would probably be the ones he would be hanging out with if he was embodied and living on the planet today. Jesus did not like religious people, he thought they were arrogant, oppressive, hypocrites, very similar to many religious folks today. You don’t have to believe that Jesus was real to get the good from his message.
      Many Hippies saw it and tried to change our planet with a lot of the same ideas. If following Jesus helps you love bigger and better, be a happier more giving person. Then its good for humanity that you believe in him and to insult people who do good for the world who do believe in him is wrong. But if you use Jesus to perpetrate your hate filled agenda’s, oppress and shame others, your just projecting your own f@cked upness on him and you will reap what you sow. Personally, I don’t give a rats ass how old the world is, I don’t give a sh*t about whether or not some dude died or did not die rose or did not rise from the dead. What I care about is love, and whatever forwards loves purposes.

      Apr 7, 2009 at 12:44 am · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • HYHYBT
      HYHYBT

      @Aaron J.: Really? Not even #8 and #6? OK, not the part about laughing at others’ beliefs…

      Apr 7, 2009 at 12:55 am · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Vanhattan
      Vanhattan

      Christianist hate is sometimes hard to define but I know it when I see it.

      Apr 7, 2009 at 1:04 am · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • nikko
      nikko

      Fantastic article! Perfect. Anyone who finds it offensive is a phony, that’s all.

      Apr 7, 2009 at 1:17 am · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Esprix
      Esprix

      Brilliantly done! I’d only add something about cherry-picking the parts of the Bible they want to believe and completely ignoring the other parts, particularly those parts that directly contradict the parts you like. THAT’S fundamentalism at its best. :)

      Apr 9, 2009 at 11:50 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • getreal
      getreal

      Thanks you Queerty!!!!!!!! For making it clear that Fundamentalist Christians are not real Christians but fearful bigots who are prisoners of archaic ideas. For the record I’m a christian and I believe in marriage equality, evolution, and have plenty of friends who are atheists and agnostics. These people are an embarrassment.

      Apr 10, 2009 at 12:17 am · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • getreal
      getreal

      Oh but I do take umbrage with number 2 LOL . I heard it said God answers all prayers but a lot of the time the answer is “No”.

      Apr 10, 2009 at 2:26 am · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Anna Filactic
      Anna Filactic

      Rigid, inflexible fundies come in all flavors. There are fundamentalist Moslems, Jews, Christians, and then go into the all the various denominations and permutations. Most mainline Christian demoninations would not consider Mormons to be Christians. But there are fundamentalist Mormons. The list is endless. Each believes THEY are totally correct and everyone ELSE is totally WRONG. Ask them to explain the inconsistensies and contradictions found in their particular brand of religion and they shrug it off with some pious phrase. I could care less what someone else believes….it’s his or her personal belief after all. It’s when it becomes militant exclusionism or total self righteousness where it is hard to stomach. And I think tha there is a special place in Hell with a broken thermostat for most Televangelists. They take the money from people who can’t really afford to give it away and they laugh all the way to the bank. Those crooks will have Hell to pay one fine day.

      Jul 28, 2009 at 9:18 am · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Billy
      Billy

      @WetWaffleSlag:

      There you go condemning people to Hell again. Get off your high horse. Fundamentalists are hateful. They’re hateful even to other Christians like Catholics. If Jesus is really the man they say he is in the bible, a caring and compassionate man who accepts all his children on this earth than he’s probably not very pleased with Fundies right now. Still accepts them but not the least bit pleased

      Sep 23, 2009 at 6:17 am · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • The Dalai Alpacca
      The Dalai Alpacca

      Dead Fundamentalist Televangelist “Doctor” (what a joke) Jerry Falwell was a perfect example of fundamentalism gone haywire.

      If you were not a member of Thomas Road Church you were pitied and scorned. But as long as you gave money to the church they could conveniently overlook the fact that you were divorced. They have no tolerance even for other Baptists who did not see things his way. Forget about other Christian denominations entirely. They were looked upon as poor dears who just missed the boat. They were regularly talked about in negative ways. After all, ONLY the Jerry Falwell way is the correct way. So it still goes on even after his enormous corpse is rotting under the “eternal flame” above his grave. Luckily it is probably fueled by the immense amout of GAS mixed with HOT AIR that is still being prduced by him. FDLMAO.

      For a fundamentalist who must have preached against the horrible deadly sin of GLUTTONY he sure did a good job of porking out each day. Guess the rules God told him about applied to everyone else except him. He was special.

      Oh well, one less agent of hatred and intolerance on the earth.
      [img]http://www.flickr.com/photos/derdunkelrover/500352962/[/img]

      Oct 1, 2009 at 12:56 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·

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