I’m just going to spit it out: I was on a reality show. I’d rather reveal the most intimate details of my sex life (I haven’t had any in 46 days) or that delightful feeling I get when taking a good shit (self-explanatory) than talk about this. The only saving grace is that it wasn’t one of those “I’m-not-here-to-make-friends / It-is-what-it-is” competition reality shows. As if that helps.
The Adam Carolla Project aired in 2005 on The Learning Channel. Not only was I Adam’s real-life assistant, but I played the role on the show, too. It’s not a closely guarded secret, like the time a man gave me 100 dollars to suck my dick in a deserted parking lot; it’s just information I typically choose not to divulge.
In the timeline of reality programming, Adam’s show came after Anna Nicole but before Kathy Griffin. It was a point in time when eyes didn’t automatically roll at the idea of another senseless reality show.
I used my middle name instead of my last name, as a fuck you to my biological father who I hadn’t seen or spoken to in 13 years. I had a romantic notion that he would see me on TV and come crawling back to me like some long-lost sixth cousin thrice removed to a lottery winner. I did feel like a lottery winner: I was Charlene and the Chocolate Factory. I had the golden ticket.
Only five years ago, TLC was what Adam referred to as “deep cable,” way up high in the channel numbers. I referred to it as “The Ladies’ Channel.” It has since evolved into “The Leper’s Channel,” with its multitude of midgets, half-ton teens, and often violently deformed network stars. And those Jon and Kate persons.
Either way, it seemed unlikely that Adam would successfully elbow his way in among multiple babies and 160-pound tumors. If you want success on TLC you need a handicapped parking permit — at the least, you have to qualify for pre-boarding on planes. The show was doomed from the start; Adam was too able-bodied for TLC.
The premise of Project was simple: Adam was flipping his childhood home with his band of merry construction worker friends and upon completion, he would try to sell the house for a profit. Yes, Bravo's Flipping Out completely ripped him off.
Every person on the show fulfilled an archetype. There was Ray, the man-child; Ozzie, the zany foreigner; and Gary, the quiet man missing a finger who lived in a trailer with his daughter and liked guns. I was just another colorful accessory there for B story; gay was my shtick as straight was Adam’s shtick. I wasn’t the kind of gay the producers expected: I was queer, a modern gay, and a revolutionary who honored my identity at all costs. They were expecting some non-threatening Queer Eye. I wasn’t there to help straight men be cute — my intention was just the opposite, actually.
Gay life ain’t no place for sissies. But it should be. The Unabashed Queer (Government Name: Matt Siegel) serves to affirm the vast array of queer identities. Originally from Atlanta, Siegel realized his independence above the Mason-Dixon Line at Northfield Mount Hermon School and subsequently, Sarah Lawrence College. In a marijuana- induced haze, Siegel came to Los Angeles and has found himself employed in the homes of Adam Carolla, Arianna Huffington, and Jill Clayburgh. How queer is that? Read Matt's blog here.
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Adam Carolla has always seemed very gay adjacent to me (Dan Futterman only even more hairy). I even sort of liked his boxer movie The Hammer in a catch it on late night cable kind of way. Carolla is like Téa Leoni he has to have a chance grow on you.
So, what do you want? A pass for having scratched your head and danced while they played the organ?
I could never stand watching Carolla.
He's like Andrew Dice Clay lite.
Brian Moylan was right. You tried to be the gay class clown, doing things that would bring you pseudo-acceptance from heterosexual males. As long as a gay person is silly, docile and subservient heterosexuals are fine unless they completely hate gay people.
@AlwaysGay:
Did you read Matt's article? His point is that he effeminate and so what! Why should effeminate guys alter their natural behavior to please more butch gays?
You accuse Matt of seeking the approval of straight men but aren't you more of an assimilationist by admonishing Matt for not being a straight-acting gay man?
So, are you the kind of person who blames effeminate gays like the late Lawrence King for deserving to be assaulted?
Ok, so this happened in 2005….and……..
Since twice int he article you mention getting back at others for past injustices you will probably be happy to know that "Windows Media" which owns the Washington Blade is in receivership and dealing with Bankruptcy issues.
But in all honesty….you were an assistant. It isn't just "Hollywood Assistants" that keep quiet and don't embarass their bosses…it's any GOOD assistant.
The real problem is with the way you chose to define sexual orientations for everyone "overt homosexual femininity? . . . overt heterosexual masculinity"
Many heterosexual men are very effeminate, surpassing the average drag queen on her wildest night out, as they putter about life.
Many gay men are orders of magnitude more masculine than Adam Carolla, frankly. He came off as insecure about himself, extremely needy, in short, with all the masculinity of a 4 year old child.
You demonstrated overt femininity, Adam demonstrated, or parodied, a childish version of masculinity, and neither of you represented any particular sexual orientation.
As for the poor me crap – you got paid to be in the public eye. You didn't quit your job, so quit your beefin'
I for one, liked this article. Everyone else fuck up. It must be soul destroying to write an article and have everyone flame it like they did. I hope this guy keeps writing for queerty, which needs more editorials. Great article.
@j: You said "I for one, liked this article. Everyone else fuck up. It must be soul destroying to write an article and have everyone flame it like they did. I hope this guy keeps writing for queerty, which needs more editorials. Great article."
____________________________________________
Yeeeeaaahhhhhh Soul destroying.., except for the fact that he says things like this:
"I was on a reality show. I’d rather reveal the most intimate details of my sex life (I haven’t had any in 46 days) or that delightful feeling I get when taking a good shit (self-explanatory) than talk about this."
or this
"I used my middle name instead of my last name, as a fuck you to my biological father who I hadn’t seen or spoken to in 13 years."
or this
"It’s not a closely guarded secret, like the time a man gave me 100 dollars to suck my dick in a deserted parking lot."
So in one fell swoop I know more info about this guy that I do about many friends I've had for years. The guy is obviously desperately hungry for attention and willing to say or do just about anything to get it. He didn't need to tell us how long it's been since he had sex, that he loves taking a big shit, that he hasn't spoken to his father in 13 years, or that he whored himself out for $100.00" yet he included all of it.
This guy is like when you get a new job and some co-worker you just met tells you in the breakroom all about how they are in AA or how her father molested her when she was younger.
Love Adam. Nice to hear about your time with him. The Man Show is not an accurate portrayal of him.
great article. i really felt your pov. you have a nice, honest writer's touch.
You should not be hated. You should be beaten severely.
I have seen this gay on gay homophobia, by which I mean the inclination of some gay men to alienate and ostracize the effeminate male (or God forbid someone dress in drag), first hand, and I have always found it disturbing. It gives me a feeling like they are embarrassed by the overt femininity, and the "bad name" it gives to the community. Do we all have to dress and behave like Log Cabin Republicans to be socially appropriate? Don't we get enough crap from straight people without oppressing ourselves? Isn't that sort of like poking ourselves in the eye? Why should guys have to hide or repress of otherwise feel ashamed of their innate femininity? It would be like coming out of the closet, just to go into another one.
I saw The Adam Carolla Project, and as Matt points out, all the figures on the show were archetypes. Those who mistake reality television for actual reality are most probably mistaken. Liked the article. Hope Matt writes again.
@Benjamin: In principle, I agree- but in this case, he is being taken to task not for being fem, but for having danced the role for the straights, so they could enjoy him. It's the equiv of Jigabo performance.
Matt,
Enjoyed the article. Thought you were great on the TLC show.
No one is going to accuse Adam of being "A Great Guy" but it seems as if he had genuine affection for you.
Life is short and you are talented. Make the best of your gifts.