Dubious Honor

Introducing The Douches Of The Year: The Republican Presidential Candidates

This year set new standards for douchiness, so when the Queerty edit team sat down to award the coveted 2011 Douche of the Year award, we were confronted with an embarrassment of riches (or something that rhymes with riches).There was Timothy Dolan, Archbishop of New York, who took political ineptness to new heights during the marriage equality battle in New York State. There was Indiana state Rep. Phil Hinkle, who denied being gay even after he was caught advertising himself as a “sugga daddy” and paying an 18-year-old (male) $80 during an encounter at a motel. What about New Jersey high-school teacher Viki Knox, who wrote 36 pages of less-than-AP-English-quality rants against gay people on Facebook?

And then there’s the American Family Association’s Bryan Fischer—just for being himself.

But sometimes the whole is greater than the sum of its parts.

While almost all of the GOP presidential candidates could qualify as Douche of the Week individually, their collective douchiness is exponentially greater.

So we’ve made the Republican presidential front runners the joint winners of the inaugural Douche of the Year award.

 

Click through for a rundown of the Douche of the Year winners and why we picked them!

Images via DonkeyHotey

 

 

Michele Bachmann

Bachmann (Rep-Alternate Universe) has had a banner year for doucheness: She suggested that gay people already have the right to marry (just not one another), made reinstating DADT part of her campaign platform and with—her husband, “I only sound gay” Marcus—made reparative therapy into a family business.

Plus, no one has a richer history of sheer homophobic nuttiness than Michele. God did not look favorably on her campaign, which quickly fizzled. Lately she seems to be positioning herself to be Mitt Romney’s running mate so there’s still a chance Michele-filled 2012. (Oh boy.)

 

Herman Cain

What can you say about a candidate who thinks veggie pizzas are for “sissies” and that being gay is a sinful “choice”—and who acquired a reputation as a serial sexual harasser. With all that going for him, Herman Cain had to be a Republican frontrunner, at least for a little while.

Cain has suspended his campaign (much as we have suspended our disbelief that he could ever be taken seriously) but we can look forward to him turning up on Fox News or the guest-lecture circuit, garnering significantly higher fees than he would otherwise have commanded.

 

Newt Gingrich

The disgraced ex-Speaker of the House went from rising star to falling star in the weeks between Thanksgiving and Christmas, but in those brief moments when someone actually paid attention to him, he reminded us of just what a douche he’s always been.

Only in Newt’s fevered imagination could the global financial meltdown have been caused by gay marriage. Of course, the man with the well-documented history of extramarital affairs is one of the biggest opponents of marriage equality and helped raise $350,000 to unseat Iowa judges who supported it.

No wonder his lesbian half-sister Candace so lovingly pointed out all his flaws on the Rachel Maddow show.

 

Ron Paul

He may make Andrew Sullivan’s heart go aflutter, but Paul’s name was  on crudely homophobic and racist newsletters for years. There’s also the time he gave the keynote address to the John Birch Society. And, lest we forget, a former longtime aide claims he wouldn’t even shake a gay man’s hand.

Yes, Paul’s hardcore libertarianism might mean he’s okay with gay marriage—but it’s also why he wants to end Social Security, abolish the Federal Reserve and gut the Food and Drug Administration.

We might all be able to get married under a Paul presidency, but we’d be too poor and sick to celebrate.

 

Rick Perry

Thanks to his complete lack of campaign ability, Perry is more likely to be the next spokesmodel for Grecian Formula than the GOP presidential nominee. The build-up for his campaign was a come-to-Jesus-if-you’re-straight prayer rally, after all. It was quickly followed by the hiring of some really outstanding homophobes. Then he opened his mouth and turned any remaining advantages to ashes.

Lately, Perry has taken to bashing gays in the military while wearing Brokeback Mountain duds, a misstep he’s probably already forgotten.

 

Mitt Romney

A man for whom flip-flops are a political policy and not beachwear, Romney will do and say anything to win the nomination. (And he wonders why people don’t trust him.) Romney tripped all over himself in his rush to sign NOM’s hate pledge, despite having once supported gay marriage. He managed to embarrass himself in an exchange with a gay veteran, proving that all of Romney’s personal interaction skills reside in his hair. He supports DADT (or maybe not) and has a stiff rictus grin that comes from talking out of both sides of your mouth.

It’s looking increasingly like Romney will be the eventual nominee—for want of anyone else being viable,—so we can expect more appalling pandering and backflips in the coming year.

 

Rick Santorum

The sexual synonym has been bouncing around at the bottom of the polls, but it’s not for want of trying to leverage his homophobia for votes. Santorum insulted a gay soldier during a presidential debate, suggested using anti-LGBT rhetoric to attract Hispanic voters and opined that comparing gay marriage to heterosexual marriage was like comparing a paper towel to a napkin. (Don’t worry if you didn’t get that last one. Nobody did.)

Still, he’s not getting any love from the Republican base. Apparently, fewer party members appreciate a good homosexuality=bestiality analogy than we thought.

 

And the rest

Even candidates who collectively constitute “Other” in polls have done their bit to contribute to the overall douchiness of the field:

*Gone and forgotten, Tim Pawlenty‘s brief moment on the national stage largely consisted of trying to prove his manhood to the Religious Right by calling for the return of DADT. Still, before he departed the campaign trail he managed to equate climate warming with homosexuality. How douchey is that?

* Thrice-married ex-Louisiana governor Buddy Roemer would frantically backpedal after suggesting states should be able to make their own decisions about marriage equality.

*The only openly gay candidate in the field, Fred Karger showered himself with douchiness when he took to mocking Mormon religious beliefs.

Dishonorable Mentions

We are, however, sorry to tell two candidates that they didn’t make the cut for Queerty Douches of the Year: Former Utah governor Jon Huntsman (at right) is hardly a raving liberal, but he has suggested that he believes that gay people might actually be human and deserving of rights like civil unions. And Gary Johnson, the former New Mexico governor whose candidacy you probably never heard of and probably never will hear of again, actually supports marriage equality as a matter of principle.

Needless to say both Huntsman and Johnson are so little regarded by Republican voters that, accounting for the margin of error in most polls, they might actually be running in the negative percentages.

So with all the respect and fanfare they deserve, Queerty bestows the Douche of the Year title to the frontrunners in the Republican race for presidential nominee. All of them. Given their collective performance so far, we have every confidence that whomever gets the nod from the GOP will be the frontrunner for the honor in 2012.

We just hope we don’t have to mail the award to the White House.

 

Images via DonkeyHotey

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