Ben Hobson had everyone in tears with the emotional coming out story he shared on YouTube earlier this year.
In a video, Hobson explained how his mother died when he was just 19. Three months later he married his wife and they produced two children together. Over time, he developed a drinking a problem. After getting sober, he realized the root of his unhappiness: He had been living a lie.
The video quickly went viral, garnering more than half a million views and making the 25-year-old an instant internet celebrity. We even included him on our 10 Great Coming Outs Of 2014 And It’s Only June list last summer.
Now, the video, as well as Hobson’s Facebook and Tumblr pages, have all been mysteriously deleted. This morning, a source close to Queerty sent us a series of screenshots allegedly taken from Hobson’s Tumblr page before it was deleted.
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The screenshots show what appear to be a diary entry, in which Hobson allegedly claims to have mistaken a “bromance” with his best friend for “gay feelings.” He admits to “fooling around” with the guy, but now claims he was simply “confused” about his feelings and that he “might not be gay after all.”
Here are the screenshots pieced together so you can read the statement in full:
Queerty was unable to verify if these screenshots were, indeed, from Hobson’s deleted Tumblr page. Interestingly, his Twitter page remains active and still lists him as a “gay dad”:
UPDATE: Hobson has addressed the rumor on his Facebook page. Beneath a photo of Josh Hutcherson and a quote from the actor about not ruling out being attracted to a man in the future, Hobson wrote:
Probably going to get a lot of hate for this one but…I am discovering that I like girls more than guys. I “fooled around” with a guy while drunk a year ago and thought that meant I MUST be gay. Turns out my judgement was wrong. My mom must’ve passed down her bipolar genes onto me, but to a whole other level Either way, I was tired of 30,000 people on YouTube looking up to me for someone I wasn’t. The one thing I still am and always will be is a great dad. That is what I’m meant for in life, and that is what I value most. #sexualityisfluid
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AtticusBennett
file this under “It was too hard, so i’m gonna repeat things i’ve heard ex-gays say”
blaming and referencing perceived stereotypes? CHECK
re-enforcement of his desired “Normalcy”? CHECK
best of luck dude. but don’t expect exchanging one set of lies for another to make life peachy.
AtticusBennett
btw – anyone else in here know they were gay LOOOONG before they ever experimented with a guy? yeah. exactly.
i accept that some folks may not be that bright, and not understand that their inherent and always-present attractions to men means that they’re gay, or in the very least bisexual, but those people are pretty few and far between – others are mere liars who tout the “i didn’t know i was gay until _____” lie because it absolves them of personal responsibility. that way, it’s not as if they ever “lied” – they posit themselves as an Innocent Victim of a latent homosexuality that they pretend appeared out of nowhere one day. It’s a tactic used by those who still feel that they’re “disappointing” people by being gay.
but no – our attractions to the same sex happen the same time that our hetero counterparts discover attractions to the opposite sex. you’re not gay because you have sex with men. you’re gay because you think about, and want to have, sex with men.
wings0711
He confirmed it an hour ago on his facebook profile.
https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=393441787470653&set=a.359576827523816.1073741831.100004145056190&type=1&theater
Cam
So in other words, the other guy didn’t want you, and now you feel stupid for coming out which was probably a huge declaration to the other guy about how serious you were.
Awwww, don’t worry about it Benny, everybody gets their heart broken early on.
Thomathy
Ben Hobson
(Emphasis mine.)
ORLY? Yeah. How do you know if you don’t overcome curiosities, right? *vomit*
But, at least there’s this gem,
Good for you. I hope it’s true. Enjoy your next 15 minutes, douchenozzle. And next time, don’t appropriate lived experiences, set an example you can’t keep and do it all in public.
No one confuses a ‘bromance’ with ‘gay feelings’ (really, gay feelings?). I really do belive that you believe that you’re not gay. I also believe another thing, you’re damned stupid.
If you don’t get talk therapy (everyone can benefit from some), at least stay the fuck away from social media.
alextranemi
What a moron …
brooks2785
Well I knew something was up with him when he was asking people to send him things in a video. Confu$ed maybe…
DarkZephyr
@AtticusBennett: Hell yeah, I recognized my attraction to guys when I was a pre-teen for goodness sake. I didn’t have to “fool around” to figure it out, either.
@wings0711: I think what I find the most annoying about this is the “sexualityisfluid” hashtag. I actually get annoyed any time I hear someone say that, because gay people have fought long and hard to prove that our sexuality is not a choice and is an immutable trait. That “sexuality is fluid” bullshit makes ex-gay therapy seem like it could work. I have been gay all my life and haven’t felt that fact budge one damned inch, even as a teen when I would cry and pray and beg God to make me straight.
BforBriBri
He just equated homosexuality to bipolar. I can’t take him seriously anymore.
DarkZephyr
Now lets let the douche slip back into obscurity and forget about him.
demented
@AtticusBennett: Uh, no, lots of people don’t figure out their sexuality until much later. It’s more common than you’re letting on.
And don’t forget sexual fluidity. A person can slide around on it throughout their life, with varying speed and variety, which happens a LOT.
An unfortunate thing is that a lot of people are still told that if you have same-sex feelings then you are gay, by both straight and gay people. So if they start having same-sex attractions, they may jump to “I must be gay” rather than “I must be bisexual,” and blurt it out before they have a chance to figure out what they really are.
alextranemi
What he put his wife and kids to go through is just horrendous . A very selfish person
demented
@DarkZephyr: So nobody is interested in the facts of sexual fluidity? Truth doesn’t exist, just political expedience? All people HAVE to be solidly hardwired sexually because otherwise bigots might also misunderstand it?
And sexual fluidity doesn’t mean you “choose” who you’re attracted to. Nobody controls that.
alfie
It makes kinda sense. When he came out, I thought, how did you do it with your wife and able to make kids? I just can’t imagine a gay guy wouldn’t be so grossed out putting his thing into, you know…
Stache99
@demented: I believe in bisexuality but if your truly straight then there’s no such thing as “sexual fluidity”.
So why not just say bisexual instead of this huge mind twisting of “I’m just a creative artsy dude and society already expected me to be gay. Therefore, I just mistakenly went for it”….BS.
Tereasa
Who does he thing he’s fooling. This kind of shit is why people thing that being gay is a choice.
jjose712
@Tereasa: Agree. He made his big proclamations, probably embarrasing his wife, and now this. I don’t know if he is straight, gay or bi, what i’m sure is he is an idiot
Nikkidane
He seems quite confused. He is either deeply repressed or he’s bisexual. It is certainly easier to choose to live a heterosexual life if you are bisexual. He’s very young and I doubt he’s ever really been deeply in love with anyone. One day he’ll meet a man or woman that he feels he can’t live without. I wish him well however he chooses to live.
alterego1980
I am horrified that he used inheriting bipolar disorder from his dead mother as an excuse for fooling around with guys and proclaiming he’s gay. That’s the lowest of the low. He’s just another idiot who can’t take responsibility for his actions.
money718
Ok, Ben. Just live your life idiot. Maybe if you left SD, you might grow up.
Hillers
In his videos, he talked about having a boyfriend at one time, and hanging out with a few guys he’d met. He even admitting being a bottom in one. So the drunken fooling around wasn’t his only dip into the man pond unless he was lying.
I still think he’s hot, and wish him well. I can’t imagine being 25 with two young kids acts as a magnet for other gay guys in his age group.
Raphael
Please, who cares about him? I have my own life to be concerned about…
Bauhaus
@demented:
Uh, lots of people don’t come to terms with, and don’t admit thier sexuality until much later. That’s very different from figuring out ones sexuality.
zwirad
I never knew who you were, so I am not distraught at your declining your true self whatever that may be. I knew I was “gay” since I was like, 5 and definitely when I met Alan in Boy Scouts. It’s not difficult to ascertain.
If you feel comfortable hiding back in the closet in a lie or “phase” so be it, just don’t let the closet door whack you on the way back in. You will not be missed. There are plenty more Gay men, even gay dad ones, comfortable with who they are to take your place. I for one will continue to live my reality.
TundraMichael
I never realized that some closets have revolving doors.
MMDD
@AtticusBennett: “btw – anyone else in here know they were gay LOOOONG before they ever experimented with a guy? yeah. exactly.”
“Yeah, exactly” indeed. I knew I was attracted to guys long before I even knew was “sex” or “gay” was all about. Heck, I can even go back to age four technically, but I first realized it at age 12. Didn’t have sex with another guy till I was 26. It wasn’t experimenting either; it was finally doing what I’d been longing to do practically my whole life.
Regardless of how this guy labels himself (straight/gay/bi/fluid), his current label is “confused.” This is one of the reasons I would never date a guy under 30—and preferably much older than that. Too many guys in their 20’s are still trying to figure out who they are and what they want out of life.
MMDD
Shit…even knew WHAT “sex” or “gay” was, is what I meant to write.
MMDD
@AtticusBennett: “You’re not gay because you have sex with men. you’re gay because you think about, and want to have, sex with men.”
Exactly!
Meb
This is one of the reasons because I do not celebrate bisexual coming outs (of the closet). Obviously, he was never gay but he is bisexual.
And the bisexual guys always end up in hetero relationships.
Meb
This is one of the reasons because I do not celebrate bisexual coming outs (of the closet). Obviously, he was never gay but he is bisexual.
And the bisexual guys always end up in hetero relationships.
MMDD
@Meb: “And the bisexual guys always end up in hetero relationships.”
Not always, but most of the time, yes.
Stache99
@Meb:He’ll still want to scratch that gay itch every now and then. Exept this time it will be more on the down low.
sfhally
Quit referencing these guys as gay–they’re bisexuals.
lbbcooper
I cut this guy a lot of slack. I knew I was turned on by men long before I actually became involved with one. This guy has complicated his life to the extreme. He may be in limbo for the entire time his children are growing up, possibly longer. A responsible person might easily rationalize their sexuality for their kids and not be conscious of their true motivation. I think he should get away from all outside influences and follow his heart. If he’s gay, he’ll always be gay, but being gay is not a guarantee of happiness in his case. It will all work out eventually, but that may take years. If we gay people just wish him well, we will have done the right thing.
barkomatic
As long as he doesn’t now trash gay people or speak out against our civil rights, then I say let him be with someone who makes him happy whether that’s a man or woman.
21stCenturyBear
I’m disappointed in the lack of compassion shown towards this guy. I would say he needs help to deal with the issues he’s going though, but that makes him no different to millions of other people in the world, LGBTQ or not. What I don’t understand is how a community that demands respect and acceptance is so quick to condemn someone for not being sure about who they are and for trying to find their place in the world.
Billy Budd
He is obviously:
1) Unbalanced and bipolar like his mother (it is in his DNA)
2) BISEXUAL
3) A self-hating individual at least on a certain level
4) Prejudiced against gay people (they are not “normal”)
5) Trying to be a good family man.
I feel sorry for him. We should not be angry with this guy. He must be suffering. Let’s hope he takes his meds and never follows the steps of his mother.
Beachhouse
@AtticusBennett: Well said! This is EXACTLY what I was thinking. (:
Billy Budd
Bisexuals usually behave like heterosexuals and stay “latent” for the rest of their lives, because it is still out of fashion to feel attracted to men and to have sex with men. If there were no repression in society, he would not be denying his sexuality and regretting his coming out.
asby
This is why people need to stop putting anyone who “comes out” on a pedestal ….I am sure if he was an unattractive guy with 3 teeth he would of never made some stupid list of coming out stories
Stache99
@asby: Ha. Really a great point. He’s a perfect example because you can’t say it’s about celebrity. For every Ben Hobson there’s 100 more just like him every month that no one gives two sh*ts about because they don’t have the same look.
KwisatzHaderach
I wonder if the people coming to this guy’s defense actually bothered to watch his videos. FFS, he has a gay brother who is married (to a man). So that “curious about the gay lifestyle” BS doesn’t fly. And, seriously, “gay lifestyle”?! WTF is that when it’s at home? Apparently, it’s getting a wacky haircut, covering yourself in ridiculous tattoos, and donning a pair of hipster glasses.
KwisatzHaderach
@Hillers:
Thank you. For a second there, I was beginning to think I’d imagined all that. Someone posted a link to his YT page on Reddit and I watched a couple of them in one sitting a couple of months back. To think, I actually took up for this guy when people were calling himself a selfish bastard for misleading his wife, saddling her with two kids, and then making a flashy coming out video afterwards.
Pistolo
I’m just ranting this out, maybe this is just very raw but I just feel betrayed by people like this. Maybe it’s wrong, maybe that’s the way some homophobic heterosexuals feel about gays, that we’re somehow betraying a natural order of things or some BS. But I just feel like I go through SO MUCH and continue to go through SO MUCH for being unrepentantly, unapologetically gay, there are so many places I’m neither safe nor welcome, places I couldn’t feel comfortable in EVER seemingly. And YET I am SO glad I’m gay, I wouldn’t want it any other way ever. I’m glad there’s a word for it, I’m glad there’s people I can talk about it with, and places like this for people of a similar feeling.
And then there’s these….f—kers, who just see-saw to whatever whims strike their fancy and with a fowl swoop discredit so much of what it means to be gay…and all just for their own EXTREMELY individual situation. There probably are gay people in his situation who will stay gay but go down his path with electrodes attached to their damn heads and wives or girlfriends or kids that hate them and he’ll be a hero or example to them because he is either back in denial or never truly was gay or whatever and was just being downright frivelous. I’m so tired of all these other sexual minorities saying that we have it so easy compared to them. NONE OF US DO. Because it’s so hard and so complex and there’s no real way to mobilize people into being more sensitive or thoughtful or mindful or tolerant.
So f-k him. Maybe it’s just an emotional reaction to the fact I’ve had to convince so many other people that I am who I am and there’s no going back on it nor is there ANY desire to.
jeffsmith60
Wow. I can’t believe most of these comments. You commentators are basically Duck Dynasty in rainbow cammies. Nobody has any idea what Ben’s struggles are. He could totally be an asshat. He could also be a guy trying to figure out his life. There are more than 8 billion people in the world. Do you really think everyone falls neatly into one of three labels? Keep in mind that we used to believe there are only two genders. It’s only been within the last decades that the trans community is finally being recognized as it’s own gender with its own needs. This guy is trying to figure out what his place is. He deserves to be treated with dignity and respect just like anyone else. Most of these commentators are just as judgmental as the Religious Right. Hypocrites.
Perfida Limpin
Uhm. I thought I was a regular Queerty reader, but this guy’s name (or face) has absolutely no recall to me, which is probably good as I have not become emotionally invested in his coming-out story. Not that I ever become that emotionally invested to badmouth him in public (or private) after this recent development. It’s his life so let him be, especially since he didn’t hurt anybody. Life’s too damn short.
parrjj01
He’s an absolute idiot. “I was curious?” He’s just straight up in denial now. If he was just curious he wouldn’t do all the gay things he did. Talk about his man dates, talking about all the gay things he did, etc. There are other ways to experiment then do every stereotype in the book.
KwisatzHaderach
@Perfida Limpin:
“…he didn’t hurt anybody.”
I’m sure his ex-wife thinks differently. :/
DarkZephyr
@demented: I don’t buy it. I firmly believe that we are what we are, period. That can be any range of things, from gay, straight, bi, asexual, pansexual, etc. But I believe that we are what we are, period.
@Pistolo: *thunderous applause*
KwisatzHaderach
@Pistolo:
Terrific comment!
KwisatzHaderach
A follow-up to my comment about the ex-wife…
http://youtu.be/Bm9hLVjpZno
Not that they’re the only victims in this situation; there’s the children and the men themselves. It’s sad because we’ve all seen this played out before (John Paulk, Jim McGreevey, etc.).
Dxley
More power to him!
KwisatzHaderach
@Dxley:
LMFAO! That’s all you’ve got to add? Go play outside, the grown-ups are talking… 😀
Pistolo
@jeffsmith60: No, everyone doesn’t fall neatly into those labels that’s why anyone other than straight can just call themselves QUEER. Queer is an umbrella term for people who feel they’re out of the hetero, gender norm. But oh-so-sophisticated contrarians just love to pretend like anyone who puts themselves in a “box” is an a-hole for being able to self-identify their sexual orientation. By the way, you probably use a thousand labels in real life to denote other people. Do you call people African American? Are they actually from Africa? Is a person Jewish or Muslim or just ethnically Jewish or Muslim but non-praciticing? You over-simplify people all the time, don’t pretend like you don’t. How many words fully encapsulate the nuances of a person’s character or life? NONE. But if we didn’t have them, we wouldn’t have evolved. Maybe it’s the limiting part of my brain that made me choose being gay when I could be contraraiosexual but I just can’t fathom the war on “labels”. It’s just a cheap shot at trying to sound “open-minded” when really you’re just ripping the fabric of a community that has fought HARD to be anything other than crucified.
AnitaMann
First, if that’s your definition of hot you need to get out more. Second, what a loser. He got his 15 minutes of fame by claiming to be gay. Then when that 15 minutes was up, he was desperate for more attention so he slithered back to the straight side of things. In actuality I don’t think he was ever gay and was simply looking for fame and money.
I really feel sorry for his children. To have a father this desperate for attention will most likely result in a sad and pathetic upbringing.
Meb
@Stache99: @Billy Budd: @asby asby:
I agree with you.
We, gay people, are usually respectful about alleged sexual orientation changes of bisexual people.
But the bisexual guys should stop lying, using other guys as objects or relativizing about the homosexuality. They should be honest.
Meb
@ Stache99 @ Billy Budd @ asby asby
I agree with you.
We, gay people, are usually respectful about alleged sexual orientation changes of bisexual people.
But the bisexual guys should stop lying, using other guys as objects or relativizing about the homosexuality. They should be honest.
Sebizzar
Confused for sure, but at least he didn’t completely deny liking men at all. I just like how he and so many others forget there is a “B” in LGBT.
cflekken
I feel sorry for this guy and I do hope that he can come to terms with whom he really and truly is, and not succumb to external pressures or stereotypes. Unfortunately, he sounds more confused than Sarah Palin trying to find the “country” of Africa on a map of the “state” of Canada.
alextranemi
No I feel sorry for his wife that he cheated on with a guy before coming out and then go back to the closet, he also forced her to record a reaction to his coming out video. She was miserable in that video and he was all smilling. She was humiliated because HE decided to blast their story all over the internet. On his tumblr he was decribing how he managed to put a whole dildo up his ass, no details were spared. On the other videos he also outed guys that he was sleeping with without their consents. He’s a narcissistic selfish individual.
joseph
WTF!!!! He’s full of it……….He’s STUPID GAY………Probably wasn’t Good SEX……when he fooled around…
jjose712
@jeffsmith60: He could figure out his life in private, without the need to humiliate his wife, wich is the innocent part here.
I think it’s hard enough your husband coming out as gay, but making this go totally public without ever thinking in her is selfish.
He never gave her even time to adjust to the new situation.
And now he decides that he is not gay, well dear friend if you had kept that whole coming out to yourself it wouldn’t be nobody’s business (apart of your wife and kids), but now you have to endure the backlash.
NJjoe
I am not going to attack this guy based on his looks, etc. However, he’s a true coward. What he put his wife and family through is hell worthy. An established cheater, selfish, attention seeker and a pathetic human of a being. Karma has arrived. He is now the most self-humilated who excists today.
enlightenone
@MMDD: “Too many guys in their 20’s are still trying to figure out who they are and what they want out of life.” But we do know WHAT we are whether we want to declare it or not!!! Those who “NEED”/DENY/”SUPRESS” their sexual ORIENTATION some call this the “CLOSET!” That said, people like this guy use social media to get attention/”CELEBRITY” in anyway they can. Is he a homosexual? Frankly, given his behavior so far, that is NOT the question that matters so much as he isn’t psychologically healthy to be influencing young minds, in this case, YOUTUBE video, be in a relationship with anyone, certainly not a parent until he gets competent treatment for his addictions.
enlightenone
@MMDD: @AtticusBennett: “You’re not gay because you have sex with men. you’re gay because you think about, and want to have, sex with men.” Actually that’s homosexually or bisexually-oriented. “Gay” is a chosen psychoSOCIAL CULTURAL identity!
enlightenone
@lbbcooper: “If we gay people just wish him well, we will have done the right thing.” BUT first he needs to STOP the YOUTUBE videos and get help for his addictions and psychological disturbances!
enlightenone
@21stCenturyBear: “What I don’t understand is how a community that demands respect and acceptance…” WE/gay community doesn’t “demand respect and acceptance” we DEMAND OUR CIVIL RIGHTS!
“…is so quick to condemn someone for not being sure about who they are and for trying to find their place in the world.” Can’t speak for anyone else, IT’S THE YOUTUBE VIDEOS I “condemn,” not the guy. He needs help!
lykeitiz
The only sad part about this is that there’s a wife & kids in the mix. Other than that, it’s pretty typical.
He’s young, & he’s going through a lot, but now thanks to social media, once something is put out there, fleeting thoughts & feelings are given the same relevance as life-long firm beliefs.
He’s a kid….he’s learning & growing….and we’ve ALL been there! And everyone does it at their own pace. He isn’t the fool. The fools are the ones who elevated the blah blah of a 19 year old.
alextranemi
He’s 25…
Mars414
Honestly, who cares? Let’s focus on out people who are actually saying or doing something interesting.
Bryguyf69
@Meb: Actually, research disputes that. Men who identify as bisexual more often end up in gay relationships — or identify as exclusively gay — than revert to full heterosexuality, or settle in a straight relationship. I expect this be even more prevalent as society becomes more gay-friendly. Not only will gay men no longer feel the need to identify as bisexual, but those who are truly bisexual will feel more comfortable exploring their gay side.
lykeitiz
@alextranemi: Oops….my mistake! I still stand by what I said though: People mature at their own pace.
onthemark
Maybe it’s like The Rocky Horror Picture Show which had a “sweet transvestite from transsexual Transylvania.”
Ben is a sweet bisexual from bipolar Bidakota. (As Bill Maher says, do we really need TWO Dakotas, isn’t one enough?)
Also – have to agree with the commenter who thought Ben would sort out his problems better if only he left there.
KwisatzHaderach
@lykeitiz:
“The fools are the ones who elevated the blah blah of a 19 year old.”
And who the f–k is doing that here? We’re calling him out on his bullshit that “gay feelings” are something that can be (or need to be) “overcome,” that “the gay life” is something you can try on for size like a hipster cardigan.
Also, he’s 25 and, like the rest of us, he’s had since puberty to figure himself out. Add to that the substance abuse issues and predisposition to mental illness, the selfish narcissistic behavior… ugh, he’s a mess.
KwisatzHaderach
@onthemark:
I love how people are claiming him to be “bi-sexual.” You don’t scrub your social media of all traces of same-sex attraction/behavior if that were the case. Or say that you’ve OVERCOME “curiosities.” These “gay feelings” are something he’s now ashamed of. He’s gone full-on Michael Glatze ex-gay.
alextranemi
He also commented numerous time on YouTube comment that he doesn’t believe that “bisexuality exists ” and that bisexual people are going to be lonely forever because no one will be able to trust them with their heart. I’m not make this up . http://postimg.org/image/ocf7ykxpb/
onthemark
@KwisatzHaderach: There are two parts to this: (1) what he believes/claims about himself and (2) whatever the reality is, which he may or may not ever figure out.
Nobody here seems thrilled to be “claiming” him to be bisexual; we’re just acknowledging the likely situation here. He can DENY being bisexual all he wants – @alextranemi: or even deny that bisexuality exists – but he’s still probably bisexual in reality.
And as we know, “ex-gay” is not a real thing, even if he eventually goes all the way and claims to be that.
Bryguyf69
I had initially promised that I won’t get into this debate but … OMG, the ignorance and need to judge are shockingly high. First, if you guys are going to discuss bisexuality, etc, at least familiarize yourself with the research. Likewise for the topic of gay men who have married women. There’s some pretty good research out there (you’d be surprised by the number of good papers in Journal of Marital and Family Therapy), and several good books written by the [ex-]wives of gay men. Based on your comments, however, I’m pretty confident that most of you have never even picked up an academic journal, or even read about such research in the popular press. Yet you feel qualified to judge and condemn others. Indeed, most of the ignorant drivel I’ve read about bisexuality is shockingly reminiscent of what homophobes say about homosexuality. And almost none of it is based on research or personal experience.
Second, Ben has no responsibility to anyone but his loved ones, and chances are, you’re not among them. He never asked to be a “role model,” and if you consider him — or anyone else — a role model, that’s your choice. And your problem, not his. It would be a different story if he had ever labeled himself a role model, or even expressed, “Look at the fabulous gay life I lead” (which is so prevalent among gay vloggers). Ben has never done so. As far as I know, he has never even offered advice (on anything, including parenthood) or invited personal correspondence. In fact, he has asked for advice. In contrast, many gay vloggers, for better or worse, tell viewers to email them if they want advice in coming out, etc.
Are all YouTubers “role models” by default? If you believe that then you also necessarily believe that it’s better to have a sanitized channel than an honest one. And in principle, you’d also agree with those homophobes who believe that gay teachers shouldn’t come out in rural communities (aka “community standards”). As far as I can tell, Ben’s channel is not categorized as “Educational,” and most people would rather watch an honest vlog than a dishonest one saccharinized for widest viewership. Whether factually (and scientifically) correct or not, what Ben wrote was what he felt. But it seems that some of you would rather have him be YOUR mouthpiece.
When I counsel people, I specifically work AGAINST relying on “role models,” especially celebrities. Your strength should come from within, and your life path should be yours alone. You can take specific examples from others, but that’s a far cry from calling those a role model. If the model is someone you know intimately, i.e a parent, I’d give you some leeway. But a Youtube personality? Seriously? Are you really deluded enough to consider a few minutes of EDITED and SCRIPTED footage a week worthy for role modeling?
enlightenone
@Billy Budd: “…Bisexuals usually behave like heterosexuals and stay “latent” for the rest of their lives.” Really, where did you learn that this is the norm? Most do not deny themselves having sex was males making or having the opportunity to indulge though for some they will at a particular stage in their life. Some never deprive themselves!
DonW
Maybe there should be a mandatory waiting period before posting a coming-out video on YouTube, sort of like red states impose on women seeking abortions.
KwisatzHaderach
@onthemark:
“…he’s still probably bisexual in reality.”
And how exactly are you coming to this conclusion? A past history of sex with females, fathering children, etc. does not a “bi-sexual” make.
http://youtu.be/3Ke5vIKg8oc (skip to around 4:00, if you’re the impatient type)
Look, Hobson can call himself whatever he likes, take down his social media, and fade into obscurity to focus on being a better father, but save that “same sex attraction can be overcome” bullshit; it’s damaging to impressionable gay youth and closeted men like himself who are in a similar situation (sham marriage, kids, etc.).
Saint Law
#sexualityisfluid
And in his case the fluid is sperm.
Saint Law
@Dxley: Trolling is another thing you’re shit at.
onthemark
@KwisatzHaderach: Apples & oranges. He can claim to be a leprechaun, that doesn’t make him a leprechaun.
Yes, his comments are nearly of the “ex-gay” sort, but so what? To suspect he’s in reality bisexual – or gay for that matter – is not to defend the comments. Nobody here is defending the comments.
What are you implying, you think he’s definitely 100% gay? “And how exactly are you coming to this conclusion?” His PAST comments? A past history of bromances, hipster tattoos etc., does not a gay make.
KwisatzHaderach
@onthemark:
“What are you implying, you think he’s definitely 100% gay?”
And where the f–k did I say that?! I don’t *imply* anything. I f—-n say what I mean to say. And are we breaking it down to percentages now??
“And how exactly are you coming to this conclusion?”
Nice try. How ’bout you answer the question first? 😐
onthemark
@KwisatzHaderach: I get that you’re offended (so am I) by his neo-ex-gay comments and their possible effect on “impressionable gay youth” yadda yadda yadda. Apples & oranges. The comments have nothing to do with his actual sexuality, whatever it is, whether or not he or anyone else ever figures it out.
Why wouldn’t I think he’s bisexual? I see no particular reason to suspect he’s 100% gay. Since he’s had sex with women in the past, well right there, ew, he’s more bisexual than I am.
I don’t want to claim him for our side, anyway!
KwisatzHaderach
@onthemark:
“Why wouldn’t I think he’s bisexual? I see no particular reason to suspect he’s 100% gay. Since he’s had sex with women in the past, well right there, ew, he’s more bisexual than I am.”
There are no percentages to being gay. A gay man who comes out at the age of forty after divorcing his wife of twenty years and fathering three sons is just as gay as a flamboyant 18-year old twink who’s been out and proud since preschool. Saying otherwise would be trivializing his experiences. Just as there are “gold star gays,” there are gays with… an asterisk.
onthemark
@KwisatzHaderach: Oh, have we given up the Kinsey 1 thru 6 Scale also? I didn’t get that memo.
You are apparently saying that bisexuality does not exist. Which is exactly what Ben said.
Or are you saying that bisexuality does exist, but it’s always in 50/50 form??? Say what you f–n mean! 🙂
KwisatzHaderach
@onthemark:
“Oh, have we given up the Kinsey 1 thru 6 Scale also? I didn’t get that memo.”
Is it 1 through 6 or zero to six? Or seven? I can never get that straight (pardon the pun). And is gay 6 or 1? Do straight people need to bother with this? “Hi, I’m a 6. Oh, wait, I’m a five.” And does 3 mean you’re fine with getting head but not actual penetrative sex?
Also, I’ve always found Kinsey’s methodology to be flawed. That plus the fact that he slept with his grad students and encouraged them to sleep with each other (sometimes to disastrous results).
“You are apparently saying that bisexuality does not exist. Which is exactly what Ben said.”
Or am I saying that a potential for bisexuality exists in everyone, gay and straight? Hmm…
“Or are you saying that bisexuality does exist, but it’s always in 50/50 form??? Say what you f–n mean! :-)”
I thought we established that I’m not a fan of percentages…
onthemark
@KwisatzHaderach: If you think “a potential for bisexuality exists in everyone, gay and straight,” why did you object so strongly to the notion that Ben Hobson is bisexual?
And what do you base this science upon? The fact that you live on Planet Dune, eat a lot of spice and have amazingly blue eyes? 🙂
(Btw… “a potential for bisexuality exists in everyone, gay and straight”… my personal opinion is something like “eww!” But I admit that’s just my personal opinion.)
KwisatzHaderach
@onthemark:
I believe terms like “bisexual” and “homosexual” are best used to describe sex acts/behavior or sexual history, not as a term for sexual orientation. Is a twice-married father of two girls like Jim McGreevey a bisexual? Well, if you look solely at his sexual history, then yes, he is. But that’s not what what he identifies as. He is gay. Someone above called gay identity “a social construct.” A word for getting like minded people together, said another. In a sense, that is true.
Here’s a quote from Queerty commenter, Scribe38 (from the article about the TOWIE star):
“I dated women in high school and college. I honestly cared about every girl I dated. As a teen I would jerk off thinking about girls. I enjoyed sleeping with them, but yeah there was something missing. I thought maybe I was just bisexual and had three ways with a guy and a girl. It took me a while to realize/accept emotionally I’m capable of loving and screwing people of both genders but I am only my true self when I am with a man.”
KwisatzHaderach
@Bryguyf69:
Ugh. I don’t think anyone here was seriously looking to Hobson as a ROLE MODEL. He’s saying some stupid things on his way out the door (or back into the closet) and he’s getting called out for it.
onthemark
@KwisatzHaderach: Yes, except you were concerned about “impressionable gay youth” seeing his videos and considering him… well, if not a negative “role model,” what were you concerned about?
KwisatzHaderach
@onthemark:
No. His videos weren’t the problem. They were inane and silly. It’s his farewell address and the disavowal of “the gay life” (by deleting the videos and downplaying their content) that I thought sent the wrong message to gay youth and similarly situated closeted men.
enlightenone
@Pistolo: Just beautiful! Thank you and bless you. What a MAN!!!!
Bryguyf69
@onthemark wrote: “Oh, have we given up the Kinsey 1 thru 6 Scale also? I didn’t get that memo. You are apparently saying that bisexuality does not exist. Which is exactly what Ben said.”
===
Well, I’ve written that memo several times already, i.e. in the Queerty piece about gay-for-pay porn actors. In fact, flaws of the Kinsey Scale was an area I was actively researching before I switched fields. And yes, no serious researcher uses the Kinsey Scale anymore. It was abandoned long ago for something multi-dimensional like the Klein Grid, which captures AMPLITUDE (strength) as well as describes the feeling. The one-dimensional Kinsey Scale not only fails because it doesn’t reflect how strong your desire is, but it’s based on ACTIONS, not FEELINGS. Today, we recognize that sexual orientation is PSYCHOLOGICAL, not PHYSICAL. A male prisoner can have sex with another man to survive, and not feel any attraction. Yet the Kinsey Scale would still label him gay. Researchers now recognize the flaw in this and label those subjects, “Men who have Sex with Men” or MSM. You’d see “MSM” a lot in HIV literature, i.e. from the CDC, because prevention strategies are different for them and men who are truly gay.
Furthermore, by ignoring amplitude, the Kinsey Scale actually supports the efficacy of “Reparative” Therapy. Aversive techniques work on diminishing one’s positive feelings toward something, i.e. a naked man, through punishment. And such conditioning no doubt works. The problem is that it does NOT increase feelings toward anything else, i.e. a naked woman. So while your attraction for men decreases, there is no increase in heterosexual feelings. Hence, Conversion Therapy is a misnomer — there is no conversion. Yet the Kinsey Scale will show movement from 6 (gay) to 0 (straight) since a loss of same-sex desire will lead to fewer same-sex acts. In other words, the Kinsey Scale will show movement toward heterosexuality even though there is no increase in heterosexual desire.
There are other problems with the scale too, and Kinsey’s methodology is almost laughable by today’s standards. But those are topics for another blog.
Bryguyf69
@KwisatzHaderach: Read some of the posts condemning him and you’d see that some accuse him of reneging his role as a “role model” for gays.
onthemark
@Bryguyf69: Thanks, I was unaware of a lot of that.
Bryguyf69
@onthemark wrote ” Oh, have we given up the Kinsey 1 thru 6 Scale also? I didn’t get that memo. You are apparently saying that bisexuality does not exist. Which is exactly what Ben said.”
===
Please quote where Ben says that “bisexuality does not exist.” I’d love to see the exact quote. All I’ve seen is a personal assessment, yet his detractors want to extrapolate those comments onto humanity at large. From what I’ve seen, Ben would never presume to make SCIENTIFIC claim like that.
enlightenone
@jeffsmith60: “Nobody has any idea what Ben’s struggles are.” Actually we have a good idea. YouTube! Of course the videos could be a complete sham? It certainly isn’t the first time by any stretch or the last given the self-publication capability of the medium. Take a breath and stop being sanctimonious!
enlightenone
@Pistolo: Well said. 2 snaps and a circle!
Bryguyf69
@alextranemi wrote “He also commented numerous time on YouTube comment that he doesn’t believe that “bisexuality exists ” and that bisexual people are going to be lonely forever because no one will be able to trust them with their heart.”
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Please link me to the video(s) where he says bisexuality doesn’t exist. And if the videos have been taken down, please quote him to the best of your ability.
As for the generalization that bisexuals will be lonely forever, it’s obviously too broad. But the trust issue is a real one. At least one survey shows that most people believe that bisexuals are more susceptible to infidelity. I forget the numbers, but a significant percentage said that they’d never date a bisexual. Some believe that it’s harder for them to remain faithful, while others fear that bisexuals will eventually settle into the opposite orientation. In other words, some gays won’t date bisexuals because they fear that the bisexual will eventually discover s/he’s straight. Heterosexuals won’t date bisexuals because they fear that bisexuality is just masking the person’s true homosexuality. So yes, Ben’s comment has an element of truth.
There are some interesting studies on biphobia, much of it coming from gays. As such, some gays actively shun bisexuals, accusing them of being closeted gays. That further isolates bisexuals, resulting in the loneliness Ben fears. In fact, some gays refuse to even admit that biphobia exists.
onthemark
@Bryguyf69: I got that from alextranemi’s comment (below) which I haven’t had time to check out (it’s time-consuming enough just to keep up with these comments!) – to be fair, gay posters on Queerty express opinions like this often:
@alextranemi: He also commented numerous time on YouTube comment that he doesn’t believe that “bisexuality exists ” and that bisexual people are going to be lonely forever because no one will be able to trust them with their heart. I’m not make this up . http://postimg.org/image/ocf7ykxpb/
Bryguyf69
Where exactly did Ben claim to be ex-gay or otherwise “cured” or “converted”? Admittedly, I haven’t read everything, but as far as I can tell, he merely said that he now thinks that he mislabeled HIMSELF, or misinterpreted HIS feelings. But for some reason, some of you want to extrapolate a PERSONAL assessment into the larger LGBT community and condemn him for it. That says more about your pathological need to generalize than anything about Ben. And again, familiarize yourself with the research. A few years ago, The Archives of Sexual Behavior had an great article on exactly this topic: Young men who thought that they were gay but turned out not to be. These were men who were not merely curious but actively labeled themselves gay, and lived their lives accordingly. Of course, many of you will ignorantly and arrogantly claim that there is no such thing, based on nothing more that YOUR personal experience and politics.
Few things disappoint me more about the gay community than those who want to interject their politics and morality into what is essentially a scientific topic. I’ve seen too much of it from homophobes and HIV-phobes.
Bryguyf69
@onthemark: Fair enough, and I apologize for attacking you over it. In fact, I discovered @alextranemi’s post almost immediately after posting my comment, and replied to it. I’m no expert on Ben Hobson so I’m not claiming that he hasn’t denied the existence of bisexuality. But it seems out of character so I would like to see his exact comment. And if he DID say it, you can bet that I’ll send him a rant like the ones I posted here! 🙂
MMDD
@enlightenone: ” ‘Gay’ is a chosen psychoSOCIAL CULTURAL identity!”
Bullshit. “Gay” is a term we commonly use to describe a state of identity that the overwhelming majority of us do NOT choose.
enlightenone
@DonW: Oh please, God make it so!
KwisatzHaderach
@Bryguyf69:
Why is it a bad thing that a gay person might not to get involved with someone who calls himself “bi-sexual”? There is a chance that, through no fault of their own, one day, they will simply cease to be… “enough.” Is it wrong to want to spare yourself that?
enlightenone
@KwisatzHaderach: The two of you are 99% in agreement! Lol. But, I totally agree that the “Kinsey Scale” causes more confusion than provide any real clarity for the reasons you point out and then some. Personally, I think the Kinsey Scale is as useful as the “Bible!” I am speaking as an experienced, credentialed professional.
KwisatzHaderach
@enlightenone:
“I am speaking as an experienced, credentialed professional.”
Hahahahaha!!! Good one! Apparently none of us have read the research…
enlightenone
@KwisatzHaderach: Touche! Thank you, you spared me the trouble rebutting the “role model” reference, since after scrolling thru all the comments found no refer to it.
vive
@Thomathy, how do you do those quotations? Is there some kind of html-like tag for it?
Paco
@KwisatzHaderach: That is a bit irrational isn’t it? Gay couples break up everyday because one (or both) suddenly decided the other was no longer enough, got a wrinkle, waxed his back and shaved off his fashionable “queer beard”, met someone new on his dating app he still used regularly while still in a relationship, etc… The list of reasons are endless.
Is it simply the thought of being dumped for a woman that makes you think people should be spared an involvement with a bisexual? I just find your comment interesting since I have felt more insecure with gay partners, especially when other gay men come into the picture since many do not respect the relationships of others, than I have with the (very limited) number of bisexual partners I have had.
Anyway, just curious what the difference is.
KwisatzHaderach
@Paco:
And those reasons you give would not be irrational IMO, but PETTY on the dumper’s part. But dumping someone for not possessing the currently desired genitalia? Can you really fault someone for that? Especially, if it is known upfront that that might be a distinct possibility.
I think people have a right to know ahead of time and choose whether or not to take that risk… and not be labeled as ignorant for it. Especially, when you’re talking long term relationships, combining incomes and sharing property.
Bryguyf69
@KwisatzHaderach wrote ” I don’t think anyone here was seriously looking to Hobson as a ROLE MODEL.”
===
Actually, you claimed just that in an earlier post: “it’s damaging to impressionable gay youth and closeted men like himself who are in a similar situation (sham marriage, kids, etc.).”
Having an impact on “impressionable” people is the very definition of a role model. Furthermore, you added that he had an impact on “men like himself who are in a similar situation.” That again, is pretty much what being a role model is all about.
So I repeat: If someone looked to Ben as a GAY role model, then the blame is on that person, not Ben. He never pretended to be a role model of any kind, nor an expert on any topic, especially gay matters. In fact, he never even uttered nor implied the overused sentiment, “If I can do it, anyone can.” There were no “messages” in his videos as you implied. They were merely slices of HIS life. Even in this latest phase, he never once said that his experience is typical, or that other gays should try heterosexuality, marry, have kids, etc. It was all, “This is what’s happening in my life,” and that was it. If people wish to look for subtext and subliminal messages, that says more about their psychodeficiencies than anything about Ben.
KwisatzHaderach
@Bryguyf69:
Impressionable gay youth and closeted married men… are not commenting on this article, idiot.
And people struggling to come to terms with their sexuality are psychodeficient?! Fuck off!
Bryguyf69
@KwisatzHaderach wrote “Impressionable gay youth and closeted married men… are not commenting on this article, idiot.
And people struggling to come to terms with their sexuality are psychodeficient?! Fuck off!”
===
Insults and personal attacks? Pathetic. I guess quoting YOUR OWN WORDS hurt, eh? Seriously, grow up.
And learn to READ and THINK before you post. First, just how do you know that “Impressionable gay youth and closeted married men… are not commenting on this article”? Are there Queerty rules preventing such people from commenting? Duh. Furthermore, how do you know that “impressionable gay youth and closeted married men… are not” READING the posts? Talk about illogical assumptions.
Furthermore, read your own post in context. QUOTE where you specified or implied that you were only referring ONLY to “impressionable gay youth and closeted married men… [that are] commenting on this article.” Based on your own words, you were talking about ANYONE who has access Ben’s videos and blog, and how his actions could harm them.
Finally, QUOTE where I said that “people struggling to come to terms with their sexuality are psychodeficient.” Unlike you, being an academician, I have the courtesy and integrity to quote both you and me. Here’s EXACTLY what I wrote, “IF PEOPLE WISH TO LOOK FOR SUBTEXT AND SUBLIMINAL MESSAGES, that says more about their psychodeficiencies than anything about Ben.” So are you claiming that ALL “people struggling to come to terms with their sexuality” “LOOK FOR SUBTEXT AND SUBLIMINAL MESSAGES”? Really? Do you have any study that all people struggling with their sexuality look for subtext and subliminal messages? Duh. I was CLEARLY only referring to people who wish to look for messages in Ben’s departure, and nowhere did I mention people struggling with their sexuality. Way to twit my words around.
And why don’t you learn how experts use “psychodeficient” before throwing around insults. It simply means missing something psychologically, i.e. companionship. So all I was saying is that something must be missing in the psyche of people who feel this need to look for messages in Ben’s departure (or videos), and how that message allegedly affects “Impressionable gay youth and closeted married men…” And by definition, those struggling with their sexuality is missing an integration their sexual orientation with their sexual identity. Duh.
Really, read carefully and think before you post. And lay off the insults because they just make you look desperate and stupid.
KwisatzHaderach
And again it’s not the VIDEOS that people are taking issue with! Geez, you’re thick!
enlightenone
@MMDD: “Bullshit. “Gay” is a term we commonly use to describe a state of identity that the overwhelming majority of us do NOT choose.”
I didn’t know that one “you” count as “overwhelming majority!” Who are “us” – defensive, foul mouths with limited education like yourself who lack reading comprehension skills?
enlightenone
@KwisatzHaderach: I assume you did, unless your comments was based on the recent movie, “Kinsey?”
KwisatzHaderach
@enlightenone:
You assume I did research into Kinsey? Oh, no. I saw the tail end of a PBS documentary about him and that’s about it.
I don’t remember much about it. They interviewed one of his research assistants and he offered up a story about how he tried to have sex with a man, a fellow colleague IIRC. And he was embarrassed because he couldn’t perform – he couldn’t get an erection.
The movie stars Liam Neeson, right? I’ve never gotten a chance to see it. I did see an interview with Peter Saarsgard talking about their sex scene together and Neeson’s famously large penis. 😀
cutemikey
@KwisatzHaderach: Wow, that deteriorated fast … and guess whose fault it was? I just read most of the posts and I saw nothing in @bryguyf69’s posts that deserved “idiot” and “fuck off” as replies. If anything, his posts were intelligent so you might want to look up the word “idiot.” And while you’re at it, look up the word “immature.” So sad.
KwisatzHaderach
@Bryguyf69:
Look at my handle, do you honestly believe I give a f–k what some rando on the internet claiming to be an expert thinks… LMFAO! 😀
enlightenone
@KwisatzHaderach: Yes, see the movie!
ryanM
@KwisatzHaderach: Fuck off? I wasn’t aware that you owned Queerty or this blog. Here’s some advice for you, Einstein: If you don’t want people to reply, don’t post. Simple, no? In fact, don’t post, period, if you simply want to insult people. It’s people like you that ruin Queerty.
KwisatzHaderach
@cutemikey:
Oh, look, it has a cheerleader…
ryanM
@Bryguyf69: I agree. When I was a youth counselor, I discouraged kids from using strangers as role models because they usually end up disappointed. In this case, it’s Ben’s journey and anyone who feels a need to follow his path needs counseling. Same goes for those who feel a need to judge the journey of others.
enlightenone
@ryanM: If you don’t want to be “judged” don’t video your “private” struggle/”journey” on YouTube. You are welcome! You can quote me on wristbands for any youth or emotionally struggling older guys you work with.
KwisatzHaderach
@ryanM:
Who said he couldn’t reply, Einstein (are we in eighth grade? lol)? And did say I owned Queerty (tha’ f–k??)?
Reply to me with some bullsh-t, and I am liable to tell you to f–k off. Simple, no?
KwisatzHaderach
@enlightenone:
I like Neeson as an actor, but what I know of Kinsey himself doesn’t leave me terribly interested…
KwisatzHaderach
Hi, guys! Just got my associates degree in camp counseling (with a minor in psychology) from The University of Phoenix! Seriously, like, just now… in the last five minutes. I am now officially an EXPERT. Direct all your queries to me.
On second thought, don’t, ’cause IDGAF! LMFAOLOLOLOLOLOL!!!
enlightenone
@KwisatzHaderach: Not yet, but it’s a start. Congrats!
stranded
@enlightenone: “If you don’t want to be “judged” don’t video your “private” struggle/”journey” on YouTube.” EXACTLY!!!! What is up with everybody thinking they need to make a video about themselves. When i see these coming out videos, i just can’t help and be cynical about their intentions. Do they really want to help people or do they want attention and fame?
Bryguyf69
@stranded wrote “When i see these coming out videos, i just can’t help and be cynical about their intentions. Do they really want to help people or do they want attention and fame?”
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Why are the two mutually exclusive? Indeed, one can lead to the other. Your cynicism is justified, especially after Youtube offered monetization, but there is no inherent conflict between the two.
iggy6666
@stranded: bingo!
E T
To those who are offended at the bipolar comment: You could argue bipolar is a part of his sexuality (if he’s bipolar). In a manic phase, it wouldn’t be uncommon for him to be sexually and romantically impulsive, grandiose, wanting to share his heroism with the world. Then, when settling back to normal, he could realize that he lied, and now has some atoning to do. His mistake was being dishonest about who he is, but that doesn’t mean that he wasn’t fully convinced he was gay in the height of his mania. I’d believe he’s bipolar, but I’m no doctor.
KwisatzHaderach
@E T:
I’d be concerned about leaving him alone with those children if he suffers from manic episodes that last long enough to sustain such a powerful delusion…
E T
@KwisatzHaderach: Ha, I’ve never met a parent that I fully trust. That’s why it takes a village. Also, everyone’s delusion from time to time, the most respectable thing to do is own it, which he seems to have.
KwisatzHaderach
@E T:
Do normal people usually suffer from delusions that last over a year? He needs to do more than “own” it. Perhaps, he needs to take some antipsychotics before he puts his children at risk.
Also, I have heard about the sexual impulsivity of bipolar people, but this (a delusion that lasts more than six months) sounds more like schizophrenia. He’s about the right age for it, too…
AtticusBennett
@stranded: how about you post a video talking about your experiences being gay, and since you have such a disdain for openly-visibly-gay Youtubers it’d be clear that you;re not in it for “fame” but to HELP.
so, will you? will you show yourself on youtube giving a specific message to help others? Something tells me you won’t. ever.
which is why you dismiss it as “they want fame” – the reality is much more likely that you simply don’t have the balls to do what others do. you could always prove me wrong, though. and put yourself on youtube. 😉
E T
@KwisatzHaderach: Normal people have delusions that last a lifetime. Just look at the Christian right. Misunderstanding one’s own feelings and sexuality does not mean somebody is schizophrenic. Also, I’m not going to argue that he is or isn’t bipolar. Just trying to point out that LGBT people and psychiatry have a long shared history, and it’s resulted in a very strange relationship. Gay people feel entitled to diagnose other people casually (as had been done to us for so long), and we treat “real” mental illnesses as something horrible to be punished. Some people need better access to treatments. Other people are misdiagnosed and wrongly medicated, and really need to be left alone. Figuring out who we are is complicated, life is strange, and trying to classify everything can be taken much too far. Live and let live, and don’t neglect the “queer and questioning” area of sexuality.