Raise your hand if you’re a gay man or woman, in a relationship, who’s been asked by a friend, “Well, which one of you is the man?” This could refer to who is the more dominant person in the relationship, but depending on how intimate a conversation you’re having, it could also refer to who’s the dominant person in the bedroom. Now raise your hand if you’re wholly annoyed, and perturbed, by getting that question.
So too is Lauren Bornstein, a senior at the University of Kansas, who points out how heterosexist a question it is in a discussion about roles in sexuality.
I can’t count the times I’ve been asked this question when people want to know about my sexual life. Really, what they should be asking is, “Who takes control?” They’re confusing sex (our biological label) with sexual behavior because clearly, in a sexual relationship between two women, there is no man.
So, why, when interest is actually about who’s in control, do we ask “who’s the man”? Society associates dominance with men because we view penal penetration as a dominating act. Men are literally thrusting into something– the vagina. We use this to categorize all sexual acts, even though not every coupling is male-female. This demonstrates the male-dominant heterosexual-focus of our society. People forget that sexuality is not black and white. People aren’t just straight or gay. There isn’t always a “man and woman”.
True dat, sista. It also negates all the power bottoms out there, who may be the receptive partners, but are the ones actually controlling what’s going on. (Right, PBs?)
But most of us have grown up with the male-female sexuality construct, which means it’s the one we are most familiar with; or the one most people are familiar with. So is it such a bad thing that we attempt to put each other in boxes based on that understanding?
How about we take this to the next level?
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Why do sex roles matter when it comes to what we do in the bedroom? We have a hard time understanding gay sexuality because we are used to heterosexual imagery. All over the media, we see heterosexuality: Barbie has Ken. Meredith Grey has McDreamy. Burger King has Dairy Queen. You get my point; we are a heterosexual nation.
What’s odd is we are always talking about America the “melting pot”– this wonderfully, diverse nation– yet we seldom see minorities (especially gays) well-represented in any kind of media.
This lack of attention doesn’t help dispel people’s poor understanding of homosexuality and sex roles. By labeling sex roles as “the man” or “the woman”, we limit our sexual abilities and imaginations to our anatomy. Sex is not defined by penetration. It is not defined by our biology. Sex is not about what you have, it’s about what you do, and, believe me, you don’t need a penis to make a woman happy.
Truer words, right?
Motard
The times I’ve gotten this question, it usually falls from two subtexts.
1) Yes, the question is inherently heterocentrist. Even among otherwise sympathetic straights, it’s a sign of how “natural” heterosexual relations are assumed to map over to gay relationships.
2) Which one of you is the top?
Adrian
I don’t think it’s an unfair question. Bornstein’s point about the imagery in our society is fair, but I disagree that the question limits our “imaginations to our anatomy”. It isn’t an anatomical issue. The question isn’t who has the penis and who has the vagina; rather, it’s an outsider trying to figure out the unique Yin and Yang of a gay relationship in familiar terms. I don’t think it’s even unreasonable to use “man” and “woman”. Many gay people do fill male or female archetypes within their relationships, regardless of their sexes. This isn’t something to be embarrassed by or defensive about; it’s just the way romantic pairings have always worked in our culture.
The top/bottom question is a different story. A couple’s sex life should not necessarily be fodder for polite conversation.
AxelDC
Um, no.
Next question?
scott ny'er
@Adrian: Agreed.
Ian
It is so varied. I knew one gay couple who were my friends years back where one was the “dominant” partner out-&-about in public, but I knew since I was their friend that the roles were definitely reversed in the bedroom.
Lukas P.
I can count on three fingers the # of times I’ve been asked [make that “we’ve been asked” because I’m coupled!] that question directly, but I know it’s been asked behind my back many times. My answer should be “come watch us and find out.” My real answer usually is along the lines of “we flip a coin each day to decide.”
Chalk it up to the hets being curious about same-sex couples and our fantabulicious sex-filled lives.
I wonder why they don’t ask “who’s the woman?”
thegaytekeeper
Haven’t gotten that question for a few years now…I guess persons that are close to me know better to ask me such a question…
Charles Merrill
Ask them who has the balls. Many women are taking the top role in a heterosexual relationship putting his penis in her vagina while the man is reduced to eating and licking her cunt like a dog.
David Ehrenstein
This question was posed to me most dramatically 40 years ago when the kid at the draft board who noticed that I’d checke the Whoopie Box (“Do you have homosexual tendencies?”) enquired (in a beautifully sweet and halting voice (I seriously toyed with hitting on him) “Do you play the man or do you play the woman?”
As this had never occured to me I of course said “Both.” And thus I was awarded my 4F and avoided death and genocidal complicty in Vietnam.
Moreover it at once became clear to me THIS IS WHY THEY HATE US!!!!!!!
We can play any sexual “role” we want — or none at all. Our sexual and romantic expressions are not contingent on rigid concepts of “Masculine” and “Feminine.”
Ot to put it another way — this is why Johnny Weir is such a powerful figure. He’s as “feminine” as all get-out, yet as “masculine” in his physical forcefulness as a semi barrelling down the highway at 95 miles and hour.
greybat
The correct answer is “Both of us.”
Chitown Kev
@Lukas P.:
My answer should be “come watch us and find out.”
That’s along the lines of the answer that I usually give. I extend an invitation to the person who asks to find out.
AlwaysGay
There are no gender roles in same sex relationships. Do what you want. Enjoy each other. Be free.
Latebrosus
@Lukas P.:
“We flip a coin each day to decide” should be followed up with–especially to a heterosexual couple–“don’t you?”
Yuki
@Adrian:
I’m inclined to agree with this. It seems to me like many relationships–even inadvertently–wind up with a more stereotypically feminine and stereotypically masculine partner. It’s the way our vocabulary and indeed humanity itself has been for years; I see very little wrong with it as long as people recognize that it’s two guys/girls in a relationship. Someone will most likely fill more of one role stereotypically, but people should recognize it’s not the exact same as the old archetypes.
Syl
@ David E: Wow, I didn’t know people your age knew about the internet! Jk, srsly, you’re totally awesome for saying that! And yes, that’s partly why: just by living and being ourselves, we undermine their entire distorted fantasy world!
And, to ad to the discussion, no, me and my gf don’t conform to the whole “dominant butch-submissive femme” dynamic. We both dress and act girly, and only “play” with one of us being dominant. It’s a bit scary at times, having no playbook to go by, having to deal with someone as an absolute equal, but all in all it rocks.