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  A GIRL HAS NEEDS

Johnny’s List Of Demands: Mutual Masturbation Is OFF The Table!

Screen Shot 2014-04-15 at 5.55.06 PMNo way, sister wife.

In the confoundingly odd “reconciliation package” worked out between ice princess Johnny Weir and hubby Victor Voronov, Johnny laid exactly how the two will not  be getting laid in the phoenix-rising love story emerging from the nothing-if-not-entertaining ashes.

Where’s the showmanship in conscious uncoupling, anyway?

Here’s what’s off-limits according to Weir’s document:

— sex outside the marriage
— oral sex outside the marriage
— kissing or making out
— sexting
— aggressive flirting
— mutual masturbation
— social media/grindr/dating

Seems reasonable enough, but having to sign on it? That’s a new one.

Some other nuggets include joint STD tests every six months with the results being read with both in the room and the right to “veto” contact with the lovers’ ex lovers.

Keep it classy, boys.

h/t: TMZ

By:           Dan Tracer
On:           Apr 15, 2014
Tagged: , ,

  • 20 Comments
    • Cam
      Cam

      Let me guess, his publicist told him the SHOCKING news that there is such a thing as bad publicity.

      See, this is the problem with emotionally stunted narcissists like Weir and his husband.

      EVERYTHING has to be some major event. If they had just shut up and worked this out quietly nobody would have known and he could have continued to ride the somewhat good press he got for his announcing duties at the Olympics. Instead, that is forgotten and all people now remember is his hysterical behavior.

      Oh, and notice how every single thing that goes on with this is leaked. Again, Weir is reminding me of Lindsay Lohan a few years ago where she thought any press was good and would fax everything off to the tabloids. You would think Weir would learn from her and Tara Reid what happens to people when they are overexposed.

      Pathetic.

      Apr 15, 2014 at 1:06 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Dawson
      Dawson

      Seriously this surprise anyone?

      Attention seeking is what Johnny boy has always been about.

      Cam you hit it right on the head. I am sure there will be a video out too.

      Someone once said it was the mad man who is the only person who didn’t know he was mad. Johnny boy your just sad and to quote Cam——-Pathetic.

      Apr 15, 2014 at 1:55 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • barkomatic
      barkomatic

      Why do I have a feeling that all this drama will be depicted in reality show in the near future?

      Apr 15, 2014 at 2:23 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • TerrenM
      TerrenM

      Personally, I would be extremely embarrassed to be publicly seen with JW. Also, he’s definitely shooting himself in the foot with any future projects with NBC.

      Apr 15, 2014 at 2:26 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Billy Budd
      Billy Budd

      People are really crazy. Nothing surprises me anymore.

      Apr 15, 2014 at 2:27 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Pistolo
      Pistolo

      If you actually have to SAY any of those demands, the marriage is doomed. Were they somehow not clear on the definition of fidelity?

      Apr 15, 2014 at 3:03 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • carey579
      carey579

      @Cam You’re seriously analysing this?

      The joke is on you!

      There is nothing as bad publicity!

      Apr 15, 2014 at 4:25 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • rextrek
      rextrek

      these 2 are making a mockery of Marriage equality!

      Apr 15, 2014 at 4:36 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • mawbinatl
      mawbinatl

      Um…aren’t those things that Lady Miss Weir listed the exact things that she was accused of doing?

      @rextrek you can’t lump these two fools into the whole marriage equality fight. I’ve seen some hum dingers of straight marriages that didn’t end all that well and were a public spectacle (Donald and Ivana Trump comes to mind).

      Apr 15, 2014 at 5:24 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Ben Dover
      Ben Dover

      To be totally fair, this is only slightly more crazy than most *officially* monogamous marriages.

      But why do they think there’s a difference between “sex outside the marriage” and “oral sex outside the marriage”? Did they hire the Clinton family lawyer or what?

      Apr 15, 2014 at 5:28 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Throbert McGee
      Throbert McGee

      Wow, I actually sort of agree with Cam about something! (I think.)

      As to rextrek‘s point… um, it seems to me that insisting on these very strict conditions is potentially consistent with Marriage Equality, because “Traditional Marriage” also forbade either the husband or the wife from engaging in something as simple as mutual masturbation with a third party.

      To put it another way, various self-described gay conservatives like Andrew Sullivan have claimed that the push for legally recognized Same-Sex Marriage is “essentially conservative.” Even some straight conservatives (usually non-religious ones) have jumped on the bandwagon and agreed that Marriage Equality™ is, at heart, “essentially conservative.”

      As for myself, I’m a skeptic. I’d be MUCH more inclined to accept Marriage Equality™ as “consistent with conservative values” if gays and lesbians were in the streets clamoring for their right to enter into so-called covenant marriages, as heterosexual couples are currently allowed to do in four states.

      But when gay people openly accept and endorse “open marriages” as The New Normal, I feel an acutely strong sympathy for right-wingers who claim that “the LGBT movement want to redefine marriage.”

      Apr 15, 2014 at 5:51 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • DarthKitsune
      DarthKitsune

      Catty bitches, the both of them!

      Apr 15, 2014 at 6:54 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Cam
      Cam

      @carey579: said…

      “@Cam You’re seriously analysing this?
      The joke is on you!
      There is nothing as bad publicity!
      _________________________

      No such thing as bad publicity? Nice try, One of the networks was considering hiring him, no more talk of that now.

      Just ask Tara Reid and Lindsay Lohan if there is no sich thing as bad publicity.

      Apr 15, 2014 at 7:21 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Cam
      Cam

      @Throbert McGee: said…

      “But when gay people openly accept and endorse “open marriages” as The New Normal, I feel an acutely strong sympathy for right-wingers who claim that “the LGBT movement want to redefine marriage.”

      _________________

      And again you jump to take the side of anti-gay bigots.

      Please point out where in gays fight for legalized marriage any of those court cases advocated for open marriages being the new normal. No, what we have here is a typical self hating gay who has bought into the right wings vision of gays.

      Apr 15, 2014 at 7:23 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • DuchessOfMilton
      DuchessOfMilton

      @Cam: He’s really something, poor old Throb.

      Apr 16, 2014 at 2:22 am · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • charwegl
      charwegl

      I wish stories like this didn’t envelop the gay community. There is real shit in the world we need to be worried about. Every time I come on here it’s a story about Weir or another admonishing someone for not coming out sooner or speculating on someone’s homosexuality. Queerty used to be a respected source. I’m started to read it less and less.

      Apr 16, 2014 at 4:40 am · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Throbert McGee
      Throbert McGee

      @Cam:

      Please point out where in gays fight for legalized marriage any of those court cases advocated for open marriages being the new normal.

       

      [Heavy sigh] Yes, Cam, you have done beat me good with your logic and well-practiced rhetorical skills. OUCH!

       

      Because, admittedly, I don’t know of any evidence that any of the LGBT plaintiffs in any of the court cases involving the legal recognition of same-sex marriage have ever endorsed open marriages. Ten points to Gryffindor, you master debater, Cam! I am well and truly humilated…

       

      P.S. On the other hand, there is PLENTY of evidence that Dan Savage, for example, has publicly been in the forefront of the fight for Marriage Equality™ (he’s been very vocal about this in his columns!). And there is also abundant evidence that Dan Savage believes in open marriage and considers his own to be “monogamish”.

      Apr 16, 2014 at 7:48 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • aequalitasTN
      aequalitasTN

      @Throbert McGee: So, there is no such thing as an open marriage with heterosexual couples? Shall we as a society revoke their marriage licenses?

      How about we let each couple decide what is best for themselves and have government stay out of business that is not their own; that used to be the credo of the Republican Party before it was taken over by ultra-religious idiots who decided they needed to legislate the Christian version of morality upon the populace.

      Apr 19, 2014 at 4:53 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • etseq
      etseq

      Throbert McGee is one of those self-loathing “frot” obsessives who disdain any loving, emotional, or even sexual (as in oral/anal) between men. Similar to the “g0y” (beware – like saying the word Bettlejuice – they tend so swarm in whenever mentioned (google alerts I imagine). Personally, I think these types are basically internet trolls who play act these characters online – they don’t tend to be the religious types, just obsessed with some bizarre, distorted notion of masculinity…

      May 8, 2014 at 12:10 am · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • etseq
      etseq

      Ah….amazing what a little googling will do. Throbert is a right wing hack from the bush years who was involved in that scandal where the right wingers were attacking a soldier writing diaries for The New Republic. Looks like he and Matt Sanchez (remember the right wing marine/porn star/escort?) were naughty boys…http://www.huffingtonpost.com/max-blumenthal/the-weekly-standards-reli_b_58977.html

      May 8, 2014 at 12:16 am · @ReplyReply to this comment ·

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