MAKE IT WERK

Lesbian Sex Tapes, Siriano Clones and Other Dirt From The New Season Of Project Runway

We’re not sure if it was the move to Lifetime or just the inevitable gild falling off the lily, but our once-rabid devotion to Project Runway has waned to the point where we barely realized Season Nine (?!) starts tonight.

Sigh—we can remember a time when we dissected each episode with surgical precision, assigned heroes and villains, and affirmed the unflappable refinement of Tim Gunn over coffee the next morning. Now we can’t even remember who won last season. (Um, was it the gay guy or the quiet girl?)

Anywho, back to the Season Nine premiere. Thankfully all the regulars have returned—Nina, Tim, Tangerine Koors, and Miss Heidi, who—surprise—is not pregnant, along with guest bobblehead Christina Ricci. Gone, however, is Models of the Runway—that pointless spin-off where the mannequins, who basically have no control over whether they stay or go, act like they have a say in whether they stay or go. Awwww!

Weirdly, this season sees 20 designers appearing in the first episode but only 16 actually make it into the competition—so we have watch them do the designer equivalent of lip-synching for their lives and explain why they should be on the show. It’s kind of a reverse of the Fashion Week stunts they’ve pulled before, where five designers get to go to the tents but only four get to compete—we call shenanigans!

But the first episode is really about sizing up the competition and figuring out who we love, who we hate and who we just want to feed miniature Dove bars to in a palatial suite at the Plaza. (It is for us, anyway.) So we pored over the designer profiles and video clips on the Lifetime site to see what kind of characters we’re dealing with this go-around. (There’s 20, so we just did a sampling).

Click to the next page and let’s begin the character assassination analysis!

 

Project Runway debuts tonight at 9pm on Lifetime.

 




Anya Ayoung-Chee
, 29

Ms. Ayoung-Chee is the only designer to have her own Wikipedia page before the season started: Turns out she’s Miss Trinidad & Tobago 2008 and was caught on tape having sex with another contestant and her boyfriend. (Hot!) She also just learned how to sew four months before the competition began. (Not hot!) We’re gonna say she’s got an inflated sense of self-worth, leans towards Chris March-style pageant realness and will snub her own model in order to walk down the runway herself.

 


Bert Keeter, 57

We always root for the older contestants on Runway (love you Sweet P!)—they bring less foolishness to the workroom and you get the feeling this is their last chance at fashion fame. On paper, we really like Bert—bitch worked for Halston—but based on his video intro he’s a bit more uptight than we like our middle-aged homos and his designs are rather staid. (We can already hear Nina telling him, “we’ve already seen this from you.”) Expect lots of  side-eyes during fittings and Bert being cut within the first five episodes.

Gunnar Deatherage, 21

Remember when Christian Siriano popped up in Season Four and he was, like, sooo annoying and full of himself—but he pulled a crapload of talent out of his ass and blew everyone away? This kid, we’re thinking, not so much. Seriously, is that even his real name? It sound like the lead singer of a Norwegian death-metal band, not an Aveda hairdresser who cites Lady Gaga as his style icon. “Gunnar” says menswear is his weak spot so we totally predict he’ll go down in a challenge that demands the designers create a three-piece suit that can double as maternity wear for Heidi. (C’mon, like she won’t be pregnant again by the end of season.)

Oliver Green, 22

Green is one of the “precious” Asian types Runway loves to use as cannon fodder (as is this guy.) He could be butch as a lumberjack for all we know, but his storyline will likely involve conceptual designs that no one gets, oceans of tears over every stitch and lots of unnecessary subtitles. Best of luck, Ollie!

Fallene Wells, 29

Oh hell no. This girl has Kenley from Season Five written all over her—right down to the made-up name, the retro designs and the penchant for annoying floral hairpieces. She’ll spend more time worrying about her bangs than finishing in time and will blame her crooked seamwork on the challenge being “unfair.” We’re watching you, “Fallene.”

Danielle Everine, 26

Danielle’s got the whole mousy Midwest thing going for her. (In the world of Project Runway, mouthy bitches may get to walk in Bryant Park but they don’t win.) She’s currently working as an intimates designer for Target, so she understands budget, expediency and the marketplace. But she says her weakness is gowns. Um, Danielle, have you watched the show? Of course that could be a fakeout: Maybe she’s already plotting her underdog strategy and wants everyone to shit a brick when she pulls some Bob Mackie magic out during the inevitable red-carpet challenge.

In which case she’s got the game sewn up.

 

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