“I’m just an ordinary guy, with an ordinary job,” Ben Alexander writes in a new op-ed published by The Independent. “You see me on the way to the office or down the pub at the weekend; I blend into the crowd, just another face in London.”
But Alexander carries with him a secret which, until recently, has brought him shame.
“[S]even years, five months, and a few days ago, another man raped me,” he writes. “He was bigger and stronger than me, and I was drunk.”
Alexander explains in harrowing detail how the man pinned him to the ground, shoving his face in the mud. He begged the man to stop. When he refused, Alexander called out for help, but nobody heard his cries.
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“He didn’t use a condom,” he recalls. “I was deeply ashamed and embarrassed.”
Related: Man Recounts Haunting Moment When He Stumbled Across His Rapist’s Facebook Profile
After surviving the assault, Alexander could not bring himself to report it to police, afraid he would be “scorned and ignored.” He did, however, see doctor about getting Post Exposure Prophylaxis (PEP), the drug used to prevent HIV infection in people who might have been exposed to the virus.
“The doctor I saw wasn’t sympathetic,” he recalls. “He told me that he couldn’t help me if I wasn’t prepared to help myself, and that he wouldn’t give me PEP unless I reported this to the police as a crime.”
Ultimately Alexander says he was left feeling “sick” and like “the rape was my fault” by the visit. Thankfully, he found another doctor who was willing to prescribe him the drugs he needed.
Related: Male College Student Bravely Opens Up About Being Raped By Another Guy
“Being raped changed me,” he writes. “[It] left me scared of the dark, checking the door’s locked all the time, often sleeping with the lights on.”
This went on for several years, until he finally contacted SurvivorsUK, a group that provides support to male victims of rape and sexual abuse, where he was assigned a therapist to help talk through his experience.
Though his rapist was never caught, Alexander still considers himself “lucky.”
“I’m HIV negative,” he writes, “which means that either my attacker wasn’t positive, or the PEP worked. And I’d now say I’m in a very good place in my life.”
“SurvivorsUK was instrumental in saving my life,” he concludes, “and giving me the confidence not to let my rape define who I am. … I’m now living without fear or shame, with confidence and strength.”
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Ponderous
What kind of a unsensitive twat of a doctor do you need to be to refuse a rape victim PEP because he hasn’t reported the crime? It’s too bad that he received the very treatment that the guy was trying to avoid (the feeling scorned and ignored) by not going to the police, from a person who should strive to heal both mentally and physically…
ted72
@Ponderous: Totally agree.
It’s possible that someone teaches that insensitive doctor about rape, see how he’d feel. Not condoning rape, but am advocating education to that asshole
Kev
I hope he reported that doctor.
onthemark
I encourage everyone to click on the link to the original article in the Independent, since this synopsis is misleading at points.
He “found another doctor”? The consultant in charge at the same hospital where the first doctor was. Yes, the first doctor was shitty, but the victim did get PEP (a big “bagful”) almost immediately at the first hospital.
The victim worried about hypothetical ill-treatment by the police – while getting ill-treated by one doctor anyway – and now seems much more worried about funding cuts to the charity he’s involved with, than about actually getting the rapists caught.
“Though his rapist was never caught”: uh, why would he ever be caught, since the rape was never reported as a crime? But the victim does say he regrets not reporting it. If male victims never report rapes, there will always be a stigma and maybe a lot more rape.
I realize it’s easier said than done, but you see how important it is to report these things. In the years since, how many other guys did his rapist rape?
jantheman4903
@onthemark: easier said than done?fuck u. and your righteous advice. get raped and see how rational you are. i wasn’t. you spent more time picking apart the article and damaging the victims credibility than showing any concern for the victim. there is something wrong with you. and dont bother answering back. nothing you say has any worth to me
NoCagada
@jantheman4903: Evidently, thinking rationally is NOT one of your stronger traits.
onthemark
Since “jantheman” has forbidden (!) me to respond to him, I’ll say I do have sympathy for him. But there are two separate problems here: (1) PEP to prevent HIV infection, and (2) the rape itself.
In this case the victim focused entirely on (1) PEP. And he got it. He was not treated well, yes yes yes yes yes. But regarding (2) the rape itself, in imagining a negative (and purely hypothetical) police response, he left a rapist on the streets to rape other guys!
And now he even admits, he regrets not reporting the rape. Maybe we should believe him.
Or maybe we should always just assume a negative police response, and therefore never report any male-on-male rapes? Is anyone seriously advocating that position?
@NoCagada: Thank you for that!
notevenwrong
@onthemark, yes, he could have reported it. But before you deride him further, maybe just imagine how he thought a generic policeman would have treated him after how well the generic doctor treated him.
onthemark
@notevenwrong: Imagine the rapist’s NEXT victim getting murdered. Which for all we know might actually have happened. We all have some responsibility in society. Instead this victim just took the attitude, hey I need PEP, I don’t want to report it, the cops will be mean to me (just guessing), I need PEP, that’s all that matters, and f*ck everybody else. (Literally.) And HE REGRETS IT.
o.codone
beg raped is degrading. in the military it’s still kept secret. it happens.
Alan David Smith
rape is rape. don’t be ashamed of being the victim of a crime
enfilmigult
@onthemark: I’ve seen some victim-blaming in my time but this really takes the cake. Hey, how about if the rapist murders his next victim, and THAT victim doesn’t get any good DNA samples under his fingernails or anything before being killed? You can browbeat his family about how if he were more responsible and thinking more rationally about his rape and murder, his killer might be on trial right now.
onthemark
@enfilmigult: Apparently I need to repeat it a third time: the author REGRETS NOT REPORTING THE RAPE. Did you miss that part?
(Sigh.) Try looking at it another way, leaving out the PEP part. No, I don’t know what it’s like. No, I’ve never been raped. I am, however, already HIV positive. Therefore if I were raped, PEP wouldn’t be an issue.
So if I am raped, by the bizarre “logic” some of you use, I wouldn’t be required to do anything at all? Nothing at all? Really? Just because the police *might* be mean? Really? In such a situation, am I therefore morally excused to do absolutely nothing and not report the rape?
No, I am not. I hope you will agree that would be morally repugnant.
o.codone
For me there’s that whole feeling that maybe I caused it or participated in it. it’s not that easy to dismiss as just being the victim of a crime. I wish, because I would have been over my rape years ago. I was in the military. We had a party with booze and pot. Two guys came in my a*ss. I reported it and I was told it was just a bunch of guys goofing off and that it didn’t happen. I was hurt from fighting them. It’s degrading. Still. Most of all, no one reached out to help me. That’s the worst part.
Clark35
He should have reported being raped when it happened, and asked a different doctor for the meds. Now the guy who raped him is raping other people all because this guy didn’t report him.
Glücklich
@o.codone:
That’s awful. I literally, physically feel bad *for you*. I am sorry that happened to you.
Rob Moore
@onthemark: I take it sensitivity is not your strong suit. Apparently no one ever raped or sexually abused you. Neither have I, but my best friend told me about his rape. He was 13 when he was walking through some woods between his house and the shop where he was going for a candy bar and a drink. A group of five older teenage boys trapped him and gang raped him. He was partner and I were the first two people he ever told. He said he was ashamed and frightened and that it hurt so badly. He thought for a long time that it was his fault. He never said anything to his parents, to police, or anyone until that night when the three of us were sitting outside listening to the wind blowing through the trees. We were already somber since a few weeks earlier, he was diagnosed with terminal malignant melanoma. He cried like a man whose soul and heart bore a terrible wound that had not healed in more than twenty years.
onthemark
@Rob Moore: That’s terrible, but you’re still missing the point. Obviously, nothing ever gets done to the perpetrator(s) unless the crime gets reported.
I guess I must repeat it yet another time (#4): the author (an adult at the time) regrets not reporting it.
What am I supposed to say in order to be “sensitive,” according to you? – okay, there’s so much stigma about male-on-male rape that no victim – even an adult – EVER needs to report it, to anyone? Including friends? And we shouldn’t waste any time worrying about the rapists ever getting caught, because it’s all, like, too hard to talk about to anyone?
To me, you seem insensitive because you imply that rape victims should just go home, cry for years into their ice cream, and never talk to anyone about it because there’s too much stigma. Is that what you mean? I don’t get what you want.
o.codone
@Glücklich: thanks man. hug. when justice is denied its a failure.
notevenwrong
@onthemark, you are very quick to judge without knowing the particulars of the case. For all we know, the victim couldn’t necessarily even identify his attacker. Your theory that crime victims who don’t report are to blame for any subsequent crimes rests on a lot of assumptions that are not necessarily true. As far as I know, no judicial system in the civilized world agrees with you, or they would be prosecuting rape victims right and left.
onthemark
@notevenwrong: Really, I need to repeat it a FIFTH time?: The author regrets not reporting it!!!
“For all we know”? But we DO know, from what he says himself. (Hint: it’s easier to click on the link instead of imagining it and making it up!)
What is it you people want? None of you seem able to explain what you want, unless you just want to feel superior to me while doing nothing about the problem.
Do you want everyone to agree that, oh, rape is terrible, so we need to just sit around and out-do each other in having “sympathy” and “empathy” and all that stuff (gee, I didn’t realize it was a competition!), while never actually DOING anything at all about the problem? I don’t get what you want.
onthemark
@notevenwrong: Also, merely to point out that subsequent crimes inevitably occur, if the first crime isn’t reported, is not the same thing as assigning “blame” to the first victim. In fact such problems are commonly discussed in criminology, for instance regarding marginal communities where “snitches get stitches,” and with long-running sexual abuse within families, and the like. It’s hardly a brand new “theory” of criminology that I made up; it’s discussed all the time.
And I’ll try to anticipate further vitriol from the sanctimony brigade. Yes, I think the charity that Ben (the author) is involved with, is doing an essential service and needs more funding. I don’t doubt that rape needs a lot of psychological follow-up care. Although, being slightly autistic myself, I’m the first to admit I wouldn’t be good at helping with that stuff. So maybe some of you touchy-feely-empathetic types, who are so much better than me, should consider getting involved?
BenAlexander
I was commissioned by the Independent, via SurvivorsUK, to write a first person piece on the effect of rape. I am not involved with SurvivorsUK in any way other than having previously been a very grateful recipient of their support, however, I wrote the piece to draw attention to the travesty that is the Mayor of London cutting SurvivorsUK’s funding to £0, at a time when there has been a 120% rise in men reporting sexual violence and seeking help. I also wrote it to give a voice to male rape, it’s a real thing, it’s a soul-destroying and life-destroying thing. If one person reads my story, now knows about SurvivorsUK, and feels able to find their own voice and ask for help, then that’s a positive thing.
I only had 600 words to play with, so, inevitably, what is published is not going to include every detail about every aspect of what happened. The regret I write about relates to calling on the night of the attack, clearly I acknowledge there would have been a greater chance of physical evidence being preserved had I called the same night as the attack. I did eventually have contact with the police, and my rape is part of the crime statistics for 2007, I provided them with the full details about what happened to me. Regarding whether or not I could identify him, other than basic information about his build, clothing, and smell, then, no I couldn’t identify him again.
It’s very easy to imagine how you might deal with a situation like this or what someone else should do, speaking for myself the reality was somewhat different than how I’d imagine it, and, at the time, I wasn’t at my most rational. It certainly wasn’t a case that the first thing I thought about was “I need PEP, that’s all that matters, and f*ck everybody else”. I didn’t even consider PEP until THT told me about it, I rang them out of desperation because I didn’t know what to do or who I could talk to. Looking back with a logical brain, then of course I can think about what I “should” have done, but I didn’t and I can’t turn back the clock.
@o.codone I’m so very sorry to hear your experience, sorry that you had to go through that.
@Rob Moore What happened to your best friend was awful, and I feel for you having to take the burden of him telling you too.
onthemark
@BenAlexander: Thanks for writing here, Ben, and I’m sorry I misunderstood your reaction.
BenAlexander
@onthemark: thanks very much, I really appreciate that