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Make-Up Sex: 5 Gay Porn Parodies Starring Michael Lucas And Frenemies

lucas-revenge-porn-casting

You might as well call Michael Lucas “bolognese” because he’s all about the beef lately. The outspoken gay porn magnate has been picking fights/getting bullied/throwing shade all around town and even overseas. In an effort to make peace and, more importantly, cheap puns, we’ve devised a way to bring Lucas and his enemies together through the healing powers of gay porn. It’s time to whip up some Butternut Bolognese…’cause we’re about to squash that beef. Or make it a lot worse. Either way: puns!

Scotch-guard that casting couch — we’re making movie magic with Michael Lucas’s All-Star Frenemy Gay Porn Fantasy!
Nikolai Alexeyev in Bareback in the USSR

lucas-v-alexeyev

Beef: Lucas penned an op-ed discrediting Aleyeyev, Russia’s most prominent LGBT activist, leading to a series of escalating threats from Alexeyev, who apparently quit activism all together — albeit temporarily.

Plot: Lucas and Alexyev break into Vladimir Putin’s office and have hate-sex — the best sex — on his desk. It’s later featured as a fashion editorial in Out.

Alternate Titles:
Putin a Russian Me
From Russia, with Lube
Eastern Cockblocked
Getting It Kremlin

Johnny and Victor Weir-Voronov in Scatting on Thin Ice

lucas-weir-voronov

Beef: A month later Lucas penned another op-ed about Russia, this time blasting openly gay figure skater  — which is somehow not an oxymoron — Johnny Weir for opposing a boycott of the Sochi Olympics, leading Weir’s husband, Victor, to go Facebook ballistic on the cocky columnist.

Plot: There’s a scene with a Zamboni that will snatch Threesome of the Year and possibly Best Automotive Orgasm at the Gay Porn Academy Awards, hosted by Neil Patrick Harris.

Alternate Titles:

Triple Salchow Hump
Weir There’s a Vic, There’s a Lay
WWWHHHHHYYYYYYY: The Nancy Kerrigan Story

Nick Gruber in Broke Straight Boy Toy

gruber-lucas

Beef: Gruber caused a commotion at a circuit party in Fire Island over the summer so Lucas had Gruber hoisted out by his Calvins. Gruber later issued an apology, which Lucas countered with a side-eye.

Plot: Gruber and Lucas recreate the Showdown at the Oh No He Didn’t Corral, but instead of Nick getting kicked out, he and Lucas just go at it while Calvin Klein sleeps in the corner.

Alternate Titles:
Gay-Gay for Pay-Pay — Not For Real-Real, Just for Play-Play
Gay-December Fauxmance
Nothing Gets Between Him & His Calvin

Vito Gallo in Two in the Stink, Dude in the Pink

lucas-gallo

Beef: Gallo, a porn actor with Lucas Entertainment, burst into their office one day and attacked Lucas because he felt his boss was dicking him around on his contract.

Plot: Gallo, wearing his signature pink shirt (and nothing else) renegotiates his contract with Nick Gruber, dressed as Michael Lucas, in what eventually escalates into an all-out brawl.

Alternate Titles:

Gallo’s Pole
Choke’s On You
Dis-grundled Employee
Tan Mom in SPF 69

lucas-tan-mom

Beef: None, Tan Mom just likes to party.

Plot: Tan Mom gets drunk while some dudes get it on in a tanning bed. Extra features include a cut cameo by Jodie Foster recreating her famous Coppertone ad which was ruined when Tan Mom tried to rip off her bikini with her teeth.

Alternate Titles:

When 15 Minutes Is Too Much
Best Little Famewhorehouse in Texas
Orange Is the New Tan

By:           Les Fabian Brathwaite
On:           Nov 22, 2013
Tagged: , , , , , , , , ,

  • 8 Comments
    • jckfmsincty
      jckfmsincty

      What’s wrong with his face?

      Nov 22, 2013 at 7:21 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • derek mcgillicuddy
      derek mcgillicuddy

      How is it “… somehow not an oxymoron?” An oxymoron is a contradiction in terms like “free money.” Since you’re implying that most, if not all, figure skaters are gay then it goes without saying that the adj + substantive is not contradictory, so why bother mentioning it? Did you mean to imply something different? DM

      Nov 22, 2013 at 9:02 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • BrandoPolo
      BrandoPolo

      @jckfmsincty: It’s called duckface syndrome. Usually afflicts arrogant kept men who pretend they’re self-made and who are not even 10% as attractive as they think they are.

      I’m glad somebody noticing that the common denominator in all this drama is one guy.

      Nov 22, 2013 at 9:10 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • DarkZephyr
      DarkZephyr

      I see Nick Gruber managed to be mentioned on Queerty again.

      Nov 23, 2013 at 10:02 am · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • AuntieChrist
      AuntieChrist

      @BrandoPolo: ROFLMAO. Brilliant! I had never heard that one before….Gawd that was funny. Duckface syndrome. I will be laughing on and off all day. Thank you. : ) On a personal note. I thought ALL gay porn were parodies.

      Nov 23, 2013 at 11:51 am · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Nick212
      Nick212

      I assume this is your attempt to be amusing. Please don’t try it again.

      Nov 23, 2013 at 4:34 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Chevy
      Chevy

      Please lay off Lucas! At least he speaks his mind.

      Nov 23, 2013 at 6:12 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • mrykgirl
      mrykgirl

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      Come shop with me:
      Lhernandez10343@marykay.com

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      - Lydia

      Dec 29, 2013 at 8:27 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·

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