“In December, I decided to abstain from sex for a year,” Tom Young writes in a new op-ed published by the Washington Post.
Let’s all give him a round of applause.
Young, an aspiring screenwriter from Los Angeles, continues: “It wasn’t in response to a bad one-night stand or any moral objection–sex was something I always kept lighthearted, fun and safe. But along the way, I found myself looking for more than just a physical connection.”
Related: Ex-Ex-Gay Says Celibacy Makes Him Feel Like Jesus, So You Should Try It, Too!
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Throughout his 20s, Young says, he has “enjoyed partnerships with a variety of men,” from guys he’s met at the gym to guy he’s run into at the bar, but ultimately those liaisons have all proved unfulfilling.
“I grew disappointed that the romance always ended in the bedroom,” he writes.
So he quit sex.
The decision was triggered after a recent trip to San Francisco. While he was there, Young met a guy at a bar who he really, really liked.
“I knew this guy was a real catch, and although we lived on opposite sides of the country, I wanted our fling to evolve into something lasting,” he writes. “On our first video chat together, I floated the idea of developing a relationship. Unfortunately, he declined, telling me he wanted to stay single and sexually available.”
A few months later, that same guy changed his relationship status on Facebook to “In a relationship.” Young was devastated. Then, after getting over the heartache, he had an epiphany.
Related: Rupert Everett Is “Over Sex”
“I finally realized that the hook-up culture I embraced had left me feeling unfulfilled,” he says. “Between the hot encounters and desperate debauchery, I chose fleeting gratification over anything else.”
As it just so happened, at around the same time Young made this realization the FDA announced it was lifting its ban on blood donations from gay men, provided they abstained from sex for 12 months.
“I saw it as a chance to reevaluate my choices for my body and my heart, all while contributing my O-negative blood to the greater good,” Young writes. “By refraining from sex for a year, I will have the opportunity to save a life and, hopefully, renew my own sense of well-being.”
It has now been three months since he vowed to deny his loins pleasure for an entire year.
“Discussing my vow of chastity makes for complicated pillow talk,” he explains. “I’ve had guys take off once I told them about it. But the next day I’m always thankful I avoided another one-time deal. Perhaps after these few months of detoxing, I’ll be able to find men who will take the time to get to know me.”
“I’m giving myself the chance to build a connection with someone outside of sex,” he concludes, “no matter how hard it may be.”
Related: Nine Ways To Avoid Sex For The Next Year So You Can Donate A Pint Of Blood
1EqualityUSA
He could run for mayor of London.
alterego1980
So typical of people now. they can’t ever wait and get through it and actually accomplish something before writing about it and making it all about them. Just get yourself an online porn subscription and call it a year. it’s probably not that tough. And newsflash, the new rules for a gay man to “truthfully” donate blood are still kind of homophobic.
trelin
This is rather inspiring. I’m curious to see how he does on this journey. Being a gay man in a progressive metropolitan area can prove difficult if you abstain from sex. I give him props and wish him the best. I hope he’s successful.
kevininbuffalo
Sounds like a wise move to me.
Brian
I can understand that many men would get turned off by the promiscuous, permissive nature of the gay scene. It really is a scene built for flings and fancy. Drugs, drinking, dancing, orgasms…that’s pretty much the size of it.
In 5 minutes, you’re off to the next thing that will give you a buzz.
onthemark
I’m very impressed that he waited three whole MONTHS to write about it!
Invert
@Brian: the reality of the gay scene has no resemblance to your mastrubatory fantasies.
GeoffreyBridgman
This is really pathetic, frankly. And he’s a bit of a turncoat. Have you ever tried to guess what kind of gay guy would get a story in the Washington Post? Surprise — he’s decided to be a Pilgrim! And if you didn’t notice, he lent credibility to the FDA’s ban on gay blood.
Glücklich
Celibacy’s easy *provided one has other priorities on which to focus*.
dwes09
@Brian: Just as this guy is amazingly self absorbed, so are you. Most gay people understand casual sex to be what it is and are smart enough to have no expectations beyond that. Most gay people understand the different ways men can relate, and can negotiate the move from casual sex or fuck buddies to friends or dating. But some gay men, especially a few that comment here cannot get a grip on these simple concepts and seem to live entirely in their heads.
Clearly this guy is one of those gay men, and was devastated by the myths he spun in his own mind, not by some intrinsic dysfunction of casual sex. It is incredibly difficult and incredibly rare to start a relationship long distance and just because one likes someone they have tricked with, and thinks they are all that does not mean the trick shares those feelings. Especially if they are on opposite coasts.
I have more than once had a year of celibacy, but it was for reasons I absolutely understood as personal, and had no delusions that there was some universal value to it. Promiscuity is not some soul killing thing, nor does it damage one’s self esteem. Leave those quasi-religious fictions to the straight folks! If it makes you feel cheap or unfulfilled, don’t do it or examine why you feel that way. But to extrapolate your problems as some universal truth is silly, and wrong.
Glücklich
@dwes09:
Brian knows no better. His textual diarrhea is like farting after eating broccoli: just something smelly one learns to live with.
Thumbs up to your post, by the way.
Kevin Wotipka
I hope he finds what he’s looking for.
Michael Paul
That’s great dear now I’m off to the bathhouse to celebrate your decision.
BigG
I’m doing the same thing. Getting older, a connection is better than empty sex. It’s not easy, but I’m happier.
Dave Downunder
I have to wonder if his celibacy is by choice rather than by popular demand.
Brian
Promiscuity increases your chances of catching STD’s. It also shows a lack of self-respect.
Men are promiscuous by nature. Being gay does not alter that fact. In fact, it worsens the promiscuity.
Glücklich
@Brian:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mBEHbYBOmBU
Dennis Sandoval
i was celibate for about 6 years once, all i got out of it was no sex and weight gain
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Stache
@BigG: Not sure why you say your sex life was empty. I always make a point of getting to know my partners. First off it’s great foreplay. I can’t get into it unless I get to know them. Secondly, it’s created allot of bonds. Some casual while others deeper.
I’ve made allot of mistakes too but I look at those as a learning experience.
Stache
@dwes09: Very well stated. Btw. I have a Brian filter. I just pass by his comment since I already know it’s crazyville talk.
Stache
@BigG: Btw. I don’t mean to put you down. I understand your point and can relate myself. Just not as extreme. You get older and different priorities. I agree thought. Change is good!
ingyaom
Boring. Give up masturbation for a year, and then I’ll be interested.
SashaVonAndris
I’ve been celibate 2 years and 4 months, and I’ve never felt better! Being a personal choice, I’ve never felt the need to divulge why I don’t have casual sex, as Gluklich assumed that it was because I was a religious nut.
Celibacy shouldn’t make others feel uncomfortable, or is it because someone you don’t know, whom you’ll never meet, is not having sex, something you want to have, which noone is saying you shouldn’t, the problem? Why should their decision be your issue? Aren’t we all too grown for saying no to someone saying no? Why does it matter to YOUR life? I’d be glad that there’s one less person passing VD and using their time to save a life, than celebrate someone getting laid, like it’s a Kim K nude pic.
Excessive sex is not a gay issue, it’s a man issue. As a man you’re expected to have sex “guilt free”, because you’re programmed to spread your seed. Hey, sue me for being human and trying to get in touch with myself, but why should it be your problem?
Stache
@SashaVonAndris: If you still masturbate you’re still having sex. You’re just having what they call solo sex.
For whatever reason you’re not ready for intimacy with another person and that’s fine but call it what it is.
DCguy
Actually it sounds like it was his celibacy that caused him to not be in a relationship.
Nahald
Does that include “self pleasure” ?
Horse Lips
I did this myself a few years ago, but for different reasons. It was nice as I was able to re-evaluate my relationship with sex. I left the length open-ended and actually went 2 full years without it (I’d been sexually active since I was 11). Starting back in again was actually really odd. I’m glad I did it tho. But I didn’t feel the need to blog about it to the world.
Cameron Rankine
And to think, if he added some estrogen producing foods like chocolate, oranges, mustard, and lima beans to his diet he can find his feminine self while he does it
Mykaels
I applaud him!
1EqualityUSA
It would have more meaning if he did this privately, without involving others. He’ll never achieve what he set out to now, as it has taken on a different impetus, political, etc.
GayEGO
Hey, this guy always has Mary Palms to take care of his sexual feelings.
AtticusBennett
i don’t particularly understand his dilemma, as the sex i have isn’t empty or meaningless, and i have sex with multiple lovers. i enjoy The Gay Handshake, i make connections of worth with my Hook-Ups that often, very often, develop into long term friendships, ongoing relationships and we end up having not just these wonderful friendships rooted in a truly deep love, respect and trust…but a mutual sharing of pleasure and sexuality together.
i mean, if he was incapable of doing that…which it seems he was, then good for him for stopping something that wasn’t working for him.
but it’s his stance, only. hook-up culture need not be empty and meaningless, and something that leaves you feeling bad about yourself.
do whatever you can to find yourself; by all means, try something new if what you’re doing hasn’t worked.
Invert
@AtticusBennett: yay, awesome post, Atticus.
Doughosier
I say get it while you can. Time will make all of us celibate so enjoy being young before it’s gone.
gaym50ish
All relationships, gay and straight, start out as a quest for sex. If it’s really a relationship he wants, he’ll never find it by turning away potential sexual partners.
This plays into the notion that there’s something noble about celibacy. That’s something our religious friends have tried to sell us — not something that reflects the real world.