Many of you homos know that West Hollywood can get pretty wild. That place can be more cruel than the Serengeti and Amazon combined!

No surprise, then, that the Discovery Channel sent Bear Grylls* into the gayborhood to see if one of the world's most famous "survivalists" can make it back east of La Cienega to hetero-civilization.

In addition to teaching viewers how to use their own piss as self-tanner and a knife to queerify their clothing, Grylls offers a slew of life-saving tidbits. For example:

If you find yourself inside a gay man, it may be too late, but treat it like quicksand. Don't struggle, go slowly an use your whole body to monkey crawl out of him.

And no West Hollywood survival guide would be complete without a look at semen's nutritional value: "Gay semen has 4 billion times the protein of one bite of steak." And we still can't gain weight!

In case you didn't realize, that's not really Bear Grylls. It's comedian Richard Keith, who posted this somewhat nauseating, entirely uproarious parody here.