Dying to be thin isn’t a punchline. Take it from 36-year old Minnesota resident Jeremy. The 36-year old literally is dying to be thin. And so are countless other men, as journo Kevin Hoffman explores in a captivating and lyrical piece for City Pages.
Hoffman writes:
Earlier this year, Harvard researchers released the results of the first major nationwide mental health survey to include eating disorders. It found that men accounted for 25 percent of anorexia and bulimia cases and a full 40 percent of binge eaters. “These disorders are less common in men, but maybe not quite as rare as we once thought,” says Dr. James I. Hudson, the study’s lead author.
Jeremy, who asked that his last name not be published, has been dabbling in starvation since even before puberty, sneaking laxatives and purging in secret. If this sounds like you, well, we suggest you find some help, because we don’t want to see any of you wasting away.
And, honestly, skin and bones simply aren’t in this season.
How about we take this to the next level?
Our newsletter is like a refreshing cocktail (or mocktail) of LGBTQ+ entertainment and pop culture, served up with a side of eye-candy.
Rt. Rev. Dr. RES
Jeremy, I will sincerely pray that you get help from a medical professional before it is too late.
Rowen
Yet morning goods is full of young, skinny, pretty people that everyone goes ga ga over. Why do you think guys get anorexia?
jeremy
Thanks Dr. Res-
I will be getting help.
Jeremy
Dawster
Rowen: Morning Goods hasn’t had anyone “skinny” in a while. Nick James and Roberto Bolle could use some more muscle mass i suppose… but that’s about it.
and not all of them have been that young. are you now anti-pretty people? are we not suppose to look at something and say “hey, that’s hot”?
building muscle, shaping the body, making yourself fit, and strong is hardly “skinny” or “thin”. anorexia causes the loss of muscle mass, the loss of strength, and the the overwhelming mentality that is so very hard to break free of (just like many other addictions – including the addiction to exercise).
it’s all about body image and with everyone bitching about everyone else, no-end stream of public criticism about skinny, fat, old, young… it’s NO WONDER people have doubts about their own body image.
i’m really glad jeremy is stepping forward and revealing this true reality. and good for you Jeremy for recognizing the problem and getting help (sooner, rather than later).
Rowen
I have no problem with people saying “oh, that’s hot.” However, I’m finding that a large chunk of gay men drool over the most boring looking of people, because they are pretty, or because they have a six pack. As for skinny, sure, these guys on morning goods haven’t been “skinny” but they HAVE been that lean, toned, 6 pack smooth look (often photoshopped) that seems to be the rage among the gays.
Anorexia is just one of many eating disorders and body dismorphic disorders affecting our community. Everyone is not “bitching” about everyone else. What drives me nuts is that we hold up the impossible as “hot” and then many expect everyone to be able to achieve that same level of “hotness.” How many gay guys out there count calories, spent too much time at the gym, etc, just to be able to call themselves fit, be a “jock”, say they take care of themselves, and then proceed to lambast those who enjoy a beer and a cheeseburger. And it isn’t about fat vs skinny. I’m not fat, but you can bet that I’m sick of being the “fat” guy in a gay community where anything over 6% body fat is morbidly obese.
The no-end stream of public criticism tends to come from those with a fucked up body image. Do I have a messed up body image? Probably. However, I respect Queerty and it’s authors, but see something wrong with a PSA on anorexia when we constantly indulge in unrealistic images that do nothing but add to the general body image problem.
Rt. Rev. Dr. RES
Jeremy – your reply is a sign from a prayer on whether or not I should blog here. You have answered that question, Deo gratias !!!
Keep us informed. I will and have already thanked God that you will see a physician. God bless, Bp. RES. We love you, brother.
Dawster
Rowen, it’s not a “gay” thing… it’s a human thing – actually, it’s an animal thing. millions of years of evolution has pre-wired the male AND female brains to become attracted to those with strong, healthy stature since in the wildernesses of Africa, THOSE were the genetics that would most likely survive. it’s something that kept the human species alive.
so you can’t come out and say “i don’t know why… etc” because it’s a basic genetic law of the jungle in furthering one’s survival. the young, strong, and adaptable will always survive over the old, weak, and stagnate. the dna we have today are actually FROM those who were young, strong, and adaptable.
Now, i agree, like the subject of promiscuity and violence, we as humans are at a point where we can move past our inherit nature and accept other forms of beauty (just like we learn to be monogamous and not kill each other all the time). this is totally necessary.
in the process of this shift, we stray away from actual health issues and focus on body image. instead of strength and exercise, we focus on “thin” and “skinny”. (we forget that one hour of exercise a day is equal to taking one Paxil). just because someone exercises, doesn’t make them healthy or able to be functionally strong – they may look good, but that is a deception. so now we know how those wanting to be skinny and those wanting to be buff get confused, and come into a flawed thinking of body image (very similar thought processes).
what bothers me with critique like yours is that some people (not me) were born naturally muscular. others cannot help but be skinny. yet they all get condemned and attacked for something they cannot help. some people cannot help but be bigger. they get condemned and attacked for the same reason. you attacking fit people is no different than some kid attacking a fat person.
there is a body image prejudiced which isn’t allowing individual people to be JUST THAT: Individual – able to comfortable in their own skin regardless of stature or genetics.
that’s why Jeremy’s story is very important.
Mr. B
Eh. I’d be willing to argue that there’s a difference between fit and impossible. What gets held up in the gay male community as hot is, more often than not, a body that’s sculpted to death (or has, like, 1% body fat), plucked to pieces, and shaved/waxed to prepubescence. I have no problem with a good-looking guy, but it’s when those standards get pushed to extremes (like I believe Rowen was hinting at)that it bothers me. And, really, I do not see gay male beauty standards pushing good health so much as they just push YOUTH. Come on, how many fortysomethings do you see who are desperately trying to still look eighteen? Buddy, you’d be a lot more handsome if you’d just put down the botox and the tight shirts and accept that you’re NOT eighteen.
That’s what I see as gross. It’s not about taking care of yourself, it’s about trying to look as underage as possible and refusing to grow up. And I have a hard time seeing those twinks and gym queens at the bars as “healthier” than me when half of them are snorting coke/doing meth so they can stay up all night barebacking. You know?
Rowen
First of all, having a prediliction towards “fit” is NOT hard wired into humans. Well, fit, maybe, but the currant standards of beauty are not genetically ingrained into the brain. People with low body fat percentages and high metabolisms don’t survive during famines, because they don’t store food well. Not to mention that for a LONG time in human history, having body fat meant that you were likely to have the money and the leisure to maintain that level of “excess.” What’s pissing me off is this insistance on having and developing unhealthy mentalities, and then when the issue is brought to the table, so many people refuse to see what’s in front of them, and instead, hide behind straw men of “human nature” rather then take a good long look at why they think (or don’t think) they way they do.
I have not attacked skinny or fit people. I, myself, would say that I fall into the category of fit. Further more, no one is really born naturally muscular. Sure, some, like me, have an easier time putting on muscles, but then again, some people have an easier time metabolising their food. No worries. Again, I have not made any comments about people being who they are. What I have a problem with is the way people, and I deal mostly with gay men, spend hours at the gym, refuse to engage their minds in a task outside reading the back of suppliments, spend hours counting calories (and god forbid, carbs), then proceed to hold everyone up to this horrific beauty standard. If it was only a few people, I’d feel sorry, and would hope that they get some help. However, it’s not just a few people. I see it almost everywhere in the gay community. Then, when I point it out, often times some pissy, drugged up gym queen or chelsea boy (I’m not saying you are either of those, nor is this an “attack” against you) starts trying to give me a history lesson. Thank you boys (again, not YOU), but I’ve probably studied the subject a lot more then you have. They don’t use big words in the local fag rags.
Lastly, and restating, the only people I’m attacking are the people who perpetuate this unhealthy attitude. I find the morning goods section on queerty to walk a close line, usually in the homogamy of the models. (“oh, but that guy’s LATINO. . .” Still looks like a slim pretty white boy with a tan.)
Rowen
Hrm. I meant that to read ” usually in the homogeny” rather then homogamy.
Allen
I met Jeremy a long time ago at a predominantly gay gym here in Minneapolis. I was this pudgy little gay boy w/ hair and I thought that he was just GORGEOUS! I mean … a walking Mens’ Fitness cover.
He was one of the guys that motivated me to work hard and keep focused on my lifting goals.
I eventually switched to a different gym and lost track of Jeremy and thought about him from time to time.
I saw this article in the City Pages and I was FLOORED! I had no clue about his eating disorder at all.
I really hope Jeremy gets better. He is a wonderful person. I hope he realizes this.
Alan down in Florida
There’s an old joke that says that most men aren’t attractive enough to have sex with so women are hardwired to value things like the ability to provide security and personality in choosing a mate.
And most women aren’t attractive enough to have sex with so men have been hardwired to think with their dicks.
Interesting as to how easily this joke works for lesbians and gay men as well.
jeremy
thanks guys for all of your support, but this story is not about me. It is about all of those boys who suffer from this awful disease in silence. And by boys, I mean girls, I mean boys…Well, you get the idea.
Dawster
rowen, you may not get it, but some of the things you say DO PERPETUATE the unhealthy attitude.
case and point: ATLANTA- a cute as fuck bartender, 23, great fit little body, gorgeous eyes. with his shirt off he’s naturally shaped, high metabolism, eats like crap, doesn’t work out but still has great arms, chest, and the hint of a 6 pack. with ACTUAL exercise and eating better, he can maintain that look for most of his life. that was his (and many people’s) body naturally.
but what actually happened? people like you, and others come in and constantly say “you’re too skinny” “why don’t you eat a sandwich” “i can’t believe how thin you are” etc. etc. etc.
so then the poor kid, doing nothing but EXISTING… has the exact opposite problem of Jeremy… he thinks he’s too skinny. so then he wanted to bulk up… massively and aggressively. and it didn’t go well. three of us had to talk him down off steroid use, for christ’s sake. how fucked up is that? i haven’t seen him in 3 years, but when i left, he was working out and pouring drinks… working out and pouring drinks… working out and pouring drinks….
it works both ways. insecurities about body image works in two directions. by putting people into one group or (Mr.B) by having a preconceived notion about why they are in that group, you can actually be perpetuating the very thing you stand against… and i don’t like to see that any more then i like to see larger people getting picked on.
Mr. B
Dawster, I’d like to think I am as against unfair stereotyping as you are. But I wasn’t just throwing every guy who’s prettier than me into some collective description. I know I was a bit harsh about the botox and the Peter Pan syndrome and all, but I stand my ground about the reality of the pervading unhealthiness of the gay male “party” lifestyle. There are just too, too many men out there who do everything in their power to be sexually desirable to each other, but it’s obvious that that’s the only reason because they’re also destroying themselves (with the drugs and more). It’s these ridiculous demands that end with situations like your bartender, where guys are so desperate to be attractive that they abuse themselves by OVERDOING it.
There’s some advisory list out there on ye olde interweb about special health concerns gay men should discuss with their doctors. Aside from the old stuff (HIV risk, smoking, excessive drinking, depression), they definitely mention anorexia and over-exercising.
All of this to say, it’s not me lumping people into one group (in fact, I fail to see where I did that at all, as I don’t believe I ever said ALL fit gay men do drugs and so forth). And I did mention steroids too, not just skinniness. (In fact, the steroids and excessive muscle craze seem to be MORE of a problem in these “straight-acting,” straight-fetishizing days than the undereating.)
My big beef is with how “mainstream” gay male standards for attractiveness really do seem rooted in that–superficiality–and how they can be very problematic.
Rowen
Dude, Dawster, have you even been reading my posts? I have nothing against people like your bartender friend of yours. I wouldn’t tell someone that they were too skinny. I DO have a problem with idolizing someone JUST because they are skinny, or have nice musculature. Yes, yes, we are all physical, but SO many people aren’t moving beyond the physical. And then we have these “manorexic” issues that pop up, but as a community, do we address the problem? No, we don’t. We try and brush it under the rug as “natural selection” and go about our daily lives, seriously fucking up the mental health of our friends, loved ones, and even total strangers.
Meagan
Jeremy,
You really are an attractive person and I am so drawn to your eyes. I know that you cannot possibly believe that, but it is true. You are so brave to put yourself out there like this. I hope that your story helps someone, if not yourself, make a positive change toward health.
jeremy
Thank you meagan. Now if I could just get a guy to see what you see….LOL
Meagan
Jeremy-
Yes, perhaps as a married straight woman, I am posting in an odd spot :P. Your story just touched me so deeply.
Listen to “Happiness is an Option” by Pet Shop Boys. I swear, no, promise- that particular song is intended for you.
If you don’t have it, buy it, or at the very least please read the lyrics.
Mike
Jeremy,
I think being extremly skinny is the hottest looking way to be. If this is your picture here I think you are absolutly gorgeous, however I do not want to see anyone kill themselves being this way. My thing is be as skinny as you can with out killing yourself. I hate the look of fat people or anyone who has the any kind of bulge. How tall are you. Under 100 is ok if you are shorter. I only wish we can be skin and bones and be healthy. I get depressed because I like to eat and can not get down that low. I hads a friend who was 6 feet and 101 adn thouoght he was the hottest looking guy I ever saw. You seem to be lighter than him. To me it looks so hot. I hope you get out of your depression and enjoy youor skinnyness in a healthy way.