Why do so many guys on Grindr behave like complete a-holes? That’s what one writer wants to know. And rightfully so.
“Like most gay men, my relationship with the app is a complex one,” Christopher T. Conner writes in a new op-ed titled Notes On The Meat Grindr. “I am caught between Grindr’s promise to connect me to other gay folks–yet disgusted by its ability to bring out the worst in us (myself included).”
Conner praises the app for its impact on the gay dating scene, revolutionizing how men meet and interact. But all that is not without a cost.
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“Grindr shapes us into the stereotypical gay ‘tribe’ (twink, bear, otter, etc.) of our choosing,” he says. “The result is often an exaggerated performance where we try to present ourselves as caricatures of ourselves (often in hyper-sexualized, extremely masculine ways).”
And what exactly is wrong with that?
Well, Conner says, not only is it disingenuous, but it tends to make people act like shallow, superficial douchebags who hold no accountability for their behavior.
“As Grindr reduces us to our profiles, the lack of rules where no one is held responsible for their actions of behaviors also promotes racist, ageist, and hyper-masculine behavior,” he says. “One need look no further than douchebagsofgrindr.com for examples.”
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But not just that. Conner believes the app is also starting to show a generational gap between its original adopters and new users in their late teens and early 20s. He recalls a recent conversation with a young man:
One 23-year-old male I recently spoke with had never been to a Pride festival, even though he was out to friends and family since age 18 and has an older gay brother. In his own words: ‘I had no idea Pride could be so much fun. I always thought going to gay bars was about getting black-out drunk and hooking up. I never thought about going out as being more than that. I also never thought about knowing gay folks outside of my hookups.’
Ultimately, Conner feels, Grindr “detours us from living fully empowered and open lives.”
“We need to put down out phones, go out, be social, meet new people and allow ourselves to experience the things in life which make it worth living,” he says.
What do you think? Does Grindr bring out the worst in people? And is the app totally killing our ability to interact with people in the real world? Share your opinions in the comment feed below…
Dave Downunder
People are not being their true selves on Grindr instead they are like a version of themselves. That’s why it is easy to overlook the inappropriate and dismissive way we treat people on these apps. It’s like it’s not really us saying it because we are not being our true self.
It’s the same being on the internet. People say things they would never say to somebody’s face. Just look at this site as an example. Some of the behaviour on here is appalling.
Masc Pride
“We need to put down out phones, go out, be social, meet new people and allow ourselves to experience the things in life which make it worth living,”
Yet he still uses Grindr. Why do so many guys that complain about Grindr continue to use the app? Must not be that bad. The problem isn’t the app. There are lots of not so nice people out there, that’s just life. For every one guy posted on that douchebagsofgrindr site, I bet you could find at least 20 whining rejection/outrage junkies who are dripping in their panties over the mere thought of any opportunity to preference-shame the guys that the love to hate.
drelocks15
Maybe because they are.
Stache
“douchebagsofgrindr.com” Yikes. We’ve all seen those stuck up their conceded butt profiles. At least it serves as a warning to stay away instead of the old fashioned way of finding out after the fact.
Paco
People find out very quickly that most don’t live up to the hype presented in their profiles. Especially where the highly subjective ‘masc’ thing is concerned. The whole behaving like a douche online, is the result of not having the risk that someone will bust your lip for not filtering what comes out of your mouth.
Douchebag profiles = emotional baggage.
surreal33
Low self esteem is rampant in the gay community therefore, if don’t have a foundation of self love it is easy to mistreat others. Disrespect, coldness, recklessness, comes from within and the way gay men treat each other online, in person, is a reflection of what is going inside yourself. As a gay man if you feel (due to cultural condition) you are not worth love, respect and happiness it resonates how you treat other gay men.
QJ201
And they wonder why they are still single. Seriously.
Mykaels
“Grindr shapes us into the stereotypical gay ‘tribe’ (twink, bear, otter, etc.) of our choosing,” he says. “The result is often an exaggerated performance where we try to present ourselves as caricatures of ourselves (often in hyper-sexualized, extremely masculine ways).”
No, we gays do that to ourselves. Always have and always will. Grindr is not separating us, it is accommodating our habit of separating. It is really time we stop blaming tech for “creating our faults” when in reality, tech exposes our faults.
NateOcean
I like the ones which claim that they are “out” in their profile. Except, of course, they aren’t “out” to their family, or friends, or classmates, or co-workers.
If you spend so much time online with fake profiles and fantasy personas you ultimately lose track that if the ultimate goal is to actually *meet* people in the real world, then your profile should accurately reflect who you are.
A few tips:
(1) Update those decade old profile pics!
(2) Check those age and weight numbers.
(3) Lengths are measured from the pubic bone, not the anus.
ctconner
I am the author of the original article, Chris Conner. I am a professor of sociology at Washburn University. I wrote this article based on some research I conducted last summer where I analyzed 300 profiles. The news article was the beginning of a more refined academic piece in which I lay out the racist, heteronormative, ageist, and problematic aspects of how the app is used. This piece is part of a larger project on what it means to be an LGBT+ person in an era of heightened visibility.
On a more personal level, I am really happy to see my research made it to one of the leading LGBT+ news outlets. Perhaps in the future, I could be contacted for an interview, and many of the outlets I work for allow for my materials to be reprinted in other news sites. Best Chris Conner, PhD. Washburn University