It bears repeating: Life isn’t meant to be lived in a closet. It’s dark, cramped and smells like moth balls.
Living in the closet can make for a horrible reality, and luckily more and more people are choosing to step out into the wonderful land of “out.”
But the pressure to suppress your true identity is increased tenfold if you’ve already made milestone life decisions based on a lie you tell yourself and others. For married men, especially ones with kids, coming out can seem like an impossible choice.
We wanted to hear what it’s like for married men in the closet, and Whisper was on hand to deliver these unfortunate stories:
How about we take this to the next level?
Our newsletter is like a refreshing cocktail (or mocktail) of LGBTQ+ entertainment and pop culture, served up with a side of eye-candy.
Giancarlo85
Some of those are ridiculous, but some others also contain VERY valid points. As a young person, I don’t know what it was like to live in a society that had a strong expectation of a man getting married to a woman and being pressured to raise a family. Especially the statement “I wish I grew in today’s society…”.
Sometimes we younger people do need to be grateful we are growing up in a society that is more accepting.
Ladbrook
I wonder which one of those posts was written by Bryan Fischer.
Saint Law
His boyf doesn’t know he has a wife and his wife doesn’t know he has a boyf?
He must be unemployed. That sounds exhausting.
Saint Law
There must be a lot of women whose sex life is a bit…unfulfilling.
dhmonarch89
want deep affection with a man- leave your wife/come out…..it’s awful of a person to treat/use women this way!
Trippy
@Ladbrook: Funny, but there’s a serious subtext to what you wrote. When the loons on the right (like Fischer, but also Carson, the NOM folks, etc) blab about “choice” and “sin,” I find myself thinking how many of them would want to marry a woman who “used to be” a lesbian, or how many of them would welcome an ex-gay man into their family as a son-in-law. Answer: zero. We need more of these types of confessions. And we need to make sure they are forwarded to all the haters who claim it’s a choice. Clearly, it’s not.
AtticusBennett
dear dads, your children will have a better father in you when you Come Out. dear husbands, your wife deserves a man in her life who actually loves her. accept that the news will hurt, but it will be in the best interest for HER – don’t keep dragging her down with your lie.
and, don’t pretend you’re not making it all about yourself: your kids deserve an honest parent. your spouse deserves a man who loves her and isn’t cheating on her. don’t pretend you’re all concerned about “them” – you’re concerned about how YOU will be seen. deal with that, dos something about it, and remember that MEN approach their problems from a place of honesty.
TrueWords
These are ALL made up…just more straight baiting…less about GAY LOVE and SELF-ACCEPTANCE…
AnitaMann
These men are pathetic cowards.
Desert Boy
It’s tragic to live an inauthentic life. This is ‘it’, guys. If you’re gay — live it and enjoy it. But, don’t waster precious time.
mmichael_24
I hate people like this… Leave your wives don’t waste their time when they can actually be with someone who loves and cares for them.
Giancarlo85
I get what you guys are saying and sometimes it is the case. But sometimes many were the product of their generation. And even from a time where being gay was considered a mental illness. I think yes, many of these guys need to fess up.
But there is one case I know about regarding one of my friends which was beyond ridiculous and pissed me off… and where you guys are absolutely right on. My friend is 27, and his EX-BOYFRIEND was 29 (this happened last year). Well his EX-BOYFRIEND got married to a female, and was still seeing my friend. My friend didn’t know about the marriage or anything… it was one huge lie. One day my friend found the guy and his wife walking in the mall… and yeah drama ensued. That ended in divorce for the cheater, who was left with no one in the end. And my friend told me his ex-boyfriend’s family wasn’t religious or anything from what he was told.
Horse Lips
This is what the republican party prefers for the gays rather than allowing marriage equality. Seems crazy to me.
jwtraveler
Queerty hasn’t heard the news in the past decade. They still haven’t caught on that “married” no longer means “wed to a member of the other sex”. It’s astounding that with the obsessive focus on same-sex marriage this century, gay men still have not absorbed the fact that a “married” man doesn’t necessarily have a wife.
jwtraveler
@AnitaMann: Younita Heart.@mmichael_24: And so do you.
dave lopes
Some of these men are bi-sexual and should not let the gay mob force them into one camp.
Some of these men are gay but want a heterosexual family lifestyle. If it works for them and the spouse, there is no problem.
Some of these men value what society and others think of them more than their own truth. It’s their life to live as they wish.
Cheating on a spouse/mate after making a vow is wrong regardles of the sexual preference.
DarkZephyr
@Giancarlo85: “Sometimes we younger people do need to be grateful we are growing up in a society that is more accepting.”
*Thunderous Applause*
@dave lopes: None of them said that they were bisexual and there is no “gay mob” trying to make them do a damned thing. Shame on you. Try not to sound like the Parker Molloy of the Bisexual community, please.
Giancarlo85
@DarkZephyr: Well I do refer to Western countries. I can say I do know what it is like to live in hostile conditions to a degree.
But hey even my country Colombia has made significant strides in accepting gay people. A country I remember being quite hostile to that. Hey, it’s so funny we even have CONSERVATIVE Presidents like Alvaro Uribe (former) and the current Juan Manuel Santos. If these are conservatives, how right wing are American conservatives? LOL.
http://www.queerty.com/columbian-president-juan-manuel-santos-comes-out-in-support-of-same-sex-marriage-20140523 – LOL I’ll cite this website! 🙂
And in Chile there also has been significant strides too… but that really was the result of several brutal hate crimes that shoke the entire nation to its core. Many in the nation changed their minds.
Giancarlo85
@Giancarlo85: *Funny we have conservative Presidents voicing their support of same sex marriage.
Shannon1981
I’m so glad I came out in high school. Despite the hell I went through to do it, nothing could make me live like the people from these posts.
mmichael_24
@jwtraveler: I honestly don’t know what you’re talking about. All of these post tell us that they are married and have a wife in some way. So what’s your point.
Maurice1939
It is very hard for people to understand that you can think you are straight, get married, have kids, but finally realize you are gay. You may even still love your wife, and you need to do what is best for your kids. It’s all very difficult and different for each man. It is also not always better when you come out. Sometimes it is worse than your former life.
jwtraveler
@mmichael_24: The point is that the way we talk about relationships hasn’t caught up with the law. We still use the word “married” to imply that someone is in a heterosexual relationship. When you read or hear the word “married” you understand that that means the man has a wife when the reality is that a “married” man may have a husband. Even gay men have not adapted linguistically to this new reality. Does that make it clearer to you?
Shannon1981
@Maurice1939: I admit that since I’ve known I was gay ever since anyone even told me what the word meant, that I couldn’t imagine entering into a hetero marriage and playing that game.
However, that being said- once the realization is made, no matter how hard it is, being truthful about it is better for everyone. I mean, how is it okay or better for the wife and kids if the dad is running around with men on the side? That makes no sense to me.
Also, the straight spouses deserve partners who can love them fully, rather than wasting their lives with someone who cheats incessantly and is in no way attracted to them.
NJjoe
Married men having sex with other men on the sly are selfish cowards. I don’t care what the situation is. I’ve always felt this way. You’re not being true to yourself, your wife and children. I’ve never had time for married-to-a-woman-gay-man. Sorry to those who disagree, it’s simply my honest feelings.
Tebn
If they feel sexual attraction to men, they are not straight (monosexual). Likewise, If they feel sexual attraction to women (this is evident in the fact that they have, or had, fully satisfying sexual relationships with women), they are not gay (monosexual).
Therefore, they are bisexual, but they now say they are only gay (monosexual) in order to justify their infidelities. They should be consistent with their decisions especially when these affect others. Now, they have wife and children. They chose that life freely; they should accept it and they must face the consequences of it.
Sorry, they should have thought about it BEFORE.
jason smeds
Some of these ‘tortured’ closet-cases are out-and-out cheaters. They would cheat with another woman as much as with another man. These types don’t deserve any of our sympathy.
The other thing you need to remember is that wives are very hostile to male homosexual attraction if it involves their husbands. These women fear the power that it brings to the man. Being open about his sexual feelings for men means that the husband can use the threat of physically turning to men to neutralize his wife’s ability to control his behavior.
It renders her powerless.
goofyjoemoore
Although I think many of these are just salicious and made up, some of them come from places of truth. What I don’t accept are men who think they are making the lives of their families better by staying in the closet. The pain you cause will be hard, but softer in the end if you come out and show your children what a true and honest life lived is like. By staying in the closet you’re denying your wife a true partner, and your children the role model of a honest man.
Daggerman
…this has got to be the oldest and most tiresome, repetitive crap in the world! How many men do YOU actually think are in the closet? Well, lets just say there’s a helluva a lot more than all the OUT gay people round the planet. For starters we have the ‘married in denial closet’…2nd. the butch, hard and manly pansy in the closet!…then there’s the typical football player who spends all his time spouting ‘hetero-stink-shit’ anthems! OK I could go on but I guess you’ve all got the message? Or have you? Some people just can’t see the wood through the trees, but most importantly, some don’t won’t to!!!
Giancarlo85
@jason smeds: Here you go again with that nonsense. Renders her powerless? Are you this much of a misogynist? What if the wife is having a lesbian affair does that render the man powerless? Your view on women, sexuality and gender roles is wrong and quite demented.
BJ McFrisky
Has everyone forgotten the B in LGBT? There do in fact exist individuals who are attracted to both sexes.
Queerty’s obsession with “straight” men saying/doing/thinking gay things is ridiculous and pointless.
Shannon1981
@BJ McFrisky: These men themselves identified as gay, though. It crossed my mind that some might be bi, but they say gay.
Giancarlo85
@BJ McFrisky: Where did any of these men identify as bi?
And what obsession?
Giancarlo85
@BJ McFrisky: Wait I get it… you’re kinda offended because if these men were to come out, many anti-gay republicans would come out as gay.
Cam
@BJ McFrisky:
And here is BJ right on schedule saying or doing anything to defend the closet.
mmichael_24
@jwtraveler: I do get what you’re saying. But I don’t get what that has to do with the topic. Because if you read all of the post you can see that all the men are married to women.
Hillers
@BJ McFrisky: The quotes above are all implied as being from men who identify as heterosexual and are married to women. If they were openly bisexual, they would not be expressing this sort of grief or anxiety over their same-sex attraction and the possibility of it being discovered by their wives.
Hope that helps.
Hillers
@Ladbrook: I was wondering the same about Michael Glatze.
BJ McFrisky
@Shannon1981: But let’s be real—men who identify as straight but have gay tendencies are in fact bisexual, regardless of how they “identify,” yes?
Giancarlo85
@BJ McFrisky: Thanks for stating the obvious. Who are you arguing with?
jason smeds
Giancarlo,
You don’t really understand the differences between men and women, do you? Men have sex because they like sex, women have sex because they like the rewards that come from sex. Of course, there are exceptions to the rule but they do not disprove the rule.
This is why a husband who expresses same-sex attraction is more likely to be rebuffed by his wife than if it were the wife expressing same-sex attraction.
Giancarlo85
@jason smeds: You already proved you know nothing about sexuality or gender. You spout off nonsense like the hermit you are. When was the last time you had any contact with any man? 30 years ago?
Your views are vile and tremendous bullshit.
Enron
I am preparing to leave Jamaica so I can come out. Not chancing it here. Like Bette Middler says ‘from a distance’
Alan down in Florida
Doesn’t anyone understand that self-identifying as heterosexual does not in fact mean you are not homosexual. It just means that the image you want to portray to the world is heterosexual and has nothing to do with sex acts.
dave lopes
@DarkZephyr: If some of them are having sex with both gender, that is bi-sexuality IN ACTION.
No one has to say it.
Saint Law
@jason smeds: STFU you decayed old virgin.
Saint Law
@dave lopes: If they are bisexual it’s clear they’ve already been forced in to one camp – and it isn’t by a ‘gay’ mob’.
If they are gay and their spouse is female then a heterosexual family lifestyle can only work for them at the sacrifice of intimacy and sexual fulfillment. No self respecting gay man or straight woman would consider that ‘working’ at all.
If they are suppressing their truth in order to live in accordance with the dictates of others then their life is not their own and they are not, by definition, living it as they would wish.
Other than that your post was perfect.
Shannon1981
@BJ McFrisky: I would never try to tell another person how to identify. If someone says they are gay, they are gay until they state otherwise. Also, have you forgotten that plenty of Kinsey 6 homosexuals have gotten into heterosexual marriages for the sake of families, jobs, religion, and all manner of other things perpetuated by society’s bigotry and heteronormative culture?
Listen, seriously, I am all for combatting bisexual erasure, but it isn’t your- or anyone’s- place to tell gay people that they are actually bi, no matter their situation. It is attitudes like that which create the divide between L/G and B.
jwtraveler
@Enron: Good luck! I hope you find a good home and the freedom you deserve to be yourself and enjoy all that gay life has to offer.
jwtraveler
@mmichael_24: No, you don’t get it. That’s my point.
tusgold
I was lucky I didnt come out to anyone until I was like 23. It was a girl she was my best friend. I evolved slowly and met two lesbians at a bar, one bartended and I got to know her well. She’d bounce back and forth about being a lesbian. I even slept with her gross brother. Some people dont get the chance to just evolve. Some are pushed into a slot. The GOP Senator who’s son came out andd now the GOP Senator is pro marriage equality. I hope soon the SCOTUS would just ban laws on marriage restrictions.
jason smeds
Giancarlo,
I don’t care what you say. I just put my pinky in the air and say “touche”.
It’s obvious that I’m on the bright side of the ledger and have cogent arguments which rattle the less bright.
Tebn
@BJ McFrisky:
In this case, the “B” wouldn’t be part of the Queer, or LGTB, Community. This “B” would be part of the Straight Community, because these people are heterogamous and they lead a heteronormative life; though, from time to time, they visit the Queer Community as tourist; But they really are neither native nor resident, they are only tourist.
Giancarlo85
@jason smeds: The sad part of this whole thing is you think you are being rational, when you’re not. You’re quite delusional. And cogent arguments? What cogent arguments? You just posted a bunch of “because I say so” arguments about gender and sexuality. You haven’t actually presented any real argument or evidence, and most of what you post is long debunked.
You really need to learn how to make an actual argument.
mmichael_24
@jwtraveler: Yeah exactly I don’t get why you’re talking about something that has nothing to do with the article.
Clark35
Yet again queerty is obsessing over deeply closeted gay men.
Robert1979
I guess I am one of the cads but here is my complicated story in 100 words or less.
I am now 48 a lawyer in a mid-size city in the south, married for just over 20 years with two children.
I have a best friend from college and law school who who was handsome but somebody I just felt like I needed to protect. In lived in a rural area so when we went home on weekends we shared rides, At school, we partied together and we were the friends guys always want.
I had done some mutual j.o. and sucking in the past and even though “John” I will call him was damn handsome I suspected he might be a virgin.
We graduated and moved to the same midsize city, I started dating a girl and sleeping with her and I was madly in love.
But I felt like I had missed my chance to sleep with my best friend that I cared a lot about. So I invited him over one night, we had too much to drink, included some movies with some bi scenes and I saw he was excited. I asked him how big his dick was and he said’ I am sure not as big as yours” and he popped it out as did I. We fell into bed and made love for two hours. For somebody who had never had gay sex John has a good lover.
We each got married 6 months later but have continued our affair for 20 years now. Our wives and kids are all friends, We have gone on joint trips and when our families are at the beach John and I are up making love. It is a love so deep I guess it has passed my wife’s. John’s wife is a bitch so there is nothing lost there.
I do love my wife but if we were caught I would not care as this is as natural and as loving as anything.