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  IN THE YEAR 2065

CA Woman Predicts Marriage Equality Will Lead To Polygamy, Atomic War, Hunger And Moon Colonies

La Jolla, California, resident Patricia Weber is very concerned about marriage—and also atom bombs and uppity Indians. So mad, in fact, that she penned an op-ed to the La Jolla Light that conjures up a chilling dystopian future in which all hell has broken loose and nobody takes marriage seriously anymore. Also, Native Americans run the country.

It’s 2065 and Chester, a Moon colonist, has returned to Earth to visit his grandson in California. But upon his arrival he’s dismayed to discover that plural marriage is the now the norm.

His grandson explains, “Remember back in the early century when several states changed the definition of marriage? They changed the law by legalizing marriage between two men or two women. Our two-century old definition of marriage was tossed aside. The precedent opened an easy way to further change the definition of marriage, to allow union between one man and two wives, then one woman and two husbands, and after that all hell broke loose! Nobody keeps track anymore.”

Noting his grandfather’s horrified look, Michael continues, “Why did you guys change things in the first place? Don’t you see what damage you did? You should have kept it the way it was!”

But it gets worse: Atomic bombs were dropped at some point and now there are food shortages—Americans just eat intravenously at breakfast and lunch. Why, gay people? Why do you hate dinner? Why did you drop all of your gay bombs on all the delicious dinner food?

That’s not the final indignity: Thanks to our American Indian president, white people live on reservations.

The tale ends with Chester fleeing back to the Moon, where presumably good old-fashioned values like monogamy, heterosexuality and white supremacy reign supreme.

By:           Benji Douglas
On:           Jun 28, 2012
Tagged: , , , ,

  • 24 Comments
    • Gigi
      Gigi

      Right. Because that’s just what happened to Canada when marriage equality became law of the land in 2005. NOT! Our economy is one of the strongest in the world, thanks in part no doubt to all of the GLBT tourists who come here to get married. They spend their money on: wedding planners, hotels, restaurants and bars event spaces, limos and cab, photographers, flower shops and bridal shops and tuxedo shops…you get the picture. I attended my first gay wedding shortly after the law came into affect. It was at city hall and there was a straight couple and their two witnesses waiting outside the chapel when we were leaving. They were all smiling and so excited. The look on their faces was priceless when they realized that there wasn’t a (female) bride in our party. :)

      Jun 28, 2012 at 8:52 am · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • 1equalityUSA
      1equalityUSA

      op ed, “opinion editorial” does not mean dips with delusions can string together absolute twaddle at the expense of others. What the Hell was the La Jolla Light thinking when they let this f–ktard near the keys? If this is the “Light” of La Jolla, their eyes are going to turn white, like newts in a cave.

      Jun 28, 2012 at 9:33 am · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • MJ (different from the other one)
      MJ (different from the other one)

      wow. incredibly stupid. but look on the bright side. If the American Indian President thing happens, I don’t have to worry because I’m not white. but overall this woman is incredibly stupid

      Jun 28, 2012 at 9:50 am · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Desdemona
      Desdemona

      Sure, we could keep it the way it is- where gay people are still treated like second class citizens; for that matter, why don’t we go back to how it used to be where black people were slaves, and women stayed indoors all day, didn’t work and didn’t vote. Then, this idiot Patricia Weber couldn’t have wrote this, and nobody would give a shit what she had to say- THAT is something I’m sure we can all support at least.

      Jun 28, 2012 at 9:52 am · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Daez
      Daez

      I for one am all for sending all the bigots to the moon. That is a great idea.

      As for this little “story,” I am so glad that people like this exist to show just how insane the right wing fringe really is. Maybe her and Sarah Palin could run for President/Vice-President together.

      Jun 28, 2012 at 9:56 am · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Steve
      Steve

      I’m pretty sure this woman MAY suffer from mild schizophrenia.

      Just taking a shot in the dark, though.

      Jun 28, 2012 at 10:57 am · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Mr. Z
      Mr. Z

      That’s actually a pretty funny letter. If only all our foes were this obviously demented; the really bad ones are the ones who know how to camouflage their crazy.

      Jun 28, 2012 at 11:49 am · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Marc
      Marc

      Considering my people were here before any of the white men, a native american president suits me just fine! What a stupid witch.

      Jun 28, 2012 at 12:15 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • B
      B

      I have some sympathy for the Chester character in the story. The lack of oxygen on the moon has obviously had a deleterious effect on his brain.

      Jun 28, 2012 at 1:36 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Zane
      Zane

      Best short story. Ever.

      Jun 28, 2012 at 1:45 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Bailey
      Bailey

      “Why did you drop all of your gay bombs on all the delicious dinner food?”

      Because darling, your souffle was overdone. Get over it.

      Jun 28, 2012 at 1:47 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Red Assault
      Red Assault

      I’m confused. She realizes that “reservations” aren’t like “internment camps,” right?

      That the people of the first nations are allowed to live anywhere that they want? And can like… Have jobs and stuff? And we don’t keep them there and starve them?

      Also, is she saying that if we don’t allow marriage equality that we can keep the native Americans in the internment camps she apparently thinks we have now?

      And if Michael is so upset about the “damage” that his grandfather did by allowing marriage equality, why did he go ahead and marry five women? I mean… did the native American president make him do it?

      Jun 28, 2012 at 1:59 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • hamoboy
      hamoboy

      Best short story ever! This woman makes Sarah Palin seem like a genius.

      Jun 28, 2012 at 2:26 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • lubbockgaymale
      lubbockgaymale

      Anti-marriage folks claim the weirdos will come out of the wood works if same sex marriage is allowed… seems to me they’re already running wild! And the op-ed just proves it.

      Jun 28, 2012 at 3:31 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Belize
      Belize

      Funny. I tried writing an “op-ed” similar to this and had half wits like Patricia Weber running the show. It wasn’t set on 2065, though. By then, the world would’ve already ended because of their stupidity.

      Jun 28, 2012 at 4:40 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Belize
      Belize

      @Red Assault: Your questions make it seem as though the person who wrote this has a brain. I think you have been misled. :)

      Jun 28, 2012 at 4:43 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Chuck
      Chuck

      Wait, she forgot about “KILLER BEES, KILLER BEES!”

      Jun 28, 2012 at 5:03 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • dvd-junkie
      dvd-junkie

      So, my comment is still awaiting moderation? Could someone at Queerty please clarify.

      Jun 28, 2012 at 5:40 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • dvd-junkie
      dvd-junkie

      One of the commentators on gawker.com wrote a great sequel to Weber’s story. You’re going to laugh your asses off:

      Chester Allman sighs, wheezing with melancholia, as he boards the next shuttle back to the moon. As the Republic of California reverse-embiggens beneath him, he briefly contemplates the noble Founding Uncles of The United State of Moon, those brave souls who, with little else but the vast majority of the world’s remaining resources and an endless army of carnivorous drone robots, had bravely displaced or killed a hundred million First Mooners, finally liberating the land promised by Second Jesus in the Great Revival of 2022. Who could have known that allowing unlimited money into politics and stripping voting rights from ever increasing liberal constituencies would lead to a permanent class of the super-rich, diffidently pulling the puppet strings of the world? The Founding Uncles, that’s who, and God bless them. And then the second great flood came pouring down the hills, and all of Second Jesus’s prophecies were fulfilled.

      One of Chester’s browns, who he had affectionately nicknamed “My Nigga,” approaches trembling. “Call for you, sir” he demurely murmurs. Chester gives him a friendly shock in the pain center anyway, and tells him to put it on the screen. It was Runs-With-Money, puppet dictator of the RoC.

      “Chester!” greets Runs-With-Money from behind his dark glasses. “When is the next shipment of atomic bombs coming in?”

      “Oh, should be sometime next week, Money” says Chester with a shrug. “You know how procurement is.” He dismisses the screen with a wave of his hand, and goes back to eating his goose blood cavier over fresh arugula salad. He and Money used to have so much fun, watching the protests on the big screen, choosing which hippies for the drones to eat. Now it was just “atomic bomb” this and “atomic bomb” that, hardly worth the sport. He thinks back to happier days, like the great Gay Hunt of ’46. Perhaps it had been too much to stone Micheal’s fathers to death, but he had been wild on ReJoo and hey, as God commands.

      “Never again,” he thinks to himself as the glittering towers of New New Washington come into view. “Never again will I go to visit those bastard children, barely even white, grovelling in their cement hovels like common browns.” As the shuttle lands on the roof of his private pleasure dome, he shudders with sexual relief. Home.

      Jun 28, 2012 at 5:41 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • dirty ole man
      dirty ole man

      @dvd-junkie: and I thought it was just me.Been waiting for a week to get cleared.

      Jun 28, 2012 at 8:05 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • emma
      emma

      Im guessing she reads/writes for WND

      Jun 28, 2012 at 8:08 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Daw
      Daw

      i am a Straight male Pagan and I support marriage Equality for everyone
      I live in Massachuetts the First state to legalize Gay marriage and i hope all 50 states will have Marriage equality

      There has been no Atomic Bombs going off no polygamy unless you count the Mormons in Utah no Hunger and no Moon Colonies

      Jun 28, 2012 at 9:50 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • G
      G

      I’d like some Moon colonies…

      Jun 28, 2012 at 11:27 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • wildseas
      wildseas

      I wonder what she is on?

      Jun 29, 2012 at 1:35 am · @ReplyReply to this comment ·

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