It was one thing for Patrick to catch Kevin using it in the riveting season finale of Looking this week, but in the forums of parenting resource MumsNet, a different sort of Grindr user was being outed.
And unlike Kevin, this loader of more guys chose to use a photo taken in the ‘ensuite bathroom’ he shares with his wife. She was understandably shaken to discover her tile countertop (not to mention her husband’s headless torso) on display for the neighborhood gays to tap on. That profile advertising his lust for ass didn’t help the situation.
User bonniescot123 wrote:
Hello. Hands shaking. Today I found my DH on Grindr.Without a doubt it is him. Posing in our ensuite bathroom. Confronted him. Says it is not him but refuses to let me see his phone. He is refusing to talk to me. Two children. 7 and 10. I am 43. Dont know what to do. Please some advice.
While Bonnie does seem to be in shock, it is initially unclear what made her download the app onto her phone in the first place. She says she “had doubts,” but that’s it.
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She later wrote:
I don’t know for a fact if he has done the deed but his profile message indicated he has and was actively looking for a nice ass. There have been signs over the years and he has always denied and made me feel paranoid. We continued to have a physical relationship. I do feel sad for him. For us both and the kids. He is being a complete dick but I still love him.
Sadly, her husband doesn’t seem to budge and do the right thing — open up to his wife and tell the truth for the first time in his life.
But even amid her anger, Bonnie understands what is at stake:
Thank you everyone for the advice. He has been living with this huge burden and I have no intention of destroying him or his reputation so long as he plays fair. I dont know if I can face a solicitor and have no savings to pay for one. I am going to take tomorrow off work as sick leave. Just cant face going in. Cant help wishing I was still in the dark but that is no way to live. Why could he not face up to his sexuality. He has checked out though and I deserve better.
h/t GailyGrind
Ron Parsons
Never ask a question that you don’t want to hear the answer to.
1EqualityUSA
Living authentically takes courage when a society still carries on out of fear and loathing. Religions, making hate-dollars off of our community, do not help.
Realitycheck
She is right she deserves better, and by the look of it she did not slash back with anti gay rhetoric, she actually still loves him, and how can she not after so many years together?
Sadly there is no happy ending here, nor for her or him.
Ronnie D Carney
Oh she knows. Though I hear/get the reason many guys are still closeted in these days and times; I don’t understand. He needs to be honest with himself and with his family. Don’t drag another person through your pain.
Scott Edwards
This real woman/wife is so much more mature than the fictitious little twit character on Looking
Angel Sepulveda
Hugo Arenas
M J Martinez Crogan
So much hate bigotry and intolerance just look at the Republican party
avesraggiana
@Realitycheck:Total JUDGEMENT call here: the husband, closeted gay or straight, is a bona fide narcissist. The fact that she’s even worried about his playing fair tells me that. And you’re right in the beginning, there is NO happy ending for her or him. The relationship must end.
The good news is if she has the strength to leave and the will to stay away, and the resolve to cut him out of her life completely, she will grow into a much happier person, and she will find the love she truly deserves.
Boricuaex
That’s a real shame, for everyone involved.
Brian Cessford
Urban legend ?
Realitycheck
@avesraggiana:
100% true, the only worry is her financial situation,
she doesn’t seem capable of sustaining herself,
or perhaps she is simply talking about her home
mortgage.
Another way would be to divorce him for infidelity and get alimony
for her and the kids.
Atrius
If only people weren’t shoved into closets…
Arcamenel
All my sympathy goes with the wife. Look if you want to be a closet-case by all means have at it but don’t drag others into your stuff. If he’s bisexual than he’s a cheating a-hole because obviously they don’t have an open marriage. Even if she had responded with anti-gay rhetoric I don’t think I’d blame her. These guys need to stop doing this. He isn’t some guy who just realized his true feeling, he’s on grindr looking for a nice ass.
Mew Chibi
Fake
Mykaels
At 43, it is possible societal/familial pressure forced his hand so to speak to live a lie, depending on where he lived. Thankfully these cases should be fewer and fewer.
My sympathies to the wife, but no shame to the husband. There is no happy ending, and we have only society to blame.
Donnie Terflinger
Who cares for Christ sake ! BORING QUERRTY !
tdh1980
@Mykaels: There’s no shame in being gay, but it certainly exists in being an infidel and dragging innocent people, especially young children, into one’s madness. Look, I grew up in a devout Christian family that holds fast to the belief that homosexuality is a sin, so I understand the inclination to hide in the closet. How and ever, one doesn’t HAVE to marry and have kids. Although a man may wrestle with his sexuality throughout his life, he doesn’t wake up one morning after years of matrimony and suddenly decide that he’s gay.
NoCagada
All these gay pick up and dating sites are being taken over by MARRIED MEN!
charlie_jackpot
@NoCagada: Halle-loo
Christopher Ortiz
If they still have sex that could mean he’s bi. Cheating is cheating. He has a wife and kids ahs should be ashamed of himself. Doesn’t matter if he was on Grindr or tinder or whatever.
Bob LaBlah
Well, as the saying goes” what he puts in my ass he sticks in your mouth”.
rand503
This emial should be sent to Ben Carson and phil robertson, both of whom have said gay men should just find a woman and marry her.,
darian
He’s probably a gay Christian send decided to marry a woman for traditional Christian values….. And forgot to tell his wife.
Frank Croix
No matter what, if you’re going to cheat than leave them first.
charlie_jackpot
Maybe he is just after some ass – maybe he just gets off on fucking a dude.
Play safe and have an open relationship
Paco
Equality would come more quickly if these closet cases would just man up and stop being p*ssies.
da90027
Ive told lots of gay men to stop sleeping with married men put yourself in the wifes place…bad karma in my book
Jason Updegraff
people act like cheating is a new thing…. these apps just make it easier! but if it wasn’t on grindr it would have been on FB or at a local bar… cheaters gonna cheat … i guess the shock comes when you realize how ugly the wallpaper in your bathroom is!
Chris Keller
Thanks for the looking spoilers 🙁
myloginname
Sad. I am sorry this has happened to her and her family. I hope she is able to forgive and find herself a husband that cherishes her for who she is (and that his is heterosexual also) Peace to you my sister!
Mike G
Asswipes like this guy give bisexuals a bad name. Unless he changes his tune quickly, I hope his wife is able to muster the resources to clean him out in a divorce court. As things stand, he deserves no sympathy.
@tdh1980: Even if he somehow managed to arrive at 43 in such an unaware state, he certainly didn’t wake up one morning knowing how snap torso selfies and load them onto a Grinder profile with the tagline “looking for nice ass”!
blasted
@avesraggiana: Or Bisexual, thanks for living in the binary… jesus!
It doesn’t have to be a situation where either of them have to leave, or their home structure has to be destroyed at all. Clearly some people here aren’t familiar with Poly Marriages. I have personally known many bisexual men open with their wives and have happy sexual relationship and want to stay with their partners whom they still have sex with, and their children are happy and well adjusted.
What needs to happen here is he needs to open up to her and they need to work it all out, no secrets or lies, open communication and honesty. Once they do that, IF they can come to some sort of agreement or work through the past deeds they can build a newer, better, more open relationship with each other as true partners. It’s clear there is still love there on both sides. The situation is just complex, and with the children even more so. The man on grindr is certainty dealing societal pressure, he may be scare as well, but he also need to know he is wrong, and that doesn’t discount him from getting the support he needs from his loving wife, family and friends. She needs support as well, and he needs to be there for her in order for it to work.
It’s not as simple as stay or go. There are way more lives involved than just the two of them.
Michael Davis
Bernard Perry
Lol
loren_1955
Always fun to see the comments from those on the sidelines and in the armchairs that have no clue certainly about other cultures and lives. They sit there and through their rose colored glasses make judgments on others.
Myself, raised a Mormon. Despite my knowing I liked men, the Mormon culture does not give alternatives, at least years ago. To be considered a good son and faithful member one is to marry. So I walked down that path. Days before the marriage I went to the local bishop and said I had a problem…I was to be married in a few days yet realized I am attracted to men. He said to go ahead and get married, keep the commandments and the feelings would go away AND never tell my wife that I had these feelings. Being a good faithful Mormon member I followed the counsel of my leader and married, realistically creating a relationship based on lies and fraud. Within the week I realized I had made a mistake, bad one, thinking to get the marriage annulled. Weeks later she was pregnant. That set the course for a 27 year marriage with four children. I came out to her 10 years into the marriage, worst decision I ever made. In the end we were both to tired to keep the relationship going, when the last child moved out we divorced. Now I am a whole integrated and complete gay man and she has remarried to a man that is better able to meet her needs.
Guys, life is not so simple as is suggested to just be genuine with integrity. Been there and made the best of it I could. Myself, I have compassion for those who are in similar circumstances. Life is not just make a decision to be out and life is good.
USA-Travler
I am 62 now soon 63. I have been there. Was married for 17 years till the wife finally needed love she couldn’t get and we divorced. We have a 23 yr daughter who is herself married. Ex has remarried. The ex is still my best friend as is her husband. We do a lot of things together and share the joys of a big family.
When & where I grew up (southern Virginia), being Gay was akin to being a murderer. It is still a very conservative and religious place. I really couldn’t accept myself as being a Gay man in such a society. My own acceptance had to come after being outed by a Gay bf. I know now that we could have stayed married, but is that the happiest for all? I don’t know. I think it is different in each case. The real issue is that society FORCES us to conform. I am envious of younger men who are not forced to and will not conform. Go brothers, GO!
Sweet Boy
Grindr is for twinks…at his age he should have been on Scruff or DaddyHunt
Dan Steele
First of all, he’s gotta damn good body. Any man in his 40s that looks that good must be gay 🙂 that woman clearly doesn’t understand how we work lol
tdh1980
@loren_1955: @USA-Travler: While I agree that many of us face several familial and cultural pressures to live lives of heteronormativity, to accept such an existence is very much still a choice. Not a single person follows us around putting guns to heads to accomplish that. What keeps us from living the lives that are most authentic to ourselves is not a lack of options but fear of loss. “Mommy and daddy won’t love me. My siblings will stop speaking to me. I’ll be shunned by my friends.” Though queer people in this country still have an uphill climb before us with respect to acceptance, active persecution isn’t a factor keeping most of us closeted.
USA-Travler
I didn’t post this earlier, but I chose NOT to play while I was married. I did resent not being free to do so however. I still will not knowingly play with a “committed or married” person. Many years ago I went home with a man who turned his wife’s picture down on the table beside the bed and took a phone call from her while I was blowing him! I decided then that it would not happen again.
Eric Grich
It’s happening all the time. I see 4-5 guys a day on Grindr who are married and on the DL. It’s messed up. I always call them on their shit and they block me. Lol. Poor wives I feel for them !!!!
McShane
That must have been terrifying knowing that another user was so close, when you already had suspicions. I would not have been as calm bout any of this. I probably would have ripped this guys arm off to get the phone.
@Bob LaBlah:
Gross.
Saint Law
It sounds as if she is being a lot more understanding than he deserves.
Craig Marker
LOL
Wilji
@loren_1955: Well said.
Bob LaBlah
@McShane: “Gross.”
A few years back I was in the Hangar (West Village) and overheard an argument between two queens over a piece of “trade” and to this day still laugh when I think about it.
Pepe Llinaz
Emma Von Clise Craig G Mo
Rob Williams
I hope this was her reaction: https://youtu.be/UTvkJAMfabw
IanSlick SlickIan
The gay gene does not fall far from the tree!
jason smeds
She should simply accept that men are horny and will have sex with anything that moves. Then, she should make it clear to him that, despite this, he needs to be faithful to her. If he isn’t faithful to her then she should show him the door.
Just because you have desires for sex with people other than your spouse, it doesn’t give you the right to do so.
Will L
@avesraggiana: I agree more with Realitycheck. If he makes good money, he should support her well for the remainder of her days. She’s 43 and has two kids. If she were 23, I’d say “dump him.” If she’s satisfied with no sex, she may want to renegotiate the marriage. He should not be allowed to hook up. And she needs a larger household allowance and start saving it up. If he wants a “beard”, he’s going to pay for it. Then renegotiate the marriage again when the kids are out of school. Raising two kids and running a household by yourself would not be easy on her or the kids.
Domingos Ruiz Lepores
At least you don’t have a wife, Benoit
Kyle O'Flaherty
Sad
Carl McClanahan
these stories are fake
Realitycheck
@Atrius:
If one chooses to be in the closet, that one is responsible for all of the
consequences of his choices and actions,
you got kids and a wife, you don’t go advertising man meat on Grindr.
Obviously she (the wife) was already suspicious, hence the Grindr…
Realitycheck
@loren_1955:
Loren, I understand how hard your life and choice must have been,
but you were not the only one in a hard spot, so to speak, and more
important you had choices, we all have choices, you could have left
and never look back.
You choose to stay, for what ever reason, and remember we all had
to do a similar choice, so no medal……..
footwork61
While my sympathies are very much with the wife, let’s not mitigate the head case that growing up in a repressive environment can make a gay guy.
Men don’t stay closeted because it’s so much fun. They do it because they think it’s the only viable choice. It’s a life of hypervigilance and anxiety with occasional acting out.
I never married but I did try to convince myself and everyone around me that I was straight. As a child and later a teenager I was told repeatedly that being gay is basically forbidden and that it’s a phase that some kids go through, I just needed to push through and try to live a “normal” [heterosexual] life.
I remember having a gay experience or two in college and thinking, “That was great and the memory of it can last for a decade or two. I can go back to being the person everyone is expecting me to be.” I thought I could avoid bringing immeasurable shame to myself, my family, my church community and my friends by repressing my true self.
It obviously did not work. By the time I was 30 I was miserable and pretty much antisocial. I had a good female friend. We were never physically intimate, but she convinced herself that we were dating and I apparently played along. I thought that after a couple years she would realize that it wasn’t going anywhere and we were just friends. I even referred to her as my adopted sister, since that’s the way I thought I was treating her.
When I finally came out she was devastated. She had apparently been doing her own mind games. I couldn’t believe that she never even suspected. Hell, I belonged to three choirs, played the organ, used electric plate warming blankets on Sundays to preheat my mother’s good china, and owned every Miss Manners book on the market (including her novel “Gilbert”). I thought I might as well have had a rainbow tattoo on my forehead.
Perhaps this man’s wife, like my friend was partially deceiving herself too. Although since they have children together, he was obviously an active participant in that deception.
dubstepskater
This guy is a joke. He ain’t even that attractive… We have a name for guys like him in the gay world… BUSTED ASS TROLLS! If I was his wife, I’d tell him either to fess up or get out. If he wants to be a closet case, that’s fine but his wife deserves to know who she is married to. I hate closet cases… Be proud of who you are! And to think, this guy trolls Grindr for guys that he’ll never get…
Clark35
@Mike G: Exactly. I know a woman who while she and her husband got separated and she found out he was gay and closeted, and cheating on her-as they’d stopped having sex decades ago and stayed married for their kids, and she took him to the cleaners in divorce court.
Lex Michael
Lol riveting
Scott Deer
In any relationship. You owe it to the other person to be honest and committed unless there are arrangements. In my view, he’s a no good cheat.
ripzippysf
Unfortunately our society puts pressure on people that force them to make decisions they feel are “the right thing to do” at the time. This includes getting married and having a family when they are gay. Many feel that this will cause the gay feelings to go away. Not that they are entering this with an intention to cheat or hurt anyone in the process. And most do truly love their wife and children but, the core desire never goes away. It will grow stronger and tear them apart until it comes to the surface. Sadly, this leaves everyone hurt. But, it is possible to be honest and come to a resolution. And by honest, I mean putting your heart out on the table with every feeling from beginning to end so everyone truly understands. Some may not and may never but, their spouse who has loved them and, still does, can usually be the support and love they need while coming to terms with reality. And just as she said, there have been times that she felt he could be gay. She too has to put her heart out and accept that she knew or, felt this reality and also must come clean. Pretending it will go away or ignoring it only extends the pain. It is love and caring that will build both their futures. It will be a hard road but, it is possible to live in acceptance and understand no one did anything with the intention to hurt the other.
Chris
While I agree that there are lots of social issues at play here, let’s think about the one-on-one: he’s a lying cheat. DTMFA
Alex Goodman
Matt Moniz
cvdixon29
I lived a lie for almost 19 years, I finally couldn’t do it anymore and I came out, she had suspected it. However, I never cheated while married and never intended too, Yes I had urges, but i just fought it off. Now I am out and glad to have the burden off my shoulders and not living a lie anymore. I hope her husband will be a man and come out and be who he is. I just hope he hasn’t exposed her to any STD’S!
Nicky Roth
The ultimate shade if it all!
NJjoe
And this is shocking why? There are so many married men on Grindr. Like so many years ago, before the intenet, you’d thought a bus load of married men had just pulled up in front of a bookstore or a rest stop.
@cvdixon29:
Any man who comes to terms with his true sexuality, such as yourself, is a true man. Congrats to you for your courage to live your life of your truth.
Pajarraco
@blasted: I have to agree with blasted here. To the critics that say there is ‘no happy ending to be had here’. Says who? Society?? Bahhh…we make our OWN happy endings. I have no doubt there is love between them…still. So what, her husband is bisexual. Big whoop. AT LEAST, he is still with her, honoring his marriage vows and honoring her by keeping his word. Okay, he strayed a bit, oopss, he made a ‘faux pas’ – he posted to Grindr. The door is now truly open for this couple to communicate. Not abandon what they have both willingly built together. Yeah, some of the foundation’s bricks are starting to crumble, but that doesn’t mean you have to tear the building down. Get to work, you two, and do some fixing on ‘your house’. Don’t let society dictate to you that you have to be another statistic in the annals of failure.
corktownboy
Are the editors asleep here? If she “opens grindr and finds husband’s headless torso in their bathroom”, it sounds like she found his body in the bathroom. She “opened grindr and found there a picture of her husband’s torso which he photographed in their bathroom” is much better.
Steven Publicover
That could have been any hot torso in her bathroom.
Robby Robinson
Grindr so 5 years ago…for queens who have nothing to offer anyone except a quick piece of azz….
Roberson Randy
Oh no!
Andres Burrows-Garibay
Ian Sharp
Joe Martella
Good for her. That is no way to live.