Next‘s Got A Great Sense of Humor, Too Much Time On Hands

Those kids over at Next Magazine have great senses of humor. You may recall our totally conjectured post yesterday in which we passed along some gossip concerning editor Gregory T. Angelo‘s unceremonious sacking – a sacking one source said would be presented as an amicable split. Another source confirmed the existence of said press release, but would say no more.

Well, today we received what Nexters claim to be the release. It’s possibly one of the funniest things we’ve ever read. So says Associate Publisher Jeff Woodward:

The important thing is that Gregory T. Angelo’s reign of terror is officially over… It’s going to be difficult to pick up the pieces, though. But if my years in publishing taught me one thing, it’s that in the aftermath of Gregory T. Angelo’s historically epic failure, Next Magazine needed the best Editor money could buy. Unfortunately our budgets don’t allow for that kind of spending, so we got the best Editor we could afford. I’m proud to announce that Justin Ocean will be assuming the responsibilities as Editor of Next Magazine starting Monday, January 29.

Very clever. But, wait, it gets better…

The kids are so sharp-witted, they go on to reference an eerily familiar, media obsessed, “once-promising” New York writer:

“The consequences of Mr. Angelo’s cataclysmic attempt at running a gay listings publication rag go beyond the damage he did at Next Magazine,” said blogger Ken Solby, whose once-promising writing career has sufficiently stalled to a point where he actually cares about the office drama at a weekly gay bar rag.”

Then, at the very bottom of the love note, they include this disclaimer:

How about we take this to the next level?

Our newsletter is like a refreshing cocktail (or mocktail) of LGBTQ+ entertainment and pop culture, served up with a side of eye-candy.

Daily

Weekly

Promotions and Partner Emails

This document includes certain forward-looking and backward-looking statements within the meaning of the Private Parts Litigation Reform Act of 1969, including statements regarding Next Magazine’s ability to improve its services, create new business models and disrobe businessmen new to the world of modeling. These statements are not based on any actual statements to begin with. Like all of gay nightlife, Next Magazine is subject to uncertainty and changes in circumstances (see also: Avalon). Actual results or the truth as it actually happened may vary materially from those expressed or implied by the statements herein or imagined by bloggers with way too much time on their hands if they’re wasting their time and the time of their readers posting about some dude replacing some other dude at some escort guide. Next Magazine is under no obligation to, and expressly disclaims any such obligation to, read such drivel. We’re too busy getting laid.

And people say we’re catty bitches? (Although, it’s true – it’s been decades since we last did the nasty.)

Regardless, this shit’s fucking hilarious. We called associate publisher Jeff Woodward to congratulate him on making us laugh out loud, but he apparently “wasn’t interested” in taking our call. Kind of rude, no?

Here’s the entire “release”:
NEXT MAGAZINE (“The Hippest Gay Guide to New York,” NASDAQ: NXMDF) announced the resignation of long-time Editor-in-Chief Gregory T. Angelo Thursday. A Boston College alumnus with over 12 years of experience in publishing, Mr. Angelo initially came to NEXT MAGAZINE as the publication’s Music Editor in November of 2004 and ascended to the title of Editor in January of 2005.

“At last, our two year nightmare is over,” said NEXT MAGAZINE Associate Publisher Jeff Woodward, citing Mr. Angelo’s long absences from the office, iffy editorial direction and the general, all-around suckiness of Mr. Angelo’s personality as the impetus behind his decision to force Mr. Angelo out.

“When did I become Editor of NEXT MAGAZINE?” Mr. Angelo remarked of his departure. “Oh, shit,” he continued, “this isn’t going to look good on my résumé at all.”

“We took a chance in naming Mr. Angelo NEXT MAGAZINE’s Editor in 2005,” Woodward said. “Unfortunately, what resulted was an unmitigated disaster the likes of which the gay publishing world has never seen before.”

“The consequences of Mr. Angelo’s cataclysmic attempt at running a gay listings publication rag go beyond the damage he did at NEXT MAGAZINE,” said blogger Ken Solby, whose once-promising writing career has sufficiently stalled to a point where he actually cares about the office drama at a weekly gay bar rag. Though impossible to substantiate, Solby was convinced that the recent acquisition of legendary gay guide InNewsweekly in Boston by a bargain, old-world New York publisher was the direct result of Mr. Angelo’s unbelievably inept mishandling of his editorial duties at NEXT MAGAZINE.

“The important thing is that Gregory T. Angelo’s reign of terror is officially over,” Woodward said. “It’s going to be difficult to pick up the pieces, though. But if my years in publishing taught me one thing, it’s that in the aftermath of Gregory T. Angelo’s historically epic failure, NEXT MAGAZINE needed the best Editor money could buy. Unfortunately our budgets don’t allow for that kind of spending, so we got the best Editor we could afford. I’m proud to announce that Justin Ocean will be assuming the responsibilities as Editor of NEXT MAGAZINE starting Monday, January 29.”