PRIMARY SEASON

Now For What Really Matters: Which Republican Candidate Has The Sexiest Son?

In case you were in danger of forgetting how undecided voters make their decision during this very emotional Republican primary season, refer back to the September 2004 Zogby/Williams Identity poll, in which 57 percent said they’d rather have a beer with George W. Bush than John Kerry.

How can you say you’d want to have a beer with a man when he doesn’t even drink alcohol? You’re going to have an O’Doul’s with him? Oh boy!

Perhaps a better way to determine who’s a worthier candidate is just to see who has the hottest son. Considering that we  already care if our president is a certain height and that his body is in a certain shape, shouldn’t it matter if he’s got the sexy gene as well?

In honor of the New Hampshire primary today, we took a look at the sons of the Republican presidential nominees and gauged their hotness. It’s not a complete list—some scions are under age; others, like Herman Cain’s son, Vincent, have remained too deep in the shadows for us to find a decent photo. And poor Newt Gingrich only has two daughters (from the first wife he cheated on), so he can’t be considered a contender in this little beauty contest. But the prolific loins of Santorum, Paul, Perry, Romney and even Huntsman (whose son, Will, is in the photo above) have produced some serious studs.

We might not be able to stop these men as they bash us all the way to November but by objectifying them and their progeny, we can take a little air out of their balloons.

Click through for a slideshow of some of the GOP nominees’ sons that a less respectful writer might refer to as, ahem, “extremely bangable.”

Image via Jon Huntsman

Even though she’s now out of the race, Michele Bachmann has some spawn that rate seriously high on the be-my-babydaddy meter. Of her five biological kids, two—Lucas and Harrison—are male: Lucas is 28, but I couldn’t find Harrison’s age despite every creepy way I tried to stalk him online. But since he just wrapped up a two-year stint with Teach for America, it’s safe to say that he’s legal.

Michele and Marcus may have some of the ugliest opinions held by any of the candidate couples, but they still squeezed out some fine pieces of meat. You could pray my gay away as hard as you want but there’s no way I’d say no to sampling that delectable Manwich.

Shame on you, fickle Iowans—thanks a lot for taking some of the tastier eye candy off the campaign trail!

You can hear Lucas in this CNN interview,  and Harrison in this round table (at the 1:22 mark). No word on whether either need dad’s “cure.”

Image via CNN

Jon Huntsman and his smokin’ hot wife, Mary Kaye, have cooked up a family that is hotter than a seven piece from KFC. I can’t say it’s really surprising since Mrs. Huntsman and her hubby would totally be homecoming king and queen if this primary were more like high school and less like… okay, so primaries do mirror the dramatic politics of high school.

Though Huntsman usually brings his three pretty daughters—Liddy, Abby, and Mary Anne—on the road with him, it’s really Jon III, 20, and Will, 18, who are the secret weapons here. Doesn’t the younger Jon (right) look like a Kennedy? Hubba hubba! And doesn’t Will look sort of like a hybrid of gay porn stars Brandon Bangs and Riley Price?  I swear I’m not saying that because I just watched them in To F**k a Predator this morning.

Images via Jon Huntsman

Like Huntsman, Rick Santorum also has seven kids, though four of Santorum’s are boys. But since Patrick is only 10, Peter is only 12, and Daniel is only 16, we can really only look at Rick Jr, who’s 18.

Looking at the family photo above, I’m assuming Rick Jr. is the one who is…

You know what? let’s just leave Rick Jr. alone. I don’t usually have anything nice to say when it relates to the vehemently anti-gay Santorum, but it would be unfair to call out his  kids for being less than supermodel status, especially since they’ve probably been forcefully indoctrinated to hate my gay guts as much as their old man does.

Looking at his dad, though—and doesn’t Papa Santorum look like a slightly more handsome and tanner version of Pee Wee Herman?—that double thumbs up he’s giving in this shot really calls attention to his big, meaty paws. Will you get a load of those manly mitts?

And speaking of Mitt…

Image via Rick Santorum for President

The Romneys! Now here’s a pretty well-rounded survey of handsomeness.
Like a majority of Republicans, I tried to ignore Mitt Romney for most of the primary season. Then I had a dream one night that he was driving this tractor mower around my lawn while flashing me that high-wattage smile of his. I woke up and spent the better part of the morning Googling “Mitt Romney, underwear,” “Mitt Romney, naughty,” and “Mitt Romney, topless.”
Since then I’ve started to see him through a new, sexier filter, more like a friend’s dad in high school: You’d do it because it was familiar and safe, but he wasn’t your first choice. Now, Mitt and Ann have five boys—brunets Taggart, 31, Matt, 30, Josh, 36, and Craig 30; and blond Ben, 33. I don’t even need to pay attention to any of the rumors I’ve heard about how hot sex with a Mormon is to appreciate the appeal of these fellows. At least two are immediate panty-droppers, the other two I’d like to see naked first, and the fifth is sort of a “save for a rainy day” fantasy. Still, that’s an admirable showing from the Romney clan.
Sadly, Mitt’s boys are making fewer cameos on the campaign trail than they did the last time he ran for president. I’m a far cry from a political consultant, but maybe that’s why ol’ Mittsy only eked out ahead in Iowa?
You’ve got a fine pack of legitimately lickable pups, Papa Romney. Put them to good use and don’t deny us!
Image via LA Progressive

And here’s Rick Perry‘s,  27-year-old son, Griffin. Not really my cup of tea, but if you’re into that…

Image via The Shark Tank

Ron Paul has three sons—Rand, Robert Paul and Ron Jr. Since only Rand and Robert Paul have joined Dad on the campaign trail, I don’t have a photo of Ronnie to share. But what we see here? Well, it’s not really anything to cast one’s vote for. Judging by the way Papa Paul looks, I don’t think they’re really going to blossom into their looks. It’s not like they make my eyes hurt or anything, it’s just I can’t think of anything I’d be game for doing with either. Maybe a closed mouth kiss along with a little second base action. But that’s about it.

Images from Congressman Ron Paul, Rand Paul and OKC Ron Paul Rally

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