Did I really just stop jerking off to lesbian wrestling for this? Ugh. Alright… so this week marks episode number whatever of She-cat Gutter Heat (aka The A-List: New York – “a show for families”). If you haven’t been watching, Lord please don’t start now. But if you simply must, here’s a quick recap:
Austin and Reichen wanna frug, but Reichen’s boyfriend Rodiney and everyone else are like “Nuh-uh, gurl.” That’s literally all that’s happened over the entirety of this miserable little manshow. Tonight NYC party promoter Robert Maril (aka DJ Executive Realness of 21st Century Life) joins Queerty for the live-blogging badness.
And for the two of you who read this live-blog for “cultural critique” (ha), you may have heard that America’s favorite powerbottom A-Lister Riechen recently defended his show’s two-dimensional depiction of gays by saying, “If you think we’re a bad representation of the gay community… the way these seven guys, including myself, act on the show are an accurate representation of the way a lot of gay people act.” Which raises the aesthetic question: Does The A-List merely reflect the reality of queens who drunkenly attack each other or does the show actively create such self-involved turdburglars who now aspire to new lows of reality TV whoredom?
See? We took philosophy of art too, bizznitches. But enough foreplay… onto the butt-munchery!
9:02 PM CST - The gays decide to have a tete-a-tete in their natural habitat: a hair salon. Mike is such good friends with Ryan that he’s never even been to his dumb salon. But Mike needs Ryan to cut that wet mop on his head. It looks like a wet cat and sea kelp mated and had a love baby on the run. Seriously, gurl… what up with that ‘do?
Reichen complains that his boyfriend Rodiney unfairly stole his phone and totally made a big deal out of a tiny flirty text to another man. Bright TJ, Ryan’s assistant twink asks, “Does Rodiney not understand? I mean, English IS his second language.” Um, yeah because a text message saying, “I loved sucking you” is so ambiguous. We’re pretty sure that phrase translates effortlessly into Portuguese… at least we hope it does because we’re planning a trip to Brazil.
9:06 PM CST - Poor dumb Reichen is waiting for Rodiney to text him back so they can discuss their post break-up living arrangements (because that wicker laundry hamper and hanging lantern from World Market are totally worth fighting over). But Rodiney is busy having a par-tay in Miami and getting comforted by a girl who has bat wings for eye-lashes. Hell, if we knew that underwear-modeling Rodiney needed female comfort, we woulda gotten breast implants and gotten our asses next to his. His friends in Miami are so close to him that they refuse to hear about his breakup that just happened.
“This is Miami!” they say, “Not New York! You should get drunk and forget about your horrible life, just like they do in New York!”
Meanwhile back in Reichen’s stanky shame bed, the past few days have been a really hard for him… like, really hard, especially when Austin comes over in the one wifebeater he owns and serves him champagne in bed. Very very hard… damn near priapic.
9:10 PM CST - Commercial: Julia Stiles would only fuck herself if she could first drink herself cross-eyed and then mock her own career choices.
9:14 PM CST - Finally we get a shot of Rodiney in a bikini and his pollon is obscene! CHORIZO MAXIMO!!! Yellow sausage bikini time!!! Aye, yai, yai!!! We’re surprised they didn’t blur it out like they blurred out Austin’s buttcrack two episodes ago. But we love that Rodiney’s living like a superstar while Reichen rots in his bed of tears and watches his dumb musical go even further off Broadway. We hear they’re now staging it at a Queens laundromat.
9:16 PM CST - BRUNCH SCENE!!!! (Finally! I’m so thirsty I could slit a girl’s throat just to make a Bloody Mary). Ryan’s waify assistant TJ doesn’t have any problem with Austin, just as long as he doesn’t have to be in the same house with him ever. This, TJ explains, is why he doesn’t want to accept Reichen’s invitation to his lake house in Maine. Oh what’s that, Ryan? You need TJ to stay in New York and do some more bitch errands? Problem solved.
But even though TJ and Derek are one brain in two twinks, TJ and Reichen are of one mind especially when it comes to lusting over Austin’s butt. What better thing to talk about over brunch? Certainly not DADT, ENDA ,r the recent elections or negative gay stereotypes perpetuated on TV—let’s talk about hottt sluttz, fat nuttz, and bigg booty buttz!
Meanwhile in an alleyway between to a wank shop and meth studio, sneaky kittens TJ and Derek snigger as they plot to make fun of “fat girl” Austin over his head while at Reichen’s lakehouse. Little does Derek know that TJ only wants to go the lakehouse so he can get first crack at Austin’s crack.
9:20 PM CST - Commercial: Let the creepy dead voice of a disembodied child sell you jeans.
9:23 PM CST - Commercial: All elves need Christmas magic… even the Jewish ones. BECAUSE SANTA DEMANDS IT. HAIL SANTA!!! And talking about creepy Christmas commercials, here’s the Android cell phone that turns Frosty the Snowman into KILLBOT 3000!!! I hope you didn’t like your children alive…
9:25 PM CST - The A-List word of the day is “brown out” which they say is like a lighter version of blacking out while drunk. But we bottoms know better. A REAL brown out is much, much worse.
9:26 PM CST - Commercial: Do Lysol’s kitchen wipes also work for brown-outs?
9:27 PM CST - Rodiney returns from Miami to do a fashion shoot with Auntie Mike (who has made an unprecedented THREE appearances in this show. It must be an off-week for Mike because seeing him thrice which is like touching a unicorn three times — IT NEVER HAPPENS). Apparently while Rodiney had an amazing time strutting in his skivvies in Miami. But all the while eichen’s needy hole blew up Rodiney’s phone with non-stop booty texts. That boy is S-A-D sad.
Rodiney comes back to NYC to do a fashion shoot with DJ Tracy Young. Mike styles them in such a way that makes Rodiney look like Marlena Dietrich and Tracy Young look like Lurch. Of course, Rodiney is only 3 foot 7. If you hit him over the head with a stick, he’d turn into a pile of gold coins (thanks Patton Oswald).
9:29 PM CST - When Rodiney finally deigns to come back to he and Reichen’s apartment, Reichen apologizes with all the compassion of a styrofoam carry out container. He’s very sorry that Rodiney has never given him a chance to really express himself, even though he only mumbles incoherently when given the chance. Are we the only people in all of gaydom that doesn’t believe Reichen one IOTA when he says he has’t cheated?
9:34 PM CST - Commercial: Finally, a commercial that’s teams Weezer with AXE body spray proving once and for all that Weezer’s second album Pinkerton wasn’t a legendary album that defined our teenage years, but a shamelss cash grab that I misunderstood.
9:37 PM CST - The producers have obviously forced frenemies Austin, Derek and TJ (the Girls with One Brain) to kiss and make up while drunk, so they can get into a fight in a few weeks and stop being friends all over again. Shut up! IT’S GOOD PROGRAMMING! THE FORMULA WORKS. WHAT DO YOU KNOW ABOUT ANYTHING???!!!!11!!
At their make-up drink, Ryan and TJ scold Austin for acting like a Fire Islander while at Fire Island. Derek wears an Ellen Degeneres vest with no shirt underneath and TJ wears a white shirt that looks like it was used to clean up a Brooklyn latrine.
9:41 PM CST - Derek and TJ congratulate Austin for his dastardly plan to be Reichen’s rebound manpuss. And all is well… UNTIL RODINEY SHOWS UP and begins weaving his evil Brazilian spells over Reichen’s heart with his 99-cent street rose! There is a rose in Spanish Harlem… and it smells like baloney.
As Rodiney joins the group, Austin gives his totally unbi-assed opinion that Rodiney and Reichen shouldn’t be dating. Rodiney responds by imitating Austin’s nasally voice, but sadly you can actually understand Rodiney better when he’s talking like that — no subtitles needed!
9:45 PM CST - Commercial: A man walks on his hands across New York City to encourage you to learn CPR. Sadly his hand caught fourth-degree gonorrhea and had to be amputated. Moments later, a baby seal started choking on one of Austin’s used condoms and the handless CPR man could do nothing but shed a single tear (Brought to you by Levi jeans).
9:48 PM CST - Reichen invites TJ and Ryan to “a shit show” where they have all agreed to stage this episode’s climax. The resulting fight will serve as the show’s “moral center.”
The boy wonder whether Riechen and Rodiney are back together and whether Austin will be jealous. Austin says that he totally doesn’t want to care because he’s engaged to some random piece of British scrub anyway. Nevermind that Austin has spent the entire season wanting to hump Reichen’s six-pack… that’s just what gay friends do. Soon after, Reichen and Rodiney walk in all puppy-eyed to announce to that THEY’RE TOTALLY GONNA GIVE THEIR LOVE ANOTHER CHANCE!!! OMG YOU GUYS, LIKE WOW!!!
Austin radiates cock-blocked anger. No one cock blocks Austin on national TV… especially after he took all that Cialis.
9:53 PM CST - Commercial: A Latina woman would like to talk to you about finances using an extended “box” metaphor. She would like to make a couple of long-term deposits and quick withdrawals in your box. She’s gonna organize your box and sort it out like crazy. Do you like kids, by the way?
9:56 PM CST - Austin drunkenly shouts at TJ about manners, which is kinda like Sarah Palin lecturing an undergrad about grammar. Then Austin decides to “release the bean enchilada in his butt” (or so says Derek) and then punches Rodiney in the face just to show everyone how totally not jealous he is of Rodiney. Seeing as Rodiney is much more attractive, sincere, successful, and deeper into Reichen’s man-muff than Austin ever will be, we’re sad to see Austin successfully get a punch in. Seriously, we haven’t been this upset since the start of the Iraq invasion.
After the melee, Rodiney wonders why Reichen keeps these people as friends. Ummm…Rodiney, these people are not Reichen’s friends. These are people that producers introduced Reichen to three months ago.
Meanwhile on the sidewalk, TJ and Derek suck up to Austin and tell him that it’s totally OK to attack your ex-boyfriend’s boyfriend over brunch. So for those of you keeping track at home: destroying restaurant property to drunkenly attack someone in public: totally OK. Swimming nude at Fire Island: UNACCEPTABLE.
Later Derek and TJ will touch the hem of Austin’s robe, kiss the scarlet emblem on his sleeve, and then rub his secret-decoder ring with their shaved ballsacks—it’s so cool being in the Bad Girl’s Club!
But for now, Reichen asks Austin what the eff is wrong with him and Austin walks away in a huff—girl is chubby when she’s angry!
10 PM CST - Next week Reichen will sing the world’s worst song, Ryan, TJ, and Derek will have a competition to see which one looks the pastiest in a black Speedo. Then after a few moments of pretending like they won’t invite Austin to the lakehouse for Rodiney’s sake, they (SPOILER ALERT) invite Austin. But the big question remains: will you ever stop watching this mutant soap opera? No, probably not.