NOTE: Sorry for the spoiler in the headline earlier. I was just so shocked by how good this episode is. Please read on.
10:05 PM - Why do the recaps from the prior week take five minutes? Heck this ain’t Dynasty. Tonight the girls have the opportunity to “wig out” which we assume means that they’ll have to make wigs out of all the hair left behind by prior contestants. The first few minutes of each show always involve the girls talking about “the void” left behind by whoever lost the week before.
10:06 PM - Alexis delicately brings up that Shangela was one of the bottom two again last week. Shangela’s like “Ummm, yeah thanks for the reminder,” and says that she’s just gonna have to start fighting… which suggests that all the bitchery Shangela’s been up to since episode one has just been her “laid back” attitude. If that’s true, I can’t wait to see what happens when girl turns it up to 11! The girls have twenty minutes to make an incredible wig out of tacky dollar store items stolen from a gay senior center luau. The girls start to hot glue parrots, dolphins, hula skirts, and tropical drink umbrellas together.
Raja looks like someone threw up a lobster feast onto his head. Jara has hula skirt braids like crazy, Manila has an ornamented palm tree in her head, Alexis looks like a jellyfish, Shangela fashions a parrot humping a dolphin on her underwhelming headpiece. Raja wins and Alexis is all like “I wish that bish would jess shaddup.”
10:10 PM - This week the queens will compete in a fantasy hair show where they have to create 3 distinct looks: a classic look from another era, a modern look worthy of a red carpet event, and a fantasy far-out hair extravaganza. Raja wins the mini-challenge and has a full five-seconds to grab whatever wigs she wants to out of their janky roll-away wig barn.
When the girls start working on their designs, Manila tells Shangela how to style a wig by introducing Shangela to an innovative new tool called “a comb.” Shangela has obviously never used a comb before. I mean just look at that girl’s kinks. Manila’s trying to teach you a life-skill, girl.
10:16 PM - Ru comes around and decides to check out the wigginess. Alexis normally works with her own hair as a base but her wigs look cray-cray. Jara decides to do an afro for an “80′s look, except that AFROs AREN’T FROM THE 80s, JARA!!! Ru asks for examples of Alexis’ work but Alexis has absolutely NOTHING prepared. Ru is like “Hmmm… good ideas… um… yeah.” Shangela’s hair fantasy is like a double-horned unicorn but Shangela has prepared for Ru’s questions and Ru loves her Diana Ross and Donna Summer look. Ru however is not so crazy about Jara’s crazy afro look, namely because Shangela is doing the exact same look. Raja is going to dress like Janice from the Muppets (which is cool), but he has no hair fantasy… but Ru wants to see something that makes his eyes bug out and that’s making Raja queasy with high expectations. Manila’s classic look is a mix of 80s meets 1800s wig and Ru’s like, “Ummm… if you have to explain that to the judges, you gonna lose, m’kay?”
10:20 PM - But Ru forgot to tell them that they have to make a runway outfit made entirely out of hair as well. Luckily Ru has a full costume closet just filled with merkins (ie. pubic wigs) to help them out. You gotta figure that these bitches have been shitting out two dresses a week and so having to poop out an entire hair dress is giving of them some serious constipation.
10:25 PM - I wish the RuPaul pit crew would just stand around the entire show in their briefs and rub themselves down with Crisco. I could watch that for hours.
10:26 PM - Jara almost melted her face off… but did she? Um… no. She’s apparently started swearing and laughing like an Oompa Loompa on crack. Girl has said that she’s just gotta win. And so she’s started asking Alexis what she thinks of her dress every five minutes and Alexis is like, “Um… leave me the eff alone. OK, bish?” Alexis decides to make her fantasy dress fit the same way that she makes all her clothes fit—by adding extra padding onto her saddlebags to make her look like a slutty grandma. It looks like Manila is creating some sort of bumblebee dress. Jara offers her wig help to Shangela, but Shangela’s like, “Why don’t you go and bother Alexis again?”
Manila thinks this is the craziest and hardest challenge that any Drag Racer has ever had to do. Um… did she see the episode where the girls had to eat fried bull testicles? Manila hasn’t done her modern red carpet look yet and she’s slowly melting. Instead she decides to do her makeup early so that if she has to lip-synch for her life, she’ll at least look good. Does this mean that Manila’s gonna go bye-bye. If she does, I may actually cry. Don’t you know that Manila is my spirit animal?
10:34 PM - Commercials – If you’re a real man, your alcoholic drink will make loud noises at a wedding. Ice Breakers mint now comes with blue glitter to cut up your mouth and intestines. Progressive will put a small robot in your car to track every move you make. Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups wanna make you horny by showing you a commercial of a chocolate bunny getting freaky-deaky with peanut butter. And the Macy’s commercial makes working in the shoe department seem like a crazy, fun adventure instead of the soul-crushing job it actually is.
10:35 PM - Ru looks a bit chunky today… we thought black was supposed to be slimming! Out comes Jara with a crazy disco cape and striped dress—she looks great! Then Alexis works a Hollywood glamour look. Raja comes in with a killer sex-cretary from the 60s. Shangela works the Spanish flamenco look and she looks hella fierce. Manila looks kinda Marie Antoinette with a curly powder wig and a blue bow with a candelabra accent. Kray kray!
Here comes the modern looks: Jara has a crazy sexy urban cam look. Alexis has a crazy red fluffy dess with some new school Mae West blonde braid action going on in her hair. Raja works with an easy breezy wig that looks like a crazy razor styled it. Shangela looks hella fierce with a crazy tight evening style. Mainla is a Filipino princess with some Breakfast at Tiffany’s thrown on her chest.
For the fantasy look. Jara pulls out a crazy poodle scorpion hairdo. Alexis has a crazy Burlesque and Wild West pony-stling that is playful yet totally Phantom of the Drag queen. Raja has a crazy multicolored snow cone look with large ornaments springing from her wig. Shangela has a crazy Mad Max look complete with hair totem. Manila works a wonderful bumblebee costume complete with bee wings.
10:42 PM - Commercial: Insidious is like Black Swan except with a little boy inside a house instead of with a little girl inside of the New York Ballet.
A decade ago, Tyler was diagnosed with HIV, but I still wanna bone him. Namely because of his crazy beautiful eyes and his moat. Yes, come over here Tyler so we can discuss health care options, m’kay?
Orange is the paint flavor of choice for kids everywhere. It’s so popular in fact that they’ll play the same lead-poisoning commercial twice in a row. How many drag queens watching this show are raising kids anyway?
10:46 PM - Judges’ critique: Jara looks like “the Ho of Whoville.” Fantasia loves Jara’s retro outfit and so do we. She might even win! And her amazing booty has Wayne Brady as confused as Eddie Murphy. Santino didn’t like Alexis’ “discount” red-carpet hair or her gaudy red-carpet dress. They think that Alexis’ 40s look was more like a 40 dollars look. Raja looks totally anime art and Santino loves it but Santino also thinks that Raja wears too much damn make up. And Wayne Brady says that her modern dress was more Miley Cyrus than red carpet—go au naturale, gurl! Fantasia thought Shangela’s Spanish dress was too frumpy and that her red-carpet hair was very forgettable. They say that Shangela has an amazing spirit but yet again the judges question whether this really comes from a natural place for her. And why does Manila keep putting on tons of white makeup on her face? She looks like a legendary Asian ghost! And Manila really does camp couture well. But maybe she wore one huge-ass jewel too many on her evening look.
10:54 PM - And now for the winners and losers! Raja is merely safe. Jara wins the challenge which is nice because she’ll most likely get eliminated next week (we love you, boo!). Alexis is up for elimination along with Shangela. Not so long ago it was two Heathers lip-synched against one another. Now all that Heathers crap is over, and two of the Booger Crew have to battle it out! Neither one of them is really killing it. Maybe because the song is way too low-key. Uh-oh… Shangela took off the wig, which is a desperation move!
11:00 PM - OMG!!! Shangela gets the axe!!! But then RuPaul announces that she’s gonna let her judges let a previously eliminated queen return. What?!! Escandalo. Please don’t let it be Mimi Imfirst, Delta Work, or Stacey Layne Matthews. Err… on second thought let those queens come back. They’d be easy kill for these other ladies. Or maybe Shangela will come back… AGAIN!!! GASP!