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Nutjob Gay Matchmaker: Bottoming Will Make You A Total Loser

A lot of shit’s been said about anal sex lately. (Sorry, we just had to.)

Just this week a Salon columnist felt the need to address that old canard that frequent backdoor action leads to incontinence. (Please, If that were true, Depends would come out with skimpy briefs with rainbow stripes on them!)

Now our inbox has been soiled with a press release from Paul Angelo, a gay matchmaker from Miami who claims that “receptive anal sex decreases self-esteem by forcing the person to assume a submissive position during an act of pleasure. This confuses the brain to believe that a feminine-like behavior is appropriate for a man and in turn reduces the man’s assertiveness, confidence and will power.”

Um, has Angelo ever met a bossy bottom? Actually judging from the photo below, he looks like a bossy bottom!

Listen to this South Beach brainiac’s theory:

Angelo explains that because men behave differently than women, the brain is taught to accept as valid all behaviors that are associated with masculinity and strength. The moment that the brain receives messages that are NOT congruent with the definition of masculinity—he person gets confused. Aggressive or “pushy” bottoms are an example of this confusion. Those are gay men who succeeded in business and show masculinity in day-to-day life, but in the bedroom – end up engaging in receptive anal intercourse.

“The worse part about this destruction of self-esteem is that it’s on the subconscious level. A person will not feel anything during the act. And the pleasure derived from the act will override the logic necessary to correct the behavior. In addition, there is a delay between the act of anal intercourse and the reduction of self-esteem of the person” says Angelo.

Angelo says gay men over 40—his main client base, by the way,—should engage in a 60-day moratorium on the butt love. (Is that like the Master Cleanse?)

What about oral sex—will your life fall apart just as quickly if you’re the passive partner in a blowjob? Or maybe you’ll just get passed over for a promotion and never get rid of that spare tire no matter how many squats you do.

For those still confused about Angelo’s theory, he lays it out with a rather colorful example:

“If you were to put all gay men together in a big warehouse and place the ‘bottoms’ on the left and the ‘tops’ on the right, you’d start seeing negative consequences of the anal sex play out in real life for the bottoms such as: disrespect for their general health, failure at work, failure in love and relationships.”

Actually we’ve seen plenty of relationships fail because neither guy was a bottom.

By:           Dan Avery
On:           Dec 30, 2011
Tagged: ,
  • 95 Comments
    • FreddyMertz
      FreddyMertz

      He must have empirical evidence.

      Dec 30, 2011 at 5:52 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Dan W.
      Dan W.

      Huh?

      Where are all these tops?

      Los Angeles has a ratio of like 2 million bottoms & 7 tops.

      Dec 30, 2011 at 5:56 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • scribe31
      scribe31

      It is bad enough when republicans or so called christians speak out of their asses about gay life, but now we have one of our own talking this stupid shit.

      Dec 30, 2011 at 5:58 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • scribe31
      scribe31

      @Dan W.: damn… guess I need to move to L.A. almost every guy I meet in Michigan is a strict top. :(

      Dec 30, 2011 at 6:00 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • codyj
      codyj

      WOW,another ‘self-proclaimed’ nutcase, so (superioulsy convinced)his teaching are CORRECT….Some glad Im waaay north of him in St. Aug…and gonna stay single, rather than have him ‘match’ me.lol!

      Dec 30, 2011 at 6:11 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Pete B
      Pete B

      @scibe31: if thats the case…I think I’ll move to Michigan.

      Dec 30, 2011 at 6:19 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Stewart
      Stewart

      Personally, I hate this whole top/bottom thing. Medical issues aside, it feels like it tends to go beyond simple “preferences” when people take it upon themselves to exclusively label how they usually enjoy to perform during anal sex and just completely reject anyone that may not fill the bill.

      Dec 30, 2011 at 6:21 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • matt baume
      matt baume

      Are we getting trolled by this guy?

      Dec 30, 2011 at 6:37 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Lou Scunt
      Lou Scunt

      I don’t believe in being sexually labelled. If you want to bottom just do it, if you want to top, do it. Enough with the labels!

      Dec 30, 2011 at 6:40 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Kylew
      Kylew

      Unconsidered cynicism aside, are people CERTAIN that this guy is wrong? Because if he is, humans would be unusual amongst mammals that posture between males does NOT carry deeper social hierarchical significance.

      There’s plenty of science to prove that our conscious assessment of self-worth is inaccurate, so if you naysayers are scoffing simply because as bottoms, you don’t feel inferior, then that’s a fairly uncompelling argument, especially as this guy suggests, the change happens on a subconscious level. However, if you have contradictory scientific or psychological information then it would be interesting to hear it.

      Dec 30, 2011 at 6:51 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Kylew
      Kylew

      Incidentally, is it really too much to ask queerty to adopt a remotely impartial stance, especially about matters which it knows nothing about?

      Dec 30, 2011 at 6:52 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • adfdsfa
      adfdsfa

      @Kylew: I like you, you’re the first person I met on this website who processes information in a logical manner. A+, I also agree with you on the obvious bias that these articles show as well as the instant jump to conclusions most readers make.

      Dec 30, 2011 at 7:00 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • iDavid
      iDavid

      Ha! What a dweeb. It’s obvious he’s talking about his own experience, most likely because too many guys too many times told him he has an ugly ass and refused to fuck him a second time. It’s so embarrasing he had to get all religiousitous over it. Poooor baaaby. Get therapy!

      Dec 30, 2011 at 7:16 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • mk_ultra_again
      mk_ultra_again

      Bottoms take a lot of flack. But where would tops be without bottoms? I think that choosing to put yourself in the most vunerable position for your partner can be one of the most intimate things one man can do for another. Of course some ppl like being submissive too.

      Dec 30, 2011 at 7:20 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Stewart
      Stewart

      @Kylew: This man is making an assertion with 0 scientific evidence and thus the burden of proof is on him. Your comment on mammal hierarchy is inadequate in the sense that humans are already unique when it comes to plenty of practices.

      Dec 30, 2011 at 7:23 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • iDavid
      iDavid

      @Kylew,

      He didn’t offer any stats on this issue. To think it important he be refuted scientifically when he has not provided such, seems a bit strange.
      Behaviors are like pizzas, some u like and some you don’t. I have yet to hear one bottom ever say they have self esteem issues about getting fucked. Like their favorite pizza, they love it, and you don’t hear people belly aching over eating their favorite pizza. This guy is standing on egg shells at best. But he sure knows how to get attention, which is something he may want.
      As a versatile, I know for a fact getting fucked not only makes me feel great, for days, it is also a natural act. If anyone in the world loves it and freaks afterwards, that’s homophobia in need if therapy.

      Dec 30, 2011 at 7:27 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • I
      I

      Who care? If you want to be a ultra feminine bottom
      than be one! Don’t listen to these nut case gay men who really know nothing but how to be a bitch.

      Dec 30, 2011 at 7:43 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • ASB
      ASB

      “receptive anal sex decreases self-esteem by forcing the person to assume a submissive position during an act of pleasure. This confuses the brain to believe that a feminine-like behavior is appropriate for a man and in turn reduces the man’s assertiveness, confidence and will power.”

      I think it’s less about tops and bottoms and more about the dominant paradigm of gender relations. He stands on three faulty social constructs: one, that because women are physiologically more likely to be the receptive sex partner, this makes the act “feminized;” two, being “feminized” is a bad thing; three, that there is a static definition of what the “feminine” actually is. The attempts of this man to try and straightjacket gay men into traditional gender roles is ironic and unsettling.

      Dec 30, 2011 at 7:54 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • CBRad
      CBRad

      This married-with-a-kid bruiser steelworker I had a short affair with (I was always the bottom) had more simple sense than this guy, when he said simply, “There are some really butch bottoms out there.” I think there is a sort of powerplay thing, sometimes, about who f–ks and who gets f–ked, but…..so what? Makes things way more intense and heated.

      Dec 30, 2011 at 7:59 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • j
      j

      Someone needs to inform this man what the word “logic” actually means. Because he doesn’t know.

      Dec 30, 2011 at 8:16 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Kylew
      Kylew

      @iDavid: Whilst I agree that he did not provide scientific evidence for THIS SPECIFIC ARGUMENT, there is surely plenty of reasonably convincing evidence in the wider world for a number of issues that factor into his claims – enough for him, correctly or incorrectly, to reach the conclusions he has. Merely because he lacks scientific method in making his claims, does not mean that cannot apply reason in considering them – or would you suggest that we simply start a slanging match? Being a little facaetious, and no insult intended, but I’m sure the point is clear.

      And let’s remember, as the article itself acknowledges, it is ONLY A THEORY. Isn’t that the heart of the scientific method – theorise, test, refine or discard – ad infinitum?

      Dec 30, 2011 at 8:37 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Nomadsheart
      Nomadsheart

      Angelo may not be a bottom, but he is an a*#hole.

      Dec 30, 2011 at 8:41 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • geoff
      geoff

      Regarding bottoming vs not (whatever the reason) WHY would one want to give up ‘half’ of one’s sex life?

      Dec 30, 2011 at 8:44 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Kylew
      Kylew

      @iDavid: Sorry, I didn’t fully answer your other points.
      An alcoholic may enjoy drinking for years, but that doesn’t mean that the alcohol is not harming him.

      Respectfully, just because you feel elated after sex as a bottom means nothing. You may enjoy the passivity or the submissiveness. You may be damaged and enjoy being hurt or maltreated. Not saying you are, and not saying that these are necessarily characteristics of being a bottom, but your personal anecdotal experience, or that of every single visitor to this site is lagely irrelevant as you are a statistically insignificant sample, and more importantly, as Angelo suggests, the effects are on a subconscious level, so you would be completely unaware of them.

      It’s like the recent survey on penile cancer, which revealed that many of the sufferers were engaging in bestiality. They felt great during the act, and often repeated it, but they were unaware that they were harming themselves in the long term.

      I’m not by any means saying this guy is right, but there are are least enough supporting ideas to consider his theory rationally rather than dismissing it out of hand.

      But of course, people become very blind to ideas that challenge the way that they live their lives…

      Dec 30, 2011 at 8:47 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • cele
      cele

      What is he talking about? I agree, bottoming is the more feminine position in the bedroom. But that does not make the bottom any less significant in the bedroom, or any less masculine than they already are. If anything, the bottom is the most important in the bedroom, as we are the ones who need to start relaxing and accepting pleasure first before the top can start enjoying the sex.

      The more feminine positions, and femininity in general, is not as respected as it should be, because it is more complex than masculine traits. But that is the beauty in nature, as it is composed of masculine and feminine characteristics which balance each other out and makes harmony (which in terms of us gay males, really good butt sex).

      His views are really off he thinks that femininity in males equals self destruction. Lack of understanding of one another is what equals self destruction, and a very lonely life beforehand. Gay males are meant to be as masculine and as feminine as anyone else found in the world, because it creates balance.

      Dec 30, 2011 at 8:48 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Kylew
      Kylew

      @adfdsfa: Thank you. I find it frustrating that this site and many of its visitors are so militant that anything that remotely challenges their right to live their lives EXACTLY as they see fit, immediately provokes rabid reactions, screams of insanity or homophobia, and insults to anyone who disagrees.

      It only took about a week of visits before my estimation for queerty’s “journalism” (and I use the term in its very loosest sense,) had plummeted to gutter press, and now I see the site on a par with rags like the National Enquirer in the US and the Daily Star in the UK – the very, very worst of populist nonsense, all presented in the most lascisvious sensationalist manner to inflame the unthinking masses.

      The great danger of this site, is that once in a while, it blends in meaningful news and commentary, and to the unwary, you might briefly be fooled into taking it seriously. The great tragedy is that there are not SO many gay-focussed news sites that one this popular can afford to be so trashy and cavalier. It makes me wonder if it is owned by a homosexual at all, or if we are simply seen as marks to make money from.

      I just use it as an index to refer me to proper reporting sites.

      Dec 30, 2011 at 9:00 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Jim
      Jim

      Did Christopher Walken get a facelift?

      Dec 30, 2011 at 9:07 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Kylew
      Kylew

      @ASB: You make some interesting points, but I don’t think it’s that Angelo is trying to force men into gender roles; those roles already exist. SOME visitors to this site may think deeply about such things AND apply that to their lives and bedroom activities, but in the main, I suspect that gay men are no different to straight men, in their consideration of this subject, which is to say that they act as they feel – no more, no less. Sometimes they act masculine or dominant if the situation demands it (confrontation, sport or negotiation for instance), and other times they may be less masculine. But most are affected by their perceived gender role.

      I don’t know about the issue of femininity, and I think that that is a separate issue despite how Angelo may have framed things, but issues of dominance and submission directly have a bearing upon his theory. You and other visitors may be perfectly comfortable repeatedly adopting a submissive role, but like it or not, to some degree, doing so probably affects one’s overall psychological make up.

      Whether that effect is negative is an unknown. In modern, aggression driven, achievement oriented capatalist society, I suspect that passive traits may be detrimental to anyone wishing to succeed in that arena.

      Dec 30, 2011 at 9:13 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Stewart
      Stewart

      @Kylew: How about a “theory” that mentions that tops are at extreme risk of committing violent acts upon other individuals as a result of a “subconscious” pathology, ranging from physical torture to psychological maltreatment? I can make this assessment by considering the act of “topping” another man as inherently sadistic, just like bottoming is inherently masochistic; both equally damaging to the psyche.

      There being an “underlying” truth when viewed through the microscope of preconceived social notions is completely irrelevant when the person in question does not take their time to back up their claims with real, scientific evidence. Attempting to draw a parallel to try and establish a point and pass it as science is simply not enough.

      I would say that it is difficult not to get riled up on this when a person is being labelled as lacking on self-esteem and ultimately mentally fragile, when there is no corroboration to these allegations.

      Dec 30, 2011 at 9:18 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Kylew
      Kylew

      @Stewart: Stewart, it was only a theory from him, and I offered a theory to support his. A theory is a starting place, not the entirety of the discussion. The fact is, male humans posture EXACTLY like male gorillas. Male humans offer mating displays very comparable to many birds. Male humans adopt hierarchical and postural behaviour just like many other primates, big cats, and other mammals. The fact that we are not EXACTLY like any other animal is no reason to dismiss out of hand those areas where we are very similar, and to ask how adopting passive behaviour or a submissive sexual role may affect us.

      Dec 30, 2011 at 9:22 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • iDavid
      iDavid

      @Kylew,

      Queerty is calling it a theory, not Paul Angelo. He is making a broad factual black and white statement, which is false. And it only takes one person, i.e. myself, to bust that supposed fact as he states it. I know how to access the subconscious quite easily as I do it professionally, and there is nothing in mine that negates bottoming, and there never has been.

      However, in reviewing Paul’s web sight, and the fact he is a gay matchmaker, I can only make an assumption without talking directly to him, that some bottoms suffer from self esteem issues because they believe bottoming is wrong bad evil etc. He uses NLP, neuro linguistic programming, which can eliminate such beliefs, which he may employ.

      Regardless, if he is saying in black and white form that bottoming causes self esteem issues, he is wrong. It would hurt his business if this is true, unless he is a front for the ex gay movement. My feeling is this “press release” has a lot more meaning than we are seeing here.

      I think the problem you have with some people on this sight, is the fact that when people spout poppycock in articles written about them, the people here bust them immediately and kick them off the cliff, because they are wrong illiterate extremist etc and are simply making the race for gay rights more difficult. With all that is at stake right now in the culture war, entertaining rational conversation with the irrational is draining and useless. Best they be discredited quickly and lets move on to more positive aspects of life.

      Dec 30, 2011 at 9:30 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • iDavid
      iDavid

      PS And I might add, if the brain is wired for masculine behavior only, as Paul says, ANY sexual gesture male to male would cause self esteem issues, not just bottoming.

      This analogy is so off base I’m wondering if this isn’t a ploy for advertising in a bad economy. Either way it isn’t doing this guy any good if such is the case. It really ruins his credibility.

      Dec 30, 2011 at 9:44 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Interesting
      Interesting

      (a) he’s clearly anti-women (b) if he’s trying to say gay men should examine sex, he should just say that without the anti-women stuff that drives his “analysis.”

      Dec 30, 2011 at 9:49 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Allen D.
      Allen D.

      I’m all for defining one’s role. I spent 4 years in a 50/50 relationship. It just lead to enjoying sex 1/2 the time (vs. the previous comment about giving up 1/2 of your sex life). If I’m not going to enjoy it, then why do it?! I’m a top. I date bottoms. That’s it. I’ve never had a lack of respect for them. I personally don’t like doing it.

      It’s just that simple.

      Dec 30, 2011 at 10:58 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Stewart
      Stewart

      @Kylew: As I already mentioned, attempting to extrapolate the behavior of another species onto humans (and clinging onto evolutionary relation) is not a good argument, even more so when you lack, as I have mentioned repeatedly, evidence.

      Animal sexual behavior is quite basic when compared to that of the human species, and is entirely driven by stimuli. If this wasn’t enough, their cognitive awareness is derived solely from their sensorial perception.

      In essence, what I am conveying is that, with no research to back up a claim, it is absolutely meaningless.

      This is the case here.

      Dec 30, 2011 at 11:15 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Kyle412
      Kyle412

      Straight people have it so much easier. I tend to fall for guys that are tops. I’m a top as well (90% of the time). I hate something as simple as a position is a deal breaker if so many other factors make us compatible. Gay life would be easier if guys were just open to doing both. It seems weird that a sexual position is limiting many of us for finding mr. right.

      As for self esteem issues attached to be being a bottom I do agree. My friends who are tops have no problem let others know what they prefer, yet my bottom friends tend to keep more hush hush and often even lie. Not sure why they are ashamed unless they feel like they are doing something wrong.

      Dec 30, 2011 at 11:21 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Seth
      Seth

      @iDavid:

      “And it only takes one person, i.e. myself, to bust that supposed fact as he states it. I know how to access the subconscious quite easily as I do it professionally, and there is nothing in mine that negates bottoming, and there never has been.”

      So few words, so many tell-tale signs that the author is posing and doesn’t actually know what he is talking about.

      1. Re: “It only takes one person….”: One or even several exceptions to a theory do not falsify it.

      2. Re: “I know how to access the subconscious quite easily as I do it professionally”: accessing the subconscious is not easy, and anyone so smug as to claim otherwise is probably an idiot, much less a professional qualified to do so.

      3. Re: “Negates bottoming”: What exactly would that even mean? Makes no sense.

      Bottom line: perhaps your own–ahem–desires “negate” whatever little good judgment you started with.

      Dec 31, 2011 at 12:11 am · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • gus
      gus

      ALL THAT WAS SAID BUT NOT A MENTION THAT
      MANY BOTTOMS EXPERIENCE ANAL ORGASMS AND
      MANY TOPS DO NOT. PRETTY SIMPLE STUFF.

      Dec 31, 2011 at 12:53 am · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • iDavid
      iDavid

      @Seth

      Re:

      1) It’s not a “theory”.
      2) The subconscious can be accessed in under 3 minutes with eyes open.
      3) “negate” — look it up.

      Bottom line: With all due respect; in these instances, you lack education.

      Dec 31, 2011 at 1:21 am · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • ChiDude
      ChiDude

      HOLY CRIPES… This is some of the funniest crap I’ve read in forever… because Mr. Paul is A BOTTOM. I know this for a fact since I’ve personally tapped that several times! And trust me, it was not his first time. This is HILARIOUS! hahaha. Thank you Queerty!

      Dec 31, 2011 at 4:24 am · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Kylew
      Kylew

      @iDavid: I’m sorry, but even to a layperson such as myself, you only have to look at the physical dynamics of being a bottom to understand why, if you do not bottom face to face, it MAY cause esteem issues for some people. However you try to rationalise it, being on your knees or face, not even making eye contact most of the time, under the control of another person is extremely submissive. Even if you bottom face to face, legs slung up in a position of personal discomfort, again a very sub-ordinate posture.

      Being able to access the subconscious, and being able to control and understand it are two very different matters.

      http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E8V8rtdXnLA&feature=channel_video_title

      In this video, a philosophy professor (who’s name escapes me) talks about how bad humans are at assessing both their own capabilities and their own mental state. At around 16 minutes, he discusses the fact that professional psychologists are equally bad at understanding themselves, in spite of their superior understanding of the mind. It makes for salutory and fascinating listening, and perhaps you might change your assessment of your own abilities after hearing it.

      But for all that, I don’t know that I completely agree with Angelo’s conclusions. I was simply challenging the automatic assumption that he is wrong.

      I am an alpha male, through and through, and in most areas in my life, I am both dominant and in charge of others. But there are times when I love to serve in many areas of life. I take pride in the service I can provide because it gives me pleasure to please people sometimes. Part of that may well hark back to childhood when pleasing people was a defence mechanism, but I also take satisfaction in doing it better than others, so in a way, service is also part of my alpha personality.

      People are too complicated to pigeonhole us all, but I definitely see that for some people, being a bottom ties into poor self esteem. For me personally, as one who has moved from being a top to versatile, it was only when I developed strong self esteem, that I became content with accepting the pleasure that can be derived from being a bottom.

      And respectfully, to those people who do have to get hostile towards other members, it’s not for them to decide that issues such as this one are trival or distracting and try to get them closed down as quickly as possible. To me, it is the height of banality to keep asking which movie star may be gay, or who attended what carnival, or who is about to marry whom, but this site seems to thrive on it. I appreciate that allowing us to be as shallow and vacuuous as heterosexuals is progress, after a fashion, but personallly, I’d sooner have ten debates about subjects like this, than one more about Taylor Lautner or whoever…

      Dec 31, 2011 at 9:03 am · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Anne
      Anne

      As an outside observer,hetero woman, I have to say this discussion is enlightening and incredibly depressing…Do gay men really look down on the people they’re making love to? I just don’t get it. But it seems rather sad, and doesn’t bode well for chances of a healthy, loving relationship. It would be rather strange for me to find out that my husband thinks less of me because his penis happens to go into my vagina…Am I then the “submissive” in my marriage? I think some of you need to reevaluate this whole labeling thing…It seems rather insidious to an outsider like me.

      Dec 31, 2011 at 10:59 am · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Greybat
      Greybat

      Thank you, Anne!
      A healthy person certainly wouldn’t look down in any way on the person they are making love to.
      Rather, they would enjoy expressing the pleasure they take in that person.
      A man is somewhat more than just a hole. A man is a man, in all his complexity, just like women are. You can either love them or leave them alone.

      Dec 31, 2011 at 11:45 am · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Versatile_FTW
      Versatile_FTW

      If you can’t flip the script and be bottom on occasion you are flawed goods in my book.

      I will NEVER date anouther guy that isn’t versatile.

      If he has hang ups about anything, he is outa here.

      I need a man who is just as dedicated to me as I am him. That includes indulging my desires on occasion.

      Dec 31, 2011 at 12:03 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Cam
      Cam

      “”Paul Angelo, a gay matchmaker from Miami who claims that “receptive anal sex decreases self-esteem by forcing the person to assume a submissive position during an act of pleasure.””
      _______________________________

      Fine, I’ll be happy to introduce him to a few exes who have no lack of self esteem..to the point of being annoying. lol

      Honestly, he just sounds like another bottom who has issues with his own preferences and is projecting.

      To any bottoms who feel this way….get over it, sex is sex, and without you, tops don’t get to have any sex.

      Dec 31, 2011 at 12:13 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Anon
      Anon

      For a start, this is not a scientific theory. A scientific theory requires evidence to it’s support. A theory is not just a random question with weak linked chain of possiblies.

      Effectivly, untill this guy can show through studies that bottom in anal sex is directly linked to the lowering of self esteem in men, then he can’t expect anyone to take him seriously.

      Dec 31, 2011 at 12:33 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • iDavid
      iDavid

      @Anne

      “As an outside observer, hetero woman, I have to say this discussion is enlightening and incredibly depressing…Do gay men really look down on the people they’re making love to? I just don’t get it.”

      I think we all have a problem with “some” and “all”. Do “all” gay men look down on their lovers? Not at all. Do some, I’m sure. Just like “some” straight men look down on women, and some don’t. Do all bottoms have self esteem issues, no, do some, sure. When it comes to sex love and marriage, gays and straights are on the same page. Gays go through the “honeymoon phase” just like straights, along with the downsides. I think that’s why in marriage, the “till death do us part” seems so doable, it’s said in the starry eyed rose colored glasses honeymoon phase for many, but when the honeymoon is over ….. “jeeez love IS BLIND after all, why did I say THAT?!!!” LoL

      @Kylew

      I agree a lot of people shoot from the hip without thinking on this sight. But it does make for good entertainment, for me anyway silly as it is.
      That vid was GREAT! Thanks for sharing that.
      I do think extremist unfounded statements like “all bottoms have self esteem issues” is wrong. Do some? Yes. Like you said, after you developed a healthy self esteem you enjoyed bottoming. You’re a good example of both it would seem. So I am more about using “all” or “some” in making statements. More often than not, people will say sweeping all inclusive statements, i.e. “all homosexuals are going to hell” when hell in and of itself is baseless and unprovable. Then they back track and say “god is the ultimate judge” in the Christian model, so their original statement is false. Many times people will use or infer “all” when they only mean “some” upon reflection. Hail to the clueless.
      I know I make sweeping statements at times that are false and I have yet to master saying “some” in my sentences. And my inference was “some” to begin with, but I forget to say it and it comes out wrong.
      It’s really hard to break old habits and form new ones that are “correct”. But I’m at least conscious of it and trying.

      @Cam
      …… bingo.

      Dec 31, 2011 at 1:02 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Cam
      Cam

      @Anne: said… “As an outside observer,hetero woman, I have to say this discussion is enlightening and incredibly depressing…Do gay men really look down on the people they’re making love to? I just don’t get it. But it seems rather sad, and doesn’t bode well for chances of a healthy, loving relationship.”
      _____________________

      Gee, an, as an outside observer who has watched The View, Oprah, and other shows on TV, I have to say that the typical discussion hetro women have is enlightening and incredibly depressing.

      They are consistently badmouthing and insulting men. Do Hetro women REALLY look down on the people they’re making love to? I just don’t get it, but it seems rather sad and doesn’t bode well for chances of a healthy and loving relationship now does it?

      Dec 31, 2011 at 2:55 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Oh Dear (John From England)
      Oh Dear (John From England)

      @Cam:

      Never usually agree with you but that’s true. Hetero relationships are just as messed up.

      Dec 31, 2011 at 3:37 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Interesting
      Interesting

      @Anne: most don’t. Some do. the transference of the gender issues are big in the gay community because its really the basis of where homophobia derives. it comes from hatred of women. and the follows up with gender roles. the fact that insertion is considered “negative” is a clear sign of that.

      Dec 31, 2011 at 4:54 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Matt
      Matt

      @Kylew:

      I understand that you want to discuss more substantive issues and I agree, but just because some moron makes a crackpot theory does not make it worthy of discussion. I mean the guy comes right off of the bat saying that “the [male] brain is taught to accept as valid all behaviors that are associated with masculinity and strength.” This is dumb 1950s gender role BS and both you and Paul Angelo seem to be in love with Evo Psych which is a bullshit field to begin with. It is plain is day that a lot of men are not driven to only accept masculine behavior. The type of “theories” that laymen come up with spouting out stupid stuff about human behavior and gorillas etc is about as valid as some stoner discussing “philosophy.”

      This idiot has no science to support his argument and nothing of any substance to discuss, this discussion is even less useful than discussing whether or not Taylor Lautner is gay because there’s at least a remote chance that it’s true. Even if this crackpot theory was true (it’s not) NO ONE is going to stop bottoming because of some theoretical reduction in self-esteem that has not even been observed in real life.

      Dec 31, 2011 at 5:05 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Matt
      Matt

      And why in god’s name would he specifically say “gay men over 40″ when making his recommendation to stop having sex. This guy seems like another snake oil salesman peddling fake remedies to nonexistent problems.

      Dec 31, 2011 at 5:08 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Interesting
      Interesting

      @Anne: By the way, his anti-women rant gets in the way of a really good point that he could be making: The focus on sex harms the ability of gay men to find meaningful relationships. There’s a difference between sex being an integral part of relationship finding, and sex being, as it is too often, especially online, the sole focus of interaction. The gay world is in the process of change, even in NYC where I live. There are just fewer outlets as we become homogenized for finding men. Those places that do exist online are often highly sexualized or treated as McDating where everyone is looking for perfection. That’s a real discussion to be had. Instead, it gets lost under the anti-women bullshit. It gets lost under effeminophobia, etc. So,while I think- may be he’s trying to have that discussion, he goes off on some rather absurd arguments about penetration defining those issues. So, there is a need for the gay community at large to start to ask itself- is the focus on sex a good thing? You and your husband, I imagine, within the norm of heterosexual meeting each other did not immediately make it all about the sex. or whether each other were perfect, and perfect here means “looks like a 20 year old white twink is has a PhD and is a sex machine and no sense of himself other than what I want”

      Dec 31, 2011 at 5:08 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Interesting
      Interesting

      @Cam: There is a time and place to be angry. And there’s a time where its just baggage that adds nothing. You are in the context of the person posting her feelings engaged in the later. She’s saying her impression of the particular article. She asks if this is really true. Why do you feel the need to attack her for not knowing these things? Your anger seems to grow out of “well she should know” Why? She’s in the majority. The majority rarely knows the life of a minority. That’s why others explained it rather than being rude about it. You might want to try that approach.

      Dec 31, 2011 at 5:12 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Anne
      Anne

      @Cam: Let me apologize, I will admit after rereading my post that I did generalize. I should have asked if it was true that some (not all) gay men truly looked down on their sex partners. I also will admit that there are some heterosexual men who are sexist and abusive to women, however, I never knew that there existed this “top” vs. “bottom” dynamic within the gay male community. I think that upon further reflection it’s probably more a projection of societal homophobia aimed at other gay men by SOME gay men. I suppose it’s alot easier for heterosexual couples since biology has already dictated who will do what (though of course I know that some hetero couples do engage in anal intercourse). I really hope that this attitude isn’t widespread within the gay culture, because that would be truly sad.

      Dec 31, 2011 at 5:24 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Interesting
      Interesting

      @Anne: Here:

      “While conservative churches are busy trying to whip up another round of culture wars over same-sex marriage, Rodriguez says the real reason for their panic lies elsewhere: the breakdown of the traditional heterosexual family and the shifting role of women in society and the church itself. As the American family fractures and the majority of women choose to live without men, churches are losing their grip on power and scapegoating gays and lesbians for their failures.”

      http://www.salon.com/2008/11/25/proposition_8_religion/

      When you think about it, even the most liberal estimates, places gays at 10 percent of the population. So, most of the virulence, at its root can not be coming out of simply hatred of gays, although it plays a big part too. It comes out of what else is feared. The what else is that they fear that by saying gays are okay, that means that control over straight women is lessened. That’s why the comment is so fucked up. The writer discussing being a bottom is projecting all the worst shit that heterosexuals and conservative Christians project onto gays. When they say we are a “threat to marriage” they are not discussing gays getting married, but that you , as a woman, and heterosexual marriage in general is losing its traditional roles.

      In fact, when Prop8 passed, a CNN panel of religious leaders had them discussing gay marriage, and yet, it kept shifting back to the religious leaders fears about women and heterosexuals getting married.

      So, deep down , women are a part of this battle. On top of that, as someone wrote at JMG, if you scratch a homophobe, a mysogynist often bleeds. This is the relationship between how the genders are “supposed” to work that’s even deeper embedded into our collective dysfunction as a society. This guy, and some gays, dredge this up in different ways since we aren’t straight.

      I once dated a Latino guy, who, when I discussed it with him, said that it was okay for him to cheat because he was “the man” in his relationship, but the other guy couldn’t. The implications being that the other guy, I suppose, was a bottom. What he was doing there was taking the straight Latin machismo that he grew up with, and transferring it to the gay setting. He was an out, proud gay man. And, yet, deep down, he had all this baggage about his sexual orientation that he retained from seeing heterosexuality play itself out in his immediate family.

      Here’s an article linking homophobia to misogyny:

      “There is a marked tendency in all the sources of Christian tradition to condemn sodomy in terms of a man “playing the role of a woman” with another man or using another man “like woman.” This has led to the cultural tradition of respecting the man who plays the active role of penetration in male homo- sexual activity and despising the man who plays the passive role of receiver. This tradition is still strong, especially in Latino culture.”

      http://www.dignityusa.org/content/misogyny-and-homophobia

      Nor is it unique to Latino cultures. You see it across cultures and societies. Indeed, you can see the same in other Abraham influenced religions like in Muslim culture where if someone is a top, they are not gay. There are similar views under Jewish laws. There was a NY Time article on this a few years back, but I can’t find it.

      Dec 31, 2011 at 5:53 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Cam
      Cam

      @Interesting: said…

      “@Cam: There is a time and place to be angry. And there’s a time where its just baggage that adds nothing. You are in the context of the person posting her feelings engaged in the later. She’s saying her impression of the particular article. She asks if this is really true. Why do you feel the need to attack her for not knowing these things?”
      _______________________

      What I find amusing is that you are defending her comments and attacking me for mine. What you seem to have missed is that I basically pasted her exact comment and merely changed the subject of it.

      You claim that people here are being anti-women…and yet you are desperate to claim anti-women bias in a comment directed at her, but not anti-gay bias in her comment with the exact same wording.

      AS for your attacks on me stating that my comment was non-instructive I will point to Her own response…”@Cam: Let me apologize, I will admit after rereading my post that I did generalize.”

      Funny, my post was so non instructive, angry and anti woman that the person I directed it at…..reread her own post and saw it in a new light. I used the same language on her she used on us and it woke her up to how her pose could be perceived.

      How sadly desperate you are to attack people who don’t conform to your academic self indulgence. I hope that you can raise your head above the mist once in a while and try to actually engage the real world. I think you will find it instructive.

      Dec 31, 2011 at 8:32 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Interesting
      Interesting

      @Cam: My problem with you has nothing to do with whether you were right or wrong about the subject matter. It has to do with your general bad attitude even when is not justified. Anyway, that was a freebie present to you. good luck in the new year. I am headed out.

      Dec 31, 2011 at 9:37 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • ewe
      ewe

      And i thought only stupid straight guys found their masculinity off a sitcom. This guy proves equal opportunity.

      Dec 31, 2011 at 10:00 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Jeff Lassiter
      Jeff Lassiter

      Dude used to live in Chicago. I hooked up with him a couple times. He’s weird and kinda creepy, and has changed his last name a hundred times since then. Also his business. Was a trainer when I met him, then a motivational speaker, then a pitchman, now this…? I still have a few drawings I did of him. Nice body, but totally selfish in bed.

      Dec 31, 2011 at 10:09 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Jeff Lassiter
      Jeff Lassiter

      Oh yeah, and a bottom!

      Dec 31, 2011 at 10:10 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Jeff Lassiter
      Jeff Lassiter

      @ChiDude: I posted my comments before I read yours! What a weirdo, huh?

      Dec 31, 2011 at 10:20 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • garry
      garry

      Hey, you gotta hand it to Paul. He makes his living selling ‘self-esteem’ enhancement to over-40 gays who are solvent but dissatisfied. So it’s essential to offer up some theory and instructions for rectifying that empty feeling; gotta give the punters something for their money, right?
      But what alot of nonsense! I was a ‘total top,’ never bottomed until I was 50 and I’m telling you: it’s great! I’ve never been happier, never had better self-esteem, never felt more like a man in every sense of that word. Paul Angelo, sadly,has little to offer except snake oil and dime-store psychology. Caveat emptor, guys!

      Jan 1, 2012 at 12:30 am · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Storm
      Storm

      @Kylew: Actually, in scientific terms, this does not rate as a “theory, For something to be deemed a “theory” it must already be supported with a certain amount of research and rigorous observable fact. At best, a generous person might call this a “hypothesis,” an idea which has not yet been subjected to honest research. Most of us would simply call it “conjecture,” which would still be charitable. What it really appears to be is yet another attempt, – conscious or unconscious, of course – to divide gay men and to create some sort of hierarchy with a dollop of psycho-babble to make it all sound reasonable. Much as Christians try to convince the world that all gay men are the result of childhood abuse, Mr. Anthony now tries to convince us that all bottoms suffer self-esteem issues that could all be made better with a sixty-day moratorium. If he had any counseling or psychological degree, we’d call this “quackery.” No doubt, Anthony considers himself a “top,” and therefore at the pinnacle of his self-imagined hierarchy. I suspect, however, that with very little effort any number of us on this board could send him running home to mama with his self-image down aroun his shoes.

      Jan 1, 2012 at 4:10 am · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Real Talk
      Real Talk

      Any gay men who opposes or looks at bottoms as their inferrior is harboring MILITANT homophobia. Any gay men who actually thinks because they top they are somehow better than bottoms is a delusional, sad, disturbing soul with complex Daddy issues that need ironing out. GET HELP…pronto!

      Jan 1, 2012 at 6:23 am · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Jackson G.
      Jackson G.

      To a gay ‘Top’ who thinks they are less gay and more of a man because you Top. To any gay man who thinks they are a better gay because you are “straight ACTING” and less offensive than fem gays. Top any ‘straight ACTING’ Top who thinks you’re more accepted by hetero society….you are certifiable and need to join the Bachman ex gay therapy program already. Just get it over with. But always remember, no matter how hetero fixated you are, and how hetero you act, and how much you adopt the male hetero ‘role’ in the sack….you’ll always be a fan of the cocsickle. You’ll always love the c-ck. But the difference between you and a proud bottom is the bottom is comfortable in their skin. You’ll always be a sell out who is just going through the motions in this world with a major self hating identity crisis. Off to conversion therapy you go.

      Jan 1, 2012 at 6:29 am · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Kylew
      Kylew

      @Interesting: You make many interesting points, but I think that the problem here is in thinking in terms of superior and inferior, which is exactly the same mistake that feminists often fall into. I think that dominant and submissive, or passive and dominant are better terms to describe the psycho relationships.

      When one tries to deny the existence of ANY difference in emotional posture between tops and bottoms, it is the same as feminists who try to claim that women are COMPLETELY equal, when in many areas, that’s complete nonsense.

      Of course, people can point out that there are aggressive bottoms, and guys who simply enjoy being fucked more than fucking, but to write off a million years of what may even be genetic conditioning (just throwing it out there), and certainly 10’s of thousands of years of social conditioning as simply reinforcing prejudiced gender roles is to ignore other aspects entirely.

      Passivity and dominance during coitus doubtless mirror a lot of more fundamental factors to do with physical strength, the ability to protect and provide, a recognition of the quality of the genes, and status within the tribal group. The fact that none of these factors is an issue now that we have largely broadened our selection criteria of partners to include personality and intellect, does not mean that on a subconscious level, factors such as looks and physical strength (or the dominant position that it enables) do not still play into the subconscious. Even though homosexuals are not selecting mates for reproduction, coitus is what I would consider to be a primal activity, and on one level, it brings us much closer to our animal selves than say, having a conversation.

      As an interesting aside, did you know that the leaders of the Teutonic tribes (and others I believe) used to offer themselves up to be sodomised when accepting defeat or unfavourable treaties? I don’t know if this is because being used like a woman was the issue, or simply being used at all, but I found that a fascinating insight.

      I’m not saying that perhaps it’s not time for everyone to reconsider issues of dominance and submission/passivity. Perhaps they are still useful dynamics – like having one ultimate argument settler with power of veto over all others. Or perhaps everyone is evolved enough to exist with complete emotional and intellectual equality. Personally, I think that society is currently descending towards chaos with more childish, self-focussed bickering and disharmony than at any other time, so if that’s what equality and emotional liberation gets you, perhaps we SHOULD all move back a few steps…

      Jan 1, 2012 at 8:20 am · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • timncguy
      timncguy

      Isn’t true that most gay men are actually versatile and there really aren’t that many “total” tops or bottoms out there. I personally don’t understand why anyone wouldn’t want to enjoy both positions.

      Jan 1, 2012 at 8:33 am · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Kylew
      Kylew

      @Storm: Actually, I would dispute that there is no evidence to support this theory, and to dismiss his theory as psychobabble is to trivialise something that may raise important issues.

      I would suggest that there is plenty of evidence to associate personality types with the role that they adopt in the bedroom, and there is plenty of evidence to show that accepting habitual submissive roles with relation to another human being can be detrimental to one’s ego.

      Whether this evidence directly bears upon this situation or not is the question, and personally, I don’t see how it cannot. That then requires the question, if it does bear, then to what extent, and is it detrimental?

      Jan 1, 2012 at 8:34 am · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Tackle
      Tackle

      This is a interesting topic. And since it has eliments of top/bottom dynamics, let me say, we are so far behind most Europein gays in terms of this top and bottom thing. I do business in Europe. And the one of many things I noticed, is that there is less of a hang-up involving whoes on top/bottom. This is definately more of an American psychological hierarchy.
      I’m gonna be in the minority here, but If anything, I see bottming as being the more dominant act.

      The whole psycological mindset of tops (some) looking down on bottoms is new. I don’t recal this type of behavior being as prevalent until the late 1980s

      That being said, to any top who thinks thinks because he’s topping he’s somehow more of a man. Well your not. You are immature, insecure and are carrying with-in, deep rooted homophobia. That you definately need to work on. And if there is a desire to be accepted by the mainstreem society because you deem yourself less gay baised upon a sex act, I got news for you. Whether fucking or getting fucked, most of society will still put it all in the same boat, disgusting. In fact we don’t even have to go that far. Just the thought of two men kissing is too much for many to handle.

      Jan 1, 2012 at 10:00 am · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • MartinDK
      MartinDK

      @Kylew: You state that you are an alpha male and draw comparisons to gorillas… Id say you are either a psychopath or have very serious issues with asserting yourself since it is so central for you to show your dominance.

      Did it ever occur to you to wonder why humans an not gorillas are Masters of the earth and why the gorilla is near extincion??
      Perhaps modelling human society on gorilla social life isnt that great an idea…

      With regard to the absurd conjecture that it is harmful for gay mens self-esteem or ability to assert themselves if they take up a “feminine” position during sex because it harms their masculinity in an unconscious way (how practical that it should be unconscious, now 99,5% of people cannot produce arguments against the nonsense…) becuase feminine behaviour interferes with with proper masculine behaviour, I can only say this: Did any of you pseudobiologists ever hear about the ANIMA as an integral part of the male collective unconscious?
      It will be quite shocking for you alpha males to hear that you all have an autonomous woman inside your heads, who can easily boss your fragile ego-consciousness around any time she really wants… ( anima possession, google it guys, i dont waste my life explaining science to gorillas).
      The Anima is likely the source of creativity which is an indispensable part of innovation, which also incidentally is what the gorilla really lacks in its competition with humans.
      Stupid traditional macho gorilla norms about what constitutes masculine behaviour lead many males to feel insecure about this inherent femininity which again leads to suppression and the formation of psychological complexes which again is a source of unhappiness alcoholism, abuse, depression and suicide.

      Living a full happy life requires the development of psycological wholeness in which subconsciousness and consciousness integrate as a whole, the process which Carl Jung calls individuation (from indivisibility).

      I guess anglo-american top/bottom terminology leads feeble minds to think that worth is somehow implicit in the role. Germannic active/passive not so easily misleads.

      Just to avoid any wrong inferrences from being drawn then out of bed I make more than 200.000 USD a year, I own my own business and I try to manage my employees with respect which is usually rewarded with loyalty. I am very confident and will never yield to anything in which I do not concur. This is assertive behaviour as opposed to dominant behaviour. I look masculine, and i act not appreciably different from most other males.
      In bed, I am a bottom mostly; I love to please my partner which really gets me off. I looove to wrestle in bed for control and feel another guy desiring me and WTF is wrong with that??

      Human beings are very complex psychologically and contain feminine and masculine traits whether they are male or female. These traits come to expression in different ways in different people.
      Psychological complexes are often at the root of the behaviour we witness and men and women often have various mother complexes that regulates behaviour (i.e. Don Juan straight male complex and homosexuality for males and various female mother complexes that can explain why some women become nothing else but mothers and why some take up competion with men in male dominated areas such as CEOs etc)

      @Anne:Thank you for your totally appropriate comment. It is sad to see the lack of respect some people evidently have for their partners and for women…

      Jan 1, 2012 at 12:01 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • the other Greg
      the other Greg

      This is a misogynist, self-hating-homophobic belief.

      and yet…

      It’s a self-fulfilling prophesy, IF you believe it.

      If a gay man seriously believes this kind of bullshit, he is indeed likely to suffer the deleterious effects in the rest of his life that Angelo describes. Angelo has more or less correctly (if inadvertently) identified the self-fulfilling prophesy. The problem is that he wants desperately to misinterpret it as scientific fact. As does “kylew,” from the top side.

      If you like to bottom, it’s important to be aware of the belief. Don’t fall for it.

      @MartinDK: It’s great that somebody FINALLY brought up Carl Jung! Thanks.

      Jan 1, 2012 at 2:18 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Cam
      Cam

      @Interesting: said…

      “@Cam: My problem with you has nothing to do with whether you were right or wrong about the subject matter. It has to do with your general bad attitude even when is not justified.”
      __________________________-

      Once again, I took the exact same sentance she posted, switched gay men to women, and yet the exact same statement from me was supposedly anti-woman while in your eyes the statement from her was legit.

      You have shown your obvious bias. Additionally the fact that she responded to my comment favorably while ignoring yours would seem to be what really upset your childish world.

      Jan 1, 2012 at 2:28 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Kurt
      Kurt

      This guy is an idiot. I could introduce him to A LOT of tops who are into raw or bareback sex, who can’t have a healthy relationship with anyone and who don’t even like themselves, and who have major issues and are drama queens.

      Jan 1, 2012 at 2:37 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • redball
      redball

      let’s get down to brass tacks:

      1) IS HE A TOP?
      1a) If so, how does he have fulfilling committed relationships with ANY BOTTOM if he believes they are lesser than & suffer from low self-esteem?

      2) What a joke of a matchmaker! What kind of gay man would seek professional advice–and pay top dollar, I’m sure–from someone like this?

      Jan 1, 2012 at 6:02 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • redball
      redball

      @Tackle: Fascinating. Would you say a much higher proportion of European gay men are versatile compared to American gays?

      My fiance & I are both vers and we wouldn’t have it ANY other way. Endless possibilities in the bedroom ;-)

      Jan 1, 2012 at 6:06 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Shannon1981
      Shannon1981

      I don’t think this guys is completely off. Now, I know he is a gay man, talking about gay men…but here’s how it feels from a gay woman’s POV.

      I’m a top. Nothing makes me hotter than strapping it on and throwing her legs over my shoulders and driving her crazy. Complete domination. However, I learned to bottom, and will, for the right woman.

      But it has nothing to do with looking down on her as a person, or as a bed partner. It’s just the roles we play.

      I somehow think that, no matter how much we defy society’s gender norms on the surface, we, as homosexuals still follow them to a degree. Fascinating, isn’t it?

      Jan 1, 2012 at 8:23 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Shannon1981
      Shannon1981

      Adding…I still think this guy has some deep seated homophobia and misogyny he needs to address. He doesn’t need to be seeking a relationship with anyone but a therapist, and nor does anyone who thinks bottoming is degrading. I am a top because it’s what I prefer, not because I look down on bottoms.

      Jan 1, 2012 at 8:33 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Hichi
      Hichi

      Unless gay men stop looking down upon other gay men, like fem gays, like bottoms, like gays who aren’t taking roids and sleeping at the gym….then equality will NEVER be attainable, nor is it deserved. Gays love to talk about homophobia by heteros, but the most frequent form of homophobia is by gays themselves. There’s many self hating “straight acting” type gays who belittle feminine gays or gays who don’t put up a masculine front like them. Heteros see that and feel sorry for those self haters. Until the community learns to embrace all people who are of value and kind, compassionate souls- regardless of their mannerisms or preferences in the bedroom, then the community will NOT attain equality and doesn’t deserve it either.

      Time for some in the gay community to go inward and stop demanding others respect them, when they can’t even respect some members in their own community.

      Jan 1, 2012 at 8:53 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • TASTEY GOODIES
      TASTEY GOODIES

      KONICHIWA, HICHI! EVEYTHING YOU STATED IS SOOOO TRUE! THE ONLY WAY FOR A PERSON TO ACCEPT OTHER PEOPLE IS TO ACCEPT ONESELF FIRST- ENTIRELY. IT ALWAYS STARTS W/ ONESELF. HEY, SHANNON! LONG TIME, NO COMMENT, GIRL. I KNOW YOU’VE BEEN BUSY. I HAVE- SORT OF. MY FATHER-IN-LAW PASSED ON DEC 12 FROM COMPLICATIONS OF PANCREATIC CANCER. HE WAS ONLY 60. JUST 19 DAYS SHY OF HIS 61ST BDAY.

      Jan 1, 2012 at 11:16 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Shannon1981
      Shannon1981

      @TASTEY GOODIES: Hey, yeah, just graduated! I promise to try to spend more time here. The gf and I are moving March 1st! San Francisco, here we come!

      My condolences about your father. How are you doing?

      Jan 1, 2012 at 11:23 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • axon
      axon

      Haha – this is so dumb it’s entertaining! Try telling a straight woman who likes sex that her mind is “submissive”. I don’t think so. And following that, she shouldn’t like to move forward in her profession either?

      This whole theory makes me think of the things they taught terrified boys in the old days: Keep your hands away from a certain area or your brain will melt, and you will become pale, anemic and shaky!

      Jan 1, 2012 at 11:26 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • TASTEY GOODIES
      TASTEY GOODIES

      TO GET TO THE SUBJECT MATTER AT HAND, I AM NO STRANGER 2 THE MASC. AND FEM. DICHOTOMY. I LOVE DRESSING AND BEING FEMME WHEN I FEEL THAT FEMALE ENERGY NEEDS 2 BE XPRESSED. OTHER TIMES I LOVE BEING MASCULINE. WEARING TRADITIONAL MENS’ CLOTHING, SHOES, TIES, COLOGNE, BOXERS, SHIRTS, CUFFLINKS, ETC. IS A REAL TURN-ON FOR ME ( TRANSVESTITE) WHILE SIMULTANEOUSLY BEING A TOP (MOSTLY) GAY IDENTIFIED FEMALE W/ STRONG INTERNAL MASCULINE ENERGY AND BEING EXTREMELY COMFORTABLE EXPRESSING THAT ENERGY. BEING GENDER FLUID AFFORDS ME TO BE MORE DIVERSE WITH PERSONAL RELATIONSHIPS AND A BETTER ABILITY 2 RELATE TO BOTH SEXES AND ALL THE DIVERSE GLBT PEOPLE. WHY? BECAUSE I EMBRACE ALL MY MANY FACETS OF WHO I AM. ACCEPT, LOVE, AND EMBRACE YOURSELVES AND EACH OTHER, MY FELLOW RAINBOW BROS AND SISTAS. LOVE AND PEACE 2 ALL IN 2012! MAY THIS BE THE YEAR OF THE RAINBOW PEOPLE! OR IS IT THE YEAR OF THE QUEER? HEY, ONE MUST ADMIT IT DOES RHYME. NO OFFENSE INTENDED.

      Jan 1, 2012 at 11:53 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Tackle
      Tackle

      @ redball: Thanks. Yes I would definately say a higher proprotion of European are versatile (with a lean toward bottoming) compared to American gay men. Even amoung thoes who may lean more toward the top role, there is not this false sense of gay macho hierarchy that seems to be more prevalent with American gay men. It just seems that in top/bottom, it’s all sex and were all men eqaully. But who knows how long this mindset will hold-up in Europe. America is a very influential country. That can export good and bad habits abroad.

      On a side note, I mentioned about this behavior not being as prevalent until the late 1980s. Well I recal reading an artical from a gay writer about twelve yrs ago. And he traced the orgins of this behavior to the mid to late 80s via gay Amreican porn. He stated mid to late 80s in porn gave us Jeff Stryker, Ryan Idol and Rex Chandeler. Porn actors who would only top on screen. And the agents behind there actors, marketed them as straight acting(I hate that term) hyper masculine, dominat men. This type of behavior filtered out into the larger gay community. Whereas before that, porn stars like Al Parker and others top and bottomed on screened. I believe this writer has a point.

      Jan 1, 2012 at 11:54 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • axon
      axon

      Now I’ve read more comments. I agree with ABS that the underlying not really defined or proven theory here is indeed that, in heterosex and otherwise, male=dominant and active, and female=submissive and passive. This in itself is wrong, which I would like to point out to Kylew.

      Like Anne, I’m a heterosexual woman, and I have never felt that those assumptions are even close to reality. It doesn’t matter if you as a woman are on top or the man is on top, you feel neither submissive, nor passive. Maybe this is because the female mind is not as hierarchal as the male. Kylew vividly describes how he thinks lying prone without eye contact must make you feel the other person is in control, but that is not necessarily the case at all. You can also feel the other person is servicing you, tending to your wishes!

      To complicate matters further, let’s bring the bonobos in. They are a kind of chimps, with a very active sex life, both gay and straight and often face-to-face, as opposed to gorillas and other chimps. And they are far less aggressive, they make love rather than war. :)

      So yes, this man’s quite elaborate theory seems to stem from personal doubts and home-made ideas about the male and female mind, and he has really nothing to support them, except the gender based discrimination and pecking order that, as I understand, have somehow entered the gay world.

      Jan 2, 2012 at 12:04 am · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • TASTEY GOODIES
      TASTEY GOODIES

      HEY, SHANNON. SO GLAD YOU GRADUATED. MY CONGRATS! EMOTIONALLY, I AM DOING OK, BUT I DO HAVE MY MOMENTS OF MOURNIING. SO GLAD YOU HAVE A GF. NOW I JUST NEED 2 GET ONE. I NEEDED ONE LIKE AT LEAST 2 YRS AGO. STILL PINING AWAY. EVER HOPEFUL AND YET SO FORLORN.

      Jan 2, 2012 at 12:07 am · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Shannon1981
      Shannon1981

      @TASTEY GOODIES: Awww you’ll find someone. Never give up hope…

      Jan 2, 2012 at 12:08 am · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Shannon1981
      Shannon1981

      @TASTEY GOODIES: You and I are on the same page, re: gender fluid tops. Unfortunately, I, too, am no stranger to the gender dichotomy. I never femme, always completely androgynous. However, for the most part, I am a total top.

      You know, one of my fave things about being queer has always been the lack of rules when it comes to relationship rules and gender expression. However, in this push for equality, we have tried to make the heterosexual community think we are just like them. In a lot of ways we are, but it saddens me to think we are taking the bad with the good. I personally refuse to buy into that bullshit, though. We’re queer. Let’s act like it and stop trying to be some farce of imitation heterosexuals in our relationships.

      Jan 2, 2012 at 12:13 am · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • TASTEY GOODIES
      TASTEY GOODIES

      THANX, CHICLET! I NEED ALL THE POS SUPPORT RIGHT NOW DURING THESE EMOTIONALLY TURBULENT TIMES. XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOOXOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOXOOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOOXOOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOOXOXOXOXOXOOXOXOXOXOOXOXOXOXOOXOXOXOXOXOXOOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOOXOXOXOXXOOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOOXOXOXOXOXOOXOXOXOXOXOOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOOXXOXOOXOXOXOXOXOXXOOXOXOXXOOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOOXOXXOXOXOOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOOXOXOXOXOXXOOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXXOXOOXOXOXOXOXOXXOXOXOOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXXOOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOOXOXOXOOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOOXOXOXOXOXOXOOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOOXOXOXOXOXOOXOOXOXXOXXOXOXXOXOXOXOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOOXOXXOXOOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOOXOXOXOXOOXOXOXOXOXOOXOXXO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

      Jan 2, 2012 at 12:15 am · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Shannon1981
      Shannon1981

      @TASTEY GOODIES: You are very sweet, and I have every confidence you will be just fine. xoxoxoxoxo

      Jan 2, 2012 at 12:19 am · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • TASTEY GOODIES
      TASTEY GOODIES

      SHANNON, WE’RE HERE, WE’RE QUEER, AND SOOOOO PROUD OF IT!XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOX. LOVE N HUGS. XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOX. MORE LURV. XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOX.MORE HUGS. XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

      Jan 2, 2012 at 12:24 am · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Shannon1981
      Shannon1981

      @TASTEY GOODIES: Awwww you always bring the warm fuzzies!
      xoxoxox

      Jan 2, 2012 at 12:26 am · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Shannon1981
      Shannon1981

      @axon: I think the fact that people are theorizing about this at all shows how much misogyny there still is in heterosexual culture, and now its dripping over into gay culture as well.

      Jan 2, 2012 at 12:49 am · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Simon
      Simon

      @Kylew:

      “@ASB: You make some interesting points, but I don’t think it’s that Angelo is trying to force men into gender roles; those roles already exist. SOME visitors to this site may think deeply about such things AND apply that to their lives and bedroom activities, but in the main, I suspect that gay men are no different to straight men, in their consideration of this subject, which is to say that they act as they feel – no more, no less. Sometimes they act masculine or dominant if the situation demands it (confrontation, sport or negotiation for instance), and other times they may be less masculine. But most are affected by their perceived gender role.”

      In giving the response you’ve given, I believe all you’ve done is proven the point made by the commenter to whom you’re responding. The fact of the matter is, the content of your response shows, very clearly, that you’ve bought into the established ideas of what is feminine and what is masculine… in addition to this, the point that you’ve tried to make very clearly shows the bias you hold that femininity is equal to weakness. In saying that 1) being the receiver in sexual acts is necessarily submissive, 2) submissiveness is inherently feminine, and 3) repeated submissive (/in your mind, feminine) stances in sexual acts leads to degradation of self esteem… you’re opening up a whole can of worms… Are you, by extension, implying that, as women are inherently relegated to the receiving/submissive role due to anatomy, that sex is by its very existence harmful to their psyches? If one follows the logic of your argument, that is the inevitable outcome. It might help to open your mind a bit and see that some of the assumptions you hold might be leading to your seemingly blind acceptance of this author’s claims.

      Jan 3, 2012 at 1:19 am · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • mgc94520
      mgc94520

      The same is true of SF and the bay area. There are more tops in Sacramento and in the smaller communities. Bottoms congregate to the big cities.

      Jul 21, 2012 at 4:46 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·

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