This aging thing is quite strange. I don’t want to generalize too much, but gay men worry about aging a lot more than other men, from what I can tell.
Youth is prized above all things — the beauty of youth — and I know a lot of gay men who are very, very obsessed with keeping young.
I don’t understand it in most of their cases. I think older men are super sexy. The ‘beauty of youth’ thing, I totally get that. But by God! I would not want to be where I was in my 20s. I was clueless!”
— John Grant discusses aging as a gay man — a theme on his acclaimed album Grey Tickles, Black Pressure — in an interview with NewNowNext
Jim Fields
after the life I have lived growing old is the last thing I worry about .. actually I have some worries but they have nothing to do with growing old ..I am happy to celebrate every birthday .. beats not being here
Sabrina Hauser
Not only gay men…
Nick Marriott
I have noticed that young,gay men will call you a,”Bitter Old Queen”,or ,”Old and ugly”,as a put down in a nano-second but our older gay friends will tell us how handsome we still are!…..’Don’t think I’m too bad for 50.Still,the youngins won’t realize how fast time flies and when they will be in more mature shoes……quicker than their worst nightmares!
eclecticstarz
Wise words and he is a fantastic artist as well, if you have not seen him live then try to soon. Amazing voice,
kevininbuffalo
I totally agree with him. One of the nice things about turning 60 is that I’ve become much more self accepting, I am what I am and it’s good. I’ve also learned to say f**k it to a lot of stuff that doesn’t matter and never did. Very freeing!
Jason Eric Klemm
This all bubbles down from Hollywood and the entertainment industries obsession with youth…..When you have John Stamos getting busted for DUI cause he’s taking drugs for weight loss (?) to Daniel Craig losing weight and looking gaunt to look young……It’s not just the gays…… However,It always amazes me that gays want to look like a 24 year old? Do you really want to date someone 20 years younger than you? Talk about Miley Cyrus over bagels in the morning? No thanks!
onthemark
If gay men were really THAT obsessed with looking young, they wouldn’t smoke at a rate over twice as high as straight men. If you want to look younger, stop fucking smoking. Forget about cancer, you’ll look younger!
@eclecticstarz: I’ve somehow never heard of him before, will check him out.
Doug Henry
Love the Grey Gay…!
The “Scene” is like High School… Go till you’ve Learnt all you need to know… Then LEAVE !
Don’t go back… For the Same Reasons.!
Life Begins AFTER The Scene!
Milton Appleby
There is ageism in all populations. But it is very apparent within the gay community. There is so superficiality. I can careless about aging and how I look. The most important things in your life should be what you do for yourself and others.
John Malin
The thing about aging is, if you ain’t doing it, you’re dead!
crowebobby
@Jason Eric Klemm: Make that 60 years younger than me. And
God yes!
bicurious
I suppose I can understand why a guy might not want to loose their hair and gain wrinkles. It is the gays with the Peter Pan syndrome who won’t grow up and remain juveniles in their thoughts, actions, activities, lack of willingness to take on adult responsibilities, etc. whom I can’t understand. I personally love getting older as I gain experiences and become ever more influential and powerful in my career.
AtticusBennett
my gay life got even better when i turned 30. as for losing my hair – i get more play now than i did as a muscled-twentysomething with a full head of hair. the sex is better, the guys are sexier and more interesting.
know what makes “getting older and gay harder”? only having an eye for youth, yourself.
i enjoyed my late teens. i had fun in my twenties. my thirties are, thus far, completely freaking incredible.
Sam Oropeza
Not all care about it. I don’t.
Ronnyboy
@Jason Eric Klemm: There are some older gay men that do it because it’s an affirmation that they’ve still got it. You’ve got the beautiful house, car, and naturally you want a young hot stud to show off to the world. It’s like a car with low miles and they want the privilege of being the first drivers.
The vast majority (if not all) of middle aged guys obsessed with twenty somethings have a stunted maturity though. Most have never had a gay relationship and they’re still stuck in high school lusting after the jocks that never gave them the time of day. It’s a sad life unless your a lance black or brian singer and have tons of money.
I learned a long time ago that you have to love yourself first. How can you expect others to love you if you hate yourself and your age?
Ronnyboy
@AtticusBennett: I hear what your saying. However, there’s going to come an age when you look around and all your peers are looking flabby and wrinkled ie allot less sexy. Forget about Dad bot body. What happens when you get into your 50/60s and beyond? 30s is when a man is considered in his prime.
Gary_Gans
I just turned 49, and I wonder where the time went. My advice to any gay man is love every day, and never let your life slide in complacency, because your perception is really a blink of an eye until you are 49. It happens so fast, and life happens so fast that you should love every moment of it. Don’t let habits or fears limit your full potential, and never let a good love go, as it doesn’t cross your path that often.
It will be eight years next month that I became disabled by an ultra-rare series of genetic disabilities, and yet, in spite of my almost completely white hair I look around at men, and I look far younger than they do! So much has changed in me, and my abilities have a few good days here and there, but what makes others recoil most is my disabilities. It’s a bitch, but I’m not willing to stop living. I know that everything is about perspective, and perhaps I will find intimate love in my life again. I do not think that I would want to go back in life and be in my early 20’s again. There has been pain that I might have avoided, or choices that I could’ve changed, but you learn to appreciate so much, and I like this perspective. It would be great to be without my disabilities, but the best part of life’s wisdom is if love does come to me I will know it.
I wish you all love.
Gary_Gans
@bicurious: I appreciate your comment, but I just had a question about what do you take as a nihilistic behaviour when you stated a disdain at the “lack of willingness to take on adult responsibilities.” What are these specific ‘responsibilities’?
Amaurys Arias
Insanely so.
ingyaom
“Youth without beauty always has attraction; beauty without youth has none.”
-from Schopenhauer’s “Metaphysics of Sexual Love”
Geoff B
I’m not worried. It’s going to happen wether we like it or not. I’m 42 and I’m fine with it. I don’t care what the “community” thinks. I have a great husband, a great family, and a great circle of friends. Don’the really give a steaming country dump what a group of people I don’t give a shit about thinks. Don’the care if I’m “cool” or “hot” enough for them. I get “the community” thinks I should be on the back of the bus, but IDGAF. I have two sweet ass cars and a cool truck too.
martinbakman
@Nick Marriott: The term I hear gay youngsters use about older gays is “scary”. That goes back to fear of growing old, I guess.
Alan David Smith
every thing is it’s own mixed bag. there are many things about my youth that i wish i could have changed. but now it is less and less what i care about. i have new and diffrent issues.
Patrick Cremeans
Everyone worries about aging. And in my opinion you can never worry too much about your body deteriorating and inching closing to death.
throwslikeagirl
I’m 66 and look 66. I feel marginalized by many, but mostly by gay men. They frequently shun me at social gatherings. I get the feeling they think I want to pick them up. I just want to be friendly. This started when I was about 45. The gay men at parties often stay in small groups that only include those south of 40.
Ageism exists. I have the same personality and thoughts and ideas I’ve always had, but sometimes these days, I get the feeling some younger folks don’t think I’m relevant. The worst is when it’s obvious people are being condescending to me. I don’t have dementia, guys!
Joe
Yes. I totally agree with him.
“I don’t understand it in most of their cases. I think older men are super sexy. The ‘beauty of youth’ thing, I totally get that. But by God! I would not want to be where I was in my 20s. I was clueless!”
I so agree with his quote on the above. Men are like fine wine, the older they get the better. I’ve never been fan of guys in their 20’s who look like they just came out of the womb.
alphacentauri
@Doug Henry: Very true. I very rarely go to gay or LGBT bars or dance clubs, and it’s because I outgrew them the way a lot of bi and gay men and LGBT people have.
Poncho Sanchez
According to pew research on a survey rating happiness, young men (18-29) are the least happy, and older men (over 65) are the most happy (see link)
http://www.pewsocialtrends.org/2006/02/13/are-we-happy-yet/26-3/
So youth doesn’t confer happiness, as the survey indicates. It’s irony at its’ best.
Me personally, I have never been attracted to the young twinks, always prefered the lumberjack.
GTT
When I was in my 20s and 30s I would totally ignore older gay men.
Now that I am in my 50s the same thing has happened to me [started in my mid to late 40s] even though I work out constantly. Karma.
GTT
PS – fortunately it just does not matter if I am desired by other gay men anymore – and I don’t go out to bars or clubs any longer. Its important to change your priorities as you age.
GTT
PSS – and I have never been happier.
DavidIntl
As one who is currently dating an amazing guy 30 years younger than me – and previously married to one 22 years younger – I suppose I am one of those that many of you like to deride here. And in a way, I envy you. My life would be so much easier if I had actually ever been attracted to a guy closer to my age. And no, I am not just talking about physical attraction. I am talking about attitudes and experiences. I love the outlook of a younger guy. Now, it is true that I am often frustrated by the rude dismissivenes of so many young guys toward older men – especially bearing in mind that unlike race and other markers of difference – ageing is a universal experience, and that judgmental twink will some day be in the same boat. But I also understand that attraction and discrimination are two different things. I can hardly criticise a 20-year-old for not being attracted to a 40-year-old, when I am not either.
Ronnyboy
@DavidIntl:”I am often frustrated by the rude dismissivenes of so many young guys toward older men”
Why do you think their rude and dismissive? It’s because they know all you want to do is get in their pants.
“Dating” young guys/kids at your age is not dating. It’s an obsession. Don’t dishonor those in real relationships with your little daddy/son game. Hopefully, one day you’ll grow up and stop living your peter pan life and you might earn yourself a little respect in the process.
DavidIntl
@Ronnyboy: That is both inaccurate and unfair. I am not at all about ‘just getting into their pants’. If anything, in my experience the greatest frustration with dating young men is that so many are only focused on meaningless sex, whereas I am looking for a more meaningful, lasting relationship. I was, after all, married to the previous guy, as I mentioned, so it is hardly a game for me.
notevenwrong
It is such a false equivalence in the quote “I would not want to be where I was in my 20s. I was clueless!”
Nobody wants to look young AND be clueless again. They just want to look young.
DavidIntl
@notevenwrong: Yes and no. I don’t know about ‘clueless’ – I don’t think I was particularly clueless back then. But I would love to be able to go back to the innocence of my youth and do it all over again, in the new environment that we have today. A time when being gay doesn’t mean you will surely die a horrible death, and you can actually take your high school sweetheart as your date to the prom, and dream about getting married and having a family – with your friends and family and most of society supporting you all the way.
GQ83
@AtticusBennett: I totally agree with you dude. I’m 32 and tend to look at guys older than myself but my 30’s have been the best by far. 🙂
bicurious
@Gary_Gans: Hi Gary-Gans, I think “disdain” is putting it a little too strongly. I don’t care that much about what other people do with their lives, but I do check in with myself all the time to make sure I am making the most of my own life. Several of my really good friends died in the 90’s. They didn’t get to live long enough to become what I consider adults. I suppose it does annoy me to see peter pan gays wasting the time they are so luck to have on trifling stuff.
To me an adult is someone who works hard at something they love, who prepares for their future and their present, and does something to care for other people. To me that means having my own business, owning my own home, living within my means, and taking very seriously my responsibility to the people who work with me and their families.
The type of gay I don’t consider a full adult is the sort who is maybe in their 50’s, is still living in the rent controlled WeHo apartment they first moved into in their 20’s with no plans to move and only worries about what will happen if they are someday forced to. They have a job they don’t really care about and since their living expenses are subsidized by their landlord they never needed to hustle at work to advance in a career. Instead of investing in their future they spend their money on expensive clothes and expensive kitsch for their cheap apartment. Instead of exercising their mind through books and travel and intelligent conversation they go to the gym to work on their pecs and ass. Instead of giving back to others some way, somehow they go to the beach in the day and the bars at night.
NoCagada
You either get old or you die. If you’re REALLY lucky, you get both.
john.k
@NoCagada: Yes indeed. AS someone said “growing old is fine when you consider the alternative”.