What did your parents say when you came out?
It’s amazing how pivotal a moment it is to finally share your true self with the people who brought you into the world, and their reaction can either affirm faith in love or cause serious emotional bruising.
Any good coming out advice urges patience. Attitudes shift, evolve and grow. Just look at Hillary Clinton!
Related: Seven TV Episodes That Teach Parents How To React To Their Kids’ Coming Out
How about we take this to the next level?
Our newsletter is like a refreshing cocktail (or mocktail) of LGBTQ+ entertainment and pop culture, served up with a side of eye-candy.
We wanted to turn the tables and hear what parents really think about their kids coming out, so Whisper combed through the stacks to find some revealing messages.
Some break our hearts, but more often than not it seems like love prevails even in the face of prejudice:
Lewis Kinslayer
Mine did a long time before I came out to her. Even more so when I had to tell her I was gay. Let’s just say that it wasn’t great.
Jamie Bensson
I’m a gay dad and my when my son came out I was totally shocked like really surprised but I just shrugged it off, gave him the biggest bear hug ever and told him I love him no matter what 🙂 he’s been with his boyfriend for 5 years now (16-21) and he’s lived with us for all that time and I couldn’t be happier for them (I just hope they have some kids as I’m itching to be a granddad!) x
Xzamilio
Jeez… that second one looked straight out of a Russell Tovey playbook. Remember him? He was on that show that no one watched but was shown on here constantly. He’s fucking hot though… dumbo ears, a constant look on face like he can’t count to 10, and a nice body made for no-talky-just-fucky.
Some of these were uplifting, but those that were all “I can accept it, but don’t bring any guys around”… yeah, not only do you NOT accept it, you’re one of those idiots that wants to pretend it’s not real. Fuck your kind of ignorance, because it is willful and detrimental — at the risk of being hyperbolic.
bottom250
My mom and Daddy sat me down and told me it was ok for me to be gay when I was very little. They new I was gay by my very effeminate ways as a small child. They are amazing people and I love them so much.
Tab-Eric Varney
Coming out to my mother in 1988 was disastrous, and our relationship was strained for a while. But now, after all these years, she’s more enlightened and open-minded, and we’re really great. She loves me unconditionally and wishes me nothing but happiness. So, people do change, and for the better. (y)
Will Glitzern
I told a high school counselor in 1984. Eight years later, I told my dad, and he said they already knew because the counselor was concerned about me. My parents never confronted me about it–that’s how taboo a subject it was. But they also never held it against me.
Brandon Evans
I came out to mine when i was 19, they were fine with it, no problems..yet as i get older and slowly express myself more, my friends and i have noticed they my parents have begun pushing back, against it..so not kind of stuck in a awkward situation, before i didn’t really “show” any signs and now i am.lol they do not like it much
Jim DelRae
I never came out.. I just continued being me.
Glücklich
@Jim DelRae:
Same here. My life speaks for itself.
My parents weren’t thrilled the first time I went away with someone for the weekend and I came back with photos of me at the beach with a *guy* fifteen years my senior but what are you gonna do?
He’s now the friend I’ve had the longest and my mother occasionally asks how he’s doing.
Halina Tantau
my son is gay and I am so happy for him !!! I am the happiest mum in the UNIVERSES ! love and love only matter and that is it . LOVE .
Harlan Smith
Yes and some fail the test….
Desert Boy
Parents are humans. Some react well, accepting and loving. Others have a greater challenge. When religion is added to the mix, it can be a long haul. The Baby Jebus can really fuck things up.
Ian Simpson
I can still remeber the first words my mum said. But i always wanted grandkids from you.
Timothy Lee Dock Moore
First I don’t care how religious someone is , I don’t see turning you own child away – BUT for those who have parents or relatives or friends that do , and they want to say ” cause it’s against God and that bible !”-which is a load of crock by the way. The bible has been mis interpreted through the thousands of years . But tell them 1 Timothy 5:8 !!!! It says that any family (parent) that turns away their child for any reason is worse than any other offender !!!
jcrascal
It was a somewhat long & rocky road. My mom, a strict Catholic, didn’t want me associating with “those people.” My dad burst into my bedroom at around midnight (my mom told him, I didn’t), & yelled for about 10 minutes. They grounded me shortly after that – I was allowed to go to school, my therapist, & the “Christian” youth group I had belonged to before I came out (they didn’t know I had been kicked out of it after coming out to THEM), and that was it. So I left home … For about 2 weeks. That settled things a bit.
Flash-forward 12 or so years – My mom met the man who would become my first husband, and told me privately “Hang on to this one, he’s a keeper!” Both my parents would end up referring to him as their son-in-law. When they died, he felt their loss as deeply as I did. Evolution is a wonderful thing! 😉
Terry Purdue
I came out to my parents at 19. Mom got quiet and Dad wouldn’t shut up. They questioned me for hours about what “turned me gay” I just said “I’ve known for a long time”
Later on I introuced them to my 1st boyfriend and they accepted him as one of the family. It’s been good after that
Wayne R Howard-williams
My family was homophobic and it has taken time to get to the point of where we are today. My one brother use to send abusive phone calls and messages to us. It was after 3 years or so my family really took notice of my husband. My 21 year old brother was the one who made the effort in getting to me bloke. My husband, ( as I like to call him), are getting married next month. I was heartbroken at first tha my family turned their backs are us but as I say a lot as passed. my family will be turning up to our wedding ceremony. The brother who did send messages of hate is more gay friendly.
McShane
@Xzamilio: LOL, at Tovey not being able to count.
Yeah, that second one is going to get some serious shade. *sips tea*
I don’t think that I ever came out, it was so super obvious. I think that I said it to myself in the mirror when I was 14. My grandfather sat me down when I was 17 going on 18. He basically said that guys were going to come crawling out the woodwork when I turned 18. He told me older men can be pretty aggressive and that they have already had sex with a ton of people. Basically he wanted me to have sex with someone my own age, not an older guy. He was old school Basque and Roman Catholic, so he genuinely thought I was going to contract HIV right out of the gate. I don’t know, I guess he still thought people waited to have sex until they turned 18.
He had no idea that I was already in love with my shop teacher, who was in his mid 40’s, and blowing him every chance I had. God he was hot, he smelled like pine and WD-40. Still get a chub when I smell freshly cut wood.
Matty Isles
Came out last year, 2014.
My mum said she still loved me and my dad said he still wants his bungalow lol x
AtticusBennett
ah yes “but my son is a queen” – realize this, then: your son has brass f***ing balls.
you’re worried about how your gay kid will be treated? then there’s only one logical plan of action – as a parent, become a visible and vocal presence supporting LGBT Equality. the more straight people who are “OUT” as advocates and allies means fewer anti-gay bigots to contend with.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gDORM_aStOk
MacAdvisor
I came out back in 1981, a very long time ago. I was 22 and had completed college. I invited my parents to my apartment in San Jose, where I was living. I’d grown up in Sacramento and they still lived there. My Dad was a football coach at the local JC in Sacramento, had been a DI in the Marine Corps, ran the local boxing tournament, and had been a Golden Gloves boxer himself. My Mom was an ex-Republican who started the teacher’s union at the high school where she taught and brought me along on marches with Cesar Chavez. San Jose had just voted to rescind a fair housing ordinance covering gays and I had just been fired by Century Theaters for being gay (the district manager saw a letter I wrote support the ordinance in the local paper, the Mercury News).
I basically blurted it out. My parents looked at each and then Mom said, “We’ve known that for years! The Playgirl magazine between your mattresses gave that way when you were 13.” Dad set me up on a blind date with one of his gay football players (very nice guy, honestly sweet and kind, but we didn’t have anything in common).
Dad just passed away this last March and I am sitting at his desk working on the estate. Mom died from Alzheimer’s back in 2001. I miss them both so much. I gave my parents many things to upset them and make them ashamed, but they always loved me and were on my side. They supported me through the worst of times and celebrated the best.
Mack
I came out to my dad when I was 21 and he accepted it. He told my stepmother who banned me from the house ( I was living in my own apartment at that time). She told me I was a bad influence on her kids and didn’t want me around. One of her kids was gay and my best friend. At the time I was working two jobs to help them support the kids. I kept one paycheck and gave them the other. When she told me that I wasn’t allowed at the house but I could continue sending the money, I went to the phone and called my second job and quit. I didn’t see my father for about a year after that and one day my brother who lived out of town called me to pick him up at the airport. I asked why he was there and he told me my father was dying of cancer. We went to the hospital and spent the next two days with him before he died. I never spoke to my stepmother after the funeral until 25 years later. She called me to tell my my stepbrother had died of aids. And that he had asked for me. But she told him she didn’t know where to find me. She was a royal bitch and to this day I don’t know if she’s alive or dead and couldn’t care less.
Glücklich
It’s easy to bash parents right off the bat who have a difficult time of their kids’ coming out but if we’re 100% honest with ourselves would ALL of us be automatically OK if one of our parents came out as gay? I know I wouldn’t, and I’m not that close to either of mine. We probably wouldn’t reflexively cut them out of our lives for stretches of time as some parents do to their “newly gay” kids but a separation in which to process the information would not be unexpected.
AtticusBennett
this is the reality that people need to face – your dad “doesn’t want to meet your boyfriend”? then you let your dad know: “until you can love me as the gay man that i am, and i will help you with this, you won’t be a part of my life. not when there are too many people out there who love me without conditions”
Tommy Martin-Edwards
Came out in 2005. Was told I’d be dead by 30 and that I was no longer a sound investment.
We’re on better (tolerable) terms now, but it is a hard thing to forget.
Mark Alan McRoberts
Back in March 1976 when I came out to my parents. My dad was silent, he just really did not understand. I remember my moms words… What have you done to us (meaning herself). THen she angryly rand out of the room for a few minutes then she came back to the living room and she said that she would help me to get some help.
SFHarry
@Jim DelRae: That’s nice for you. The rest of us got our rights by large numbers of us coming out at home, work and other social situations.
Xzamilio
@McShane: Many of us have had that experience with an older man when we were younger, myself included. Your granddad wasn’t necessarily wrong, as my own experiences can attest to that. Many a pervy old guy hit on me in my teen years, and while I see nothing wrong with young-old relationships, a lot of those guys were a product of their homophobic environments, and unfortunately, looked at sex as something to keep secret, mechanical and gratifying… but not emotional, which can mess with a young mind. I used to listen to some of those ex-gay testimonies on YouTube, and a lot of them had three identical characteristics: They knew they were “different” from an early age, were raised in homophobic environments, and had horrible experiences with sex that they attributed to homosexuality, and not the crappy people, drugs, and reckless behavior they exhibited.
With that said, I only two bad experiences with older guys, and that was because I had a sense of self-worth and was not about to be some back-alley, late at night guy that only had sex in the darkness. I wanted it all… L’Oreal said I’m worth it.
Xzamilio
@McShane: The HIV thing, though, I would attribute to ignorance about the disease during those times, and I say that having no information about your family lol. Your granddad sounds like a good man.
Glücklich
@SFHarry:
Preaching to others about how they should or should not conduct themselves around a very personal matter. That’s nice for you.
I suppose then I don’t deserve my rights because I simply continued doing as I always have. I didn’t feel the need to make a big deal of letting people know I’m gay; it warrants as much of an announcement as my being half Mexican or how much I spend on rent.
Barb Kipper
Parents should love nd support children. I there is a chance they might not do this, they should have none.
onthemark
@Glücklich: That’s the dumbest statement I’ve seen in Queerty comments in a very long time. And from you??? Say it isn’t so! Has “jason smeds” hacked your password?
David Chachki
Coming out to a latina mother from Peru was very hard i went through hell and back but after the storm the sun comes out.
onthemark
I hope the big take-away young people get from this is that it’s important to DO IT – even if you suspect your parents may react unfavorably. Even if they do, that attitude may pass. As we see in these comments, parents tend to come around in the long run.
Jerome-Hans Ejan
My mom asked me if I liked boys lol. (I was 19) and she told me she still loves me. (Strict Chinese woman) lol ð???
Finrod
I came out at 14. My 60 year-old lesbian cousin, butch as can be and living with a woman with whom she’s raised a child, is still pretending that her parents haven’t figured it out. They all live a couple of miles apart. Three of her four cousins are openly gay. Not sure if it’s comedy or tragedy.
Glücklich
@onthemark:
I didn’t articulate the thought very well. Speaking only for myself (though I know other guys who feel the same), I never felt the need to make an official announcement about my sexuality to anyone, least of all my parents. It’s not even of interest to me and therefore didn’t need to be explained (like rent or ethnicity – who cares what I do or who I am? so why waste my breath even saying it).
I inferred SFHarry’s comment to mean that if one doesn’t announce one’s being gay, that person is undeserving of their rights.
It is Harry’s comment that is dumb. The gist of mine was only lost in translation.
Glücklich
@AtticusBennett:
Eh, my father said the same thing with my first real, grown-up BF but I understood his position and didn’t get angry. I was a little hurt but got over it pretty quickly. He met the next one, and he’s met Mr. Glücklich of course. I think, though, he prefers one of my other partners to Mr. Glücklich, or at least seemed to have an easier time conversing with him. *I* prefer to minimize all of those interactions to spare everyone the awkwardness since my father, bless’im, can be a little…provincial.
Jade Price
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Brian Bottorff
way back in 1988 my mom said “was it something that happened at camp? ” 🙂 my response was no mom dammit nothing ever happened. thankful for AMAZINGly suportive parents.
Brian Bottorff
i have a friend in santa fe whose mom’s response was ” i think your dad is too” 🙂
Zekester
My coming out to my parents experience was one of the nightmares that you hear about. I’ll just leave it at that.
Glücklich
@Mack:
That’s an awful story but you give your stepmother too much credit. She’s no royal bitch: that bitch is evil. It is a vindictive evil person to deny her dying child a request which could have easily been fulfilled and worse for her to go to the effort to let you know she did so. I am sorry you had the misfortune to have got mixed up with her and you have my sympathies on the loss of your friend.
Cagnazzo82
Aside from a few, these are probably the most heartwarming whispers I’ve ever seen.
Usually you expect them to be disturbing since they’re the deepest secrets never spoken out loud.
This was actually refreshing and uplifting. Who’d have thought.
Thanks Queerty for the positive post 🙂
Mack
@Glücklich: It’s not like she was “perfect” she was on her 3rd marriage, had lost her kids to her ex-husband (in the 1950’s) because she cheated on him with my dad. But she was a Southern Baptist. I’ve moved on and very happy. My brother teases me asking me if I want to look her up since the last we heard she lived 100 miles from us. And I just tell him HELL NO! And he laughs.
Jesse Erickson
mine were incredibly accepting
William Garner II
They was not very pleased. My mom said she loves me I am her son. My dad said I was lost and I was going to hell. My brothers were not happy I have five
I have six sisters three were supportive but it’s been fun.
Dave Russo
I was greeted with: “I hope you get AIDS and die.”
SarcasaticMisanthrope
I came out in 1981, my Mother who was a bible thumping christian told me that she wished I had murdered someone. She could have dealt better with that than me being gay.
Needless to say she and I had a contentious relationship up until the time I was in my 40’s.
In 2002 she was dx’d with stomach cancer. We had one last xmas together when we talked everything out so there were never any regrets or recriminations.
Realitycheck
@SarcasaticMisanthrope: Sorry to hear that, I often wonder “where is the love” and how can people be so brainwashed by, and fanatic about religion to forsake their own son?
I am glad you had closure before she died we all need it
Glücklich
@SarcasaticMisanthrope:
Oh so you’re the one who stole the user name I wanted, you bitch!
onthemark
@Glücklich: What exactly do you mean, you never came out to your parents? Do you never see your parents? Do you never communicate with them in any way? Do you never discuss anything “gay” with your parents, ever? Do you pretend to have a girlfriend? Do you pretend to like football? Do you go hunting? What the fvck are you talking about?
I’ve been taken to task in these comments for not being close to my parents and not much caring what they thought, and therefore having a rather easy time coming out because I didn’t care what they thought (an ancillary benefit), and I don’t get why anyone would blast me for that: it’s not MY fault, it’s kind of their fault.
But I don’t even see how your method is logistically possible.
And anyway… WHY? What is your objection to coming out to parents??? I don’t get it. In reply to your statement, “I suppose then I don’t deserve my rights because I simply continued doing as I always have.” Well… yeah. You’re getting a free ride. We should send you a bill!
Glücklich
@onthemark:
If you thought I was attacking or criticizing you in any way, I apologize as I truly wasn’t. And again, my initial comment was poorly worded. But you are taking it too literally or taking it to mean I’m living some secret life in the closet.
I interpret the term “Coming Out” as making a big, huge defining official proclamation, the language of which is pretty much verbatim “I am gay.” I simply never made any such announcement to my parents and can honestly say I can count on one hand the number of times the words have left my mouth.
I can’t overemphasize that my thought process – or in a larger sense my modus vivendi – applies only to me and should have prefaced my earlier comments as such. I disclaim any authority on the coming out process except my own. I let the way I live speak for itself. My parents know I’m gay. I never felt the need to tell them as anyone with half a brain should have deduced as much after spending twenty years raising me; I credit my parents with at least that much intelligence. But to answer your question, I don’t discuss anything gay with them in the sense that I don’t discuss, I don’t know, the struggle of being gay because I didn’t struggle. I don’t discuss big large social issues with them of any persuasion. My dad’s Mexican (born here as were his parents) but I didn’t grow up talking about Cesar Chavez. Being Mexican is not a “thing” for him. He just happens to have brown skin and a surname ending with a vowel. I’m the same way about being gay.
I object to no one coming out to anyone. FOR ME ALONE, it was unnecessary. Being gay is not THE defining thing about me. *I* place little value on MY sexuality because it’s not interesting, or it shouldn’t be…it’s not an achievement nor is it something I am continually working on maintaining. It’s no secret to my parents, friends, clients, coworkers, the butcher, baker, or candlestick maker but it’s not like I earned it; I’m married to a man for Chrissakes and that’s no secret because I love him and I LOVE to show him off. I enjoy showing off my other partners, too.
So I’m taken aback by your seeming anger when the second paragraph of your above comment mostly mirrors my experience. “… not much caring what [your parents] thought, and therefore having a rather easy time coming out because I didn’t care what they thought (an ancillary benefit)…” That’s me, too. My coming out (as if they didn’t know already which they had to have) just didn’t need a headline. It would have been a waste of all of our time had I turned it into some big heart-to-heart. It’s not the style in my family anyway; we just get on with it.
Lastly, you close with a statement suggesting because I went about coming out in a way that wasn’t difficult for me, just carried on living and evolving as I always had (because that’s my way) and am not out and about marching as an activist, I am somehow less worthy of gay rights. That I don’t understand. I didn’t serve in the military or do any other heroic public service so should I be considered less of an American?
I look forward to future, more cordial exchanges with you.
AtticusBennett
@Glücklich: you could spare everyone the long-winded excuses and just cop to it and say “i never said the words because i never got over my insecurities associated with saying the words”
being gay is not “the defining thing” for ANY of us. we are all, ALL, defined by being gay to the exact same degree. no more, and no less, than any other gay person. how you personally felt about being gay, however, is indeed defined by your family.
those who “place little value on their sexuality” are those who are Out. those who make excuses to not be Out are the ones who actually fear that others will place too high a value on their sexuality.
iainthomas39
@Xzamilio: Russel Tovey is a UK award winning actor – Broadway, West End, TV etc etc – Looking wasn’t his finest moment….but then neither where his comments on effeminate gay men….
iainthomas39
Im adopted. My adopted Mum said “if I had 12 children of my own they couldn’t have ended up as perverted and disgusting as you have….’
Not a great start but as I started to live my life and she saw me with 2 long term partners she accepted it was my life – though it was many years before she actually acknowledged my second long term partner was my boyfriend she never treated him any differently from my 2 sister in laws.
She ended up baking our wonderful wedding cake!
And then we adopted children – she was very happy and excited to become a grandmother again.
So from a pretty poor start we ended up in a great place – it took a long time but we never let our relationship breakdown along the way.
onthemark
@Glücklich: hmmm… There was probably a point in your teenage years where your parents still assumed you were straight (the default), and then at some later point, they no longer assumed that. So that was a “coming out” of sorts, whatever that consisted of, even if it was totally unspoken. You imply as much: “My coming out (as if they didn’t know already which they had to have) just didn’t need a headline.” Your story is very… let’s say idiosyncratic.
I’m not sure why you responded with your parent story to SFHarry’s mild comment: “The rest of us got our rights by large numbers of us coming out at home, work and other social situations.” Since you do seem to be “out,” by any usual definition of outness, what’s your objection? (Or why bring it up in the first place?)
E.g., if you “show off” your husband as such, that’s really NO different than if you simply state “I’m gay.” If anything it’s much more of a “big, huge defining official proclamation” than the latter, so why are/were you so squeamish about doing the latter?
Glücklich
@onthemark:
I didn’t respond to Harry with a parent story.
Nor are you contextualizing Harry’s remark in its totality, “That’s nice for you. The rest of us got our rights by large numbers of us coming out at home, work and other social situations,” as it replied to Jim Delrae’s innocuous “I never came out.. I just continued being me.” Harry’s remark seems snarky to say the least; maybe I read more into it than he intended. Sue me.
“I never came out.. I just continued being me.”—That’s what I did. But I’m totally OK with your ascribing your definition of coming out to my experience. It’s so long ago now this article was the first time in years I’ve given it any thought.
So, I’m out. If a lack of clear spoken or written language in my past appears to make me squeamish, I’ve been thought of as worse things.
Glücklich
@AtticusBennett:
You are entitled to your opinion and I won’t argue it. As I was growing up my parents didn’t have anything positive to say about gays; they had very little to say about gays at all. It wasn’t something that was big on their radar at the time.
I respect too much else of what you have to say elsewhere and am too busy to debate whether you think I’m out/out enough, (I know I am) but you oughtta revisit some of the dissertations you’ve dropped around here before calling anyone long-winded.
Bauhaus
For what it is worth:
I never came out to my parents. My parents found out from my blabbermouth big brother. I was sixteen, a sophomore in high school.
My father was a demonstrative man, full of life. He was witty, charming, strong, and charismatic. I was terribly lonely and confused those early years. Although my father and I never talked about sex or relationships, he wanted me to be happy. Full stop. He’d hug me during that difficult time of my life and say, “you’re gonna be alright.” He always told me he loved me and that he was proud of me. Nothing was left unspoken between us. I was incredibly fortunate to have a strong man (my father) on my side. He had been a professional athlete, wouldn’t allow me to sulk, and forced me to be constructive through sports and academics.
On the other hand, my mother was incredulous, hysterical, and I think embarrassed. At the very least, she didn’t feel she could boast about me to her garden club and book club friends. She’s fine with someone else’s son being bi or gay, just not her own son. Over the years, she’s done sneaky little things and sneaky big things in an attempt to undermine me, as a way for me to see the light. As I’ve always stood-up to my mother, (with the support of my father and younger brother), her damage to me has been minimal. As things stand now, she takes me as I am, or she doesn’t hear from me again. She has decided to take me as I am.
I’m fortunate. Neither of my parents disowned me, kicked me out or abandoned me. My father was wonderful, mostly because his personality was light, and he had a soft spot for me. My mother could have been better. She’s gotten better. If I’d had my druthers, I would have preferred to have had a boyfriend first, then told them in that context (an introduction).
Dee Smith
I’m straight but not narrow, and I told my mother recently that I would never, ever understand how any parent could turn against their child for being gay. She said, “well, some people have strong values.” I was more horrified than I have ever been in my life. Until then, I would have sworn to anyone that my parents would always love me no matter what. I felt so betrayed to find out I was wrong all these years. I still don’t understand how any parent can do that, and I never will.
AtticusBennett
@Glücklich: it’s obvious that you grew up with parents that didn’t say anything positive about gay people. you’re still speaking a language that is exclusive to those whose feelings about being gay are still defined by anti-gay attitudes.
your suggestion in your ramble that those who are more visibly Out, or use their lives to be advocates or activists, or those who don’t give excuses and have the integrity to actually have that Talk and Come Out are somehow “more defined by being gay” than you is just plain stupid.
you’re not “less defined” by being gay than some sparkly twink who marches in a pride parade.
when you say: “Being gay is not THE defining thing about me. *I* place little value on MY sexuality because it’s not interesting, or it shouldn’t be…it’s not an achievement nor is it something I am continually working on maintaining” … you sound like a complete fucking idiot.
GayEGO
Well……I was 50 when I told my mother I was gay, my dad had already passed away. My parents met my lifetime partner of 53 years in 1962 in Boston when I was 20 and they took a drive trip from Boise, Idaho where I am from. At the time I told them that my partner was a “roommate”, and because society thought gays were monsters, my parents did not consider me a monster.
My mother, originally from Alabama, told me the ones that say gays are abominations, they are the abominations. She was very upfront and good about it. I don’t think my dad would have been as OK with it.
But, times are changing, people are learning that we live just like they do and we are not a threat to them. Of course, some of the religious fanatics will continue to hang on to their void religious teachings whereas others are changing.
Glücklich
@AtticusBennett:
I sound like a complete fucking idiot. OK. If you say so. I know better.
Tsk. That’s a real shame.
DavidIntl
I have lived through both possible extremes on this. My own family has always been incredibly supportive, has stood by me unconditionally, and has been extremely welcoming of my partners. But I have also had the experience of handholding my ex-husband as he dealt with coming out to his Christian family. They never forgave me for – in their view – turning their sweet, innocent God-fearing boy into an ‘abomination in the eyes of Lord’, and ultimately they did succeed in breaking us up and getting their son partially back into the closet.
We have made so much progress as a society, but until we get through to every parent, there will still be new tragic coming-out stories being written every day.
James Decino
If parents don’t love their children unconditionally then they aren’t good parents at all.
onthemark
@Glücklich: There’s something about the language you’re using that I find seriously disturbing. As someone with a disability (well, actually 3 or 4, but one major, obvious, physical one!), I’ve often heard the self-help yadda yadda yadda about not allowing the disability to “define” us. I’m often annoyed by this stuff but yeah, I get what they’re saying.
But you write exactly as if you consider being gay to be some kind of regrettable disability. You don’t want being gay to “define” you… yeah, I know where I’ve heard that lingo before.
You probably act a bit differently in real life than you’re claiming here. There must be occasional social or work situations where people make some idle comment assuming you’re straight, and you probably correct them. I hope! Maybe you hate when that happens? But you do it anyway, I’m guessing? Out of mere self-respect, or just to clarify the matter. Some of us are just more *proactive* about doing that, either for political/activist or purely practical reasons.
For instance, personally, I feel uncomfortable when new people assume I’m straight, in certain social or semi-political groups. I don’t (necessarily) come out for political/activist reasons, but it helps ME in a very practical sense to have them think I’m a painfully awkward, harmless, funny (or trying to be funny) GAY guy with an obvious disability than a painfully awkward straight guy. … 🙂
Does this make any sense to you? I think SFHarry meant something along the lines of: If every gay person had your attitude and did what you did, we’d all still be living in 1969. The personal IS political; it all adds up over time. You haven’t thought about this stuff for years because you didn’t have to, you were lucky (we’re not all so lucky), but maybe you SHOULD think about it.
Glücklich
@onthemark:
Thank you for your thoughtful reply. I’ll preface my ramble (hopefully avoiding being long-winded) by reiterating I speak only for myself – every time I say something you disagree with, just put “to me…” in front of it.
I hadn’t given any thought a potential self-help tone so that was purely unintentional. Nor do I think being gay is a disability. It is as inconsequential as right- or left-handedness.
Of course I correct misconceptions in social situations but that rarely happens where I or my husband socialize (we’ve both lived in SF for years). I think you’re assuming I’m going about life trying to sweep my being gay under the rug or hoping everyone thinks I’m straight and that isn’t the case. I just don’t make a point of bringing it up. I don’t deny it though few people ask (who in polite conversation asks about sexual orientation?), but I don’t lead with it. There is no value to adding it to a conversation if it is a non-sequitur. I don’t get offended if I’m assumed to be straight because how is a stranger supposed to know?
I won’t go into how I handle work situations, sufficed to say if anyone doesn’t approve of my being gay (because it’s no secret): too bad; I’m a director around here and if the firm had an issue with it they’d have canned me or let me languish where I started. They sure wouldn’t put me in front of clients around the world, tattoos and all. By the way work – my job – *IS* something I have WORKED. MY. ASS. OFF. to earn and it is thanks to that I’m able to provide a nice life for myself and Mr. Glücklich.
‘Course, I’m a complete fucking idiot. Oh that’s the other guy. A real shame, that.
Blackceo
I was really touched by many of these. I’m so fortunate my parents reacted the way they did, especially my dad since I’m am only child. His only concern was how others may discriminate against me but it was such a normal thing. My mom knew and my dad’s reaction I will never forget. We were all having our usual Saturday morning breakfast together and he was like “ok….and….pass me the syrup boy” were his exact words. My mother and I laughed so hard. I wish every person’s experience could be of acceptance, but it’s ashame that the reality is that far too many people have horrible reactions from their parents, or are so scared that they never tell. I just can’t imagine having a secret like that for years, for not letting the two people who made me not know my true self, even if they didn’t accept it. It’s not fair to the person who deserves to live their life.
Andrew Yang
@Glücklich: My friend I admire your thoughtful, calm and respectful responses to these challenges to your opinion and experience. I totally understand what you are saying, as this is the same with me. My siblings know I am gay, not because I “came out”, they just did as we interacted, and I have never had a reason to “come out”, which I think is a ridiculous term.
I am gay and if that comes up in discussion, then fine, but if it does not come up I do not feel a need to publicize it. Heterosexuals do that “come out”, they just are. My dad is now dead, and me not “coming out” did not affect our relationship. I have not had a reason to discuss with my mom, but should she ask, I will tell her I am gay, and then we will handle our emotions surrounding the topic. Having said that, I have not hidden from her the fact that there is someone special in my life, a guy, who I even took home one Christmas. Being the very traditional Christian she is, I think she would worry about my soul if she were to admit to herself that I am gay, although I amsure she knows.
I have not said to her that I am gay, as my telling her would be more about me than her, and that is selfish. Fort someone who is in her 70s, I do not think I need her to worry about me, as the truth is there is nothing to worry about as I am a successful doctor who lives a very simple life surrounded by family and close friends. If it comes up then fine, if not, what is the big deal! I so agree with you.
Glücklich
@Andrew Yang:
Thanks! I needed that. KEEE-RIST! I thought one of the main tenets of being gay was to live and let live!
Andrew Yang
@Glücklich: You are correct, but we all come with our baggage, and it takes some of us longer than others to transcend same. Congratulations on being yourself!
McShane
@Xzamilio: Oh, absolutely. He was in his 80’s, so he had no idea how HIV or AIDS worked.
McShane
My grandfather immigrated into the US from northern Spain, settling in Nevada as a sheep herder. During World War II, he joined the Second Marine Division as a ground soldier and participated in the landings at Saipan and Okinawa.
After the war he traveled the globe as an operatic singer. He frequented, The Eddie Cantor Radio Show. He also toured the country entertaining the troops in the United Service Organization with Tyrone Power, Dinah Shore and boxer Barney Ross. He was friends with people like Roy Rogers and Celeste Holme. I have the picture of him and Celeste Holme at or after the 1947 Academy Awards, when she won best supporting actress for “Gentleman’s Agreement”. Although he never said it out loud, I’m pretty sure he had a fling with Shirley Temple Black. He had a small framed picture of the two of them at the beach.
When I was eight my dad passed, grandfather gained custody. As a widower it must have been a lot for him to deal with, no doubt. His only son was dead and now he’s forced to raise the gayest kid imaginable. Looking back at the whole situation, I am exceedingly grateful. He taught me, everything really. I would twirl around the house with a towel around my neck frantically trying to turn into Wonder Woman. He caught me blasting Carpenters records, banging on soup cans for drums. I sidewalk chalked my face so that I looked like Grace Jones, he probably pissed himself laughing. I got all the Madonna bracelet’s and My Little Pony’s that a little gay boy could ever wish for. He never batted an eyelash.
DimAsAnEmber
@Glücklich: I very much agree with you. Being gay defines people, yes, but no more than any other thing that you could name. I didn’t have to “come out” in the traditional sense, my family understood by their own merit. I don’t think being different warrants a grand declaration, but it doesn’t mean we can’t be proud of who we are. And I don’t think you really have to do anything if people already know. If anyone asked me, I’d tell them the truth, just like everything else they wanted to ask. Not that that’s better or worse than any other method, it’s just the way of some. I’d like to think in the future that no one would have to “come out,” it’d just be an answer to an ultimately insignificant question.
onthemark
@Glücklich: You start to remind me of Heinlein’s “Stranger In A Strange Land” – I guess some people communicate with their parents (and others) just by “grokking”? You didn’t need to bother with old-fashioned, mundane talking?
Bauhaus
@Glücklich:
Christ on a fucking cracker, this unwarranted shitstorm (you as the villain) makes me want to puke.
onthemark
I really should comment on THIS one:
“My son came out to me today. This weekend I’m taking him to his first gay bar. This will be interesting.”
Interesting? Yikes. This takes “helicopter parenting” to a whole new level. Poor kid, one almost wishes he had normal, homophobic parents. He probably wasn’t allowed to walk to school until he was old enough to drive. And which is worse – going to your first gay bar with your mommy or your daddy? That chaperoned faux-adventure couldn’t have turned out well.
onthemark
@Bauhaus: I’m not doing that – (maybe Atticus is, but Atticus is always like that and you usually suck up to him like a lamprey) – I just don’t totally understand where Glucklich is coming from, and he seems kind of smug about it. Did he have “advanced” parents that he didn’t need to actually communicate with in the usual, Earthling-type style? I just don’t quite get what he means.
Glücklich
@onthemark:
Had you to read the first comment I posted on this article, the photographic evidence should have sufficed for someone of even the meanest intelligence, rendering a discussion moot.
Glücklich
@Glücklich:
Had you *bothered* to read…
onthemark
@Bauhaus: In fact, this is the first time I’m finally convinced you’re not an Atticus sock puppet, named after his dog! I don’t think you’ve ever even disagreed with him before, let alone referred to a “shitstorm” started by him. Anyway, don’t blame me – I was perturbed by some of the lingo, and Glucklich seems to get my objection there.
Glücklich
@Bauhaus:
I know, I’m breaking my own rule about not engaging in on-line arguments, à la Giancarlo who I grok wouldn’t mind my saying so.
Eh, I’m listening in on a conf call. This livens things up until it’s my turn to terrorize some folks.
onthemark
@Glücklich: Apparently referring to this:
“My parents weren’t thrilled the first time I went away with someone for the weekend and I came back with photos of me at the beach with a *guy* fifteen years my senior but what are you gonna do? He’s now the friend I’ve had the longest and my mother occasionally asks how he’s doing.”
Well okay, that qualifies as a non-verbal “coming out.” Whether or not they suspected before that. But so what? You act like it’s better, somehow, that you showed your parents beach photos instead of verbally saying “I’m gay.” (The grand “announcement.”) Some might consider beach photos to be a pretty grand announcement!
Unless you stopped seeing/calling/writing your parents for several years after that, you were probably speaking/writing in more or less normal conversational patterns – unless you were very actively & consciously trying to “talk around” the difficult subject? – and there’d be a point where you were essentially saying “I’m gay,” or very close to the same thing. I don’t get why you’re so resistant to this. It’s a fairly minor point – isn’t it? – but it seems to be an awfully big deal to you, still, after all these years.
Glücklich
@onthemark:
“Well okay, that qualifies as a non-verbal ‘coming out.’”
There you go. Glad to see we’re done here.
onthemark
@Glücklich: Discussion, not an argument! 🙂
You’ve been pretty polite to me throughout and I’ve appreciated it.
onthemark
@Glücklich: You have quite a talent for pretending to miss the point. Must have got that from your parents!
“Some might consider beach photos to be a pretty grand announcement!”
Bauhaus
@McShane:
My lord, I would have loved to have raised a boy like you were! Full of life, not afraid, creative… Thanks for the awesome peek into your young life and influences.
AtticusBennett
“shitstorm” – it’s just funny when people use dizzying loopholes of logic and vocabulary to try to avoid saying something clearly and directly. the first time you let your family know that you’re gay is your Coming Out. saying “i’ve started seeing a guy” is not “not a coming out” because you didn’t say “i’m gay” – but all this weird “i never came out to my family, i just kept on living my life” is nonsense. there’s a marked change in all of our lives when we no longer enact the conscious choices to avoid being gay – i mean come on.
“if someone asks, i’ll tell them” is a way to avoid being honest. you’re still uncomfortable about it. people don’t avoid things they’re actually comfortable with. they just pretend, online, that they’re not still worried about perceptions or people changing around them.
“people don’t come out as straight” – no s**T. there’s zero negative social stigma around being straight. straight people, however, have no qualms letting their heterosexuality be known in any and every way in many different conversations throughout the day – there is no vagueness or ambiguity. they engage in ZERO attempts to “not be obviously heterosexual” – something the guys in here pretending that their being closeted isn’t a mark of insecurity are choosing to ignore.
That_Scarecrow
@AtticusBennett:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GM7OS19Bt3s
gaym50ish
When I read coming-out stories, it always strikes me that so many of them involve what I call a “stand-off” period. The kid says, “I always wanted to tell you but was afraid of how you would react.” The parents say, “We knew you were gay, but we didn’t want to bring it up until you were ready to tell us.”
This is not a healthy situation for a family. It leaves the gay kid living in a state of terror about being found out, afraid of being rejected. terrified of having that coming-out discussion, lying and pretending, etc.
It should be up to the parents, if they suspect, to initiate the conversation and let the kid know that if he’s gay it’s really OK. It would lift a big load off of a gay kid’s shoulders.
In fact, if they were REALLY good parents they would have let ALL their kids from they time they first learned about romantic love that it’s OK for some boys to like boys and some girls to like girls.