We’re breaking down the stats that nobody else will: The hottest damn men on the field (or on the bench) every Sunday and Monday (and sometimes Thursday) for the fall and winter months. C’mon, it’s a game where beefy men with bulging muscles ram into each other for sport, so we knew we needed to look at all the hotties from each and every team in both divisions. There are two, people: The AFC (American Football Conference) and the NFC (National Football Conference). The Tom Bradys and Mark Sanchezes of the world get all the attention and adulation, so we’re looking beyond pretty-boy-QBs and checking the full line-up for a diverse groups of delicious gridiron grunters. Heard of Fantasy Football? Yeah, this is our version. And we’ve learned, apparently we have a thing for Safeties…who knew? In our first installment, enjoy the men of the AFC.
New England Patriots
Danny Amendola / #80 / Wide Receiver
He may be new to the Pats’ roster this year, but we are already playing very close attention to his every beautiful (sigh) move.
Buffalo Bills
Dorin Dickerson / #42 / Tight End, Fullback
How about we take this to the next level?
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Stop snickering at his positions, and take a look at those guns!
Miami Dolphins
Reshad Jones / #20 / Free Safety
The team picked him up for a mere $29 million-something for four years. Yeah, we can’t afford him, so we’ll just admire from afar.
New York Jets
Dawan Landry / #26/ Safety
Maybe he’s not quite as smoking-in-hell-hot as his older brother (see Colts) but this former Baltimore Ravens can still crush us with those biceps any old day.
Cincinnati Bengals
Dane Sanzenbacher / #11 / Wide Receiver
He’s got the older, wiser (?) slightly scruffier Zac Efron thing going on, and we’re okay with that.
Cleveland Browns
Jordan Cameron / #84 / Wide Receiver
Not everything is as hot in Cleveland as Cameron, and since he’s about as All-American as they come (if you’re into that sort of thing), we say, “Game on!”
Pittsburgh Steelers
Bruce Gradowski / #5 / Quarterback
We’re probably not going to see much of him on the field while Roethlisberger is still in the game as QB, but we don’t care. Call us naughty, because our prison fantasy dreams are working wonders with Bruce almighty.
Tennessee Titans
Michael Griffin / #33 / Safety
Oh, the things we could do with all that.
Indianapolis Colts
Laron Landry / #30 / Strong Safety
Stop. Just stop. It looks like a Scruff picture for chrissakes. The hottest Scruff picture ever. We can’t take it. We just can’t take it.
Jacksonville Jaguars
Russell Allen / #50 / Linebacker
He’s one of the big boys, and at 6’3”, 240lbs. we wouldn’t want to meet him in a dark alley. Wait…on second thought…
Houston Texans
David Quessenberry / #77/ Tackle
We were so hoping this shot was taken at the Eagle L.A.—because it sure looks like it to us. Just sayin’.
Denver Broncos
Eric Decker / #87 Wide / Receiver
Let’s be frank: Peyton Manning is very talented and he may be as rich as the day is long, but he’s been beaten by the ugly stick. So we’re all about Decker. Yeah, you’re onboard. We know it. (Google Eric Decker shirtless if you don’t believe us. We’ll wait. See? You’re welcome.)
Kansas City Chiefs
Eric Fisher / #1 / Tackle
We’re just gonna come right out and say it: With Aaron Hernandez (New England Patriots) heading to the clink, this is his cheaper, look-a-like, tatt-free substitute. And we’re not too broken up about it.
Oakland Raiders
Kaluka Maiava / #54 / Linebacker
There isn’t much going on for the poor Raiders these days (or for the last decade…but we digress), but thank heavens Raider nation fans have Kaluka to make goo-goo eyes for.
San Diego Chargers
Charlie Whitehurst / #6 / Quarterback
Sure, he reminds us of True Blood’s Alcide, so we were smitten at first bite…err, sight. If we’re watching football we do we have to be able to let our minds wander, right?
middleagespread
Wow, the men are in such great shape. Just waiting for those to find fault with this post. Thanks for the great pic’s.
Franklin
Not to nitpick, but it’s interesting that 67% of the NFL is African-American and 31% is Caucasian, yet over half this list is made up of white men. Just a thought.
DickGreenleaf
Decker
Mark
I like Dane Sanzenbacher / #11 / Wide Receiver
Jackhoffsky
@Franklin: You are right, there are way too many black players on this list. the NFL (as a whole… even though the article is about AFC)”
“… the NFL is approximately 57–61% non-white, including African Americans, Polynesians (an anomalously high 1.7% of NFL players are American Samoans), non-white Hispanics, Asians, and people of mixed race. This statistic is in contrast to the general population of the United States, which is 28% non-white.”
Realize that you have to eliminate everyone on the defensive line because… well… they tend to be the size of a bus, there are no black quarterbacks and only one black kicker. So the percentage of “hot” in-shape players is going to shift to the offense side.
Also, it’s a matter of presentation to an audience (the general populous is only 28% non-white) verses the presentation of the teams in proportional accuracy (57-61% non-white). So in this list, the proportion is pretty accurate, although a drastic fail for those wanting some Polynesian or non-white Hispanic beefcake.
Jackhoffsky
… although Kaluka Maiava is Hawaiian… I guess that would work as a two/for. LOL.
fredo777
I expect most to vote for the blue-eyed guy. Put me down for Dawan. Wouldn’t turn away Reshad, Jordan, or Charlie, either.
Dxley
None of them are handsome enough to take me to bed. Especially the black ones, they’re just ugly. It’s just a personal preference!
Bob LaBlah
To HELL with the NY Giants and Jets this season. I am going for the Colts thanks to Laron Landry.
fredo777
@Dxley: ”Especially the black ones, they’re just ugly. It’s just a personal preference!”
Nope, doesn’t sound at all rac*st as long as you end it with the “personal preference” disclaimer.
WhyteRabbit
@middleagespread: (it took all of two comments. i bet he was even composing his while you sent yours lol
WhyteRabbit
@Jackhoffsky: thank you. lol. that saved a lot of finger wagging on my part lol
onahigh23
Since no one else has, I’m gonna call dibs on Jordan Cameron.
fredo777
@onahigh23: “Since no one else has, I’m gonna call dibs on Jordan Cameron.”
I called him, actually, but we can share. ; }
(but I get him first)
onahigh23
@fredo777: You called like 6. Gotta play fair man. 😉
fredo777
@onahigh23: lol I only called 4. Hey, this is America + the biggest perk of living here is being able to horde all of the cutest guys for yourself!
krystalkleer
ummm it’s mouth water’n soup! http://getoffmydress.blogspot.com/2013/09/sometimes-ya-feel-like-nutcase.html
Franklin
Oh no Jackhoffsky, I think you have that backwards. Again, just as it is in most every gay publication, Caucasians are sought after, unless you are being facetious. According to the linked article 67% of the NFL is African American not 61% being non-white to include other races.
http://www.jsonline.com/blogs/sports/129967143.html
Caleb in SC
You left out Rob Gronkowski!!!
Joe
left out JJ Watt too!
mlbumiller
as my Dad would say ” jesus f—christ” does everything in this damn country have to be broken down in race!
None of them are a out faggot, so who gives a shit
fredo777
@mlbumiller: I’m sure your father also benefits from the status quo.