You got a glimpse of the hot, brute muscle on some of the finest specimens in the NFL’s AFC last week, but how does the NFC stack up against the AFC when it comes to grade A beef? Take a look and see which team — which conference, rather — you’d want to play on. Us? We’re flexible. Which is probably a good thing if we’re going to be tumbling around with the likes of these brooding, grunting beasts. Who’s ready for some football?
DeMarco Murray / #29 / Running Back
How ’bout them Cowboys? There are a few we’d like to take out to pasture and…what’s that song again? Save a Horse, Ride a Cowboy? Yeah, that.
New York Giants
David Carr / Backup Quarterback, currently not on roster
You could chisel diamonds with that jawline carved from stone, so we don’t care that the Giants cut him from their roster just a few weeks back. We’re holding out hope he’ll be back. Eli Manning is just not that cute.
James Casey /#86/ Fullback, Tight End
There are quite a few in Philly we’d like to sack. But if we had our druthers, we’d go with Casey: He look big, buff and dumb. Just how we like ‘em. But don’t tell him we said that as we’re sure his 6’4, 240-lb. self can kick our ass.
Niles Paul / #84 / Tight End
If you can forgive their to decidedly un-PC name, We’ll take Paul shaven or scruffy or any combo in between. We’ll just take him. Period.
Lance Briggs / #55/ Linebacker
With a mug as handsome as his, our first thought is: “Dayum!” Then comes “Yes, please.” Followed by, “Don’t you dare bust up his pretty face!”
Reggie Bush / #21 / Running Back
We are still all about some Bush. Kim K. is a dummy for letting this one get away. You’ve probably seen enough shirtless shots of him through the years (is it really ever enough?), so we figure we’d combine that physique with a sexy set of choppers (smile. people) that’ll just make you melt.
Green Bay Packers
Andrew Quarless / #81 / Tight End
If nothing else, he’s very confident in his own self. He originally had “Gods Gift” (sic, he forgot the apostrophe) tatted on his forearms. Hey, we’re not one to argue. He’s since changed the tattoo and added an “S” to “Gift” because others were giving him flack for being conceited. Again, we’re not one to argue.
John Carlson / #89 / Tight End
Once Ben Leber went the free agent route to retirement we needed a new Vikings crush, so in a pinch we’ve picked Carlson because we think he can go the distance.
Tony Gonzalez / #88 / Tight End
He’s versatile, boys. Hot. He had to choose between basketball and football after a successful college career in both. We like his choice. NFL uniforms are more…flattering.
Craig Roh/ #60 / Defensive End
He’s just 22 years old. And at 6’5 and nearly 270 pounds we can only hope he respects his elders.
New Orleans Saints
Kenny Vaccaro / #32 /Safety
There’s very little saintly about NO — if you’ve been there you know — but this tatted up rookie has us thinking very unsaintly thoughts on the daily.
Tampa Bay Buccaneers
William Gholston / #92 / Defensive End
In all truth, we don’t know much about Tampa Bay or the Buccaneers, but that doesn’t keep us from wanting to run with Gholston all day long.
Darnell Dockett / #90 / Defesive End
We’ve let our fantasies fly with Dockett. And he’s ours, so back off.
St. Louis Rams
Chris Long / #91 / Defensive End
Grunt. Grind. Moan. Yeah, all these verbs come to mind when thoughts of Long are present.
San Francisco 49ers
Colin Kaepernick / #7 / Quarterback
We said last week that we couldn’t give all the love to QBs and such, but do you see this picture? It’s Kaepernick? C’mon now!
Percy Harvin / #11 / Wide Receiver
This pic is from his personal Twitter account (@Percy_Harvin) made us believers. Real fast. If you weren’t following him before, you might now, huh? You slut.