In a video that is as emotional as it is long, popular YouTuber Shane Dawson speaks about his coming to terms with being bisexual.
“There’s a lot of coming out videos of people who are gay or lesbian, and they’re so confident…but I’m not that. I don’t know who I am 100 percent,” he says, shedding light on a topic that is often overlooked in the LGBT experience.
Confused from an early age and turning to food in adolescence as a way of coping, or “eating all the feelings” as Shane puts it, it was only after losing the weight and dating girls in his early 20s that he realized there were facets of his identity he was actively ignoring.
He broke up with his girlfriend of three years, Lisa, whom he still cared deeply for.
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“I wished I was gay because that would be easier — I could just say ‘I’m sorry Lisa, I’m gay.’…But that’s not what it was.”
Watch it below:
André Bonnet
Absolutely unnecessary to come out and invalidate the hardship of millions of others different than him. Coming out as gay is no less of a challenge nor does it constitute a pass for an easy life. If you are going to come out, try to focus on your experience without feeling the need to compare yourself to others and say that you have a worse deal in life.
Pistolo
It bothers me the way Shane and some other people in the interwebs make it seem like being gay is easier than being bi. If you’re bi and dating a girl and walking around with said girl, holding her hand or kissing her or talking about her to relatives…you may still be bi but you get to partially benefit from hetero privilege. Each minority has it’s advantages & disadvantages. And PS HOW IN THE HELL WOULD SAYING YOU’RE GAY BE EASIER TO REVEAL TO YOUR SIGNIFICANT OTHER? The person you broke can still be assured you were attracted to them. And you don’t have to have the burden of having lived with a complete lie that you talked yourself into out of self-loathing.
Xzamilio
They are in their own bubble… it’s easier to be gay in their world because, in their world, tweens and teens love the gay stuff, but not like the actual gay stuff. Cutesy shit like “shipping” boys with each other and making fan fiction with hardcore gay stuff in it. But, I’m not going to take away from his truth and his own personal experience, even if I think he’s pretty much on his last legs career wise and has now accepted that he’s pulled an R. Kelly on his Hollywood chances by pissing on so many opportunities. This dude won a $250,000 prize to fund future projects based on what I would call an hour long YouTube video. You ever seen one of his videos? Some of them are funny, but imagine watching one for more than 30 minutes.
charlie_jackpot
Are any of these youtube personalities straight?
Hillers
So proud of my Shaney!
And in other YouTube news, Ben Hobson, gay dad who came out of the closet, then went right back in it in 2014, has apparently come back out again in that millenial-esque “I don’t want to label myself” way. (groan)
Cagnazzo82
Couldn’t even finish the video.
Being ‘bi’ is harder than being gay? This dude is just seeking attention. But then again that’s what being a ‘youtube personality’ is all about.
Josh447
He’s saying FOR HIM, NOT FOR EVERYBODY, it would be easier to just be gay than bi. Cumon people,read the story clearly and quit adding your bad comprehension skills to its outcome.
AtticusBennett
well i’m glad he feels better now, and i’m sorry he’s struggled with this.
it’s just odd – as someone who’s actively done LGBT outreach for more than a decade, we often see people who are gay falsely co-opting the bisexual label in their initial coming out stages because they find it easier to be seen, and treated, and accepted as bisexual. we see it with kids who tell their parents that they’re bi (and often the parents then have an odd “relief” in that “bi isn’t totally gay so it’s not as bad and maybe one day their kids will date someone of the opposite sex”).
we always stress to the parents that while their child may be bisxeual, don’t hinge your hopes on the chance that one day they will be in a “hetero” relationship: even if they partner up with someone of the opposite gender, they will still be bisexual, and always have those attractions, desires and feelings.
@André Bonnet: i LOVE your comment. thank you for it. spot on!
you can absolutely express your own experiences coming out as bisexual, and your own perceptions of your hardships – but i bristle at even the slightest suggestion that “coming out as gay is easier” – my years of experience in helping families and people come out speaks to the exact opposite end.
Bauhaus
@Pistolo:
I’m only speaking for myself as a bi man. I’ve brought both girlfriends and boyfriends home in the past to meet my family of origin. As far as my family and relatives think; if I’m attracted to both men and women, why the hell would I *choose* to be with a man? Why would I put myself though this, if I can be with a woman? The answer: I can fuck woman, I can’t nest with them.
There are times when my man is insecure about my sexual fulfillment and needs. Being attracted to, desiring, and having sex with a woman is something he hasn’t experienced, so we don’t have that in common. No matter how attracted I am to him, he has suspected I’m not completely sexually fulfilled (not true).
I’ve been out since age sixteen, always been upfront about my sexuality. Being honest has closed many doors, but it has opened the right doors for me. I now identify as gay for many reasons: respect for my man, having built a family, home, and a life with him, and simplicity.
I suppose being gay or hetero may be easier (I don’t like using easier), only in that it narrows the possibilities.
Sorry for being all over the map.
shyguy35630
I found his video very inspiring because I can relate to him in the same way. I’ve been there too. It takes a lot of courage to be able to come out. In my case I didn’t know about my own sexuality until my late 40’s. I can honestly say that in the very near future I will be revealing to some people about myself so that I can be at peace with it. I applaud him for his story.
Masc Pride
Congrats to Shane. I can relate to a lot of the things he’s saying. Bisexuality comes with a very unique set of challenges. You’re not just dealing with opposition or judgment from one side; it’s really coming from ALL SIDES. Luckily, “bi erasure” is on its way out, and more visibility has definitely been coming through (particularly for bisexual men). I usually hate YouTube “coming out” vids because they’re usually pure attention-wh0ring, but I feel like Shane’s story is unique and truly necessary right now. Dare I say we need more? It helps to establish a true bisexual community and more support, which will be awesome.
Arcamenel
http://fearminism.tumblr.com/post/91476678801/your-fave-is-problematic-youtube-superstar-shane
He’s scum.
pscheck2
I have to be honest: I don’t believe the mantra that one can be attracted to both sexes, ergo: bi. I believe their true orientation is gay and only use the hetro spin to appease their personal assesment of who they really are (IMHO)! What is he saying? He had a girlfriend, but now broke up with her (and per him not because he was gay?) and sowing his oats with a guy, now? To each their own. lol.
tricky ricky
one day he will admit he’s gay.
McShane
@Arcamenel: Annnnnnd, boom goes the dynamite.
The guy has made hella money off of lazy AF, cultural stereotypes of women of color.
He’s deleted r@cist tweets. He had a video up where he referred to one of his characters, a “black” woman, ready for this shit? “Ni***r b!tch monkey woman” So, there’s that. He’s been called out for r@cism multiple times.
14:59, 3, 2, 1.
Cagnazzo82
@McShane: Looks like my first impression of him was correct. No time for this useless trash.
Him claiming that he’s ‘bi’ and claiming that it’s ‘tougher’ than being gay is so fallacious and attention seeking it’s not even worth taking into consideration.
He’s a BS’er looking for easy attention. He also appears to be a rotten individual. Waste of time… especially when there’s so many better ‘youtube personalities’ out there.
Atldeuce
Never heard of him until I saw this vid. Seemed so inauthentic and sad. Maybe he should take a hiatus from vlogging and figure himself out. This obsession with sharing everything is getting depressing.
Kieran
Some other famous “bisexuals” come to mind: Elton John and Tom Daley
Curty
Bi? I doubt he dates or has sex with women too. One doesn’t have to have sex to have a sexual identity… but I just can’t see him or a woman being with him that way… some people you can picture having sex, dating a women and both but when I first saw him… some of my more flamboyant gay male friends came to mind. Now where are these ladies ready to date him?
Tackle
@Bauhaus: Just because you can fuck a woman, does not make you bi. Many “gay” men can fuck women, and enjoy the experience. I sure have. But I’m 100% gay, because I PREFER men. Being gay is more than about a/the physical act of sex. The mental and emotional connection and bonding is just as important, ( some would say more) and telling than just an act of sex. And you saying you can’t nest with women is “very” telling. So if that component is missing, then it’s telling me that you are GAY…
Josh447
You know, professing that someone is gay when they say they are bi sexual, is as judgmental arrogant insulting and bigoted as Tony Perkins TELLING YOU you’re not gay, you’re just confused and really like women. Or the Pope telling you gay is a sin. You know how much that pissess you off.
So why do you do the same thing? Taking lessons from Tony? Stop it. You don’t live in other people’s bodies so you can only know what they tell you. Get off the bi guys are gay kick. That’s pure garbage. Or are you just compulsively trying to make everyone gay so you’re not quite so angry at your own dire situation?
marcinmass
Buddy you are only 26 and have your whole life ahead of you. I can see layers of shame and guilt in your face and words.
First and foremost you need to seriously address unresolved childhood trauma. One year with therapist is good start but hardly enough time or effort to manage the lifelong abuse you’ve endured. You need trauma victim therapy, trauma victim group therapy. Only then will you start to see yourself in others and can begin the hard work of moving past this horrible start. It will plague you the rest of your life if you don’t deal with it and move beyond.Remaim a victim or choose to move beyond it
Don’t get into another relationship until you can link sex and intimacy together. I’d put money on the two are completely separate feelings for you. You learned early on that sex was bad so how could you be a good partner for any human, male or female.
Give yourself credit and stop blaming yourself. You lost all that wright which certainly would have ended your life much sooner. Keep on the roll. Google trauma victim therapy in your geography or start with local lgbt support center as they often have programs for trauma victims and can screen you for additional services. Until you love yourself you can’t deal with the sexual orientation confusion. Come back on the black void and let everyone know of your progress.
I bet you have PTSD from this traima. Next issue is your family’s mental assault on you with their backward views on same sex relationships. No wonder you choose the black void (intetnet) to communicate. .easier to hide out this way.
in meantime educate yourself by reading books on shame, foregiveness, and coming out. It will really empower you. We are dealt a deck of cards in life. As a young adult it’s up to you to play this deck.
I guarantee you will have a much more rewarding life if you first work core issue, the unresolved sex abuse.
lastly if in a major city find
OzJosh
Like so many youtube blogs, this is like watching someone masturbate in public. His problem is not his sexuality – however genuinely conflicted he may be – it’s being an attention whore.
danmiller88
Wow!!! You would think the gay community, knowing how it feels to be ostracized by society and social norms with embrass and support bisexuals. The gay community is a strong and powerful community and you all have one another to support and love each other. Imagine not fitting within the straight world or the gay world, but sitting in the middle between the two. If you are a bisexual man than you are gay. If you are a bisexual woman than you are straight. You all should be ashamed of yourselves.
DimAsAnEmber
@Tackle: He wrote in his post that he desires women. That means he’s sexually attracted. By the transitive property, that means he’s bisexual.
jason smeds
“Bisexual” is such an imprecise word. You can have sex with a woman every day and a man once a year, and technically you are bisexual. You can have sex with a man every day and a woman once a year, and you are also technically bisexual. However, these 2 states of bisexuality are complete opposites of each other.
This is why I don’t like to use the word “bisexual”. It fails to adequately and precisely define you, and it equates two completely different states, as illustrated by my example above.
Because this word is used in identity politics as in “I’m a bisexual”, it creates a false impression of being one state.
PRINCE OF SNARKNESS aka DIVKID
@Tackle: WUT?!? Know thyself..thou silly fuck! You are a gay-leaning bisexual.
Congratulations.
LOL I can’t with the cognitive dissonance, deliberative distortions and hateful wilful ignorance of y’all motherfuckers in these comments SMH
PRINCE OF SNARKNESS aka DIVKID
You fucks don’t even want to TRY to understand do you
AlexM123
@pscheck2:
Your comment is the exact reason why bisexuals really do have it harder than us gays. Can you imagine having both straight AND gay people saying your sexual orientation is not real? How can you even say that being gay yourself?
Some people like one gender and some people like both. By denying this fact you are no better than all of the homophobes that say the exact same thing about homosexuality.
All the people on here saying such negative things about bisexuality should be ashamed of themselves.
Bauhaus
@Tackle:
Being angry, indignant, incredulous, and hysterical, won’t make me any less bisexual. My mother tried doing that to me and it didn’t work.
SonOfKings
I don’t agree that being Gay is easier than being bi, but I do understand why a bi guy might think so. As gay men, we do an excellent job of presenting our lifestyle as fabulous, uncomplicated, and fun.
robho3
These you tube coming out videos are just so flipping irritating — why do all these young kids feel the need to record every damn moment of thier life and broadcast it to the world.
Bromancer7
I saw him in a video once where he said he was straight and was like, bitch please, who the hell are you trying to fool?
Giuseppe
We live in a world of labels, of KNOWING and telling everyone what you KNOW, the middle must be a difficult place to be. I can understand why he’s saying he wishes he were straight or gay…then he would know. Can’t be an easy place to live.
Jacob23
A personal interest of mine is to review medical and sociological studies on LGB health and other aspects of LGB life. One of the things I learned, which totally surprised me, is that bisexual-identified individuals fare worse, often significantly worse, than lesbians and gays on most measurements of health. This would include everything from suicide attempt rates to depression to drug/tobacco/alcohol use to experience with violence. I never would have thought this to be the case. I would have predicted that that bisexuals would do better than LGs, as they have more options in life and greater flexibility to fit in with the straight world. But I was wrong.
Reading these studies has given me much greater awareness of bisexuals’ needs. Lesbians and gays need to give 100% support for bisexual men and women. With marriage equality won, bisexual issues are more than entitled to some attention. It is ridiculous that we spend our time and energy on heterosexual transsexuals and crossdressers when our bi brothers and sisters, who are legitimately part of one community with lesbians and gays, are in real distress.
RandomH
@Pistolo: @Pistolo: @Pistolo: Your assumption that bisexual men and women ‘ benefit from hetero privilege’ is so ridiculous that I laughed out loud. We are not heterosexual and being defined by our partners’ orientation rather than our own is not a privilege, it’s a life-long struggle for identity, acceptance, and visibility.
DarkZephyr
@pscheck2: You really went there, did you? What hard evidence beyond your own self projecting do you have to back that theory up? What you are saying is just as fucked up as when a homophobe claims that we CHOOSE to be gay. The implication being that our authentic default sexuality is straight and that nobody is actually *really* gay.
I can’t believe there are still asshole bi-phobes here at Queerty that feel absolutetly compelled to practice Bi-erasure. GOD that is fucking annoying and frustrating and embarrass.
DarkZephyr
@DarkZephyr: embarrassing*
Donnie Terflinger
Tebn
I wonder what he (and we)will think about this when in a few years he settles down with a woman and has children. It would be a very interesting point.
PRINCE OF SNARKNESS aka DIVKID
Being bi *might* be easier, societally speaking, in some limited contexts — like, say, you happen to be on the “straighter” end of the bi scale and our currently partnered with the opposite sex. But feeling you have to hide your true nature is no fucking privilege!
Some the gay men (the idiot ones) like to claim that because they initially fraudulently coopted a bi label as a first sep this is somehow universalising “proof” of bisexuality being the “easier,” more “socially acceptable” option. But generalising from their own highly specific peculiar circumstance (namely holding out false hope to mommy) DOES NOT generalise into society at large. Too often the very opposite holds true: bisexuals are regarded with suspicion — FROM ALL SIDES — but most particularly male Bisexuality is regarded by heterosexual society with a particular abhorrence; bi men are seen as walking disease vectors “infecting our women”; the ground zero of the AIDS threat to the purity of heterosexuality. women.”
And while this might sound superficial complaint consider that bi men can miss out on the close easy intimate relationships that gay gays can have with girls, born of trust and sexual indifference. Good luck reassuring the girl’s BF that your intended sleepover is purely platonic BBF territory — even though it was. Think about it that for a second. You can’t be trusted with ANYONE.
Moreover, whereas “gay” has (in the liberal west) worked to neutralise bad connotations, “bisexual” still retains pervy overly-sexualised connotations redolent of being oversexed or a swinger. So many more innocent bi sites and forums etc don’t get through internet parental filters. Why is that?
But notwithstanding everything else bis share with gays (gay-bashing and murder!) their are problems peculiar to the bi population such as utter lack of cohesive community and inability to be fully understood even among each over, or even of oneself, which makes can make or a particularly isolating life experience. Nothing worse than oppression olympics trolling shit, I know….but just try to keep an open heart and mind.
I’m all kumbaya-d out. Peace.
PRINCE OF SNARKNESS aka DIVKID
@PRINCE OF SNARKNESS aka DIVKID: Mess. spelling. fucked up edits. I wanna die.
AtticusBennett
@PRINCE OF SNARKNESS aka DIVKID: *breathe*
the more “GAY” isn’t seen as a bad thing, then fewer and fewer non-bisexual people will be falsely co-opting the bisexual label on their journeys, meaning fewer people making it seem as if Bisexuality is a transient phase, meaning bisexuality will be represented by ACTUAL BISEXUALS.
pscheck2
@AlexM123: Take a deep breath: the sky is not falling in! I still say they are bi (in their mind)because they are fearful admiting that they like guys and don’t want to be labeled a fag by their str8 friends.
Mike
who?
PRINCE OF SNARKNESS aka DIVKID
@pscheck2: Sir, you are an idiot of rare distinction, particularly considering the company you’re keeping 😉
We are blessed
Clark35
@pscheck2: Yes, and all this does it shows that you simply do not understand bisexuality, are a bigot, and are biphobic which is just as bad as someone that’s homophoic.
McShane
He can suck all the d!ck he can get his grubby little hands on, I don’t care. My problem is that he’s basically running a minstrel show, in 2015.
“I’ve seen Tyler Perry movies; I know what black people do.” – Shawn Dawson
mz.sam
WTF…why all the drama?? So the Pope and the Dalai Lama ‘loves all people’ too. Just admit it, Shane, you get a raging boner for both chicks and dicks…LOL!!!
Woodie0876
It’s amazing he has the bravery of expressing his own personal opinions and trying to help others find out where they belong, who they are and that they are not alone. It saddens me than rather than supporting his strong message, he believes for him it was harder to be bi than gay. But still feel the need to say things like he is saying “being gay is easier than being bi”. Rather than accepting this man’s message, we would rather assume that he is generalising his own experiences with the entire community. His message is one of love, acceptance and identity. He has suffered emotional hardship and simply wants others to not have to go through that same hardship for any longer. If you can’t appreciate the intention of his powerful message to society, then maybe you are just one of the people who was making it harder for him and others like him.
Sivapriya
@pscheck2: I have to disagree with you, as that has not been my experience. As a teen, I was quite confused, because I knew I was attracted to boys, but I was also attracted to girls. I had several gay friends, but never heard the term bi and so I felt like a total alien. In my 20s, I learned the term bi and immediately identified with it. It was so wonderful to finally feel like I was not so strange after all and to know there were others like me.
Through various other life experiences, I realized I was beyond bi, but I still identified as bi, as that was the limiting term that I knew that closely fit. It wasn’t until my 30s that I heard the term pansexual and that major AHA moment hit! YES, I am pansexual.
Anywho, people like you are exactly a part of why being bi is very difficult. People are too quick to say there is no such thing, saying that we’re confused, we’re on the fence and have to choose a side. Why are you trying to tell someone else what their orientation is? That’s as bad as people saying that being gay is a choice. Bisexual is indeed a real orientation, so please stop trying to invalidate others. Just because it’s not your experience and you might not understand it, doesn’t mean it’s not real. It is very real!!!
Sivapriya
@Jacob23: Thank you. <3
Billie
Shane,
What a beautiful, beautiful man you are with such a heartfelt story. I am so proud of you to finally admit to yourself who you are. I believe your strict religious background held you back from freely admitting who you are. I had never seen your face till my friend shared your story on her Facebook page. Bless your beautiful heart. And I agree with you, God made you how you are for whatever reason and let me share with you the reason I believe. I was raised in a fairly religious family as well.
When I had children of my own I let my kids choose their religion. None of them are practicing any religion right now, though two are Pagan. My son, though baptized, now is just spiritual and I think leaning more toward Agnostic. That is a belief from a horrible accident he had.
My youngest, born a beautiful young girl. She had such a beautiful complexion and looked so much like a porcelain China doll. When she was old enough to decide the clothes she wanted to wear we were always shopping in the boys section. When she was 14 she came to me and told me she was bisexual. When she was 15 she told me she was a lesbian. I told her I didn’t care what gender she loved as long as she was happy. When he turned 16 he and I did an Equality Walk for Equal Marriage here in AZ. Just before our walk he told me he wanted to be a man. Did you see the change in adjectives in regarding my son in this paragraph?
I told him I didn’t care what gender he was as long as he was happy. We cried together and hugged and cried some more. His transition has been a tough one for all of us who knew him by his female name. But accepting him is very easy. I love my son, I love him with all my heart. He has not started the process, but I told him that was an adult decision he had to make when he turned 18. I needed to be sure he is 550% sure. He is now 18 and searching for a good paying job so he can pay for this very expensive surgery. I have told him and everyone else that I talk to that God makes no mistakes, he makes everyone different so we can all learn to love and accept everyone with all our differences. I also believe that God picks only the very strong to face issues such as this.
You seem still a big confused, maybe you should learn a bit about pansexual. Through your whole video that is all I kept thinking was not bi, but pan.
I am so very proud of you and your strength!
Billie
@pscheck2: You’re in the closet aren’t you? You’re pigheadedness and bashing words tell me that you are so far in the closet that you can not find your way out if you had a detailed map.
wpewen
If you are lucky you just come out and don’t make a federal holiday out of it. I am very thankful that’s what I and many other people did-a long time ago before You Tube and selfies and all of this stuff. It is very weird from a psychological perspective to do this kind of thing–and I think there’s going to be a subtle price to be paid by making a life event into a money grabbing media show. People just don’t know it yet. When I was young Mick Jagger, Liza Minelli and the rest of the celebrities did it but most of us did not want to be like them. They are celebrities, very wealthy, and live in the glare. Quite different.
Clark35
@pscheck2: *yawn* So you’re a bigot, hypocrite, and just as bad as a homophobic person and those ex-gay people.
Clark35
Pansexual is just another term for being bisexual as a lot of bisexual people can be or are sexually attracted to trans people.
I have heard pansexual used as a term for people who are into sexual things that bisexual people are not into which are illegal.
Cam
Being bi is harder than being gay?
He’ll have to remind me when the last time was that county clears were refusing to marry people trying to marry the opposit sex, and when the last time was a guy was attacked on the street because the person he was holding hands with was a woman, or the last time a guy got fired from his job because somebody found out he was married to a woman.
Ugh, all of these people who are just dying to claim victimhood. Here is an idea, go live in South Sudan for a month, and then come crying to me about how hard it was to break up with your girlfriend because you didn’t have a built in excuse.
mors
Everybody on their goddamn high horse in here.
That was difficult for him to do. Whether or not being gay is easier or harder than being bi. When did this become a pissing contest about who’s had to suffer more for their existence? By this logic is it ok for trans people to come out and say “Stop whining about being just gay. I’ve had it so much harder.”
He decided that to do right by himself, he needed to be frank and address comments that were already floating around out there. He didn’t turn it into a big production or a big joke. Ultimately it was a cathartic experience he thought he needed to have to move on with his life. It’s not like he came to your house, chained you to your computer desk, and forced you to watch 15 minutes of him crying.
For such an open minded community, all of you folks seem to have jumped at the first opportunity to rip a fellow apart.
ER000
I do not see why there is such a drama about this. Bisexual and straight are approximately the same thing.
ER000
Really, I do not see why there is such a drama about this. Bisexual and straight are approximately the same thing.
pscheck2
Just as I thought: if you claim to be bi you are str8 and only slightly gay! Well, if it works, then who am I to judge? lol.
tusgold
OK sooo he got his gay learners permit. He was at att one time and I think he is adorable