I threw back the curtain and there you were. Three doctors seemed to be cleaning up from what appeared to be an intense struggle. But it was over. You laid there unresponsive… I called your name but you just laid there, your massive body, naked and a patchy grey. I reached for your hand in hopes a tight grip would be returned, but it too was cold and limp. I wanted to desperately hug you and shake you until you woke up but you were covered in blood. Instead I stood by your bedside and stared into your face that remained emotionless to my presence. Your eyes looked back at me, but they were dark and that’s when I really knew you were not waking up. You were gone. You left me, the biggest piece of me died there with you.
I drive myself crazy wondering if I had made it there sooner while you were still fighting for life if you would have remembered me as you started to give up. You would have realized that you had a twin brother that you meant the world to and loves you unconditionally. Maybe you would have fought harder if you knew how much I need you. That image is burned into my mind. It’s all I see when I close my eyes. And I hate that I have to remember you that way I just hope that you knew I was there. The person you entered into this world with was with you when you left it.”
Jon Naughtin, in a letter to his late twin brother, Jim—a.k.a. porn performer Erik Rhodes—on his Tumblr page.
Source: The Sword
Gigi Gee
I hope the bitchy, back-stabbing comments are kept to a minimum. I’ve struggled with alcoholism and depression myself so I know what it’s like to be so low that you don’t realize that there are others in the world who love you. It’s interesting that many of us in the gay “community” love to watch porn but we also love to castigate those masturbatory fantasies who perform in porn. I’ve privileged to know a few erotic entertainers – two pron actors and three dancers – and they were some of the nicest guys I’d ever met. So sweet and kind and super hot looking but inside, each one was looking for nothing more than love and understanding. I cried when I read Jon’s homage to his brother. I lost someone that I loved in a very similar way. They leave us and we’re left to wonder what, if anything, we could have done differently. What we could have done to save them.
Gigi Gee
@Gigi Gee: Attention Grammar Police: I know there are typos.
Dumdum
That was so moving.If I were not so old and crusty I would have cried.My tears dried up in the mid 1980s after countless friends had died.Several in my arms.My brother Blake was murdered by a crazy meth-head at 23 and even though we were not close he was the only one in the family that didn’t care that I was Gay.He was a sweet guy who loved animals more than people really,and the loss hit me pretty hard.I was not even invited to his memorial but I loved him all the same.And hey who doesn’t like porn?
Andrew
@Gigi Gee: Very well said. I totally agree.
BJ McFrisky
@Gigi Gee: I hear, and feel, your pain. Tragedy is tragedy.
nick knoxx
that was one of the hardest reads for me – tragedy is so true – Dumdum/comment 3 – your so spot on mate – same here it re: old and crusty but it melted this brittle heart of mine
dvlaries
This has been a dreadfully tough year on gay porn stars: the incarcerations of Ryan Idol and Addison, and the too-early demises of Tanner Hayes, Sergio Real, Roman Ragazzi, Adam Faust, Nathan Price and Rhodes.
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Since they’re in a business that obviously doesn’t give a damn about them, their only hope is to be their own best friends, and get out before substance temptations and the spiritual toll exact costs they can’t reverse.
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This young man should not be gone at a mere 30, and I feel very sorry for his family.
Cee
@dvlaries: You forgot about Matthew Bremer AKA Sean of Corbin Fisher.
mpwaite
That was the hardest thing to read. OMG I felt like I was right there with Jon; God bless him. I feel so sorry for him and pray that he’s able to cope with the loss. RIP JIM (I would rather remember his birth name than the name that represents his distruction)
-m
Stache99
@mpwaite: @dvlaries:I’ve see plenty of people who weren’t porn stars die from substance abuse too. They just never get any attention from any of the media blogs.
Sebizzar
@Dumdum: I was already emotional from this article and your comment just did it for me. :'( *HUGS*
Sydney Blake
So sorry for your loss, Jon. May your brother rest in peace.
Raziel Kainne
dammit. really. as so many of you have written, this is such a tragedy esp. for those left behind. i’ve written before about how callous gay men (and the rest of the world) can be with people who live outside the mainstream- not that they are much more empathetic with their perceived peers. i read this beautifully written quote and cried. so many i’ve known-myself included- struggle with “fitting in” and just getting through the day without our overwhelming pain consuming us and forcing our hands toward self-destruction. i was one of those beefy, gym-bunny “pretty boys” who never quite found his place though i’d danced on stages wearing very little and had plenty of sex. as @gigi gee puts it “each one (of us-sic)was looking for nothing more than love and understanding…”
jayj150
I find it both sad and funny that any criticism of this man is automatically dismissed as judgmental and mean-spirited. I have no problem with his porn career, I myself watch porn every now and then, although I certainly neither idolize(nor look down upon)any of the men in those movies. A job is a job. I also understand that drug consumption, when out of control, becomes a medical problem. But this drug addict gay porn star also happened to be a violent, unrepentant bully. And no, I don’t think he gets a pass because of his good looks, relative fame and sexual prowess. There are multiple accounts of him(and his equally violent, homophobic straight twin brother) harassing and bullying smaller(usually gay) kids since their high school days. He himself wrote about assaulting people in his adult life and getting arrested for it. His own grieving brother has written about it. Both of them openly bragged about terrorizing gay kids; here is a quote from his tumblr:
“I really didnt come to terms with being gay until i was out of high school. Had plenty of GF’s and didn’t really have to hide anything, i honestly believed i was straight.
My twin brother and i tortured the gay kids in my high school. Which was weird when years later i ran into 2 of them while out at Limelight in the city… This one comes running up to me screaming “you have to be fucking kidding! You made my life hell”. To which i could only reply, “I’m sorry, i didnt know”… of course he forgave me then tried to hook up with me…typical fag.” ‘. Real classy, Erik.
I refuse to idolize or feel sorry for a man simply because he matched the ideal of masculine beauty for a sector of the gay community. Because, that is really all of his legacy: his looks. He was, by no means, a ‘ gentle giant’, he was a giant bully and died a proud, unrepentant one. Most of us sane gay men understand that; the small(and very vocal minority) of gay men who are obsessed with looks, sex and celebrity can go ahead and idolize these figures, the rest of us won’t miss him.