• 80s Porn Stars! Dancing! Action! Campy Hollywood Video Remix! Watch It! (Although, may not be best for work.)

• Doug Burns, the 43-year musclebound Mr. Natural Universe allegedly went on a movie theater rampage and allegedly had to be wrestled to the ground by four cops. The cause: he allegedly started a new diabetes medicine. And we're allegedly suspicious. Oh, wait, no, we're actually suspicious.

• California's gay activists are not fucking around: they told the Supreme Court, not lawmakers, to settle the Constitutionally controversial issue of gay marriage. Or else...

• Australia's gay celebrity star-cum-model-cum-dancer, David Graham wants to become a politician. Too bad his political parties isn't getting off on the idea.

• Family honor: Keith Richards mixed his father's ashes with some cocaine and called it a party. Us? We shot our grandfather between the toes. He would have wanted it that way.

• Ahhhh! Hurricanes, hurricanes everywhere!

• There's a scourge wreaking sartorial havoc on gay communities - men who refuse to age gracefully. Pretty scary, right? Don't worry, Patrick Huguenin can help. First, you have to decide where you're coming from and where you want to go. We're leaning toward a rake (pictured). Pretty sexy for a sketch, no? [Genre]

• Outrage! outraged over Ghana's anti-gay laws. They best be careful, lest they have another Nigeria controversy. [UK Gay News]

• Arkansas advanced a bill to ban gay adoptions. Fuckers. [Arkansas News]

• Mr. Show on reparative therapy. [QueerSighted]

• Where's The Simpsons Movie premiering? Springfield, of course. Which Springfield? That depends on which one's got the most Simpsons love. [Houston Chronicle]

• Lesbians love Amy Winehouse and her drunken ways. But, really, who doesn't? [AfterEllen]

• Matt Sanchez had a little chat with Michelangelo Signorile. Joe from Joe.My.God's totally got the audio. Best if taken with a grain of salt and a whole lotta disbelief. [Joe.My.God]

• Gay veteran and Don't Ask activist, Eric Alva to General Peter Pace: "Judging gay men and women in the military for factors unrelated to their fitness to serve undermines our military's effectiveness." [Pink News UK]

• HRC said something, too. [HRC]

• General Peter Pace to world: "I admit I shouldn't have said anything, but I'm still not apologizing to a bunch of immoral butt fuckers. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go fuck Ann Coulter up the ass." [HuffPo]

• Finally, a friend sent us the video for a German toilet commercial. Let's just say it makes us reconsider how, where and when we do our next line of blow. See for yourself, after the jump...

CONTINUED »

Alright, we're not really sure how this is going to go over with you kids, but we've decided to post a video from Virginia-based brotherly duo, Clipse.

Gene and Terrence Thornton (aka Malice and Pusha-T, respectively) have made a name as much for their inventive, The Neptunes-produced sound as for their coke-centric lyrics. (Remember that Sasha Frere-Jones review?)

Anyway, we think they're hot, the videos feature Pharrell and that's really all we can say. Above the jump you'll find "Mr. Me Too" from their most recent release, Hell Hath No Fury... Meanwhile, after the jump, "Grindin'" will give you a taste of their first album, Lord Willin'.

CONTINUED »

• Doug Blasdell of Bravo's Work Out died unexpectedly after being rushed to the hospital over the weekend. He was a mere forty-four years of age. No word on cause of death...

• Brandy's "sorry" for accidentally killing someone with her car. We should certainly hope so...

• Senator Dan Sutton will certainly be sorry if found guilty of groping a 19-year old male page. (Seriously, what's wrong with these people?)

• "We applaud and encourage Isaiah's realization that he needs help and his subsequent choice to seek immediate treatment for his behavioral issues," says Grey's Anatomy producer Shondra Rhimes on Isaiah Washington's trip to bigot rehab.

• Speaking of bigots: Hampton University has yet again blocked the formation of a Gay-Straight Alliance.

• So, Paris Hilton didn't pay her rent on a storage unit, some schmuck bought all the contents and has no posted pictures of said contents online. Nothing really interesting, except this picture, of a man covered in what appears to be about a kilo of cocaine. Why? It's a party! Duh.

How many friends from youth do you keep in touch with? Us, we don't talk to any of those fuckers, but that's because we didn't have any friends. It's very sad, yes, but who needs friends when you have...um, well...we'll get back to you on that one.

Regular contributor and sometime punching bag Jack E. Jett, meanwhile, holds friends like we hold water. For example, punk rocker turned pop princess turned parent, Belinda Carlisle.

The friends catch-up after the jump, chatting about everything from Carlisle's new French language album, Voila to The Go-Go's jerking off a coke-head to her husband's collection of Ronald Reagan memorabilia.

We're so overwhelmed that we have no choice but to let Jett take it from here...

CONTINUED »

The New Yorker's full of surprises this week. First, there's their cover - "To a New Beginning" by Owen Smith - which features two women locking lips. And what's more: they're black. Now, we've been reading The New Yorker for a long time now and we don't remember ever seeing lesbians on the cover, let alone black lesbians. We find it pretty thrilling.

Another interesting bit comes courtesy music critic Sasha Frere-Jones. Reviewing Clipse and Young Jeezy's respective albums, Frere-Jones narrows in on the ubiquitous references to cocaine. Sure, coke's presence in popular music's nothing new, he says, but this new brand of rapper brags about their success as dealers, not takers. But that's not the part that intrigues us most - we're impressed by his Frere-Jones' familiarity with cocaine colloquialisms.

CONTINUED »

• Baltimore football players don't mind that The Wire's Omar sucks dick. Why? Because he's tough and carries a gun. Duh. [ESPN]

• The Gay, Lesbian and Straight Education Network wants to teach a Pittsburgh school official a lesson for using the word "faggot": they want his job. [GLSEN]

• A 47-year old Atlanta medical resident remains in custody after failing to disclose his HIV-positive status to a 16-year old partner. Something tells us he won't become chief-of-staff. [Southern Voice]

• There's another NSFW blog on the scene. [Kick It With The Boys]

• We don't think Lindsay Lohan tried to kill herself. We think she was just cutting lines on her wrist. [Daily Mail]

• Amidst all the controversy, Carol Channing's penned a letter to Japhy Grant. You can tell it's her because it makes very little sense. [The Modern Romantic]

• Elliot Blackstone, the first copper to work with the LGBT community, has died. Even we can't think of a joke... [San Francisco Chronicle]

• Being a male prostitute will be the hardest thing Mike Tyson's ever had to do. And that includes his stint as a rapist. [Starpulse]

Ug, that last story really brought us down. Luckily, we have the perfect pick-me-up (no, not cocaine): Greg Scarnici.

Remember good ol' Greg? No? Well, he's the genius who brought us the parodic Beyonce video that scored him a spot on VH1's Best Week Ever (actually, if we remember correctly, he had the best week ever according to those sarcastic scamps).

Anyway, this new offering lampoons Madonna's ever-evolving look, sound and scandals. Do yourself a favor and have a laugh. You know you need it.

For more of Scarnici's demented videos, check out his website

While we're on the subject of books that pop out at you, you may be interested in the newest release from those big kids at Melcher Media: The Pop-Up Book of Celebrity Meltdowns.

Above you can see Paris Hilton about to make her sex-tape. Notice Rick Solomon getting a nice, long look at her twat. Very life like, no?

In addition to seeing Hilton thrust, lucky readers get a glimpse of Hugh Grant's hooker tryst, Russell Crowe lobbing a phone and - of course - Kate Moss snorting blow.

Sure it's not as...engaging as DX3, but we're sure more than a few out there celeb-watchers are happy to know about it. And that's what this job's all about: making you happy.

The Colombian vice-president, Francisco Santos, had some harsh words for Kate "Blow Hard" Moss the other day.

Speaking on his nation's protracted war on drugs, Santos put the blame on Moss and other coke-tooting celebs. Our guilty-pleasure, the ultra-conservative British news-tabbie, The Daily Mail quotes him as saying:

When [Moss] appeared to snort a line of cocaine, she put land mines in Colombia, she killed people in Colombia, she displaced people in Colombia, she helped finance kidnapping. To me it's baffling that somebody who helps cause so much pain in Colombia is doing better than ever and winning more contracts than ever.

"And I never once heard her say 'I'm sorry'. When in Colombia policemen, judges, journalists, common men and women are dying every day because of [drug-related violence], that hurts.

His words coincide with the beginning of a new advertising campaign urging druggies everywhere to consider the damage their butrose habit's have on Colombia. The heavy-handed tagline reads, "Cocaine not only destroys you, it also destroys a country".

We can't help but wonder, however, if Santos has such harsh words for his politico-peers who profit off of the laughing powder.

• Those gay animals in Oslo really know how to get down. [Celeb Hijinx]

• GOPper says that if Dems. win House, "Gay agenda will rule." (If only...) [365 Gay]

• AfterElton takes a look at "naughty" words. Fuck that. [AfterElton]

• The United Way throws the Boy Scouts some dough, despite their previous refusal over the group's anti-homo stance. Bollocks! [Proceed At Your Own Risk]

• We like hemp. And we like milk. But hemp milk? Gross. [US Newswire]

• People are bent out of shape over Kate Moss having a drink while pregnant. Whatever, her baby's lucky she's not blowing rails. Yet. [Best Week Ever]

• Speaking of coke: 7-Eleven is not down with Cocaine. The drink, that is... [Access GA via Agenda, Inc.]

It's good to know we're not the only people in the world who want to see Kate Moss and her daughter, Lila Grace. escape Pete Doherty's clammy, drug-adled grasp.

Douglas Hack, lil' Lila's grandfather on her Dazed and Confused publisher father Jefferson Hack's side, wants to insure that Pete Doherty has no role in the tot's life. As everyone's favorite conservative British tabbie, The Daily Mail, reports, Hack said, "We're worried about Doherty and his drug situation. We don't want Lila around him or drugs."

Oh, please, that poor child was probably nursed on heroin. And, if not heroin, we're sure a little blow found its way into mama's milk.

While we'll never understand Moss' attraction to the admitted junkie, Hack speculates it's the rock star allure she finds so intriguing:

She'd love to be a rock star herself,' he said. 'That's why she hangs out with that crowd the whole time. She doesn't really like modelling that much.