Just when you thought it was safe to read Queerty: it's the return of our favorite imaginary instant messangers with some very real news about some very real shit you are going to think is totally cool KEWL!

TTLYKEWL: Hey stranger!

BrdNYC: OMG! Longtime no type. What's happening?

TTLYKEWL: I'm just wondering if you want to see Elton John in concert..for free!

BrdNYC: Hells to the yes! Wait...is this some sort of scam?

TTLYKEWL: No, sir. MSN's celebrating Elton's 60th with a little contest. All you have to do is head on over to their site from now until April 15th, watch a music video and then answer three questions and you could win two tickets to his concert in Las Vegas.

BrdNYC: Three questions? I can't even count to three. This sounds hard..

TTLYKEWL: Don't be a pussy. It's really quite easy. Easier than your last trick, actually.

BrdNYC: That's, like, totally kewl.

TTLYKEWL: Um, duh. Look who you're talking to. And, what's even cooler is that if you don't win the grand prize, you can win an autographed photo which you can then sleep with every night, a one-year membership to John's fan club - a membership, I'm sure, will guarantee you at least one date - or a copy of Elton John's greatest hits!

BrdNYC: I think I just came in my pants.

TTLYKEWL: That's not cum. That's piss. Go change yourself and enter the damn contest! And remember, if you do it everyday, you increase your chances of seeing John perform in Las Vegas. I have to say, however, if you win, BrdNYC, you have to take me.

BrdNYC: Why's that?

TTYLKEWL: Finder's fee. God, you're dumber than you read.