• Did the Knut the polar bear's birth lead to Yan Yan the panda's death? Who knows, but that picture sure is precious! Way more precious than some stupid panda. Literally.

• What do you do when your boyfriend doesn't cum enough? According to homo-journo (and co-called"semen sexpert") Alvin Tan, you either get a new technique or trade him in for a horse. Or you can be thankful you don't have all that clean-up. It can get tricky.

• So, this hag from New Mexico wants to marry her fag, but she doesn't know what to do. Because, you know, he's a fag and she's a hag and...well, you know. In an effort to clear her queer-minded head, she writes to Dear Abby (who, of course, isn't the real Dear Abby. She's dead.). And guess what the fake Dear Abby has to say? Tax breaks do not a marriage make. Shit, could of fooled us.

• If you have a question - any question! - you should definitely ask Margaret Cho. And, if she likes it enough, she'll totally videotape her response.

• Iran may release Faye Turney: the only woman among the 15 captured British soldiers. Discrimination doing good? That's crazy.

• Will Arnett can't stop talking about George Clooney's stunning good looks. Also, Janet Jackson totally doesn't know him, but she knows Jason Bateman. Poor Will...

• The boys from The Dog House on the meaning of on the meaning of "pansy". Click here for their source's definition of "prick".

• Jane Pratt had sex with Drew Barrymore. Related: Jane Pratt has a new radio show.

• Joseph Gordon-Levitt gets all snap happy with some asshole (and asshole loving) photogs.

• The Goonies may be coming to Broadway.

• Underwear company Andrew Christian and Instinct have teamed up for The Blackout Tour during which they'll turn out all the lights and swing glow sticks. DJ Seth Gold insists it's so people can really focus on listening to the music. We think it's so people rub up on each other, but we're also total philistines.

• Meanwhile, another Under Warrior, Ginch Gonch, has teamed up with Jimmy Im and eastern bloc (and us, too) for the weekly party, Good Times. Details after the jump.