• Johnny Hazzard as the porn star-cum-singer with a new (music) video, "Deeper into You." [Gay Porn Blog]

• Whitney Houston as NewNowNext's Ultimate Diva. [NewNowNext]

• Jeanne Moos as the one of the smartest reporters in history who also compares Shiloh Jolie Pitt's cuteness with that of a baby panda. [Best Week Ever]

• UK gay couples as themselves getting full adoption rights. [The Times]

• Lane Hudson as the troublemaker who recalls what he thought nine weeks ago. [The Advocate]

• Star Jones and Al Reynolds as the illustrated versions of themselves courtesy of Pretty on the Outside. Co-starring Santa. [Pretty on The Outside]

• Porn producer Michael Lucas as himself describing himself to Hedda Lettuce as "I’m an evil Jewish mongoose high on silicone." Happy Chanukah/Hanukkah! [HX]

Apparently it's hard to find a good man these days who isn't hooked on crystal, or at least that's the word on certain gay streets. We've never actually dated anyone on crystal before, but in some circles, it's so prevalent you might have to resort to a little detective work to figure out why your boyfriend is so energetic.

The ever-controversial drag queen Hedda Lettuce has come up with her own list of warning signs that, just like Hedda herself, are in rather bad taste but very funny. So without further ado, we bring you:

HOW YOU KNOW YOUR MAN IS HOOKED ON CRYSTAL

1) He can fuck for hours but alas never seems to achieve an erection.
2) When you head over to his apartment for a romantic evening his door is slightly ajar and upon entering he is naked on his bed with his ass in the air getting plowed by 5-7 gentleman callers.
3) When you are fucking him it feels like you are fucking an open window.
4) He is missing his two front teeth.
5) He has picked out all his eyelashes and eyebrows and has glued them to an ashtray and has given it to you for a birthday gift. Your birthday was 6 months ago.
6) He swears Madonna is communicating to him through a filling in his mouth.
7) He has redecorated his apartment by boarding up all his windows with duct tape and cardboard boxes.
8) His breath smells like gasoline.
9) He has overdosed and died.

CRYSTAL METH AND DATING [Hedda Lettuce Blog]

Master dirt-digger Michael Musto has really delivered with his coverage of the HX Awards this week in New York. Some of our favorite gay tidbits:

• Zulema Griffin of Project Runway: Season 2 revealed that she is a lesbian and that the producers wouldn't let her talk about it! Imagine that, considering all the gayness permeating every stitch of that show. It makes us think she is lying. She did prove herself to be one cunning lady.

• According to Big Brother evictee Will Wikle (who is domestic life partners with Logo anchorman Jason Bellini), Cyndi Lauper is trying to set her son up with Madonna's daughter Lourdes for an inexplicable reason.

• Venerable drag queen Hedda Lettuce got booed after making a bad joke about Kevin Aviance and his wired-shut mouth.

• And finally, in the desperation category: porn director/media whore Michael Lucas showed just how badly he wanted attention by talking about how he sucked penises to acquire all the jewelry he was wearing. Yawn.

We can't say that we wish we were there, but we thank Mr. Musto for making us feel 400% more homosexual just by reading his column this week.

La Dolce Musto [Village Voice]

Lady Bunny is a drag legend, a NYC nightlife fixture, and one funny comedian. Recently Bunny caught up with Bradford Shellhammer to discuss her new DVD, Star Jones, and the perfect boyfriend. FYI, It's not that safe for work.

Hi Bunny. What made you decide to blog?
Well, the first reason was to keep people engaged with Ladybunny.net. No matter how fantastic your site is, ain't nobody gonna come back if you don't update it. Since I need a web designer to make major changes, the blog is a do-it-yourself way to keep my site current with everything from comments on current affairs to my schedule of appearances.

Before I had a blog, I forwarded sick shit to friends constantly. Now I just post it. Luckily, now fans of the blog send sick shit to me! And the launching of my website coincided with George Bush's reign of terror. Actually seeing the second World Trade Center (don't ask me what I was doing up at that hour!) shook me up, but instead of asking, "What do we do?" I thought, "What have we done to deserve this?". Bush's decision to retaliate against Iraq, a country with no WMDs and no connections with the perpetrators of 9/11, sparked my interest in politics--which mainly consists of slamming this administration. There's a lot of humor crap on my blog, too, but I've gotten a great response for the political rants. Which is fairly surprising, since most gays aren't very political these days. Face it, the ACT UP days, when getting involved was even seen as trendy/hot, are long gone. I wish there were more gays interested in things like rising HIV infections, but the tone of most gay rags is very shallow and hunk-oriented. Enjoy the hunks! Masturbate over them. But balance the hunks with issues, especially if they're issues like AIDS, which are killing us!

Name you favorite drag queen and why?
Dame Edna. She is so demented! And she's hetero! I actually like her out-of-drag characters just as much as her drag. She's a class A kook and has really taken it to a huge scale with TV specials, Broadway shows, Vanity Fair articles, etc. And when she met Joan Rivers she told her "You look fantastic. Please don't ever consider plastic surgery!"

The Pam Anderson Roast. What was that night like?
I had a blast hanging out with the celebs. Hell, with Tommy Lee next to me and Dennis Rod-man behind me, I was surrounded by about two feet of dick! Call me a sick freak, but I've always dreamt of one in each end! So it was hard for me to concentrate on the lines--the lines that Courtney was shoving up my nose! KIDDING! And I got to meet my idol, Charo! But ultimately, it was disappointing since they cut most of my lines. I had submitted jokes, which Comedy Central deemed too filthy. So they basically wrote me a script, which wasn't that funny, and I knew it. A few of the jokes they provided for me were about Comedy Central comedians who I had never heard of like Adam Carolla. And then they went on to let everyone else tell really filthy jokes! But all in all, it was better to be on it briefly than not at all--it was the highest Nielsen rated special in years. And it was a pretty fucking hilarious show! Pam was a great sport, and they really let Bea Arthur have it.

After the jump Bunny tells us her nastiest joke.

[Read On ...]

The week before her classic Christmas show comes back to NYC, drag legend Jackie Beat caught up with Bradford Shellhammer to talk about this year’s show, the drag queens she loves, and the one she absolutely hates.

So Jackie, what is in store for us this Christmas? What is the theme of the show?

Hmmm, I guess if there's any theme, other than "Gee, I sure would like to make TONS of money right about now!" it would have to be the usual warm and fuzzy stuff that seems to always come up around this time of year: binge drinking, illegal drug use, overeating, domestic violence. I'd like to think my annual holiday show is like a really hot but abusive bisexual Eastern European boyfriend. He's got that naturally beefy, moderately hairy body and works some super sexy blue-collar job like lifting things. He's gorgeous and the best sex you've ever had, but he slaps you around. You keep promising yourself you're not going back, but it's just too good so you put up with the abuse. Yeah, I think that describes my holiday show.

How is Hollywood treating you?

Great. I mean, what's not to love? The weather is beautiful, the boys are beautiful, and I’m beautiful! Well, if you stand back and squint. Now, turn your head a little. I'm just going to dim the lights a bit, okay? There! See? I'm beautiful! Seriously, having grown up in Arizona I feel more at home on the west coast. I have a huge 2 bedroom place with a big backyard and my two precious dogs and my Pontiac Grand Am and a closet that's bigger than my old New York apartment. Don't get me wrong, I adore NYC. But it's like heroin: It used to be my whole life, but now I've kicked my addiction to it and I only indulge occasionally and in moderation. You know, on special occasions like the American Idol finale or Columbus Day.

After the jump jackie tells how she lost all that weight and which drag queen she hates.

[Read On ...]

On richly fertile land beside the Tigris River a short distance outside Baghdad sits Buhriz, Iraq. The city is currently under guerilla control, bearing testimony to the wisdom of spreading democracy through a shock and awe occupation. This past Friday, guerillas dressed as women carried out a deadly attack against a police checkpoint, killing six and wounding ten.

There is no word on whether any of the transvestite attackers were American turncoat gays serving under the hush-hush suspension of “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell.” Wire reports have left out the most important detail of the attack, namely, what the ladies were wearing. Queerty deplores this lack of attention to fashion detail, and encourages cross-dressing guerillas to, if nothing else, pick up the latest issue of Vogue.

The drag attack came just as major queens were getting their deserved measure of respect here in the homeland. While gay leaders fear a redneck backlash in reaction to the guerilla-girl assault, unconfirmed reports say that under stress, Lady Bunny pulled Hedda Lettuce’s wig clear off, and she got so upset that she had an accident on Sha-Boom-Boom’s bonbon. Gay male travelers and servicemen in Iraq are advised that just because it’s in a dress doesn’t mean it won’t have what you want underneath.

Sometimes, life is stranger than drag. The born-female burlesque artiste Dita von Teese is to make a grand New York City appearance likely to have the Lady Bunny, Hedda Lettuce, Flotilla De Barge and maybe even Barbara Bush pushing up their bustiers and crossing their eyes in envy.

Dita is to appear at a Phillips de Pury auction on October 20th. The event is the “Take Home a Nude” benefit for the New York Academy of Art. La Dita will perform positively naked except for $5 million worth of diamonds, including Susan Rosen-designed diamond pasties and diamond G-string. The only way a slut can get luckier than that is if Hugh Grant hires her and then gets caught.

Much like the Lady Bunny, Hedda Lettuce, Flotilla and perhaps Barbara Bush, Dita von Teese spent her youth scheming to achieve the old fashioned Hollywood glamour typical of Hedy Lemar, Rita Hayworth and Betty Grable. Future cross-dressers among today’s youth might well dream of one day being Heidi Klum, whose self-portrait is on offer at this de Pury auction.