Queerty has received shocking holiday testimony from the Little Drummer Boy about abuse he suffered at the hands of Caspar, Melchior, and Balthasar, the so-called Three Kings From The East. “Queens would be more like it,” said LDB. “You can’t believe how sick some people are. They sang the first line of my song, ‘Cum they told me,’ with a sexual emphasis that made me gag. Then they forced me to perform the whole song, changing the most famous line to ‘Me and my bum.’”

A childhood abuse specialist, speaking on condition of anonymity for fear of reprisals from the pope, said: “Caspar, Melchior, and Balthasar? They’re priests; what the devil do you expect?” The Little Drummer Boy gave further details: “They made up some ridiculous story about seeing a bright disco ball in the east. When I asked why they couldn’t be satisfied with what they did to Jesus, they said: ‘As King of the Jews, he’s cut. We’re into docking.’”

Queerty doesn’t take such allegations lightly. We asked LDB why he didn’t simply run for help. “They tied me down, and anointed me with chrismatic herbs. That kinda got me woozy, and then they offered me gifts of myrrh, frankincense, and gold. There were shepherds in the pasture with their sheep, and I didn’t give a dried fig about the myrrh and the frankincense, but gold is gold. I was naïve enough to suppose they were giving me the presents out of the goodness of their hearts.”