Michael Brown headed the Federal Emergency Management Agency (FEMA), when Hurricane Katrina slammed into the Louisiana coastline, demolishing as many lives as it did homes. Not to mention forever tarnishing our nation's image as the great provider.

Following the disaster, President Bush famously said, “Brownie, you’re doing a heck of a job.” Of course, this is coming from a man who created his own special semi-savant vocabulary. As days progressed, we discovered that, as usual, no one in the White House knew what the fuck was going on.

Instead of spending time and energy to focus on the emergency at hand, they focused on who would take the inevitable fall. The spinning blame game is something that this administration has taken to an Olympic level. It is fairly obvious that Mikey became the Satan of Katrina, because we all know “he’ll eat anything.”

Our favorite trouble-maker, Jack E. Jett had a little chat chat with the man many accuse of being responsible for the decline of western civilization as we know it. A brave chap, Jett wanted to face the alleged evil head on and find out more about his “strategery.” From what we hear, they boys got on famously and Jett remarks, "I found Mr. Brown to be bright, intelligent, far less bitter than he should be and with a great sense of humor".

We should hope so - a stick in the mud would have been washed away long ago.

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The setting: Lunch at Fiorella's (45 French Market Place, 504-528-9566), a favorite amongst the locals both for his good food and low prices. Always eat where the locals eat, you can't go wrong. And if you go to Fiorella's, get the pork chops. Delish.

I lunched with Andrew, a fellow bartender at Oz and a delightful person all-around. Andrew grew up in New Orleans, and he sings the praises of his beloved city. "People born here will never leave," he said. "Except the people who do leave always come back. The whole place could catch fire, and we'd just move out onto our front lawns." But then I asked how he felt about his beloved city with all the recent hurricane-related unpleasantness--and he bristled, shaking his head. "You see all these news reports about how the poor, saying the government won't help them because they're poor," he said. "But the government isn't helping anybody."

Since I had only seen the French Quarter (beautiful and fantastic) and part of Canal Street when I got lost (totally gross), Andrew suggested we take a tour through some of the neighborhoods that were wrecked during Katrina. Perhaps we'd see a few abandoned houses, I thought? A boarded-up window or two?

Right.

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We would never have guessed FEMA's former director Michael Brown was so fashion conscious. Not with that 50's schoolteacher meets child molester look anyway.

But while Hurricane Katrina forced the citizens of New Orleans to swim around the city in clothes looted from Marshall's, Brown and his female staffers exchanged e-mails about his hip wardrobe and love for Nordstrom's.

Some gems between he and the girls:

''My eyes must certainly be deceiving me. You look fabulous -- and I'm not talking the makeup,'' writes Cindy Taylor, FEMA's deputy director of public affairs.

''I got it at Nordstroms,'' Brown writes back. ''Are you proud of me? Can I quit now? Can I go home?'' An hour later, Brown adds: ''If you'll look at my lovely FEMA attire, you'll really vomit. I am a fashion god.''

Brown's aide, Sharon Worthy, reminds him to pay heed to his image on TV. ''In this crises and on TV you just need to look more hardworking ... ROLL UP THE SLEEVES!''

Our advice? Ditch the white Hanes undershirt, get darker washed ass jeans from True Religion and for the love of God, un-tuck the hideous polo!

• After Hurricane Katrina, bigots raced to say her impact was divine retribution for the openness of homosexuality in New Orleans. Grant Storms, an evangelist pastor from Louisiana, has in the past advocated the murder of gays and lesbians. This online shop allows you to purchase undies with his face pasted quite conspicuously.

• Nakedconcierge.com is one of the best sources on gay cruises. Though you already know too much about gay cruising, one thing this site can't do for you is get your ass into the gym so you'll have the body of your dreams for an actual sea-going cruise. Whether you want to tour the coast of Alaska or float in luxury in sight of Borneo, this site will help you do it with lavender pride.

• The charms of Provincetown don't end with the waning summer; indeed, hot sex between utter strangers takes place there even in the dead of winter. Here you will find a solid introductory guide to travel in Provincetown, including information about off-season attractions.

• It's never too early to think about how you'll dress on Halloween. About.com's GayLife has gay-specific costume ideas as well as links to related topics such as the making of a Halloween costume. Look for me at the parade this year; I’m going as Amanda Lepore.

• Out counter-tenor sensation David Daniels has his own web site with useful tidbits about his recordings and appearances. You can even send him a personal message, but don't confuse this class act with the "bargain counter-tenor" of P.D.Q. Bach fame.

Though the homophobes running the federal government took more time than a drag queen prepping her number to help victims of Hurricane Katrina, the gay community is kicking off its stilettos to assist those in need.

Ellen DeGeneres is one of our crowd’s big makers and shakers. The town where she grew up, Pass Christian, Mississippi, no longer exists thanks to Katrina's diva attitude. The lesbian comic says she's been "glued to the television and crying over the hurricane’s devastation."

But she's not just watching the coverage — she's trying to change it. She's turning her daytime talk show into a veritable telethon, asking viewers to donate to the American Red Cross. Her studio, Warner Brothers, will match contributions up to $500,000. And that's on top of its $500,000 initial ante.

While it is the Monday, Sept. 5 installment of her show that will aim to raise funds, Ellen will also host a Katrina telethon on Friday, Sept. 9. It’s a lot more than you can say for Condoleezza Rice, though we hear the secretary of state looks absolutely stunning in her new Ferragamos.