Watching the Oscar red carpet madness gives us such a headache. We can't keep track of who's who, what they're doing there and why we should care.

The kids over at E! were certainly no help - not only did they not seem to know the answers to those pressing questions, they didn't seem to give two shits. The complete and utter stupidity of Ryan Seacrest, Giuliana Depandi and homo extraordinaire Jay Manuel from America's Next Top Model was only eclipsed by former The View co-host Debbie Manopoulos. When asked how she stays so thin, she said "I don't eat". The duo over at ABC weren't any better and Joan and Melissa Rivers on TV Guide really couldn't hold our attention.

As hard as it may be to believe, the only person we could focus on in the celebrity cluster fuck was Sally Kirkland. Coincidentally enough, her reality defying, rabbi designed dress seems to be made from the rainbow flag. Thus, she's our Oscar patron saint.

So, round of applause for Ms. Kirkland. Crazy's never looked so good. Or so disturbing.

See some more red carpet shots, after the jump...

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It's a Human Rights Campaign explosion up in here. Sorry to overload your morning, but we couldn't resist posting this picture of the Heatherette Boys, the venerable Amanda Lepore and HRC president Joe Solmonese. A photog snapped it at the non-profit's NYC gala dinner - a cousin of the Philly gala dinner at which John Amaechi will be appearing.

Question: how many fucking gala dinner's can one organization have? Oh, right, they're "the largest civil rights organization working to achieve gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender equality". We forgot.

Heatherette designers Richie Rich and Traver Rains were there celebrating their "Heatherette Hearts HRC" t-shirt collabo of which Rich says:

Traver and I obviously would not be where we are today without the inspiration and support of our gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender friends and customers. Heatherette has always been about equality — we’ve never geared our collection to one demographic.

Back to the picture: it's not quite as iconic as the Perez Hilton, Joan Rivers, Michael Musto trifecta, but there must be a word for it. It's on the tip of our tongues, but we can't quite figure it out. So, reader, why don't you give us a hand. Or, rather, word. (We'll also accept a phrase - we can't stop thinking about Sesame Street, if you know what we mean.)

More pics after the jump...

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Hordes of media whores turned out last night to celebrate the release of Michael Musto's new collection, La Dolce Musto. We were meant to attend the Rosie Perez/Perez Hilton hosted party (Why them? Some publicist probably thought the whole Perez thing clever), but we decided to lay low. Okay, okay, we've got no less than five restraining orders and couldn't get within 100 feet.

We did, however, come across this picture of Hilton, Ms. Joan Rivers and the guest of honor and can't help but wonder: "Where's the fourth horseman?"

(It's worth mentioning that WireImage listed Hilton as an "unknown guest", nor did they give him credit for hosting the party. That must sting. Don't worry, we get the same treatment. Well, actually, they usually just pull a little photoshop disappearing act.)

Oh, and we mean it: what's the one word that describes this picture?

Read our interview with Musto or face the sting of 1000 limp-wristed slaps.

• Anti-Homo Pol Behind in Polls. [Minnesota Star Tribune]

• Gay Murder Mystery Continues... [Life Style Extra]

• Activist to Nepal: 'Don't Forget The Gays'! [Pink News UK]

• Joan Rivers Wants Mel Gibson's Head. (No, not his penis.) [Star Magazine]

• HIV Treatment Database? [The Advocate ]

• Artist Paints Cheaper Pictures. [Daily Telegraph]

• Some shoes are worth killing for. [Copyranter]

• Gay Oklahoman Michael Cich's military service gets sacked before it could ever begin. [Towleroad]

• To get California's State Assembly to approve a bill allowing same-sex partners to file joint income tax returns, first the Democrats and Republicans had to reduce themselves to name calling and accustations of furthering the gay agenda. [SF Chronicle]

• Inside the gay blogging realm is the black gay blogging realm. Keith Boykin explains its influence. [Advocate]

• Joan Rivers preaches: Comedy "isn't a profession, it's an obsession." [Contra Costa Times]

• Kevin Federline claims to have aced his GED. [MollyGood]

• Goodbye, Pluto. [AP]

• Vancouver's first gay hotel, Farenheit, does more than cater to the man-on-man market: It offers a clothing-optional floor for guests who choose to walk to the ice machine in the nude. [Hotel Chatter]

• The gays came out in droves to audition to be one of Joan Rivers' three co-hosts for her new Bravo show, including Queerty's own Bradford Shellhammer. [NYO]

• Another day, another African nation with a poor gay rights record. This time it's Uganda, criticized by the International Gay and Lesbian Human Rights Commission for banning gay marriage — though the the nation's minister of ethics and integrity says the law (to quote the article) "does not discriminate against gay people but at the same time does not encourage." Meanwhile, sodomy remains punishable by life in prison [All Africa]

• To help "celebrate" a year of increased ousting of gays from the military, some queers got together in Roseville, Minnesota, for a sit-in at an Army recruitment office. Photo evidence included. [EAS]

• Cracked, relaunched. [Cracked]

• As much as you love Google, they'd prefer you stop using it as a verb. Actually, they love that you use it as a verb, but their trademark lawyers do not. [Jossip]

• Happy birthday, Madonna. With a new year comes a new image, no? [PITNB]

Do you have what it takes to be Joan Rivers' perfect match? We think that perhaps a gay man really is the best choice for her, as we all find her to be so hilarious while other people often find her irritating. Humor is one of the foundations of a good relationship, so Joan, we would like to ask you out to dinner, just to see how things go.

Joan told Howard Stern the other night that she has a profile on Match.com and an intrepid Internet detective has found it, revealing that Joan likes men who are "brainiacs" so long as they don't have any tattoos and know the meaning of sarcasm. Joan, we are now convinced we are your perfect love match.

Joan Needs Love Too [MySpace via Defamer]

• We’re fashion queen, but Hedi Slimane’s obsession with malnourished twinks is something we find disturbing, not artful nor sexy. [Towleroad]

• Of course it’s time for more of Dan Renzi’s brother. [Dan Renzi]

• Even in 1990 Joan Rivers looked like a club kid. She fit right in. [WOW Report]

• The NY Daily News recently featured a few blogs and somehow seemed to leave out the fact that these sites (well Trent, Jared, and Perez) are Gay, Gay, Gay! [NY Daily News]

• Speaking of Perez, he found this great clip of Star Jones getting hit in the face with a football. Yup, it’s brilliant. [Perez Hilton]

We met Joan Rivers the night before Thanksgiving after her hilarious and must see act at The Cutting Room. While chatting with the queen of QVC she invited us to a showcase for Kit and the Widow a few nights later. So on Friday we ventured out to catch their show. And we sure are glad we did.

Kit and the Widow are a London-based cabaret duo with a wicked sense of humor. Part comics and part musicians, the two men mock everything from Internet sex to Andrew Lloyd Webber to Joan herself during their show. We could not stop laughing and urge you to clear your calendar tonight if you are in New York. They are performing one show at Michael Feinstein's club tonight only. We know it is short notice, but they should not be missed. The act is camp, gay, hysterical, and smart in equal parts.

Feinstein's at the Regency Hotel is located at 61st Street and Park Avenue. The show begins at 8:30pm and admission is $25.00 with a two drink minimum.

Yes, we are having another contest. Up for stakes this time is a pair of tickets to see the one and only Joan Rivers with a possible meet and great at her Cutting Room show. What do you need to do to win?

Simply send us a photo and describe what plastic surgery you have had done. If you have had no work done, send us a photo and tell us what you wish you could have done. If you are perfect, send us a photo and tell us why you would never touch that pretty face of yours.

The Queerty editors will choose the best and funniest entry and let the winner know by Friday. Good luck!

And if you don’t want to send us in your pictures, but still want to see Joan, Queerty is hooking you up with a $5 ticket discount. Use the code “Laugh” to save 20% when you purchase tickets at SmartTix.

Joan Rivers is still the hardest working and funniest comedian in the biz today. And the gays love her. She is performing Wednesdays at the Cutting Room to a very gay crowd from November 9-December 21. Recently the grand dame of comedy chatted with Bradford Shellhammer, dishing on Star Jones, Liz Taylor, and the Olsen Twins.

We just saw the last Nip/Tuck and screamed like sissies when we saw you as a guest. How did you get involved in the show and what do you think of it?
Plastic surgery is my life. I just gave my parrot a beak job. Please write and e-mail Nip/Tuck and tell them you want to see more of me.

You are a huge gay icon. I think mostly because of your direct nature and honesty. Did you intentionally seek out support of the gay community? If not, why do you think we love you so much?
I don't know why gays love me because I hate them. Who are you people and do your mothers know what you do!?! I am all for gay marriage, though. Why should only straights suffer the misery of divorce.

Recently, we saw an old Saturday Night Live that you hosted in the 1980s. You were sooooo mean to Liz Taylor. And soooo funny. Do you have any current Liz jokes you can share?
Since she started working so hard for AIDS with amfAR I've taken all of the jokes about that fat, old drunk out of my act. Besides, since she is almost at death's door, I'm hoping to be mentioned in that liquor stained will.

Who would win in a fist fight, Kathy Griffin or Margaret Cho?
I'm much more interested in which Williams sister would win.

Tell us about your Cutting Room shows. What can our readers expect to see?
If I show up to perform at the Cutting Room, you'll probably get a pretty mediocre show as I am getting quite old and tend to repeat jokes 2 or 3 times. If you do come, bring rubber gloves as Chlamydia is rampant. Also be warned that most employees at the Cutting Room are dyslexics and wash their hands before entering the restroom.

After the jump Joan explains how a gay man can get away with wearing a necklace, the absolute worst red carpet outfit, and why she hates blogs, oops, we mean clogs.

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• Someone needs to slap the smile off Tom DeLay’s face.

• A bartender at the Cock is one of 50 artists selling erotic art at The Dirty Little Art Show this weekend. All the artwork is $50. It's only $100 with a hand job.

• God we really have a problem. We know it. We just cannot stop writing about her. The Malcontent has Madonna and Letterman up on their high horses.

• Joan Rivers does not take any shit. God we love her. Almost as much as Madonna.

• The Village People “cop” faces arrest. Oh, the irony.