Ain't nothing like a good tonic after a post like that last one. Good thing we stumbled upon TMZ's photogenic coverage of an - um - enthusiastic David Beckham after Real Madrid's latest win. Thanks, Becks, we needed that...

In other news from the Beckham Universe, rumor has it he and the Mrs. may be snatching up Madonna's LA pad. They don't, after all, want to be homeless when he moved to play for LA Galaxy.

Seaking of the Mrs - that walking horror fest known otherwise as Victoria and/or Posh, she's signed on to style Tom Cruise and Katie Kate Holmes Cruise for the Oscars.

How fucking quaint.

Well, this weekend Katie Holmes went through with the big deed, namely allowing Tom Cruise and his scientologist cronies to remove her brain, thus paving the way for the final stage of their staged love affair.

Why do we say "staged"? Aside from all persistent rumors about Mr. Cruise's sexuality, consider this:

Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes jetted out of Rome for their honeymoon in the Maldives yesterday, accompanied by the best man... senior Scientologist David Miscavige...

• There's a new generation of Evangelicals. And they're not who you'd think. [Radar]

• If you can't form an army, build a store! Japanese store Uniqlo has it's eyes set on Manhattan. [Business Week]

• Ellen Degeneres tops AfterEllen's top ten lesbian moments. The real question, of course, is whether or not she tops Portia De Rossi. [AfterEllen]

• Should death row inmates be allowed to have MySpace? Some say yay, some say nay. [Telegraph]

• As loving as ever, Best Week Ever's made a list of gifts for Oprah to give Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes. Awww... [BWE]

• Because it wouldn't be a truly Happy Ending without Paris Hilton's butt. [Mollygood]

We've said it before and we'll probably say it again: poor Katie Holmes. Not only has she been zombified, used as a womb for Tom Cruise's miracle baby, but now the date for her nuptials to the looney movie-star has been set.

Mark your calendars, ladies and germs: Ms. Holmes will become Mrs. Katie (Sorry, Kate) Cruise on November 18th in Italy. Dressed in Armani, Holmes will go through the traditional Scientology ceremony of having her brain officially removed and replaced with cotton candy, pebbles, and a severe distaste for reality.

On the plus-side, once the "loving" couples reaches the end of the publicity contract (oh, please, you know it's true), there's no doubt Holmes will be a very rich woman.

Of course, she still won't have a brain...

After months of nay-saying, second guessing, and general cynicism, here's at least some sort of proof that Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are raising a child together. Gorgeous, no? Too bad we still have no proof that the little tyke is actually theirs.

We still suspect one of the original - and surprisingly believable - story: the baby came from L. Ron Hubbard's frozen sperm. Regardless of her origins, she's a cute kid. Look at that preternatural head of hair! Just gaze into those eerie, all-encompassing eyes.

Yeah, the great Shiloh/Suri showdown for Earth's soul may be years away, but it's good to know your enemy early. In the off-chance that Suri Cruise isn't some demon spawn destined to lead our planet into some grotesque, dystopian future, and she's just like any other baby, we're sorry. Life will be tough for you, little one: your mom looks pilled out within an inch of her life, your father's a recently unemployed nutter, and you've got assholes like us watching your every move. Welcome to America, honey.

Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes “relationship” had a rocky day, when Life & Style reported the couple had split, followed by, just a few hours later, your standard publicist denial. Why the split? Sexuality, of course, had nothing to do with it. We at Queerty fully support Cruise’s lawyer Bert Fields and his repeated assertion that “Tom Cruise is not gay.” (We hope his secretary has a keyboard shortcut for that phrase because the girl probably has carpal tunnel from typing that thing over and over).

In reference to a forthcoming cover story in the tabloid magazine Life & Style about Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes, it should be known that the story is 100% false. Mr. Cruise and Ms. Holmes are still engaged and are moving forward with their wedding plans, as well as planning for the arrival of their child. Despite the malicious fallacies put forth by Life & Style magazine, the couple is looking forward to a long and happy life together as a family.

We’d also like to note that included in the claim that the story is “100% false,” is the line about the “couple’s” “relationship.”

WORLD EXCLUSIVE: Tom Cruise & Katie Holmes — it’s over! [Life & Style]

• The Britney and Kevin sex tape is up for auction. Real or fake, we think we should be paid $1,000,000 to see Kevin Federline bare ass naked. Not the other way around. [My E Bid]

• Gay English and Welsh couples are now allowed to adopt little rugrats of their own. [Reuters UK]

• We don’t think the rumors about Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes’ baby being the reincarnated gay son of L. Ron Hubbard are true. That would imply that the baby might actually be Cruise’s. [NY Post].

• Our favorite political ally, Barney Frank, comes out swinging against the army for not doing enough about queer soldier Kyle Lawson's gay-bashing a few months back. You don't want to piss this queen off. [Advocate]

• Something always did seem a bit bitchy about the dad in Family Circus. [World of Wonder]

• The KKK rallied for the same-sex marriage ban in Bush country over the weekend. Instead of getting decked out in their trademark sparkling white hoods they dressed in black clothes carrying wooden shields and wore confederate flag bandanas. A much warmer look for them.

• It seems like Tom Cruise's sis wasn't doing a good job selling us on he and scientologist-to-be, Katie Holmes's romance. So the loving brother sacked her. The tough job now falls on a new PR guru. We wish him good luck. He'll need it.

• First hurricanes, now the war in Iraq. Apparently we gays are responsible for just about every tragic event in the world right now. We're evil, we tell you!

• No one, not even Mr. Ciccone himself, tells Madonna what to wear. Ever.

• Jumping on the Anderson Cooper bandwagon perhaps, ABC gays up Matt Lauer. (Via Towleroad)

• Variety reviews Brokeback Mountain and evidently today's Morning Goods guy has some talent to match his rugged good looks.

• New kidney recipient Steven Cojocaru apparently speaks for his mom: "I think for a mother to sit back and watch her child in pain is the worst kind of nightmare imaginable." Um, isn't that something that should be coming out of her mouth?

• For those boyfriend-less queens who also enjoy cuddling with dismembered body parts we present to you the item at the top of your gift list: the plush boyfriend arm pillow. Yeah, creepy as all shit.

• A California woman claims she was refused to be artificially inseminated by her doctors because she's a lesbian. She's suing them and the case might end up in the U.S. Supreme Court. All of this would have been easily avoided if she'd only gone to the same place as Tom and Katie.

• Warning: clicking on this link will expose you to paparazzi pics of Cynthia Nixon and her girlfriend. Don't say we didn't warn you.

• Spokane's mayor has fessed up to surfing gay sites on a city-owned computer. Pretty soon, we could all get a peak as to what kind of kinky stuff he's into.

• Andy has some hot shots of Ben Affleck and Josh Hartnett rolling around on the ground together. This should appease us until Brokeback Mountain's rear entry scene.

• Anderson Cooper (the only reason we ever watch CNN) gets a book deal that will “deal with the last year of [his] life as a journalist and human being in Sri Lanka, Africa, Iraq and Louisiana/Mississippi.” No word on if it will cover the gay human being part.

• Some fire-happy teens tore down and burned an amalgam of Old Glory and the rainbow flag because they thought it was "unpatriotic." Apparently ripping down private property, dousing it with kerosene, and then dropping a match is the American way.

• Reach out and touch Arjan. He has Depeche Mode's entire new album available to stream.

• Katie Holmes's parents are more upset about the unholiness of a shotgun wedding than her marrying crazy couch-leaper Tom Cruise.

• Fliers are showing up in Austin and Dallas claiming there's a plan to bus gays into Texas to vote against the state's same-sex marriage ban. Well, there's your first sign it's all bull. We'd never ever take the bus.

• The Vatican continues to make absoultely no sense. This time it's rumored they might allow gay priests after all. The caveat? Hard proof they've had no nookie for three years. We want to be the ones responsible for those tests.

• 50's film pretty boy Tab Hunter stops by NYC's Out Professionals Center this month for a chat about his prolific film career and what it was like to fuck Anthony Perkins.

• A British author was kicked out of a children's talk for calling Harry Potter "gay," something we've been saying for years.

• Though what we're really waiting for is the Colin Farrell sex tape to hit the internets, we must make do with Tom Sizemore and possibly the white trash couple of the Century, Kevin Federline and a pregnant Britney.

• We expect our lesbo cops to be nothing but "verbally aggressive."

• As everybody and their mother now knows, Tom Cruise captive Katie Holmes is with child. Glee! Little Scientologists!