Did you hear the unsettlingly news that Republican Senator Sam Brownback of Kansas announced his official bid for the Republican presidential nomination? Yeah, we puked a little, too.

Though not as widely recognized as his hopeful comrades, John McCain and Mitt Romney, Brownback's background reads like a conservative wet dream. San Francisco Chronicle reports:

Brownback, an evangelical Protestant turned Roman Catholic and a former Kansas agriculture secretary, said he would focus on reviving faith and families in America; combating abortion, poverty and wasteful government spending; opposing same-sex marriage; and revamping Social Security and the federal tax system.

Yow! He's got it all - he's even brought together the Evans. and the Catholics. He must be some evil demon from hell or something.

Brownback most recently flexed his traditionalist convictions when he tried to block President Bush's judicial nomination of Michigan's Judge Janet Neff for attending a lesbian wedding. As the months of politically-motivated sanctions drew on and internal pressure built, Brownback said he'd only allow the nomination to proceed if Neff agreed to avoid all cases involving gay rights. Lawyers and politicians argued, however, that his request would violate the constitution and Brownback backed down.

His efforts, however, further entrenched his reputation among the Bible-thumpers. Senior director of Focus on the Family, Carrie Gordan Earll says:

Brownback, he's a known commodity... Some of the other people who've thrown their hat in the ring, there's debate. Have they always been pro-life? Nobody questions Sam Brownback.

Because that's exactly what we need: another fundamentalist president who's revered like a political god. That and some horribly contagious flesh-eating virus. Or another season of Queer Eye. We're not sure which is worse.

As for McCain and Romney's religion-related odds. Well, Focus on the Family's supreme leader, James Dobson, insists he'll never vote for McCain and Romney can't seem to shake his reputation as a fagala flip-flopper, tarnishing his relationship with the Evans.

Yes, there's some debate over how important the Evans actually are - and, in fact, whether gay rights are as divisive as some believe - but Brownback isn't taking any chances. Announcing his candidacy in Topeka, Kansas, he reiterated his religious leanings:

The last thing we need in America is to take God out of our public lives and institutions... We need to embrace our nation's motto, 'In God we trust,' and not be ashamed of it. To walk away from the Almighty is to embrace decline for a nation. To embrace him leads to renewal, for individuals and for nations.

Except for fags, scientists, girls who want abortions and other assorted sinners. They're fucked.

Brownback's not a total monster, however - he's against the president's plan to send more troops to Iraq and he supports immigration reform. Hmm, that really doesn't cut it for us.

Plus, can you imagine having President Brownback? Then we'd really be assholes.