Mitt Romney's push for the Republican presidential nomination went into overdrive this weekend. Delivering the keynote address as Georgia's right-wing Christian Awakening Conference, the former Massachusetts governor urged potential voters to ignore his seemingly-contradictory statements on the gays.

Sure, he may have said some suspiciously kind things about the gays in the past, but he's learned the error of his ways. Comparing himself to the great conservacunt demigod, Ronald Reagan, Romney told his brethren:

Now, I wasn't always a Ronald Reagan conservative. Neither was Ronald Reagan, by the way... And perhaps some in this room have had the opportunity to listen, learn, and benefit from life's experience - and to grow in wisdom, as I have.

Allow us to interrupt for a second to say one thing: bullshit. Now, back to the regularly scheduled political demagoguery:

My life experience convinced me that Ronald Reagan was right. I'm a conservative that gets the job done. And you don't just have to take my word for it, you can just look at my record.

That record, of course, includes fierce opposition to his home state's gay marriage laws (for a complete rundown, check out our archive of Romney's dastardly deeds. It's totally revolting). Also, had Romney been looking in a mirror, the old Gipper undoubtedly would have appeared to eat his brains. He did, after all, say his name three times, the appropriate number for presidential zombification.

Continuing on his mary-hating way, Romney also launched a fundraising blitz today. Volunteers have filled Boston's Convention Center in hopes of raising 1 million bones for their fearful leader. Romney hopes to raise $100 million for his prospective bid.

Good luck on that one. And when we say good luck, we mean: may you fail miserably and end up retreating like the low-down, no-good rotten mutt you really are. Oh, and may your penis shrivel up and fall off. And, while we're at it, may your wife come out as a total snatch-eating lesbian democrat trannie. You know, just for good measure...