Michael Brown headed the Federal Emergency Management Agency (FEMA), when Hurricane Katrina slammed into the Louisiana coastline, demolishing as many lives as it did homes. Not to mention forever tarnishing our nation's image as the great provider.

Following the disaster, President Bush famously said, “Brownie, you’re doing a heck of a job.” Of course, this is coming from a man who created his own special semi-savant vocabulary. As days progressed, we discovered that, as usual, no one in the White House knew what the fuck was going on.

Instead of spending time and energy to focus on the emergency at hand, they focused on who would take the inevitable fall. The spinning blame game is something that this administration has taken to an Olympic level. It is fairly obvious that Mikey became the Satan of Katrina, because we all know “he’ll eat anything.”

Our favorite trouble-maker, Jack E. Jett had a little chat chat with the man many accuse of being responsible for the decline of western civilization as we know it. A brave chap, Jett wanted to face the alleged evil head on and find out more about his “strategery.” From what we hear, they boys got on famously and Jett remarks, "I found Mr. Brown to be bright, intelligent, far less bitter than he should be and with a great sense of humor".

We should hope so - a stick in the mud would have been washed away long ago.

Jack Jett: Michael, it must be hard being Satan, and living in Colorado.

Michael Brown: Satan? You're calling me Satan? What's wrong with this picture?

JJ: Why did you decide to create this global warming? What did you hope to gain out of it?

MB: Well, when you're Satan, you try to do your best. But really, what global warming? Here in Colorado, it's been a tough winter - more snow than usual and much colder temperatures than usual. I say "usual" but what does that mean? We've only been keeping records for a hundred years or so, and I think the weather has been around much longer than that. Even our "weatherproof" airport, Denver International, was closed for more than 40 hours during the Christmas season. Why is it that when it's warmer than usual in winter we call it global warming, but when it's colder than usual in winter, we don't call it global cooling?

JJ: I don’t know why, Mike, perhaps because it doesn’t really exist. While the Bush’s were training Saudi Arabian royalty, you were doing the same with Arabian Horses. What are the potential disasters that on might occur during the training of an Arabian horse?

MB: Ah, see, Mr. Jett, even you have fallen prey to the inaccuracies of the mass media. I never trained Arabian horses. I was like a "commissioner of baseball or football", but for Arabian horse shows. My job was to investigate wrongdoing, prosecute those who violated the association's rules, provide educational programs for judges, stewards and other show officials. It involved a lot of legal work. As an attorney, it was a great opportunity to help a sport clean up its act - no, not cleaning up stalls, cleaning up its image and professionalism. So, having practiced law for almost twelve years, I took the Arabian job as a natural progression of my legal work. I then became the FEMA general counsel. All lawyer positions, despite what the media likes to say.

JJ: When did you first decide to begin the devastation with Katrina? Also, why did you decide to sleep through the entire ordeal?

MB: It was March, 2003. That was the month I warned then-Secretary of Homeland Security Tom Ridge that what his policies were doing to FEMA, and what the Administration was allowing to happen to FEMA would ultimately result in FEMA's failure. I repeated that warning to Secretary Chertoff in early 2005, only to be ignored by him. Unfortunately, my prediction of FEMA's failure came true. I just had not planned on being around when it happened. I had made the decision to leave FEMA in the early summer of 2005 because I sincerely believed that what the Administration was doing in Homeland Security to FEMA would lead to its demise.

Actually, Chertoff is the one that made the fatal mistake in Katrina by ordering me to stay in my office in Baton Route, Louisiana, and to quit flying around the disaster zone, which covered approximately 90,000 square miles, because my being in the field, where the field commander belongs, was irritating him. I should have told Chertoff to, well, I should have told him in expletive terms to forget it, but I followed his order; my mistake. You cannot run a disaster the magnitude of Katrina from an office in Baton Rouge. It shows how naive Chertoff was or is about how to handle a disaster.

JJ: Since Katrina, Mayor Ray Nagin has been looking like a million bucks, maybe like several million bucks. You must have opted out of the free Hollywood makeover, because one could hardly find your face in photos due to those mondo Samsonites hanging below your eyes.

MB: Well, I don't know about the Mayor, but I had those Samsonites because neither me nor my staff were sleeping, but working around-the-clock to try and make things work.

JJ: Now, where do you and the homosexuals go to plan these catastrophic events? How do you keep Pat Robertson from crashing them?

MB: Ever heard of the "undisclosed location" Cheney goes to often?

JJ: This may be a bit controversial, but do you think the male home or lesbianics are better at creating catastrophes?

MB: Am I on the Colbert Report again? You did see that show, didn't you? I'm an equal opportunity kind of guy - I think they're created equal.

JJ: Can you tell us why you started this war in Iraq and what you hope to accomplish out of it?

MB: Hello?

JJ: Hello?

MB: Hello?

JJ: I’ll take that as 'I don’t know'. Can you share with our readers some insight as to what major world drama you have in store for us?

MB: A book, of course. But this book will give all the details about the creation of the Department of Homeland Security (DHS), how it was messed up, and how today, even after billions of dollars and reorganization after reorganization, we're really no better off than we were before Homeland Security....and what we can do about it. I hope you'll read it.

JJ: The photo op with you, Bush, and Chertoff with your sleeves rolled up...I was confused. Were we supposed to think that you guys had been sorting out medical supplies, paddling boats, or whacking off?

MB: Well, you know how DC is: you either wear French cuff shirts with cuff links or, like the President in Jackson Square after Katrina, you get photos taken with your sleeves rolled up because it makes you look like a person of the people. It is all such phony baloney. I had a staffer email me during Katrina saying, "Roll up your sleeves, even the President's sleeves are rolled up." Such hogwash. My sleeves were the last thing on my mind during the disaster. But watch television closely, and you'll see that what I'm saying is true!

JJ: What are the first things that come to mind when you think of the following pop culture icons? Britney Spears.

MB: Vacuous.

JJ: Bill O'Reilly

MB: Smart, but chasing ratings too much.

JJ: Jane Hathaway (from the Beverly Hillbillies)

Michael: Every CEO's dream assistant.

JJ: Willie Nelson

MB: Old fart that sings wonderfully and uses too much marijuana.

JJ: Jack E. Jett

MB: Who?

JJ: Lynne Cheney.

MB: Pop culture? I don't think so, but a very nice person.

JJ: Valerie Plame.

MB: Bloomberg Party. I spoke to Valerie and Joe during the Bloomberg Party after the White House correspondents' dinner last year.

JJ: Sir Elton John

MB: Tiny Dancer.

JJ: How recognizable are you in public?

MB: Much more than I ever imagined. I've gotten accustomed to people approaching me now. They are very kind.

JJ: Do people throw a lot of hate vibes your way?

MB: My faith, family, and my very unique circle of friends have kept the negativity at bay. But, I still get irritated when I read some story that refers to me as "Michael Brown, the hapless former head of FEMA." Hapless? I hardly think so.

JJ: Do you feel that if the U.S didn't have its head up the ass of Iraq, they would have, could have, responded more quickly and adequately to disasters like Katrina?

MB: No, the failures in Katrina had more to do with systemic problems in DHS, the marginalizing of FEMA, the ineffective leadership at the state and local level, than anything to do with Iraq. It had a lot to do with failing to pay attention to those of us who were screaming within the organization about how ineffective policies were going to cause FEMA to falter.

JJ: The rebuilding of New Orleans seems to be put on the back of the back burner, since you are not out of the picture, who are they blaming for that?

MB: Amazing, isn't it. If you read the mainstream media accounts of me immediately following Katrina, one would assume that upon my departure, things would work wonderfully! But, they haven't. They haven't because, as I repeatedly warned the Administration, this country is not prepared for a catastrophic disaster. Katrina is proof of that. And, it goes to show that you can't always rely on the government to take care of everything. In fact, you should never rely on the government to take care of things. So, the politicians blame each other whoever they can find to point to.

JJ: You are the perfect person to ask this. What does one do, when they find themselves in deep, deep shit, and surrounded by liars?

MB: Admit your mistakes. Tell the truth.