The Oscars sure were lesbianic, huh? We had Ellen hosting, Jodie scowling, Portia vamping, Melissa singing and winning.

One would think that Hollywood had become one big lesbian meet-and-greet. According to uber-fashionista and known homosexual, Simon Doonan, it has.

And what's more, we should have seen it coming.

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Watching the Oscar red carpet madness gives us such a headache. We can't keep track of who's who, what they're doing there and why we should care.

The kids over at E! were certainly no help - not only did they not seem to know the answers to those pressing questions, they didn't seem to give two shits. The complete and utter stupidity of Ryan Seacrest, Giuliana Depandi and homo extraordinaire Jay Manuel from America's Next Top Model was only eclipsed by former The View co-host Debbie Manopoulos. When asked how she stays so thin, she said "I don't eat". The duo over at ABC weren't any better and Joan and Melissa Rivers on TV Guide really couldn't hold our attention.

As hard as it may be to believe, the only person we could focus on in the celebrity cluster fuck was Sally Kirkland. Coincidentally enough, her reality defying, rabbi designed dress seems to be made from the rainbow flag. Thus, she's our Oscar patron saint.

So, round of applause for Ms. Kirkland. Crazy's never looked so good. Or so disturbing.

See some more red carpet shots, after the jump...

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• There's a new generation of Evangelicals. And they're not who you'd think. [Radar]

• If you can't form an army, build a store! Japanese store Uniqlo has it's eyes set on Manhattan. [Business Week]

• Ellen Degeneres tops AfterEllen's top ten lesbian moments. The real question, of course, is whether or not she tops Portia De Rossi. [AfterEllen]

• Should death row inmates be allowed to have MySpace? Some say yay, some say nay. [Telegraph]

• As loving as ever, Best Week Ever's made a list of gifts for Oprah to give Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes. Awww... [BWE]

• Because it wouldn't be a truly Happy Ending without Paris Hilton's butt. [Mollygood]

You may have heard that Ellen DeGeneres and her girlfriend Portia de Rossi were involved in a car accident. A reportedly drunk driver slammed into another car and caused a chain reaction.

An interested reader just sent us this video from those scoundrels over at TMZ. It's really not that exciting, but we imagine you have a few minutes to kill and aren't going to use them for anything constructive. Enjoy.

It's worth noting that Ellen drives a Porche. Her girlfriend is named Portia. Coincidence? Probably, but a coincidence rife with double meaning, no less.

Ellen and Portia Porche Carnage! [TMZ]

Ellen, Portia Hit by Alleged Drunk Driver [People]

• Luscious lesbian Portia de Rossi, girlfriend of Ellen DeGeneres, finally comes out to her 99-year-old grandmother. Grandma's response: "I knew you were living with Ellen and all this time I was thinking, I hope that lesbian isn't hitting on my granddaughter!'" [PinkNews]

• Big Love isn't doing well in the ratings--and that's too bad, because it is some good, twisted shit. And the constant shoutouts to the gays are much appreciated. [NYT]

• We were waiting for this one: Mandisa, who uses American Idol as her platform for spreading the word of Jesus, supports ex-gay ministries. Ugh. She could have been the next gay icon. [TheAdvocate]

• Apparently a lot of people in Phoenix have sex with animals. And be forewarned: to get a job with the police, they'll polygraph-test you about it. [EastValleyTribune]

• The gay marriage ban is upheld in Oregon and opponents focus on Tuesday's vote in Texas. And to celebrate the KKK will be rallying this weekend. Through their white hoods: "We certainly don't want any of our people hurt nor any city officials." But if you fall outside either of those categories, all bets are off.

• Tonight's the night. Brazilians, gay and straight alike, get ready for a possible male lip lock on the tube.

• We like to think Barney Frank would fight to make sure he gets a spot on any gay cock, er, caucus in the Massachusetss State House.

• Ellen DeGeneres and Portia De Rossi plan to have children together. Baby names we like: Dina DeGeneres and Dean De Rossi.

• This has been driving us crazy all day. If Laila Ali and Queen Latifah are really a couple, then who is the dominant one?(Via A Socialite's Life)

• A Socialite's Life has pictures of the kind of love nest a syndicated daytime talk show and a role on Arrested Development get you in LA.

• Judy Shepard's speech in Montana went off without a hitch yesterday. No protests, no hating, no explosives. And, get this, it was actually inspirational.

• RuPaul is writing a new movie "packed with lots of gratuitous sex and violence, and of course oodles of glamour." Throw in a trannie or two and we're there.

• Walgreens is sponsoring the upcoming Gay Games and that isn't sitting well with a certain group of Chicago area Christians. They're thinking of boycotting its stores. We didn't think Christian conservatives shopped anywhere other than Wal-Mart.

• The recent Asian quake has left thousands of Pakistani kids orphaned. Which means only one thing. Angelina Jolie has ordered her jet to turn around mid-air, and will be parachuting in to scoop up children momentarily.

Tired of these wimpy, newfangled lipstick lesbians? We are too. Sorry Portia, but it's time we went back to the kind of girl - combat boots, bad haircut, facial hair - that you'd be afraid to meet in a dark alley.

All is not lost, ladies. When you feel the need to get in touch with your inner-butch, contact you local chapter of The Lesbian Avengers. The Avengers are a political action group with a decided edge:

The Avengers have been involved in all sorts of things. We helped throw the 1999 and 2000 Boston Dyke Marches, we've been to Camp Trans in recent summers and we've gotten in all kinds of trouble at some Boston Pride Parades. For a decade, we have been a persistent voice in local queer politics. We also provide event security and parade discipline/marshalling to allied groups who need the extra hands. What can we do for you?

They provide "event security?" So next time you have that killer party, forgo the lame men in black and hire someone who really knows how to keep your guests in check.

Ellen DeGeneres' girlfriend and Ally McBeal alum Portia de Rossi is on the cover of the Advocate and delivers a wallop of an interview, her first with the gay press.

In an honest telling of coming out to her 98 year old grandmother she recounts the conversation:

“What’s his name?” And I took a deep breath and said, “Ellen DeGeneres.” And she looked really confused. “Alan?” I said, “Ellen.” The talk show isn’t on in Australia, but she remembered Ellen’s sitcom and just remembered her as a personality, and a gay personality.

First thing she said was, “Well, this is a very bad day.” It was the most honest reaction I’ve ever had. Then she said, “Darlin’, you’re not one of those.” It took her two minutes of being angry and upset and frustrated and disgusted—and then she just held her arms out to me and said, “I love you just the same.” When I left Australia, my grand said, “I’d really like to meet her.”

I’m crying already, my God. Four minutes in, and I’m already crying.

Pick it up. Celebrity interviews usually don't get this honest.