It’s been years since male model Swedish Marcus Schenkenberg ruled the runway. But this cultural irrelevance hasn’t stopped The Local’s Paul O'Mahony from devoting this irreverently informative, unnecessarily schizoid “Introducing…” column to 38-year old Schenkenberg.

In addition to proving those essential introductory details – dated Pam Anderson, fucks mad reality hoes and likes PeTA – O’Mahony informs us that Schenkenberg has recorded a Ricky Martin-flavored single:

...The muscular Swede with the Dutch ancestry also released a single. For a man purported to speak five languages - none of them Spanish - the decision to release a song called “La Chica Marita” had more to do with the success of Ricky Martin-inspired Latino pop than his own fondness for some chica called Marita.

This shit’s anything but caliente. In fact, it’s frio. Muy, muy frio. Whomever told Schenkenberg he should sing, dance or even speak must be tracked down and punished. Seriously. This video counts as the top-five worst things in human history. Even worse than racism and genocide. That’s bad.

Check it out, after the jump. Unless you want to maintain your Marcus-related masturbatory fantasies, in which case we don’t advise viewing “La Chica Marita”...

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The rumors have been circulating for years, and though this isn’t sex-tape quality definitive proof, it’s about as close as you can get; Ricky Martin vacationing on St. Barth’s with a "friend." One look at these paparazzi pics and you’ll want a friend like that.

Now, D-listed ventures to guess that Ricky’s the top in all of this, but something about these pics just screams bottom to us. Maybe it’s the knees. They look pretty sturdy. Readers with, er, first-hand knowledge should email us.

True, upon close - very close - examination of the photos it may seem like he’s just working out with his trainer on a hot and sweaty beach, but how does that explain the whole “let’s both wear speedos thing?” Or the “let’s shake out the blanket together?” Regardless, you have to admit, if Ricky can look that hot in a Speedo then he deserves all the respect he can get. Now, who is the "friend?" Enquiring minds want to know.

More fun in the sun Ricky-style after the jump.

Is Ricky Martin a Top or a Bottom? [D-Listed]

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Gays and other people the world over are frantically busy interpreting Ricky Martin’s interview with Blender. For reasons unknown, Mr. She-Bangs decided to let the world know that he’s into water sports. Asked about the latest porn movie he had seen, he answered a different question: “I love giving the golden shower. I’ve done it before in the shower. It’s like so sexy, you know, the temperature of your body and the shower water is very different.”

Urine has quite the history. Gandhi, Jim Morrison, and Steve McQueen all liked it better than cabernet sauvignon. The German alchemist Hennig Brand discovered the notorious white phosphorus when he was distilling fermented urine (he was evidently suffering a slow weekend).

For those of you not inclined to play with liquid waste excreted by the kidneys, Ricky further had this to say about his tastes in sex: “There are moments for soft, gentle sex. And there are moments for a good spank in the butt, the kind of sex where you pull the hair and you grab the ears. There are moments for quickies and there are moments for long evenings of romance. I’m pretty open to whatever flows.” Open to whatever flows? Things that make you go hmmmmm.

• We are all about Just Jared today. We already showed you Matthew McConaughey, but look at these pictures of Daniel Cudmore, the actor who plays an even bigger role as Colossus in the next X-Men movie.

• She's back! Not letting cancer get in the way of her glitter and feathers, Kylie Minogue has recorded a version of “Somewhere Over The Rainbow” for release this Christmas and has rescheduled her cancelled tour dates at the end of 2006. We cannot wait for her return.

• The New York Times visited San Francisco’s Mission district, one of our favorite places in all the world. Think the East Village with great burritos just a short walk from all the gay bars.

• You’d think it was the late 1990s, seeing that we can't get enough Ricky Martin lately. His looks, Mary, not his music.

• Britney Spears on Broadway? The end of the world is obviously near, ladies.

What would you think if you heard that Ricky Martin had been caught fooling around with a berimbao?

A berimbao is a Brasilian musical instrument, made from a berimbe, (a tree branch), and fitted with a stretched steel cord as well as a gourd for resonance. On his upcoming disc Life, set for release on October 11, Ricky indeed plays a berimbao. The instrument is known for being a versatile sound producer on a par with the skin flute.

Ricky told Hoy “God willing, next month everybody will be listening and partying to Life in the streets.” To gain inspirations for the album, Ricky traveled to Brazil, India and Egypt where he frequented discos to “exchange ideas with the DJs, who were putting out really aggressive sounds.”