Ain't nothing like a good tonic after a post like that last one. Good thing we stumbled upon TMZ's photogenic coverage of an - um - enthusiastic David Beckham after Real Madrid's latest win. Thanks, Becks, we needed that...

In other news from the Beckham Universe, rumor has it he and the Mrs. may be snatching up Madonna's LA pad. They don't, after all, want to be homeless when he moved to play for LA Galaxy.

Seaking of the Mrs - that walking horror fest known otherwise as Victoria and/or Posh, she's signed on to style Tom Cruise and Katie Kate Holmes Cruise for the Oscars.

How fucking quaint.

• Speaking of coming out: a new study shows that revealing one's HIV status may help maintain healthier CD4 cell count.

• Meanwhile, Iranian scientists claim to have formulated a new herbal remedy for HIV.

• In other international news: with nowhere to express themselves in the West Bank, gay Palestinians are finding comfort in Jerusalem.

• Now, let's turn our attention to some frivolous celebrity gossip: rumor has it that Tom Cruise has asked Ben Stiller to appear in The Hardy Men: an updated, comedic version of the popular mysetry series. Um, since when's Cruise a comedian?

• In education news, more and more people are turning a critical eye on bear culture. The gays, not the forest creatures. As far as we know, the forest creatures don't have any culture...

• Finally, people are twisted over the Snickers' commercials. Homophobia or just plain stupid? You be the judge.

Well, this weekend Katie Holmes went through with the big deed, namely allowing Tom Cruise and his scientologist cronies to remove her brain, thus paving the way for the final stage of their staged love affair.

Why do we say "staged"? Aside from all persistent rumors about Mr. Cruise's sexuality, consider this:

Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes jetted out of Rome for their honeymoon in the Maldives yesterday, accompanied by the best man... senior Scientologist David Miscavige...

• There's a new generation of Evangelicals. And they're not who you'd think. [Radar]

• If you can't form an army, build a store! Japanese store Uniqlo has it's eyes set on Manhattan. [Business Week]

• Ellen Degeneres tops AfterEllen's top ten lesbian moments. The real question, of course, is whether or not she tops Portia De Rossi. [AfterEllen]

• Should death row inmates be allowed to have MySpace? Some say yay, some say nay. [Telegraph]

• As loving as ever, Best Week Ever's made a list of gifts for Oprah to give Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes. Awww... [BWE]

• Because it wouldn't be a truly Happy Ending without Paris Hilton's butt. [Mollygood]

• Two Canadians want to open a gay camp. Said camp not to be based on the movie, Camp. [Winnipeg Free Press]

• Yikes! Tom Cruise is crazier than we thought. [Mollygood]

• Lezzie baby mama drama: Atlanta judge rejects woman's appeal to revoke ex-lover's adoptive rights. [Sovo]

• Ads in space!!!! (Thank those geeks at MIT.) [Boston Globe]

• Tom Ford's website. 'Nuff said. [Tom Ford]

• African businesses join the fight against AIDS. Yay! [VOA News]

We've said it before and we'll probably say it again: poor Katie Holmes. Not only has she been zombified, used as a womb for Tom Cruise's miracle baby, but now the date for her nuptials to the looney movie-star has been set.

Mark your calendars, ladies and germs: Ms. Holmes will become Mrs. Katie (Sorry, Kate) Cruise on November 18th in Italy. Dressed in Armani, Holmes will go through the traditional Scientology ceremony of having her brain officially removed and replaced with cotton candy, pebbles, and a severe distaste for reality.

On the plus-side, once the "loving" couples reaches the end of the publicity contract (oh, please, you know it's true), there's no doubt Holmes will be a very rich woman.

Of course, she still won't have a brain...

Oh, please, you knew it was coming.

After months of nay-saying, second guessing, and general cynicism, here's at least some sort of proof that Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are raising a child together. Gorgeous, no? Too bad we still have no proof that the little tyke is actually theirs.

We still suspect one of the original - and surprisingly believable - story: the baby came from L. Ron Hubbard's frozen sperm. Regardless of her origins, she's a cute kid. Look at that preternatural head of hair! Just gaze into those eerie, all-encompassing eyes.

Yeah, the great Shiloh/Suri showdown for Earth's soul may be years away, but it's good to know your enemy early. In the off-chance that Suri Cruise isn't some demon spawn destined to lead our planet into some grotesque, dystopian future, and she's just like any other baby, we're sorry. Life will be tough for you, little one: your mom looks pilled out within an inch of her life, your father's a recently unemployed nutter, and you've got assholes like us watching your every move. Welcome to America, honey.

We think he should be flattered to be featured in such a hilarious and well-wrought animated film as South Park: Bigger, Longer, and Uncut, but it seems that former Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein is not impressed by the animated version of himself that is in a dysfunctional gay relationship with the devil.

In fact, Saddam is so displeased that U.S. Marines are using the film footage as a means of torturing him. To what end, we don't know (it's probably classified), but we have to say it makes us chuckle a little bit to think of Saddam getting almost as pissed as Tom Cruise did over his own South Park portrayal. Oh these little men with their big egos.

Saddam meets his South Park self [Daily Telegraph]

• Survivor's race-based competition begins to attract its share of detractors. [AP]

• Queer comic strip Mr. Gisby matches celebrities with their pet versions. (Click image for larger version.) [Mr. Gisby]

• Jesse McCartney lets slip a little something about Jennifer Lopez being pregnant. [A J-C]

• Of all people, it's Matt Lauer who's coming to Tom Cruise's defense. [Us]

• Karl Lagerfeld on Project Runway: "Trash that is funny for five minutes if you're with other people." [Gatecrasher]

When the Emmy nominations arrived yesterday – among the obvious nods to Family Guy, The Simpsons, and Grey's Anatomy – there came two shocks. First was Kathy Griffin's nomination for My Life On The D-List for Outstanding Reality Program. And second? Recognition of South Park's Tom Cruise-centered episode "Trapped in the Closet" for Outstanding Animated Program (for Programming Less Than One Hour). Having been on the receiving end of Scientology's prowess for things like this, we understand the uphill challenge Trey Parker and Matt Stone faced when taking a dump on Cruise's celebrity. So while we won't be paying too much attention to whether HBO's Rome wins for best score, we will be holding out hope both Kathy and the South Park boys get a chance to hold their statute in front of a room full of their peers and .. do stand up.

58th Primetime Emmy Awards

Sorry, we couldn't resist. We offer our sincerest congratulations to new parents Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes along with our hopes that Scientology does not make the poor little girl a weird outcast.

Cruise, Holmes welcome daughter Suri [CNN]