We haven’t read Twilight or seen that New Moon saga thing. Not because we’re boycotting Stephanie Meyer’s Mormon beliefs, but because THE WRITING IS FOR THIRD GRADERS. And we have our GEDs, dammit. The only way we’re willing to listen to this vampire angst, where prose is replaced by Meyer’s perfunctory blabber, is when it’s read aloud to us by superhero comic critic Alex Day — who includes brilliant commentary and necessary grammar lessons. Which, let’s be honest, we could use.